Struggling, guys. My GF shot an armed assailant and I'm the one who can't wrap my head around it.

Archwinger · 2016-01-13T17:29:11+00:00

A lot of people don't have it in them to actually put a bullet in someone else or respond that calmly and rationally to danger. Your girlfriend does.

It's not so much that she's manlier than you that's getting to you. It's that she's always had this in her, and you never knew, and how could you not know that about somebody you're serious about?

She's supposed to need you, and she didn't need you then, and she doesn't need to talk about this now because she can handle her own shit and her own feelings. So she doesn't need you, and you're feeling insecure because somebody you thought needed you doesn't need you at all and never has. So the inner voice inside of you is wondering why she's with you if she doesn't need you.

You're starting to feel inferior, because you're not confident in yourself. If you were a badass man - physically fit and good-looking, professionally successful, socially apt and well connected, well versed in useful skills and interesting hobbies, confident, decisive, a good leader, and an all-around badass man who has options with nearly any woman he encounters -- then this wouldn't affect you at all.

Johnny10toes · 2016-01-13T17:25:20+00:00

The world needs more people like her.

Men have sent other men straight to their death charging machine gun nests. I think you can get over this.

redpillshadow · 2016-01-13T18:21:08+00:00

You are not her man and in a situation where she needed you you were not her man. Your relationship will not survive based on the information you have given us.

You talk a lot about being her man and how you want to fake it, but you are not doing it.

I reach over to grab my GF's hand and let her know it'll all be cool and to keep her from freaking, but she's not even looking at me - she's locked on the dude waving his gun around and reaching for her purse.

She is in defense mode. She is worried about the threat right in front of her. You are worried about projecting a fake security onto her, to play alpha, not be alpha. Your main worry is to shield her from reality, to pretend everything is safe. Meanwhile you also insult her by assuming she would freak. Not cause she gives you any information in her body language that she might freak, instead cause you are selfish and want a weaker person as yourself as your girlfriend. Your mindset is incredibly off in that situation.

I've known my GF has had her concealed carry permit for awhile (her Dad and brothers do, just kind of a thing I guess) but I wasn't aware she actually carried. I definitely didn't know she had something like RIGHT FUCKING THEN.

You have that information and still you misread her that much. That is really bad. You cannot be the protector if you are not able to digest information about her, if you do not know who she is. Your job as a protector wasn't to pretend you have a fragile girlfriend who needs to be stopped from crying hysterically. Your job as a protector was to make sure she doesn't misjudge the situation and get herself killed by mis-drawing her gun. I'm not saying stop her, but keeping a watchful eye out when things go south so you can react. The situation is that she has a gun, you are now in charge of making sure she executes the bastard while taking minimal risk. Instead you do that

Total chaos. GF now has her gun and has actually moved fucking closer to this nut job, I'm whispering for her to just be cool and she's whispering back she's okay.

You take her out of concentration. You make her take the protector role, you make her calm her man down who is about to freak.

then a bunch of us piled on him until the cops came.

I'm sure you weren't the first to act and pile on him. I'm sure you didn't check your girlfriend. I'm sure you didn't immediately embrace her and tell her that she did awesome. I'm sure you jumped on the guy as number 3, more interested at playing alpha and taking down an already defeated opponent than being alpha and taking care of your woman.

Now of course she doesn't think that she can confine in you.

For a few weeks afterward she'd take an extra run or something and just say she needed "to think some things over" but that's really it. I'm waiting for this breakdown that just hasn't come or something

You are messing up constantly. She is taking those runs alone and dealing with the situation alone cause you showed her that you can deal with it even less than she can. Hell you are still waiting for her to crawl to you instead of being her rock. You are waiting for her to break down, so she is fragile again, the type of woman again you want. The type of woman you can protect and save. It is more important for you to be a knight than doing the alpha thing. As the alpha in such a situation you need to be proactive. You need to be the one in control, you need to be the one who knows everything, before she tells you anything. But you aren't in control. She is and she likely hates it.

