How do you seduce someone who wants closeness but panics at emotional intimacy?

Ladline69 · 2025-11-19T13:38:26+00:00

You. Leave.

IWASJUMP · 2025-11-19T13:51:00+00:00

Oh bro just dont do it, I know you will and probably already invested emotionally, but I still have to say dont. Avoidant girls are the biggest cannon events for guys. I have been through this for at least 10 months straight. I almost went insane and then eventually heart broken.

InTheNow_lifestyle · 2025-11-19T17:17:08+00:00

I think a lot of people underestimate how common this dynamic actually is. Some people genuinely want closeness, but their nervous system is wired to "brace for impact" at the same time. It can be a weird push/pull internally...if that makes sense?

What I’ve seen work (on both sides of this dynamic) is keeping things steady, safe, and pressure-free. If you're “walking on eggshells,” you've done something wrong....but showing through your actions that connection doesn’t equal loss of freedom or immediate commitment.

A few things that help:

Matching pace - If they’re opening up slowly, match that instead of pushing for deeper emotional conversations.
Don’t try to “fix” someone...like, ever. If you start treating their boundaries or walls as a puzzle you need to solve, they'll feel labeled. Staying present, playful, and grounded goes further than analysis.
Look for actions, not words or declarations. If someone says they’re not looking for anything serious but keeps showing up with vulnerability, shared routines, and intimacy… their actions are telling you where the real interest is. Trust their actions.

Curious what others will say too… this is a dynamic a lot more people deal with than they admit. Even myself included in the past - good luck!

balthazardous · 2025-11-19T13:28:04+00:00

The question is: do you actually want to date this kind of person? Until recently, I thought that it's ok and I (or we, together) could create a safe place. But now I have the impression that it's yet another unhealthy relationship. The sad fact is, it's indeed a very common situation, and just makes it even harder to meet someone fitting for a LTR.

TheDugiMan · 2025-11-19T14:31:35+00:00

You stop trying to fix other ppl

azzurri_1987 · 2025-11-19T13:26:19+00:00

You dont, that juice ain't worth the squeeze, you may even begin to resent them, which is not their fault....in my humble opinion

ChiefPastaOfficer · 2025-11-19T18:49:23+00:00

It's called anxious-avoidant attachment style, and it needs therapy. The seducer could, at most, be supportive during treatments and attend sessions. But the anxious-avoidant will need to be very active and/or proactive, otherwise their partner is getting stringed along.

GreedyLime49 · 2025-11-19T19:34:09+00:00

First off I must say that you shouldn't look forward to helping someone with their issues because it's not going to work, they have to realize they have a problem and then choose to do something about it themselves, and at that point is when you could support them in the process, but you cannot initiate the change.

The guy you're dating is avoidant. In this case when he realizes you're getting too close, he goes away, but he don't want to lose you completely, so after abandoning you for a while he comes back. You gotta let him do that, and be ok with the situation. Be willing to give him a lot of space and be arms open when he decides to come back.

You might end up enduring this dynamic for the whole relationship though, so if you're ok with that in the long run this is what you gotta do, so you better be aware of it. In the end he might get closer and even while in a serious relationship, he'll eventually pull back again and go away to then come back, sometimes he may even create problems in the relationship to have an excuse to blame you and pull away again.

It's pretty emotionally exhausting, so unless you're willing to endure and accept that behavior you better just let him go away and don't accept to continue the relationship when he comes back.

ImpossibleWaiting · 2025-11-19T14:29:11+00:00

Two steps forward, one step back. Communicating about what you want to do. It's 'just the tip' kind of thing, except you actually do just the tip and pull away, building trust. It's all about trust.

Few_Competition_1989 · 2025-11-19T15:56:34+00:00

Chat how do I get the selfish kid to share his gummies with me?

worthwhilethrowaway · 2025-11-19T17:36:54+00:00

avoid anxious/avoidant attachment styles. they will drive you insane.

tonyferguson2021 · 2025-11-19T17:53:15+00:00

It’s ‘normal‘ to be like this, we’re all a bit on the scale between anxious / avoidant attachment.

Being in connection to another can accelerate ‘healing’ but will also bring up triggers along the way.

Perhaps start with being vulnerable yourself. Let the other see aspects of you which are rarely seen, perhaps those parts of you are very tender or private. Revealing or sharing that could show that it can be safe to share in that way.
Don‘t push, they need to emerge from their shelter of their own accord when ready, perhaps some will never be ready. Maybe some of this can be teased out gently.
‘Match their funds,’ don’t invest more than they are willing to, you could end up feeling resentful that you are in an unbalanced situation.

