Have been in the process of divorce for two years, because of a business and different assets, it's been a long long road. We pulled the plug together - she technically beat me to filing by a day, but I had no idea what I was getting into.

Here's some wisdom gained along the way, take it as you will:

  1. The person you're divorcing is not the person you married. I'm a very logical guy, and was a very supportive husband and father for those years we were married. But what she turned into once the divorce started absolutely shocked me. For some reason, I thought we would work it out as a "marriage challenge" but she immediately weaponized the kids, claimed DV, transferred out huge amounts of cash, and hired a shark attorney. It took me six full months to realize I better get ready to fight. I was naive enough to think it could be worked out with mutual respect.

  2. It's a nuclear bomb on your family. I have three older kids - the oldest two are "ok", they mostly get it, but the youngest is firmly on mom's side and won't speak to me. Considering how close we were before the divorce, it's been devastating.

  3. The money. Because I'm the breadwinner and she's the SAHM, the court expects me to pay HER attorney fees as well, and she thinks nothing of sending me bills for $20k and $30k for her lawyer, accountants, everything. There's no incentive for her to STOP because she can just keep burning my cash. We're trying to push for a trial to make it stop, but they can drag that out too.

  4. Depression hits like waves, but it's getting better. The first year was brutal, there were days I could hardly get off the couch. Just that sense of loss and grief is debilitating. Yes, I worked out and yes, I drank (drink) too much, but it turns into a survival mode thing and you do what you do to make it through. It does get better... I still have waves that wash over me, but they're fewer and farther between.

  5. You have to start a WHOLE NEW LIFE. There's no going back, hanging out at your old restaurant, walking your dog in the old park, saying hi to the old neighbors. She's ending up with the house (surprise!) and it's like the whole city is toxic for me now. I moved about 50 miles away and am building a new community of friends, but that loss of "place" is intense.

  6. Some days are good days. I've traveled internationally a few times to get away, and have found myself very excited about my future, but it's at a high cost.

So I know the story is still being written. If I can settle this year, it will have been almost 2.5 years of divorce and just tearing each other apart. The reality is that this is the price you pay for a new life after a long marriage. There's no "graceful exit", there's not "treat each other with dignity and move on"... we've both hurt each other profoundly.

Was it worth the price? Not sure, but I do remember in the months leading up to filing for divorce were AWFUL... tense, angry, counseling wasn't working, we were mean to each other, so was it worth it? I think about it like this: at least the pain of the divorce will fade over time, but if I'd stayed in that toxic situation, I would have been staring down the barrel of depression for the rest of my life.

So maybe it IS the cost of a new life.