, and meanwhile I can't stop replaying the whole thing in my mind. I feel like the girl in this relationship all of a sudden. Not sure what to do, thanks for any insight.

You are. You are more worried about your feelings and how your actions might look than with being the leader in the relationship. You didn't lead at any moment in the interactions. Neither at the diner, nor afterwards at home. You are waiting for her to make a move.

[deleted] · 2016-01-13T19:16:14+00:00

[deleted]

What is this?

[deleted] · 2016-01-13T18:19:19+00:00

ingebunny · 2016-01-13T18:00:34+00:00

You have an awesome girlfriend...just putting it out there.

sheshothim · 2016-01-13T17:55:33+00:00

Why do so many men get caught up with being "needed"? I've seen male friends and men in my family succumb to handing themselves over to a pathetic woman because of how manly it makes them feel for these wretched women to be 100% dependent on them. I love absolutely nobody but myself and my aging parents "needing" me to get by just fine. I don't need that commitment or responsibility.

Anyways, back to your question. Instead of focusing on her needing you for manly protection, why not just focus on her being attracted to you? There are a million more feelz you can induce into a woman than "Oooh big man protect me." Hell, since she was already trained to protect herself, she probably had other reasons she is attracted to you. Simply being a man who can stand letting her have a little bit of masculinity might even be part of that.

Regardless, I don't see how this is anything but awesome for you. Your girl is a badass. Get yourself a concealed permit license as well. At least she won't be the type picking fights for you at bars just to test you "manliness".

littleteafox · 2016-01-14T23:43:42+00:00

You can't go back and change what happened. What would you have preferred to have done, anyway? Wrestle for the gun that you aren't trained for? Tried to be more "macho", possibly getting yourself or others hurt?

She needs you now. I doubt she was able to just shoot someone in a highly stressful situation and then come out all honkey dorey. She's taking extra runs because she's still feeling the aftermath. She's probably going to be on edge for a while, especially if she goes inside a bar/casino place again. This is where you step in as her rock. Having one scenario play out where she steps up doesn't negate you being the captain of the relationship. At RPW we often talk about how we show deference, but only to our captain. We are confident, we have great jobs, we play sports or do martial arts, etc - all of this is outside of the relationship dynamic. She did what needed to be done in the face of danger. RPW like our men to be rocks, sturdy, strong, and there for us when we feel like we're falling apart. This is something completely in your control.

slurmfactory · 2016-01-13T18:40:30+00:00

Man that chick is bad fucking ass. Don't feel like the chick. You probably have light PTSD or something after such an insane and stressful event. I mean your girlfriend shot someone in front of you. I would go get some counseling on your own time and try to let your head settle. Give her plenty of space as I am sure it is probably even more intense to her.

Rasalom72 · 2016-01-13T17:23:57+00:00

She has a carry permit, so she's had some training in handling a weapon, and using it properly. If more people did this, there would be less crime, and less criminals.

My only problem is that she didn't have better aim and finish him off to take the burden off the justice/ medical system.

Other then that, learn the lesson here. THE HAMSTER HAS A GUN AND KNOWS HOW TO USE IT. Don't fuck with an armed hamster.

Man up, take some lessons on how to deal with weapons, and move on. Or keep looking for your GF to protect you.... your choice.

sheshothim · 2016-01-13T18:49:02+00:00

I am willing to bet you acted fucking weird afterwards and that's what is really bothering you. If you had maintained frame and were like damn that was awesome to her and never really brought it up again like it was something you expected her to do or not that big of a deal you'd be fine. Have you had little talks since? Are you withholding information with us that you acted way more like a bitch in this scenario?

beware_the_syllogism · 2016-01-13T23:56:41+00:00

Get your CCW. Have her teach you to shoot. You'll have to work on the mindset. I cannot find women who want to shoot. It's a bummer.

TheBeardedMarxist · 2016-01-14T00:19:18+00:00

As someone who still carries in casinos when they have a sign on the door saying not to because I figure if I ever need it the law is the least of my worries, was there any legal issues for her?