Pay attention to their actions not their words, what somebody says in this context is meaningless if you feel nothing underneath their expressions. On the other hand, I’m sure you can tell by how your own emotions feel when you are with this person if their heart/ nervous system is closed off and alert vs open and receptive.

Dont try to ‘get’ something, or change the other, being able to accept someone as they are is a good starting point IMO

Crystalisedorby · 2025-11-19T20:47:22+00:00

I've had a somewhat similar experience recently,

Navigating through it was a mental warzone.

Anyways, what I've come up with is they want to feel loved but they are in a state where they are finding survival (emotional and non emotional) difficult. And dating is something which requires more than survival, it requires a thriving state.

The person in question here overcoming their state of mental storm is what's important primarily. You can help them but it'll have to be them breaking their cocoon from inside you can encourage but do not break the cacoon from them.

"Break a cocoon from inside and it's a new life, break a cocoon from outside and it's life being lost"

As u/Inthenow_lifestyle pointed out. Those points need to be considered.

Forcing you way to a relationship with a person who finds survival difficult won't help well to either of you.

Help as a friend. Draw boundaries, Listen actively. Creating moments which make yall feel happy would help.

I feel I could've given a clearer solution to you here. But even I don't see a crystal clear path here.

Available-Buddy-70 · 2025-11-20T07:20:26+00:00

been with such a person, eventually you will become heartbroken, these types are mess who cant understand the pain they cause by acting like retards, for your mental health just leave them and find someone who doesnt need to be fixed, its not your job to fix it, let me guess... most of these people grew up in families where father figure wasnt present

pie-mart · 2025-11-19T13:54:12+00:00

Well, she clearly has trust issues. Seduction won't work. You just have to prove you aren't the people who hurt her. Just do what you said you'd do. Be honest and upfront. And allow her to come to you. But don't ghost or pull away. Just be a constant presence and allow her the space and time she needs to trust you

Women are like cats that way. You just need to open the carrier. Let her out in the environment. Don't try and force petting her or giving her attention. Just BE THERE but allow her to bridge any gaps

Trust takes time. And for people who have been hurt before, it just takes a little longer.

If you actually care about her, all you need is to jjat be there and be patient and don't expect her or act like she needs to be vulnerable before she is ready and before she trusts you

If you say you will be there at 8 be there at 8. If you say you will call, call

Etc etc. But you always allow her to come to you for the depth when she is ready

Lolo_PM · 2025-11-19T15:50:39+00:00

Do it in defined stages and talk about vulnerability hangovers afterwards and any residual feelings

toastwithbutter1 · 2025-11-19T17:41:21+00:00

Run away, i am in the same predicament but i don’t have the strength to do so.

soulxtrawets · 2025-11-19T17:52:08+00:00

Haha it’s not funny as this is me. I hate being touched. Only one person can that I don’t have an issue with. All i can say is don’t make the seduction intimate at first. Make it hot and erotic.

MineDesperate2920 · 2025-11-19T18:09:49+00:00

I’ve talked to a couple girls who always find guys like this. The issue is the guys don’t actually like you they just want their cake and to eat it too. That’s it. Need to stop overthinking it. I know 2 girls that just go through revolving doors of guys like this and I tell them this every time and they say nooooo. Then the guy leaves again

Siyuen_Tea · 2025-11-19T23:36:18+00:00

The solution to this is drugs and therapy. Think of the personality like a PTSD response and the thing they want triggers their PTSD. They would need to want to do both for change to even begin to happen but some people are comfortably broken and there's nothing that can be done about that. Not responsibly at least.

Woymalep_Yay · 2025-11-20T18:22:11+00:00

Dont do it. Leave. People like this (men or women) want the fruits without having any responsibility, but someone has to have that responsibility.

You will be crushed with guilt, anxiety and look back wondering why you are not the person you once knew.

While they will use you as a mommy they can fuck.

CNC_Addict · 2025-11-19T15:39:16+00:00

She runs from safety and stability. Instability is her norm. The real answer is to be the dangerous unhealthy thing she runs from healthy things towards. Maybe she gets emotionally close to you during those times, but the instant you reciprocate it, she's gone. It's not healthy for you if you're looking for real closeness. You'll never get real closeness from her.

Title	How do you seduce someone who wants closeness but panics at emotional intimacy?
Author	Emotional_Eye7374
Upvotes	25
Comments	42
Date	November 19, 2025 1:18 PM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1p17gum/how_do_you_seduce_someone_who_wants_closeness_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-you-seduce-someone-who-wants-closeness-but.1566878 https://theredarchive.com/post/1566878

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