Feeling discouraged and restricted about hookup culture, I need advice...

indlife · 2015-07-01T21:08:15+00:00

I work on a college campus, so I see both the hookup side and the relationship side. The problem I see is that young women today want fun and excitement all the time. Pop culture tells young women that in order to have a life, then one must always be doing something: Beach trips, shopping, concerts, dining out, visits to parks, sporting events, attending social functions, going to bars, etc.. There are a lot of men who like this lifestyle as well, but I've always seen those constantly on the go type guys as the ones who lean much more on the side of hookup culture than looking for LTRs.

As such, if you want a good guy, you will likely need to find a guy who isn't as outgoing, who is OK with lots of dates and spending time just with you two together, etc.. This type of guy doesn't have to be a nerd, or even have horrible looks, but his lifestyle won't be as flashy as other types of guys. He might originally come across as beta, but fall somewhere between beta and alpha.

Start there and maybe you can find someone. Many of these more shy, introverted types (not horribly shy or introverted) won't necessarily be at the bars every weekend trying to find girls there. Many would rather use on-line or apps to try to find someone.

I have a female relative is almost 10 years older than you. I know she has had a hard time trying to find decent guys. She had the first serious bf in college but he broke up with her. I don't know about her private life after that, but after college she had a few serious relationships that she made public to the family. While she hit up the bars, she wasn't into the whole ONS/hookup scene. Doesn't mean it didn't happen a time or two, only that alcohol fueled fun is what is strongly pushed towards almost everyone anymore. I know one guy broke up with her and she broke up with one guy. She finally find a guy who seems decent enough. He is early 30s and ready to settle down. I hope it works out for the both of them. So long as you stay in shape and don't get too wild, even if you just engage in very short term relationships, it will likely work out for you in the end.

If you really want a serious, committed, monogamous LTR, start looking for the guys who aren't as outgoing. They might be the ones not approaching girls at the parties. They are likely just shy and likely would be better suited for relationships themselves than trying to desperately get one drunken hookup a year.

pcadrian · 2015-06-29T12:52:02+00:00

If you're in college, seek out grad students.

Littleknownfacts · 2015-06-29T12:41:38+00:00

My first piece of advice would be something outout of the main RP sub "don't give them a number". At least not until your in the relationship, if they ask deflect with something like " wouldn't you like to know" or "doesn't matter what I say, your just gonna multiply it by 3".

Secondly, are you behaving prudishly? Like are you getting offended whenever a sexual topic arises? Are you dressing nunly? Men want to know that you are as sexually attracted to them as they are to you. It's a fine line between seeming sexually interested and seeming slutty though, try to find that balance. Look at him with bedroom eyes, smack is ass when your out on a date. Be as physical as you can without sex. You have to let the guy know that you are indeed a sexual being with the will power to not have sex with just anyone. Otherwise what garentee does he have once he commits you won't just be having duty-startfish sex?

nomnompuffs · 2015-06-29T17:05:30+00:00

...In the end, he expressed his frustration at how I wouldn't just fuck him, said he didn't want a relationship, and left.

You just typed the answer to your own question: the man clearly acknowledged you as "shelf material" -- he put you on a "For later" shelf. He could see your clear message that you will accept only a proper relationship. So he moved on. That's a good thing.

See also here.

TempestTcup · 2015-06-29T12:02:18+00:00

I've been living in a big city for almost a year now

The single population in big cities are almost all very skewed towards being mostly female, and the type of female who moves to the big cities is looking for excitement. In addition, the males in those cities are generally relatively feminist and not the most masculine of men (in comparison to smaller cities where the men build things and can pull and replace car engines etc.), so if you do find a masculine man in a big city, he will have women throwing themselves at him.

The masculine man in a big city will have so many women to choose from that it is easy for them to spin plates and get ONS. Even the less masculine men have it easy on the sex front.

My suggestion to you is either to move to a smaller city or to lower your expectations. Of the two, moving to a smaller city where the hookup culture is not as prevalent would be your best bet.