[deleted] · 2016-01-14T01:55:48+00:00

You sound intimidated and emasculated

TDCRedPill · 2016-01-13T17:50:00+00:00

She shot a dude, of course she's going to need some time to process things. Deal with it and be supportive.

As for your own insecurities, stow that shit immediately. She's processing what happened and if you're not completely a solid, stoic rock, you won't be of any use to her.

She properly handled a bad situation. She sounds like exactly the kind of person you want on your team watching your back. If you're crumbling, you're not worthy to be watching hers. Step the fuck up.

TheAngryLife · 2016-01-13T20:31:17+00:00

What is your gut telling you to do? I think you know best.

If you want to feel needed in the relationship, you should develop skills that make you feel needed: Combat? Extreme sport? Firearms?. Women can see weakness better than anyone. Nothing in reality is making you weaker than you were before, only that your girlfriend stepped up. Your male ego, by proxy, is making you think weak because of this.

Maybe it's time you got your own carry license, learnt to shoot, excel at it, to the point where you can teach her a few things, exceed her confidence in firearms. If only for your personal restoration.

Be prepared for you guys to drift separate ways if you don't step up and cure your ego. In which case you must find ways of improving anyway.

Best of luck.

NikeSlut · 2016-01-13T20:40:39+00:00

If you show any signs of insecurity about the situation, you are as good as gone in her mind. To be frank, the way you handled the dangerous situation in the most beta way possible makes me have no sympathy for you, faggot. Don't be surprised when she jumps on chads dick and sucks it dry.

LaV-Man · 2016-01-13T20:46:35+00:00

I have a permit. I think all the time about if/when I have to use my weapon. I like to think I've prepared myself mentally for the aftermath. Perhaps she's done the same.

Regardless, you should encourage her to talk to a therapist who has dealt with this sort of thing.

htbf · 2016-01-13T21:23:43+00:00

This was months ago ? You feel like nothing have changed between you two ? Is sex the same ?

Have you talked about this ?

Anyway, if you feel insecure about this, I don't see any way out.

If it's not insecurity, then you should be able to talk it out and get back to the previous state of the relationship.

In any case, you have to continue behaving exactly like before. If she's a feminine woman at the core, there WILL come a time where her emotions will surface and that will be the "test" you can't fail. She shot someone, saved lives and you're proud of her and you wouldn't have any other way from her. End of story.

MyLittleAtomBomb · 2016-01-13T21:26:22+00:00

Your girlfriend is Liam Neeson.

egoisenemy · 2016-01-13T22:48:58+00:00

You'll be alright OP

marty2k · 2016-01-13T23:50:33+00:00

I was in a sort of similar situation. No guns but the same feeling. Me and a plate were out and a guy had a cardiac arrest. I knew CPR but barely and hadn't renewed my license in years. She was a nurse. I hesitated, she jumped in immediately giving CPR and ordering me to dial 911. She saved that guy's life, she took charge of the situation and was the alpha in that moment. My frame was broken (at least it was for the great good).

I won't lie, I was feeling the same thing shortly after. I had never been in a situation where I needed to reverse roles with a woman before. I was shaken. But I was able to get out of my head. After it all was over I complimented her about it, made some tease about the nurse from Animaniacs, and fucked her brains out at home.

My plate being more equipped to handle a medical emergency does not make me less of a man or leader. Does the leader of a group of Marines get emasculated when a medic saves a life? She had the skill necessary for that scenario, but I have the overall frame and confidence to handle any other scenario she's not equipped to. Yeah you're girl can handle a gun, so what. It's a tool, anyone can learn to use a tool. Can she lead a date better than you? If you guys came across a situation she's never been in, who would be the one to step up? Does she have the frame and confidence you do? Who's the captain of the ship? I'm guessing it's you.

Stop thinking so much about it, it's your reaction to her dominance rather than the dominance itself that's affecting your relationship.

Overzealous_BlackGuy · 2016-01-14T00:04:43+00:00

You failed when you didnt act, from your story you did nothing but let her go to the frontline. Alone.

