Heading for divorce. Need advice (DC)

Gattsama · 2025-02-17T19:02:38+00:00

CUT & PASTE

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there

IcyMycologist4837 · 2025-02-16T22:41:35+00:00

Do it sooner rather than later. Limits alimony and gives you time to rebuild. Child support is what it is. Unless you screw up 50/50 with child is standard. Don’t make false hope and delay by thinking couples therapy will help. Dead bedroom, poor communication and issues early in marriage. Couples therapy will just delay the inevitable and you may think do it for the child. These were my mistakes. Children suffer more when you have dead marriage and it is more painful for them and you the longer you wait. Plus you will get destroyed financially by waiting.

RandomDude007_ · 2025-02-16T21:30:09+00:00

Best do it sooner rather than let it play out for a decade or two like a lot of us.

Negative_Comfort6848 · 2025-02-16T19:10:26+00:00

Before divorce and since you seem still interested, how about couples therapy as a last attempt?

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-02-16T19:06:18+00:00

Contact a divorce attorney to find out what your opinions are; and go to couples counseling to find out what your wife needs. Postpartum and hormones are a bitch for some women.

Fight if that’s what you want.

Much_Importance_5900 · 2025-02-16T18:22:45+00:00

I'm in DC. I'm starting to search for lawyers on Yelp. I don't N iw anyken who divorced, so a bit short on recommendations!

Much_Importance_5900 · 2025-02-16T18:21:37+00:00

I understand and I have so much regret for having a kid... It would be so much easier otherwise.

Much_Importance_5900 · 2025-02-16T18:20:51+00:00

Agreed. Have you found Yelp reviews useful for this? Thank you

vamos_davai · 2025-02-16T18:10:38+00:00

I’m going to give an alternative suggestion and suggest you get your wife’s hormones checked. It may be suboptimal and causing a dead bedrooms situation

tyyyy110 · 2025-02-16T17:23:35+00:00

The family courts bc you're the breadwinner with no prenup will stick it to you, mate! No way around that. So you can seek legal counsel and weigh your options from there. Or just kinda do like most guys do, and that's stay in a dead marriage and fake the sh*t until the kid(s) are out of the out house or whatever. Or you can seek attention outside of the relationship. Hey, it happens, ijs.

Either way, there's no easy/smooth way to handle all of this unless you think she will suddenly change for the better.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-02-16T17:16:00+00:00

First, find a good family divorce attorney. Read the reviews of local ones near you. Pay the consultation fee and make sure you're armed with the correct legal information in regard to your situation and your state. That is step 1.

Your attorney will be able to do calculations for based on your gross income to include retirement accounts. This way, once your wife secures a lawyer, you'll have an idea of what she's coming for. And she will come for it.

She may be a good person but once she gets around the other toxic divorcees, they'll bring her under their wings and poison her mind.

metzgie1 · 2025-02-16T17:15:48+00:00

It’s really expensive and stressful to divorce. Also, remember that once a divorce is ‘final’ , there’s 15 years of check writing, visits back to court, resentment, anger, manipulation… make the decision with a lot of forethought- I’ve since remarried but the ex is still an albatross.

InternJimmy07 · 2025-02-16T17:03:30+00:00

First off depends what state your in

If divorce is in your future be the one who files you will control the narrative. More than likely she will turn into someone you never knew existed. Also pending your state you may also be fucked financially so expect that.

Get a good lawyer gather all the material needed before having your wife served itll be better. If she files she will control the narrative (that's what happened to me)

I wish you best of luck but divorce is not a quick process unless you both really can be civil with everything and come to an agreement but that's not the norm

Title	Heading for divorce. Need advice (DC)
Author	Much_Importance_5900
Upvotes	8
Comments	21
Date	February 16, 2025 4:58 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1iqwn17/heading_for_divorce_need_advice_dc/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/heading-for-divorce-need-advice-dc.1544056 https://theredarchive.com/post/1544056

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