My wife of 18 years a Mental Illness and I can’t deal with it anymore

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-09-18T12:36:22+00:00

File for a psych eval of the ex. Consider taking the children to another location, and file for full custody. Yes, have the children testify against her lunacy.

DivorceBro · 2025-09-18T02:41:52+00:00

First, I hear the pain you're feeling in this situation. It's really tough to be with someone with an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness.

Second, obviously there's a lot in there that you really need to discuss with a lawyer and/or a certified divorce financial advisor (CDFA). And probably a licensed therapist, too. But a couple things that jump to mind:
1. Where I live (in Colorado), when one party files for divorce, there are "automatic injunctions" that go into effect, basically saying that it should be "business as usual" in terms of the finances. This MIGHT protect you from additional credit card debt, but ask a lawyer (where you live) about it to be sure.
2. One of the great things about divorce is that the kids no longer see you and your spouse as one unit. They get to see you for who you are, and her for who she is. Having at least one parent who is acting responsibly and in a healthy way may be sufficient for them to grow up healthy, particularly if you're able to coach them (without venturing into "alienation," of course) through some of the unhealthy situations they may experience with their mother. I raise this point to say that maybe you don't need FULL custody in order to protect the kids. (It could backfire to put them in the position of testifying against their mom, and the judge may not even allow it.) Maybe having the opportunity to live at least part-time in a functioning household would already be a big advantage for them. And your kids are old enough that they're probably already making their own assessments about what works and what doesn't work in their parents' behavior.

Look, a lot of the advice you've gotten on this sub is about the financial stuff, but honestly, what's the value of providing a safe home for your kids? Probably higher than a lot of the assets that will be divided up. It sounds like you're a really caring dad - focus on doing what's right as a dad and that will probably keep you headed in the right direction.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-09-16T14:13:32+00:00

We have $70k in student loans and around $40k in credit card debt.

Who is the one with the student loans? Because the other party does not have the education nor the ability to earn income off of it.

Our cars are paid for.

Find the value of both cars - those will need to be equalized. I took a bath on the other car when a judge just handed it to my ex who promptly sold it (mine is worth maybe 7k and the joint car was worth about 25k).

Pleasant-Mechanic-49 · 2025-09-16T13:26:30+00:00

debts and assets racked up during marriage are usually considered joint no matter whose name is on the card. so that 40k cc debt probably ends up split just like the house equity. -the student loans may be treated separately depending on when they were taken and whose name, but joint loans are still joint.

Alimony/child support: you mentioned $4‑5 k a month. That’s in the ballpark for a household with three kids and a $160 k income, but the exact number will depend on the state’s guidelines, your wife’s earning potential, and the kids’ needs.

don’t beat yourself up over the lack of retirement savings. you’ve been triaging for a long time. once the dust settles you can rebuild—plenty of people start in their 40s/50s and still make a solid nest egg.

biggest advice: talk to a family law attorney in your state asap. just do a consult, lay it all out, get an idea of what

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⚠️DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE⚠️ unless u have a lawyer-approved agreement is in place or legally advised/forced to do so (you lawyer or judge decision). Repeat that to yourself 10 x. Seriously.
Here's why:

Once you're out, she becomes the primary caregiver by default. You're suddenly the "weekend dad." or "walking purse"
Her 👹lawyer might tell her to drag this divorce out for years for Free housing and financial support
BUT If you stay, she'll want to speed up the divorce READ THE REST HERE

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What to do now:

‑ Get a lawyer you trust. Many offer a free initial consult.
‑ Start gathering documentation: tax returns, bank statements, credit‑card bills, any medical or police records.
- Financial Lockdown : most critical financial advice and can save you tens of thousands of dollars. Just before he moment you serve her

Split Your Income: Reroute your direct deposit to a new, individual bank account in your name only.
Order all 3 Credit reports on yourself (Experian, Equifax, TransUnion) for free from this link and freeze your credit so no new loans can be opened in your name
Freeze Joint Accounts: freeze all joint checking, savings, and credit accounts. This prevents your ex from draining savings or running up new debt in your name. Or If large joint balances exist, talk to your bank today about placing a 2-signature requirement or “dual-control” hold on withdrawals above a certain dollar figure until the divorce is filed and temporary orders are entered. Make sure to discuss it with lawyer to do it the right way

rum53 · 2025-09-16T11:27:57+00:00

I handle the majority of household duties. My wife was a stay at home mom for 10 years until our youngest went to school full time. She also works in education so her schedule matches the kid’s school schedule.