And now your forcing her to act like she needs you when she probably isnt sure if she ever will.

Take a deep breath reset, and be aware of what happened but act like it didn't. Embrace her actions, support her the real way. Tell her what she did was brave, tell her she motivated you to carry. Speak to her like equals, Remember you lost frame and you are no longer in a position of control reain by handling this a lot better than her.

medik13 · 2016-01-14T00:26:19+00:00

i actually went through something similar only in the UK. Instead of waving a handgun around he was challenging people to fisticuffs, my girlfriend offered him a cup of tea. he calmed down and we had a good giraffe about it down the local over a few bevvies.

yGTWgtNrco · 2016-01-14T01:48:41+00:00

Reads like she's been trained well. Good on her.

InscrutablePUA · 2016-01-14T01:55:36+00:00

This is one of the most interesting posts to have come up on asktrp in recent memory. I bet the large majority of men here would've done what OP did, which is also what law enforcement advises you to do in an active shooter situation unless you're very well trained.

The fact that she reacted so calmly and decisively means she really knows her way around weapons and may even have some training for this type of situation. It's quite frankly impressive.

My question is this: what would she have done had she not been carrying?

[deleted] · 2016-01-14T02:11:46+00:00

Tell her its awesome and you had no idea she was that good at shooting. Go out to a shoot range with her , get involved. Clearly it saved some lives . I might not be super pro gun, but nothing wrong with getting involved. Don't make it a big deal, if its brought up just say the dick head had it coming to him. Be proud of her for this one.

InscrutablePUA · 2016-01-14T02:11:53+00:00

OP I'm pretty sure you did the right thing in that situation. Law enforcement doesn't advise engaging the attacker unless you are well trained for such situations. What you did would've been perfectly fine for almost any girl out there who would've been freaking out at the time.

Unfortunately, it was not enough for the girl you're currently dating who apparently is weapons trained and able to act decisively under pressure. I'm not sure what it means for your relationship. Maybe nothing. Maybe she'll see you as less of a man now. I don't know. Only thing you can do now is do what TRP has always advised.

vw68MINI06 · 2016-01-14T04:36:20+00:00

This woman sounds like a badass who has her shit together. It also sounds like she is going to start looking for a new alpha who is tougher than her unless you step up and fast. Cut the emotional crap. Whispering to her not to do it probably didn't help. You showed that she was stronger than you in that moment and you continue to do so by trying to talk to her about it when she is clearly cool with it all.

Also, where do you guys live? In some states it is illegal to bring a gun into a bar even with a permit.

Finally, with all the gun scare news going on, this needs some serious publicity.

Gawernator · 2016-01-14T07:14:38+00:00

BAMF GF. As an avid shooter, it sure takes a lot to be able to draw and fire on someone accurately like she did. I am impressed.

Redditis4virgins · 2016-04-06T22:35:50+00:00

Strong women like this exist. They're extremely rare but they exist, nice catch bud, dont worry about it too much.

Get a CCW permit and follow her steps in a way and try to become like her and get past this.

t_m_1984 · 2016-01-13T20:42:22+00:00

She is pretty bad-ass. I want.

[deleted] · 2016-01-13T21:35:02+00:00

I havent dealt with this shit. But my guess would be to talk her up infront of friends etc

So instead of being phased by it you sound like your totally cool with it and actually think it was awesome.

This way you still hold frame and she's getting her daily dose of validation from you.

Being all haywire is making you the pussy.

[deleted] · 2016-01-13T20:42:27+00:00

Mild PTSD. Consider therapy.

Title	Struggling, guys. My GF shot an armed assailant and I'm the one who can't wrap my head around it.
Author	sheshothim
Upvotes	55
Comments	131
Date	January 13, 2016 5:18 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/40szk6/struggling_guys_my_gf_shot_an_armed_assailant_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/struggling-guys-my-gf-shot-an-armed-assailant-and.157 https://theredarchive.com/post/157

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