Did any of you end your marriage when neither party did anything wrong?

Outside-Dimension788 · 2025-03-26T01:28:54+00:00

My ex-wife did. Together almost 15 years. She told me that she was miserable at work, at home, and didn't like how she was treating me. I asked for couples counseling, even asked earlier in the marriage, and was turned down. I wanted to separate and try to work it out, she didn't. She told me she no longer found me attractive, and didn't even like me at this point. She said she built resentment for over 5 years, and it apparently boiled over. Even her family has sided with me against the reasons she said she wanted out. We had never sat down and discussed any issues, so the fact that it immediately to divorce was shocking. Don't get me wrong, I know that things weren't perfect, but it was the usual things you run into during a marriage that long and with little kids.

Since the divorce, I have found out things that suggest she left because she found a new man and that kind of spurred the whole thing on. Only she truly knows. It's been the roughest 5 months of my life and I know it has destroyed me more than I recognize. Today was the first day since she told me, that I felt the slightest glimmer of hope that I will be ok.

DaveTheDrummer802 · 2025-03-19T17:37:50+00:00

My wife was blinded by her baby clock ticking, I wanted to "do the right thing." After we decided to stop having children our entire relationship changed.

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-03-19T17:28:01+00:00

My wife is divorcing me and I didn't do anything wrong. No cheating, not abuse, etc. A lot of people think she might be cheating on me but I've seen no hard evidence yet. It might be the case that she has someone she wants to date, but again I've seen no evidence. So I will assume she isn't cheating. She did ask for a divorce right after I lost my high-paying job, so not sure if she was hanging on just for paycheck or not.

According to her the reason she wants a divorce is she just doesn't love me anymore and wants to take the next phase of her life on her own. We have a 9-year-old daughter so that will keep us entangled forever on some level.

Dry_Yogurt2458 · 2025-03-19T13:58:59+00:00

In her eyes neither of us did anything wrong other than the fact that I ended it without warning.

In reality she was abusive with very little to no insight into her behaviour. Even now she can't see that she has ever done anything wrong, even when the teenage kids call out her screaming and abuse she simply says "No I never" or "No I didn't" and that is the end of the matter and she won't discuss it further. In her mind she said that she never did (insert event or behaviour) and therefore she never did it. Or if my daughter says to her "mum stop shouting" she will get the answer "I am not shouting" screamed at her and therefore she is not shouting.

She is convinced that neither of us did anything wrong. She has so little self insight and such a skewed view of our history that I let her believe that.

I understand that everything that she did was normal to her given her mothers behaviour, and so in her eyes she actually didn't do anything wrong and nothing she did was abusive. Also she really does believe that if she says "no I didn't" or "no I never" then that is now the truth as that is how her mother lives her life.

I let her live in her reality that neither of us did anything wrong.

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-03-19T12:53:25+00:00

They key is understanding why YOU are unhappy. She is not going to fill your cup, you have got to figure out what is holding you back and what you can do to be happy in YOUR life. You will be unhappy with someone new or even by yourself. I would encourage you to find a great therapist and if you can’t figure it out with them, find a new one. You can’t do couples counseling well until you own your own shit

Grafixx5 · 2025-03-19T12:40:13+00:00

You can try counseling if the other party is willing. You can’t force them to though. I have been in counseling since 2012 and have tried what they told me. I think that I have improved, especially with things regarding the kids but it apparently isn’t or wasn’t or hasn’t been enough for my wife and she filed for divorce. She has refused counseling even though she said she wanted to go. Apparently she doesn’t believe in it and calls me a liar when I said she told me that we should go, ok whatever. I’m giving her something I’ve never wanted because I’ve always given her what she wants. I won’t keep her someplace she doesn’t want to stay and will wish her happiness with the new man she has already found.

xosto · 2025-03-19T12:39:33+00:00

If you're unhappy she's probably as well. One of you will end up pulling the trigger for the divorce if it feels easier than to make an existing relationship work.

But unless your partner is actively making your life difficult consider the possibility that you're responsible for finding your own happiness independent of your setting. This is trite but there are happy poor people and unhappy poor people just like there are happy rich people and unhappy rich people.

Sometimes we have a limited number of male friends who are initiated in men's work who have the capacity to guide you through this phase.

To answer your question, I considered ending things years before because I was unhappy but I didn't because I made a commitment and I wanted her to change so I could be happy. I was willing to change too but I wanted us both to work on things.

It seemed logical to do things that way but male-female relationships are not a business partnership you can logic through. Even the counselor we went to couldn't tell us that I wasn't taking care of myself, that she had lost attraction, and that our collective upbringing and those stories were having an impact.

By the time we separated I saw it with clarity and it was too late. I was mostly trying to preserve my family unit and her if she was still interested but she was gone

So if you are thinking like this I'll guarantee you she is as well

I didn't end it but I thought about it like you and a few years later she ended it. I too was married for 14 years with two elementary school aged kids.

I recommend seeking out a men's group if you're not part of one. There are online communities that are effective and many are not that expensive, maybe a hundred a month or so. You get access to group calls weekly and usually some courses and books to read and online discussions. I'm not here promoting any one of them, I've been a part of three of these kinds of groups and each focuses more for a certain part of my life (e.g. work, relationships, faith)

So my sincere advice is to get help. I did do therapy and saw a marriage counselor during my marriage and while those feel good like getting a massage it's still at most a weekly moment of clarity and I think a community whether you pay to join one or you have wise men in your life, that social aspect helps you reset your understanding of marriage.

Most men make marriage their everything and it's really not - divorced guys will tell you - and the ones that remarried and stay remarried broke their prior misconceptions the second time around. Some never get remarried and that's fine too but long term relationships with other people really require a close look at how you relate to yourself

Fun-Conference1361 · 2025-03-19T12:28:38+00:00

Did counseling years 3, 9, & 12. Was in a C marriage which was only declining and wanted an A or alone even. Were growing apart and I knew I was going to next phase in life (financially, emotionally). Couldn’t imagine being there with her to spoil it.

Confident-Crawdad · 2025-03-19T12:22:47+00:00

Counseling. 14 years is a lot of time to throw away.

Then, if you still have to leave, nobody's surprised by it.

Title	Did any of you end your marriage when neither party did anything wrong?
Author	PRguy82
Upvotes	8
Comments	40
Date	March 19, 2025 12:15 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jevkta/did_any_of_you_end_your_marriage_when_neither/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/did-any-of-you-end-your-marriage-when-neither.1547100 https://theredarchive.com/post/1547100

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