Honestly, I don’t think we will be able to afford the house if we do split. Also, we moved to a new area for work 6 years ago and have no family support within 500 miles of us.

My job is 7am to 4pm and I have a 40min commute. I’m about to change jobs in the same company and my commute will become 60min. I worry that she will make a play for primary residence because of our schedules.

ForQueenandCountry82 · 2025-09-16T07:14:41+00:00

I feel our pain mate. My ex-wife had mental health issues and one of her things was constantly buying things. If I had stayed with her I would have had to file bankruptcy. After 20 years together and now 5 years divorced I've finally cleared the debt she got me into. The married seriously affected my financial position in life. You are not alone. All the best

jkw118 · 2025-09-16T04:03:04+00:00

so 1st off don't leave the house.. Stick to it.. My ex is BP2, and has a ton of other issues.. and we split when the kids were younger..

As to custody and spousal support it becomes a question of what happens with the kids.. I'm assuming you can handle doing the mortgage payments - without her.. But the question is can she?

Also who currently takes care of the kids and the house? --when my ex left.. I did all of it, and had been for 4 or 5 years.. she barely had worked.. and would make maybe 45-50k when it was finalized..

The reality is, you assuming you want to take on being the primary for the kids.. and apparently are the more responsible of the 2 of ya.. Expect to end up paying at least half the debt.. and then paying the ex 30k ontop of that.. You may be able to negotiate taking on all the existing credit card debt in exchange for her part of the house. The student loans (tend to stick with the actual student)

My ex was super toxic, if she's not expecting the divorce it will likely get worse.. Ideally she'll just get peeved and move in with her parents.. All I can say about that is go through the house take pictures of every room.. My ex literally went through the house on a weekend and took things (some which was specifically mine from before the marriage) she sold them at a pawn shop.

Unusual_University14 · 2025-09-16T03:26:59+00:00

Dealing with a divorce with ex-wife with significant mental illness. All assets and debts get split, so she may have run up $40k in debt, but that's marital debt.

What will determine your future is whether you can come to terms on kids.

I'm on custody trial 2, she is poised to lose all decision-making and be reduced to some form of supervised visitation, but pretty much all the assets have been burned in a pile. Maintenance runs out in 6 years and she'll likely be homeless. In this economy I'm hoping to keep the plates spinning until then. Maybe $500k in total just legal expenses.

If her mental illness inspires a war for custody, it won't be child support you need to worry about.

omegared138 · 2025-09-16T01:37:55+00:00

While I can't offer any financial advice, your situation is very familiar. Give your kids a safe, supportive and stable environment; and take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

It's probably gonna get rough and dark, keep going and don't give up.

bluephotoshop · 2025-09-16T01:13:10+00:00

Lock down your accounts asap. Close any jointly owned accounts. Get yourself a lawyer. Give him/her a BIG retainer. She can’t touch that.

_uCanDoBetterBrO_ · 2025-09-16T01:12:52+00:00

Your state has statutes that should provide some clarification for you but honesty it’s all a negotiation and what her attorney tells her vs what your attorney can convince hers to tell her.

Title	My wife of 18 years a Mental Illness and I can’t deal with it anymore
Author	rum53
Upvotes	8
Comments	13
Date	September 16, 2025 12:57 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ni3lxv/my_wife_of_18_years_a_mental_illness_and_i_cant/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/my-wife-of-18-years-a-mental-illness-and-i-cant.1562079 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562079

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