My therapist says I have to try talking to girls

Smooth-Balls-010101 · 2024-09-05T02:39:22+00:00

Hitting on a woman in the bar is going from 0 to 200 right away. Based on where you are, you have to practice step by step. If you were learning bball you wouldnt just jump into a match and play point guard. You would practice dribbling, jump shots, lay ups, defence, etc, then put it all together. Start by saying hi to women. Then once you’re comfortable, add in a compliment. Then have longer conversations. Then add in eye contact. Then add in flirting. You get the idea. Theres a youtuber named coach kyle, his videos will explain it better.

Future-self · 2024-09-05T01:56:28+00:00

Good luck. I know it’s a bit controversial, but for me, taking .25mg of Xanax before first dates helps calm the severe nerves that can trigger a full blown anxiety attack. I’d highly recommend it.

Worried-One2399 · 2024-09-05T02:51:06+00:00

Yeah, I read the Xanax comment first… honestly, your friend should b holding you accountable.

Once u start approaching it becomes almost addicting. It’s like even if I don’t get there phone #. I just want to talk to them 🤣

Have a few drinks if that’s what it takes. Idk wat ur drink of choice is but if it was me. Go w/ a dirty martini. That’s a solid start & then see how u feel.

Raise the stakes, give your friend a substantial amount of $ (400-600) w/ the promise of him giving it back to u IF YOU APPROACH 2 woman during ur time @ the bar.

If that doesn’t light a fire under ur ass, then idk wat will 🤣

U have to start somewhere, once u start. Doing it regularly like wat I’ve been doing/said above it almost becomes a form of addiction in & of itself. Either way, see if that works for u. Good luck brother

burncushlikewood · 2024-09-05T02:48:18+00:00

Ok, so my friend I must tell you your therapist is 100% right, but I sometimes avoid talking to certain women that have predetermined disinterest, if this is not the case I'm fearless when approaching. We all get that terrible feeling of fear and anxiety when approaching the opposite sex, but the men who bury this fear and approach anyways, fortune favors the brave. I remember watching an infield video (it's a pua term which means approaching in public) and he approached this beautiful woman, you know what this woman said, quote, not verbatim, " I can't believe you just walked up to me in public and tried to generate a relationship, I would be too scared to approach anyone" this really stuck with me, even women are scared to approach people! Anyways you need to be confident and learn how to communicate, if you have good communication skills you can control conversations and really impress her, the library is a wonderful place to go, take out books on psychology I'll post a pua book at the end of this comment, I recommend this book to everyone I sound like a broken record but it's just really good. Reading will improve your vocabulary, and just be relaxed man, don't go into every approach thinking it's gonna lead to sex, most of the time it doesn't, but sometimes it does and that's what you have to realize, do not panic, just take your time and be yourself, be cordial. I remember when I lost my virginity when I was 16, I was too pushy for sex early, then I learned to wait, be patient, the girl I slept with loved to talk to me about herself, sometimes you just gotta listen. Anyways here's the free pdf, please read at least a 1/4 of it. https://www.academia.edu/26492146/Vin_DiCarlo_The_Attraction_Code_id610645886_size

SecretObsession · 2024-09-05T04:23:04+00:00

One thing that really helped me was setting expectations with myself before going out. Don't go out to talk to women, go out for your own personal reasons. Ex. I LOVE concerts, I LOVE meeting new people, and running into people I know. That's why I go out, it's for the music, and it's to meet new people if the opportunity arises.

This eliminates the pedestal problem. I don't NEED to hook up with someone. I'm not hunting digits, and I let whatever interactions happen as they come. I end up leaving happy and satisfied. (I've met tons of women this way. I have more friends that are women than guys at this point (which I haven't had before. I believe it's because I'm approaching all of the interactions authentically and non-threatening. I.E. I'm not only talking to them because I might fuck them in the future.) I'll talk to couples, singles, guys/women, whoever. I'll stay in the conversation as long as it feels authentic and doesn't feel forced. As soon as I get any feelings like that, I move on to the next thing I'm interested in.)

There's something else that comes along with not thirsting, confidence. I think too many guys make seduction like solving a puzzle, and once you solve it, you are rewarded with women, but that's not what it's about.

If I'm clicking with someone, it'll progress on its own. If I'm feeling them, I'll tell them, if it's reciprocated, I'll exchange info with them and hit them up in the next day or two to schedule something. (It's extremely rare I'll escalate the first time I meet someone, but if they are thirsty and I'm interested, we'll go on that adventure together.)

Ultimately though, my starting point is about enjoying myself, if I don't meet anyone, I still get to vibe out to music that I LOVE.

On the therapy note, it sounds like exposure therapy. You just need to talk to more people, try to look past the gender, and have fun along the way. Everything will fall into place, you just need to trust the process.

