Divorce after sobriety

2025-01-07T16:13:24+00:00

[permanently deleted]

omahadude79 · 2024-11-07T16:46:21+00:00

My wife filed for divorce when I went into alcohol treatment. I had been in treatment before and had a relapse, I know that I didn’t want to drink and had to make a change. I didn’t know that to her, one time trying and “failing” was all she would give me. I am now sober 60 days and feeling like a rockstar. I moved out to a sober living house. Rent is cheap AF and I have the support of other sober addicts. Now that I’m free I am realizing that I was depressed in the marriage and the drinking was at least partially caused by that.

MovingForwardNow123 · 2024-11-05T01:45:54+00:00

Congrats on the 10 months of sobriety! Big accomplishment, just remember it’s one day at a time. Slow and steady. My wife was very similar, immature, very selfish, lack of agency and accountability. Once I got sober I realized how toxic and manipulative she was, always twisting and contorting reality where everything was my fault. Once you focus on self care you learn to prioritize self respect and there’s no going back. We had a major incident that led to my sobriety. Not one single drop after. It didn’t matter, she just realized she couldn’t hide behind her excuses to control me and get me to do whatever she wanted. I’ve become comfortable in my own skin again and learning that I have a lot to give. I always did. Prioritize your happiness and well-being, but most importantly your time. I’m a great dad to my 2 year old daughter and can enjoy my time with her instead of being criticized for every little thing. I’m close to wrapping up and the process has been a nightmare. She has made every negotiation difficult and constantly threatening me with trial, and being an alcoholic, unfit parent, etc. It’s just idle threats, none of it is relevant. Keep doing what you’re doing and stay focused. Feel free to dm if you ever need to talk.

FinnyIzzy · 2024-11-04T18:25:55+00:00

Actually stopping drinking isn't difficult. Creating a life worth protecting from alcohol takes work. Relapses occur when those in recovery ask themselves "why not?". If you can't answer that, you have a problem.

Battleneter · 2024-11-04T01:41:40+00:00

I was drinking more and more in the last few years, probably not quiet an alcoholic yet but well on the way.

Luckily immediately after separating recently I was able to stop all drinking at home (usually on the weekends) and its now been two months. Did have one drink on a dinner date, but no tangible desire for a 2nd.

I am pretty sure I would have become a alcoholic within a few more years if my 25 year marriage had of continued.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-11-04T01:14:39+00:00

Well done on the 10 months!

For me, it was getting diagnosed with ADHD and taking a ton of steps to improve myself - absolutely none of it was acknowledged or recognized or supported by her. I can't really blame her, after looking back at what i put her through - i can imagine the resentment was deep seated and maybe impossible to unwind and resolve. Just one of many problems in the relationship but this one hurt and taught me that the only one we can rely on to genuinely respect and honor our efforts at self improvement is - us.

Best wishes on your journey.

sak144 · 2024-11-03T21:09:44+00:00

Congrats on your 10 months!

Somewhat similar situation - I was in a miserable marriage (no intimacy, was treated like a roommate and walking ATM and with constant disdain) and used alcohol to mask and blur out the pain.

Voluntarily put myself into treatment because I knew that needed to be fixed, and I was rewarded by having a process server show up at the treatment facility and serve me with papers in front of everyone on my 30th day sober.

She said something about that just being a coincidence and total mistake that I was served that way, but deep down I knew it was an attempt to destroy me and get me to fail at my sobriety so she could take everything. I also accept my role and failings in the marriage and there were many on my end as well.

By the grace of God, a light switch flipped that day and I determined that I wouldn't let her wreck me. Fought through the whole miserable process of divorce and recovery simultaneously and got my 2 year coin last month.

Other than my kids, it's my proudest thing I have.

Your story is not unusual - can't tell you how many people I met in the rooms who say they got divorced AFTER sobriety. Usually because the relationship is so toxic and abusive, one person hits the eject button after the blinders come off and things become healthier.

Keep it up!!! 💪

2024-11-03T19:10:56+00:00

Not myself, but I have seen this scenario play out a few times before. In fact, I would venture to guess that most married men if they have a problem with drinking and decided to go through the process of AA like you have, would probably wind up divorced too. Marriage hold no benefit for men.

OCojt · 2024-11-03T19:01:26+00:00

Gents. I was on the receiving end of the alcoholic behaviors. Congrats on the sobriety to you all. It really tweaked my mindset and thought process and I will probably never be the same person I was before I married.

It goes beyond infidelity and petty squabbles. Addiction is no joke and literally ruined me. I will no longer allow it to mess with me. I discovered alcoholism is usually masked by deeper issues and is only scrapes the surface.

Talking about it is helping me recover. Just know it damages the other person sometimes beyond repair.

Just sharing guys. Good luck. If interested visit the Al-anon thread for more insight.

Terrible-Dentist4437 · 2024-11-03T18:34:20+00:00

I posted this in another thread but it applies to this. I didn't initiate it bit I agree with what you're saying.

12 year relationship/10 years married and she just moved out of our house Thursday with our youngest cat. She told me in January that if I didn't get sober her birthday gift to herself would be a divorce. So I did. I'm 10 months sober on the 5th. But in July, the day before her birthday and after spending the day with my sister when I had to work because I'm a KM in a healthcare facility and was short staffed, she told me it was over. The whole process took 3 months and we lived together the whole time, at first trying to be 'amicable' but quickly grey rocking and not speaking to each other at all.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2024-11-03T18:04:42+00:00

My wife complained about my drinking. Then I did something about it. I’ve been sober a couple months.

Guess what. She left anyway.

She had a plan.

Staying sober however, has been nothing but good for me.

Njm0059 · 2024-11-03T16:22:04+00:00

Been sober 7 years. We were together for 11 or so. I was sober for more than half. The day I got sober my relationship went down hill. Since I was no longer the one being shamed into her control she started to hate me. Years later I asked for a divorce

Jenova66 · 2024-11-03T15:53:15+00:00

I’m going through this now. The last few years I’ve gotten ultimatums over little fights. Then we tried counseling- she decided the problem was I needed to work on myself which led to individual therapy.

In February she told me she didn’t want to be together anymore and I convinced her let me work on things. My drinking spiraled as she had checked out at that point. Every interaction was abusive. I went to detox in June and moved out last month.

The hardest part is the prospect of starting over sober. I don’t really connect with folks in AA and don’t know how to meet people outside of drinks. My day to day is better when I’m busy but waves of loneliness and depression come every few days. Unfortunately all my friends and family drink a ton or are just bad at being supportive so I’ve got to figure it out alone.

Title	Divorce after sobriety
Author	Efficient_Leg4483
Upvotes	32
Comments	29
Date	November 3, 2024 3:44 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1giprjh/divorce_after_sobriety/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-after-sobriety.1534519 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534519

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