Edited to add this handy dandy interactive singles map.

test_yourself · 2015-06-29T13:44:36+00:00

Are you fat? If you are, ignore everything else I have written and deal with that first.

Anyway, assuming you are in shape.

whenever I meet a guy, all they want is sex.
I get tons of positive attention from guys, but it's all purely sexual and superficial.

That isn't going to change. Ever. If I met you (and assuming you are attractive) all I would be thinking about is sex. I would use every manipulative power I have (and I have many) to get you into bed. With a short amount of time though, you could probably win me round to thinking more long term.

The only guys who will seem like they aren't interested in sex are the beta males you do not want to attract. What you have to do is position yourself as worthy of more than just sex. You aren't, realistically, going to be able to convince a guy to wait forever for sex, especially not a guy with options, ie the kind of man you want. However, you can aim for the right kind of man, and make him hold out for just long enough.

This man is:

Much older than you.
Has success and (enough) money
and so has had plenty of women in the past and is ready for a long term partner (even if he doesn't know it yet).

To get this kind of man you need to:
Insinuate that sex is available eventually by being sexual enough, and flirtatious.
Demonstrate your value over a hook up, with food you prepared yourself and other charms.
Be feminine, kind and supportive.
Importantly, though you need him to understand that sex will be available, and after a short while, you need to make sure he is sexually satisfied in other ways. You have to accept the reality of modern society. he won't wait for long with zero sexual satisfaction.

Where do you meet him?
Take a part time job somewhere with men like that (not behind a bar)
Take a course.
Start a hobby where these men hang out.

When I first met my GF. (she is 15 years younger than me) I was only interested in sex. I saw her as a conquest. She recognised this almost immediately. What did she do to win me over:

She focussed on my sexual satisfaction
She cooked (amazingly prepared food)
She was quiet, polite and asked few questions about my private life, basically just enough to let me know her long game was to make me quit other women and be with her. She let me know her long terms goals and values (never get fat, don't be an old bride, anti feminist, look after your man)
She was not overly emotional and was non-demanding, other than gentle reminders of her longer term aspirations.

Red-Zen · 2015-06-30T05:23:34+00:00

At risk of committing an Ad Hominem... You made a post 3 months ago about swinging. I would seriously doubt your sincerity about wanting to be in a committed, exclusive relationship given that.

I am thinking of strictly sleeping with other people, not actually dating other people.

Any man of substance is going to know about women's dualistic mating strategy, and that interest is going to be a giant red flag.

You can defend yourself all you want, but how do I, as a hypothetical man looking for a lifelong commitment, know that you wont change your mind about the CC again in 3 months? In 3 years?

Your post history also indicates that you are into BDSM. That community is crawling with older men that are desperately seeking a younger woman for commitment.

wantonton · 2015-06-29T23:36:05+00:00

You've received a lot of good advice, so I won't rehash it. I will add to it, though.

Don't focus on just one guy. Meet and casually date as many men, at one time, as you can. Don't hide this fact. Don't try to make these dates serious. Don't be physical with these men, beyond light kissing and touching (as soon as you break, or it even appears you've broken, this rule this won't work). Make it clear, more WILL happen if a relationship develops, i.e. commitment.

Instead of trying to focus everything on one guy and investing serious time and energy into him, try to cultivate a fun, along with feminine, persona. Be the girl who's up for activities. You want as many men as possible asking you out. Find a way to imply they aren't dates, but they could lead to dates. Don't let the men sink serious time and/or money into them or you. Make sure you protect your reputation at all times. Anyone who does, or might, imply anything happened that didn't, is immediately blacklisted and publicly called out.

The point is to gather as many candidates as possible. You may have to be the one who asks initially. Be very open about why: you are interested in a LTR; you are NOT a hook up, you are none-the-less fun; you have many other qualities; if nothing else, you are good feminine company for appropriate activities. Once you have a lot of guys' interests you may slowly, begin to whittle the numbers down to a few more serious relationships, and then winnow the numbers down again, repeating until you have found the guy you want or realize none of them are right and you start over.

