How long?

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-09T01:48:47+00:00

How long is a piece of string? None if this is linear and depends on each individual situation and how entangled you are, or if you have kids or not that means you will have to remain in contact and things like are you cohabitating.
Things started getting better for me after 2 years of cohabitating after she moved out. I hope you also outlast this like I did and hopefully your timeframe isn't as bad as mine and that makes you unbreakable because the pain will force you to grow as a person.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable and you will reap the rewards. Do the inner work to not make the same mistakes again.

LoveCrispApples · 2026-02-08T03:49:43+00:00

Everyone's journey is different, but mine has mirrored countless others. For context, I was with my ex for 16 years.

Month 1: Complete shock, walking around like a zombie, unable to eat anything. Sleeping was damn near impossible - maybe 3 hours if I was lucky.

Month 2 & 3: Overall feeling of dread, trying to bury myself in work but getting little accomplished. Details of her betrayal trickle in and her lies and grotesque name-calling and blameshifting threaten your self-worth. Her coldness makes you wonder what demonic entity possessed your once wonderful spouse. Bargaining and looking for answers from her that made sense (don't do it, you won't get any) dealing with legal paperwork, hoping my kids are in a decent headspace. Lost 32 lbs before it finally leveled out.

Months 4-6: Divorce finalized, but a constant potpourri of anger, sadness, and the inability to see a decent future. Attacking my free weights, push-ups, and hitting a heavy bag repeatedly, the silence in the house was deafening. The urge to drink a bottle of something warm and strong was always there. Sometimes I would, sometimes I wouldn't.

Month 7: I felt myself falling out of love.

Months 8-12: Waves of anger and sadness ebb and flow, but your "new normal" starts to take shape. You discover who your real friends are. Your place starts to look and feel more like your own. Making your bed and keeping up with laundry and vaccuming are considered successes. Sure, there's still ghosts and bouts of loneliness, but you deal with it. Crying is far less frequent.

Months 13-18: Dating is hit or miss. Likely, you aren't ready, but sex allows you to feel alive and dare I say, wanted. The pain from your losses is still depressing, but it feels more like a dull ache in your chest rather than the blunt axe to the forehead you experienced a year ago.

I'm in month 20 now. Acceptance has shown me where I went wrong and what I can do to be a better man for myself. I focus on being a positive influence and guide for the kids. My finances are taking shape. Despite everything, I seem to actually have more money.

Though I still think of my ex frequently, I now see quite clearly how I was mistreated at times, and the things I put up with to be loved resulted in losing myself in that quest. I have boundaries now where none existed before. I try to enforce them without coming across as a woman hating AH because I enjoy a female company like the next guy. But I know now what I won't tolerate.

Hope this outline didn't suck, OP. But you deserve an honest assessment. This sub is really good. Life is different, but not necessarily worse. I have myself back, at least. And you'll get yourself back, too. Remember - you don't want what doesn't want you.

Fantastic-Demand-171 · 2026-02-07T18:56:21+00:00

For me around a year

Boglehead101 · 2026-02-07T15:29:04+00:00

For me it took a month or so, then it returned in waves. A year later I’m back to normal and never, ever think of her.

I might add I started dating at the 12 month mark and met an amazing woman early. She seems to really care without love bombing me.

Always-tolkein · 2026-02-07T14:01:22+00:00

I’m having this feeling right now. And it’s not even been a week since she told me she wants the divorce. I can’t eat or drink because my stomach is so knotted it just feels full. I’ve gone from 169-160 in a matter of 4 days.

Tvelt17 · 2026-02-07T14:01:05+00:00

For me it was about 6 weeks of constant and then on and off again for like 4 months after that.

Therapy helped - the same places that do marriage counseling can help you get over your marriage.

Getting settled in a new routine helped, too. I got back into playing guitar, joined an indoor soccer league, and pro wrestling was on most nights of the week. I tried to always have something to look forward to, even if it was just Raw or Smackdown. Went to a lot of concerts that summer.

Eventually, the work pays off, but you have to do the work.

Chemical-Eye-1828 · 2026-02-07T13:11:19+00:00

I feel for you. It really sucks right now but it’s not impossible for you to get through this. It will be difficult and take a lot of work on your part. Firstly own your part in all of this. How did you show up and what did you do to contribute to this situation. Then do a deep dive on your own goals and aspirations. What type of person are you and what do you want next? Use this time as a catalyst for self transformation. I’m confident that you like me will begin to grow stronger and become a better man after all of this. It can get better depending upon your actions going forward.

Best of luck with your journey to a better future

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-02-07T13:04:50+00:00

I feel your pain, It’s a roller coaster for me. I’m four months in and just can’t get in a new routine. I constantly worry about the kids and their schedule and can’t break free for myself. Therapy, trying new things, this subreddit is what’s helped me the most for help

TheConjugalVisit · 2026-02-07T12:46:35+00:00

I'm not sure, I just got so used to it that eventually I noticed it wasn't there.

Dirty_Lew · 2026-02-07T11:56:48+00:00

I’d recommend therapy and the gym. I moved out three months ago and am still very much struggling with it. I thought I was getting better a month ago , then some stuff came up and it hit me like a ton of bricks again, worse than when we first separated. It’s a rollercoaster for sure.

I’ve also been reading “When Things Fall Apart” which has been helpful for some perspective. It’s heavy with Buddhist principles and how to apply them to the chaos of life.

Title	How long?
Author	BootsKennedy
Upvotes	11
Comments	14
Date	February 7, 2026 11:36 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qyblz4/how_long/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-long.1572917 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572917

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