How do you deal with resentment and alimony?

Fluffy_Afternoon652 · 2025-11-03T08:33:28+00:00

I'm in the same boat. In CA and stuck with lifetime alimony. My quality of life sucks while she live off of me and her rich parents. When I was married I thought all I was is a paycheck. Divorce did not give me freedom. I'm still a paycheck. O my time I hear from my kids in college is when they need me to pay a bill or need money. I've been divorced for 2 years now and still mad as hell every day. I struggle with SI daily. I go to church, pray, therapy once a week and still mad as hell. I'm so done with this world.

notconvinced780 · 2025-11-03T04:30:59+00:00

Hi @U/tommarvoloriddle1926, you said in your post that: “Stayed married cause we had an agreement that I would keep her on my health insurance and she’d leave my retirement alone.” Can you provide some color around why the agreement is not holding up? Does your lawyer think she has a chance at prevailing, and if so why? If your agreement is “bad” the lawyer did a poor josh drafting it. Get another lawyer to both evaluate it, and decide if there was legal malpractice or if your STBXW is just blowing smoke but doesn’t have a leg to stand on. If you have no written agreement, that sucks, but might not be the end the road, especially if others knew about the arrangement. I’d talk to them, refresh their memories about the details of this arrangement that had been agreed to 8 years ago, ask them to help you by signing an affidavit that YOU, OP, with the help of counsel draft up, detailing those terms and circumstances. The more people who you get to do this the better. You’ll be surprised how willing to help, many people will be. If you can get a few of her “former friends” to do as well, it would be even better! Go get them.

koskesh122 · 2025-11-03T03:24:29+00:00

My ex filed false r"pe accusation in middle of divorce to get a leg up in family court. I was criminally charged.
How to let go of resentment? Only 1 way: Forgiveness through Jesus. Also working out daily. Nothing else will help.

2025-11-03T02:50:59+00:00

Everytime I pay my pathological liar who launched a multi year long silver bullet method at me, I pretend I am in a whore house and she is the least likely to be chosen. Basically I pay a lost soul. Someone who made every bad decision for herself and if I stop she is dead. In real life she would fail without me. Infact if I stoop to a fraction of what she has done to me and the kids, she would perish. So in reality I am just a saint and she is a sick bitch that would be dead without me. It's a bit of a stretch but not too much. So I feel good about myself. Anyways the system did it to us. You want to blame someone? Blame the government for allowing this shit. How can I do this to the kids anyways? How can I cut her off?

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-11-02T22:40:58+00:00

Of Gottman's 4 horses, resentment is the biggest cause leading to divorce.
Most feel resentment during and or after divorce.
It's probably not healthy to dwell on it. Accept you have made a mistake by not divorcing her 8 years ago and start to focus on rebuilding.
Easy? No. Unalive yourself with 3 kids? I think you need therapy my guy. All the best!

TheSmartLawGroup · 2025-11-02T20:43:01+00:00

You are entitled to resent her with everything you have, but focus on your two kids that chose to live with you (which says a lot) and your youngest who needs you. What you are describing is a situation for your youngest to live with you more than just 50/50. It might be hard to see now, but you will be okay and let that be your "Northstar".
That separation should protect you, even if she is reneging on the agreement. It would be helpful to find something in writing that can confirm that "agreement" to stay married during your separation, but the separation speaks for itself, especially if she had boyfriends during that time. Hopefully, your finances confirm that you lived separate lives. What did she do with her money? You need to have a long conversation with your attorney about how to defend yourself and, at least, limit the "damage". If she gets anything from your retirement, it should be limited to the amount at the time of separation. Any claim for alimony or spousal support should also be limited because of the separation and her choices. Don't concede those issues. If your attorney says these things don't matter, get a second opinion. The law is different everywhere, but you definitely need someone who will protect you.

Jwoot1111 · 2025-11-02T20:03:21+00:00

Not sure they are going to give her anything gained since legal separation 8 years ago. Financial investigators will find what value she has the right to.

Would be surprised she got alimony as well since she has been on her own for 8 years.

Get a good lawyer. Dont be afraid to pay 1k or more in 2-3 consultations.

2025-11-02T20:01:39+00:00

Did you have a legal separation document? If not thats tough. Judge can deviate and use date of separation.

Usually assets get split based on Date of Commencement (filing)

Why did you not file sooner? What kind of retirement acct? Police pension or like 401k etc

Des she have any assets?

What kind of disability did she claim?! Like she cant walk?

warwww · 2025-11-02T19:55:21+00:00

My God do they really have society tilted in their favor.

How did we ever come to this?

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2025-11-02T19:39:43+00:00

This falls into the lists of “things I can’t control” and those things don’t get my energy.

Things I can control (my thoughts and my actions) get my energy.

I’ve tripled my income since my divorce. I refocused my energy. That alimony check is now only 12% of my take home pay. It was 35% when I started paying

a_day_at_a_timee · 2025-11-02T19:34:27+00:00

This is the danger of being separated… Had you gotten divorced 8 years ago you would probably be about ready to get your lifetime alimony payments cancelled.

You would have had to pay her 50% of your retirement 8 years ago as well, but now she’s got a legal claim to anything you saved since then. You have a legal argument that she doesn’t deserve anything beyond 2017 but it’s probably going to cost you $30k to $60k to make your case to a judge.

jarnock · 2025-11-02T19:24:27+00:00

I really think you need some therapy to work through that.

LonelyNC123 · 2025-11-02T19:07:49+00:00

Friend - if you find the answer please let me know.

I speculate most guys here feel the same way.

I will do a 50/50 asset split in a second. But NOBODY deserves alimony.

I regularly consider going 'unalive' but my young adult daughter still needs her dad.

Title	How do you deal with resentment and alimony?
Author	TomMarvoloRiddle1926
Upvotes	19
Comments	33
Date	November 2, 2025 7:00 PM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ompos3/how_do_you_deal_with_resentment_and_alimony/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-deal-with-resentment-and-alimony.1565669 https://theredarchive.com/post/1565669

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