Let the men come to you and compete with each other about who can lock you down into a relationship. This won't immediately get you the relationship you want (could still take years), but it will help to alleviate the issue through distraction, activity, meeting lots of new people and, hopefully, having lots of fun. It should, if done correctly and with commitment, provide you a pool of eligible and willing bachelors from which you can chose when you are ready and have found the right one.

neiti · 2015-06-30T08:54:25+00:00

You're blaming everything on "hookup culture". It could be just that you don't meet enough men who are interested in LTRs or you should just keep on working on yourself to become someone men want to keep. If a man doesn't see you as a potential girlfriend (=isn't attracted to you) you can work your butt off trying to be the perfect RPW around him and he still won't want to keep you around.

I'd also like to say that getting sexual attention from men doesn't mean you're particularly attractive, especially if they want nothing else from you. I've dedicated time on improving my looks and I now notice a change in how men behave towards me. I get more respect, almost zero crudeness and more men want to take me out on a date and get to know me instead of just trying to sleep with me. I used to think a little like you, but the truth is you can change how men see you. Not all men, but many men. All your problems aren't caused by " hookup culture ".

herewehoagain · 2015-06-30T01:42:32+00:00

Sorry I don't venture to the RPW side very much but I just have to say goodness do not worry about any of those three things. You're 19, not 35. To put it bluntly, you could lose your virginity within the hour, anytime day or night. Having a family will come when the time is right. Most girls don't even start realizing they need to hurry up and start a family for another 7 years.

I understand you're worried about being alone more than the actual act. What is important for you is just like the advice on the male side: get comfortable and happy with who you are and the rest will fall into place. Knowing yourself will make it so much easier to know what you want in a man. Don't be in such a rush for sex just because you think it's the only way to get boys' attention. Group events with both sexes can help you get exposure and see what different guys are about, individually.

Ghostjoke · 2015-06-30T06:51:16+00:00

Hookup culture is soulless and depressing, you're not alone.

SamGill · 2015-06-29T21:18:32+00:00

if you put out, remember that this will make you less desirable for a relationship...let the feminist argue otherwise, but that's just a redpill truth.

on the flip side if you're a guy it's very hard to get a girl to even notice you.

there are monumental externalities and inefficiencies in this market.

thenoseman · 2015-06-30T19:54:47+00:00

I just need help. I'm miserable where I am now. I have been trying so hard. I don't know what else I can do. I'm full of paranoid thoughts about dying a virgin, being alone when I'm 40, never having a family, etc.

You are 19. Life is long. Chances are you will end up getting what you crave.

As a man, let me tell you that "hookup culture" is indeed that: a cultural fad that is restricted to a certain age group (late teens to mid twenties), a certain shared context (college), and a certain mindset that exists in the US at the moment.

I was never interested in quick hookups or sex, even though I had the chance. I only had one girlfriend which I married after a couple of years.

There are a lot of other men who think like me.

But I also don't think that being more RPW-like is all that important here. Just choose your potential partners carefully, don't try to impress them with your "feminine qualities". If you want someone committed you need to find someone who won't bother too much with superficialities.

lisfb · 2015-07-03T14:25:36+00:00

I feel like most men in my age range/friend group (I'm 19) are immersed in the hookup culture. (…) whenever I meet a guy, all they want is sex. (…) I don't give them sex, but that causes them to leave.

You didn’t really talk about this in your op, but I’m curious about sort of timeline you follow with these guys and how your interactions (from initial meeting) generally go …how you filter the guys you meet, where do you meet, how long have you known them, how well do you know them, etc.).

Are you involved in any clubs or intramural sports at school? How about in your residence hall government? Do you volunteer, look for interesting ‘MeetUp’ type groups, take part in activities outside of your campus or go to events that aren’t necessarily targeting first year/second year undergrads as their core audience (if you’re looking for older/more serious men)?

Ideally, you’ll join in on activities that fit your own interests, but I suggest you don’t write off events that don’t catch your eye the first (or the second, maybe even the third time) you look at it, especially if you find yourself with a bit of free time and nothing to do. Attend such events and keep an open mind (both for the subject matter and for the people you meet/can strike up a conversation with).