Dry-Committee8063 · 2024-09-05T02:22:10+00:00

Honestly, I felt the exact same way and still to a certain extent. I actually made a success story post here on how I somewhat overcame it. I was in a similar situation to you where I was in a bar and saw a girl I had the hots for. I tried to convince myself to approach, but I just couldn't muster up the courage to do it. But I thought to myself, "You know, you've been in these types of situations time and time and again promising that this is the moment you'll grow some balls and actually cold approach someone, so why not just do it?" So I gave a buddy who was with me $20 and said "rejection is better than regret, if I don't do this, keep this $20" and without much hesitation knowing if I didn't do it, I would lose $20 and get that "what if?" feeling the morning after, I went for it. Introduced myself, asked for her name, she immediately said she had a boyfriend, I said "no worries, he's a lucky guy, enjoy the rest of your night!" And felt like a champion walking out of that bar even though I didn't get what I originally wanted. No other way to get over the fear by actually doing it. Rejection is ALWAYS better than regret.

saulisdating · 2024-09-05T12:07:25+00:00

Your therapist is right. You seem to have some severe childhood trauma and issues with rejection. You need to go out and get rejected so you actually see and understand that rejection won’t kill you and you won’t suddenly burst into flames and so on and so forth. And life will go on and people won’t care as you think they will.

I’d strongly suggest doing more than 2 approaches though. But yeah, start with baby steps.

myconium · 2024-09-05T19:13:05+00:00

Cold approaching random women is not the way to start if you have only little experience with women. Start with something easier, like talking to women in social situations. It’s more socially acceptable so you’re more likely to have success that way. Later on you can work your way up to cold approaches if you want, but don’t expect to have as much success with them

klippklar · 2024-09-05T03:14:35+00:00

I used to suffer from generalized anxiety and breathing exercises along with meditation helped me a lot to cure it. Kapalabhati and breathing through cold showers helps you breathe through tough situations. Yoga helps keeping your composure. Meditation helps you focus on what you chose to put your focus on. Godspeed to you.

ArmorAbsMrKrabs · 2024-09-05T05:21:05+00:00

I'm sorry but there's no easy solution to this. You can take baby steps, but eventually you'll have to take a larger step and actually hit on girls.

The anxiety is real. You have to push past it. I know it's really fucking hard. You'll soon realize that it's not as big of a deal as you once thought.

I was in the same boat as you. Had extremely bad AA and seeing a girl that I wanted to approach gave me a massive fight or flight response. After tons of exposure therapy I don't have much AA anymore.

Your therapist is based for telling you this. Listen to them.

cpcallen · 2024-09-05T08:40:38+00:00

Good luck.

I have jst one thing to offer you by way of advice:

I can’t just go up to a cute bird and say hi.

Person.

I was making eye contact with a honey on and off for like 20 minutes.

Person.

I'm not being the language police here—at least, not for political reasons. But it sounds like part of your problem (a very common problem) is that you are thinking about these women as if they are some "other"—other sex, other species, other form of life. No wonder you're scared of them.

They're just people. People like you and I. The woman at the bar you were making eye contact with: I guarantee that she was just as interested in you as you were in her, and probably just as shy about approaching (though she had an 'out', because woman approaching man is not not how the script goes, unfortunately.)

You've got this. It may not feel like it now, but it will.

epimpstyle · 2024-09-05T09:48:05+00:00

Approaching women in bar is difficult because they are not alone, they are in groups.

meeting them through mutual friends.

This is the traditional way of meeting women, this is how most of the people are doing and I bet is the way my parents and your parents meet

I can’t just go up to a cute bird and say hi.

You can't because I think you need a plausible deniability to tell her "hi". I know it looks weird to just say "hi" to someone but not if you have a valid reason to say so. If you have a reason tell them "hi", I bet you can do this.

I started boxing 6 months ago

Good but..... mentally there is no improvement.

My friends told me to go up and ask if I could buy her a drink

Wrong approach! So you buy her a drink and then you expect her to talk to you just because you bought her a drink... no no no, don't do that!

I think this fear is pretty much all related ............[....]

Honestly it doesn't matter to know the cause of your anxiety, it doesn't help you know.... it is just a curiosity but it doesn't help you.

I need to go out and try to talk to at least two girls this weekend. They framed it as “go out and try to get rejected twice”

Yes, it is a way to make the first step, but it is not easy to get into that mindset. A few years ago I saw Todd V saying a similar thing and I was in a bar with a group of friends and one of them said to me "go and talk to a girl but do everything you can to get rejected...let's see who gets rejected first". Being honest is hard, harder than having a normal conversation. I did it only once, but the girl I approached was so polite and friendly that I could not continue and I quickly changed to talking normally, instead of being rejected I got a phone number in about 15 minutes of talking. So I deduced that it's not good advice to "go out and try to get rejected", you're just putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and you don't need to do that. Your mind has a double pressure, your mind knows it is not okay to do that but also it is the initial pressure and your fear of approaching a girl so at the moment your fear is twice as strong. If you can talk normally, then talk normally, don't do anything else.

But hey! If your therapist says so... well... he is the expert, you should listen to him.

kobegoat222444 · 2024-09-05T02:21:51+00:00

Are you a virgin?

JuggManKevo · 2024-09-05T11:59:05+00:00

I know it might sound crazy. But try going to a strip club. All the women are inherently friendly, easy to talk to, make you feel like the fucking man. Even if it isn't real I feel like it might help just for the sake of practice. Just don't go broke in there.

EyesReallyWidelyOpen · 2024-09-05T02:07:43+00:00

Idk go single have fun. Be approachable don’t approach. It’s fascinating how that works.

EyesReallyWidelyOpen · 2024-09-05T02:07:08+00:00

Title	My therapist says I have to try talking to girls
Author	Informal_Head_2000
Upvotes	78
Comments	34
Date	September 5, 2024 1:38 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1f9ampt/my_therapist_says_i_have_to_try_talking_to_girls/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/my-therapist-says-i-have-to-try-talking-to-girls.1529445 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529445

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