Need advice

HandsomeWithHorns · 2026-07-12T18:24:24+00:00

A nurse who cheated... Classic

Spared-No-Expense · 2026-07-10T23:31:15+00:00

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say there are 3 good reasons to get it if you can:

Having evidence was beneficial for me emotionally. It alleviates a lot of self blame. If I had not succeeded in getting my proof, I'd have ruminated far longer that I may have let the angelic mother of my children slip away. Knowing for a fact that she is a low value trashy woman is worth its weight in gold for personal recovery.
Letting her know I know.... haven't done it ...yet. Still figuring out the right way to do that to maximize impact. But I know that for the next 15 years I don't want her walking around with that smirk that she got away destroying our family in such a trashy manner, and got away with it. If and when I execute on this, the other benefit is that she now has to sit with the fact that I may or may not tell the children when they get older and it wouldn't be a he-said-she-said. Whether I do or do not, she can never know for certain. And that's a stress she will have to carry the next 15 years. Good. That's also leverage to encourage good behavior, or at least limit bad behavior. Guarantee she has been emboldened and feels untouchable if she cheated and got away with it. You having the proof in your hand may give a little pause over the next 15 years to her terrible co-parenting instincts.
If divorce is not yet finalized, if you have evidence of her shenanigans, that is leverage for her to do whatever it takes to not have her personal business and low value paraded in a court room. Her wanting to avoid public shame is leverage for better deals in negotiation.

cschoonmaker · 2026-07-10T18:37:58+00:00

If you're in a place where "No fault" divorce is the prevailing method, let it go. It doesn't serve a purpose except in your mind. IF you found out positively that she cheated it might let you feel better in your own head. And then you'll spend the next 13 years trying not to say something to your son about it.

And since you said you already signed the papers, if you were in a place where infidelity could be used in the proceedings to get a better deal, that ship has already sailed. You would have needed that before you finalized things.

UrAristotle · 2026-07-10T18:37:05+00:00

Walk away

It’s not going to feel the way you hope it will feel

This is from someone who is still battling plenty of resentment toward my ex. I don’t walk away for her or my kids’ benefit. It’s entirely because I know confrontation will not go the way I think it will and she is never going to take accountability for her decisions.

CommonBubba · 2026-07-10T17:59:27+00:00

LET
IT
GO!

Don’t let her have that control inIn your life going forward.

Any-Neat5158 · 2026-07-10T14:59:23+00:00

You are never going to get the closure you desire. And honestly you don't need it.

You ex wife is doing these things because honestly it's the only way that people can be absolutely evil and not have to feel bad about it. At some level, she may actually believe it's all your fault. It's easier for her to paint you the villian.

My STBXW told her affair partner I was a drunk, rotten to my kids, abusive to her.

In the last 10 years I've probably averaged... oh I don't know.... maybe 5 or 6 beers in the course of a month. Always socially, never drank at home. Never drank in front of the kids.

So much easier to justify her actions when she believes this shit. And much easier to get sympathy from others when she has them believing it too.

EmbarrassedAge7612 · 2026-07-10T13:58:00+00:00

Let it go. Make peace with things the way they are. Knowing just adds another layer of bitterness to everything. It also adds the pain of betrayal. I’ve been divorced from my ex for over 10 years and I still only see her as the cheater she was.

If you pursue finding out, be sure you are prepared for the worst possible answer. Hearing the words out loud is a punch in the gut.

digcycle · 2026-07-10T12:07:11+00:00

There is no closure with confrontation. She’ll only gaslight you and insult you to make herself feel better and justify her decisions. You won’t feel better and she also won’t feel better. You’ll never get the authentic reason or apology you want to have for your closure purposes. The best thing to do is write your confrontation letter and add all of feelings in there that you would have said if you were with her in person then just file it away in your computer as a draft word doc. That’s more powerful and therapeutic than what you proposed. That’s your truth. Good luck.

SeaweedWeird7705 · 2026-07-10T10:48:43+00:00

Walk away from that topic.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-07-10T10:10:49+00:00

If confrontation and conflict is the only way you can get over it because the curiosity and loose end is killing you - i guess you'll need to do it. But don't expect it to feel good and do expect it to be a topic of therapy for another few years. These things don't go well.

ciscokid12345 · 2026-07-10T05:52:37+00:00

So the trick here is that we do not need any woman’s validation to feel good about ourselves. Until you learn this you will never be happy.

Now go study “no more mr nice guy” and “codependent no more”.

Then go to an CoDA meeting. You cannot change other people, places, or things. Acceptance is the only way.

I used to be sick too… I spent 18 years trying to prove myself to my exwife and she always treated me like shit. She still does seven years later. Only thing is idgaf anymore. I am happy by myself. I feel pity for her as an imperfect human being who suffered a lot of childhood trauma and is stuck recreating it. I can create healthy boundaries now.

Seriously read the books and hit a meeting. It will change your life.

Significant_Koala_61 · 2026-07-10T05:06:57+00:00

Sorry to hear that bro, I would suggest listening to your therapist and then eventually all will be revealed anyway, hopefully by then you’ve moved on and don’t care

Title	Need advice
Author	divorceddad7272
Upvotes	1
Comments	12
Date	July 10, 2026 3:41 AM UTC (3 weeks ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1uscdjp/need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-advice.1584661 https://theredarchive.com/post/1584661

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