Best way to break the news to keep things amicable?

Moms_Sketti88 · 2025-03-23T00:48:15+00:00

Good luck man. She seems more sane than my stbx. I got punched in the balls when I told mine I wanted a divorced. That re-assured me I was making the right decision.

justAnAccount5432 · 2025-03-22T21:03:27+00:00

You can try to for an amicable divorce, but probably won’t get it.

PRguy82 · 2025-03-22T14:02:51+00:00

I would not do this in public as it sounds like you are planning. I just went through this last night and did it at home. We have a park across the street, and we've had difficult conversations on walks before but this was different.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2025-03-22T13:23:56+00:00

No, you don’t do a whole date night to tell her you’re leaving her. It will feel like an ambush to her, and I can’t even imagine how awkward that dinner would be. When you’re delivering difficult news like this, you should be sensitive, but you should be direct and get to the point. If you need a script, it’s not simple and direct enough. Basically tell her what you told us here.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-03-22T12:09:00+00:00

I think by taking her out to dinner and then to a park you're setting yourself up for failure.

Before you do anything, make sure you have your ducks in a row financially. Make sure you have the passwords to your bank accounts.

Change the direct deposit information for your job. Make sure you get your phone plan straight.

And run this by your lawyer.

Conscious-Ad-7338 · 2025-03-22T07:06:54+00:00

There's nothing amicable about how women divorce their husbands. There's nothing amicable about how she treated you that led you here. Why do you care? Women treat divorce like total war; why do men always worry about making it agreeable and fair. I don't think you should wine and dine her and walk around a lake either. The smart thing is to do what your lawyer says to prepare and let him do all the talking to explain it to her. If you think you can get an easy, simple, non destructive divorce, take your shot at talking to her. I thought that too and it turns out talking, reasoning, and cooperating were entirely useless in divorce

probebeta · 2025-03-22T06:38:02+00:00

You feel unwanted, unloved, used. You can't afford to think about her feelings, sorry. Protect yourself with a lawyer first then proceed in any way you like. I know amicable in theory is possible, but just hearing what I've heard I believe it's a myth. This is especially the case when money and custody is on the line.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2025-03-22T05:58:58+00:00

Wishing you good luck with this. Start with telling her that you have made the decision to divorce her. Tell her you have already hired an attorney and the petition will be filed shortly or already has been (preferable). This is not something that you can ease her into gently.

WearyTraveller9120 · 2025-03-22T04:40:40+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1i40ke8/im_scared_to_divorce_my_wife_but_i_know_itll_be/

I'm scared to get divorced, but I feel like it'll be right for me once I get over the initial shock. (And sorry in advance for the length, just writing it all out.)

I've been with my wife for almost 20 years, married for 15 years. I fell in love with her in high school, and married her right after college. I looked past her flaws, and worked every day to be a better husband for her. That's part of the problem.

I'm a giver. Not just physical gifts, but in effort and everything else. I love giving, being romantic, providing, helping out around the house, doing little things for her, everything. I've always been excited to gift her exactly what she wanted for those special occasions, listening to her paid off every time and it always surprised her. I'm the same with our son as well, love making him happy.

But, part of the problem is, I'm always forgotten. I'm put on the back burner. I'm not prioritized. I'm not romanticized.

She's forgotten me on more than one occasion, so many so that I just don't expect anything anymore - not even a card. I can count on one hand how many times I've had a "good" birthday, father's day, or Christmas. And no, I don't mean she got me all the gifts I wanted. I'm very sentimental, she could have kept it simple with a night at home together watching a movie, or cooking a favorite meal, or something along those lines. Too many times had it been "Oh, your birthday was yesterday? I completely forgot" without even wishing me a belated happy birthday. This is the norm.

It doesn't stop there though.

Aside from the special occasions, there's the intimacy. Not just sex, but hand holding, a cuddle, peck on the cheek. There's absolutely none of that. We haven't held hands since 2016, kissing dwindled out around 2018, cuddling stopped in 2019, sex (which was already sparse) stopped in 2020. And when I do try to "enjoy" myself solo, she shames me on it. I'm not gonna lie, our first sexual experience before we got married was also somewhat jarring for me, because she made me feel dirty and shameful for climaxing. It was a hand job, not even requested by me, but she offered. Of course I came, but then she freaked out on me telling me how disgusting I was, wiping her hand off and retching, going to the bathroom and washing her hands off repeatedly. It scarred me, I didn't want to do anything for a long time after that. And I'd had partners before her that we all had a great time, so it was so different to be treated with disgust. It hurt so much.

So, sex has always been a chore it felt like no matter how I tried to help her enjoy it more. And I tried everything in my power - talking to her, trying new techniques, trying toys, offering to help us get counseling, anything. Nope, no go. "We should be able to fix this on our own" she'd say. Okay...

Even more than that though, it's her daily habits and excuses.

She is currently in school to finish her masters. Not going into too much detail, but she's working part time right now and I'm working full time. I work 50-60 hours each week and do most of the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the pets and pay all the bills, and more. When she's off, she doesn't do anything to help out, she's always fighting with our son, escalating instead of deescalating. She's holed up in her office watching TV on her computer, eating junk food/snacks. Rarely wants to spend time together with either of us. Our son is almost 18, and she's missing out.

I cook dinners, teaching him how to cook and take care of the house, do some handy man stuff, etc. Meanwhile 98% of the time she's isolated. I've asked her about it, and she says she's just trying to relax and unwind. I've asked her if anythings bothering her, no, she's just so tired.

The last date night we went on was three months ago, and it was just like most of the others. She's complaining about something with either our son or our house. No "us" time. When I do finally bring "us" up, she avoids it. Not just sex/intimacy, but us as a married couple, dreams, goals, etc. I've talked to her about us going to counseling, she refuses and says we ought to be able to fix it ourselves. When we had a huge fight a couple of years ago, she said she'd do therapy or counseling, but then let things fall through so we never attended. Meanwhile I've started therapy since August. It's helped, but my anxiety and worry still bother me.

What if I'm making a terrible choice? What if I regret it? Maybe it's okay being content with everything? How will [son] take this? How will she take it when I tell her I want to divorce her? How will her family react? How will mine react? What will happen to our pets? And the house? And so many more worries.

But then I come home in the morning to see fast food bags from door dash, explaining where her money is going. I see her laundry piled up on random places. I see everything I'm having to do for her. I see myself taking care of two kids (nothing against our son, just a generalization) rather than one.

She has said over the years when we've had fights that she's worried I'll divorce her. She offers to change, but the change either lasts a few days and ends, or never comes. She even said she was going to work on her resolution of doing more for everyone, including chores around the house. That lasted three days. "I'll do it later" ended up being me doing it instead after a week of waiting.

I've supported her through four different career/school changes, we've been through so much, several moves, family changes, and so much more. I hate to throw that away. But what's the point if I'm not at least a little happy?

Years ago I was suicidal, and had made plans for it, set a date, came up with the method, etc. Months went by, and I had one month left before I was to go through with it. Something finally made me want to tell her to hopefully get help for myself. I sat her down, told her I'd made plans to kill myself, and that I didn't want to do it - that I'd been depressed and anxiety had taken over my life.

Her response?

"I don't know what you want me to do about it."

That was the turning point to deciding that this wasn't the relationship for me.

I just want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be appreciated. I want to know that I matter.

I think I'm making the right choice. Not sure how to go about it or afford it, but I'll figure it out. I'm ready to enjoy my life again before I'm 40.

I just want to be happy.

Title	Best way to break the news to keep things amicable?
Author	WearyTraveller9120
Upvotes	9
Comments	22
Date	March 22, 2025 4:40 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jh0olb/best_way_to_break_the_news_to_keep_things_amicable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/best-way-to-break-the-news-to-keep-things-amicable.1547052 https://theredarchive.com/post/1547052

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