(…) We had so many things in common - anime, gaming, books, fitness, art(...)he didn't want a relationship, and left. (…)

You listed things the two of you have in common, which is great…but I don’t those are necessarily enough to build an entire relationship off of, however - what do you actually like about him? What about his personality, temperament? What does he want out of life? Is he an idealistic dreamer, a deep thinker, an easygoing, laid back character who is able to remain unphased by life’s lemons? And whatever his ‘type’, how do you know (what has he done/what situations has he dealt with that led you to that conclusion)? What sort of things do you agree on and on what topics do you part (for the latter, how much dissention is okay by you and how much would need to be evident for you to consider it to be some sort of a dealbreaker)? Basically – how well do the two of you mesh when you take away the smaller stuff of tangible likes and dislikes? And, with all this said, do you believe he could ask and answer in the same way about you?

I've been craving a relationship like crazy, and I feel unfulfilled, lost, and unhappy. (…) I'm full of paranoid thoughts about dying a virgin, being alone when I'm 40, never having a family, et

I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself, right now. Why not get your mind off dating right now (there’s nothing wrong with taking a break from the dating game in order to recollect yourself ). Invest in yourself, return to old hobbies, try some new challenges, and focus on family/friends/your’s studies/etc. When you're feeling less overwhelmed, get a copy of The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle and give it a read (I'm thinking it may help you 'reset and refresh', before turning an eye towards dating again and, considering how you're feeling right now, I think that'd definitely be a good thing)!

itsnadya101 · 2015-06-30T06:25:07+00:00

Hey I'm 19 and you should totally check out some of my previous posts as I've addressed this issue.

It's good that you aren't giving up sex too easily but there's a fine line between being a slut and dressing attractively. What kind of clothes do you wear? How much do you curse? How do you carry yourself?

A guy will always see a woman as sex. That's just basic biology but there are ways to get around this. I personally would stop trying to date guys on campus and aim for guys who are atleast 25-30 and are interested in LTRs.

Most guys in college aren't going to want an LTR and if you're in uni versity in a big city, the chances decrease even more.

As for the virginity topic, how do you handle that topic? Do you tell them that you're a virgin when they ask or do you just tell them anyway? I don't think you have to mention this unless they specifically ask about it. Just focus on wanting an LTR. College guys are honestly kinda immature about the virginity topic and it's easy to get labeled off as a prude even though these weren't your intentions.

Also, to meet older guys, you might want to give online dating a shot even though it's not the best way to meet guys. Try volunteering and getting involved.

DaddyRollingStone · 2015-07-07T00:32:56+00:00

Not really sure how to put it other than, you're the kind of girl a man looks for when he's ready to settle down with a wife. And these days that's never for a lot of guys. My advice is to start going to church and church functions to meet people. From the male perspective, the women who are more involved in the Christian community seem to be of higher quality generally than the women who aren't (no offense if you aren't a Christian). You may experience that it's the same with men. I know of plenty Christian men, myself included, who would die to meet a woman like you.

I'm sure you don't need to hear this, but don't give up your values for anyone. You just have to stay positive you'll meet someone good for you and you'll both make each other very happy.

herewegoaga1n · 2015-06-30T00:26:19+00:00

I usually joke that they took all the good guys out back and shot them. Your best bet would be in the quagmire that is on-line dating. Extending your dating pool would give you better access to guys who aren't assholes...or at least hide it well enough. But looking for a faithful, long-term relationship in the 18-25yo age bracket is like looking for a glacier in the Sahara.

potterly · 2015-07-06T05:08:42+00:00

Thing is, men don't want to be your emotional tampon until you give them sex first. That being said.. I'll give you my experience.

When I was 19- it was the same for me (I'm only 22 now). But then came along a guy who (similar to your experiences) wanted sex. I didn't know at first. We'd been talking and texting for a couple of months.. And right when I expected him to ask me out... he asks for sex. I was straight up distraught. I didn't understand what was wrong with me and soon after cut him off. Few months later.. he got in contact with me again. Long story short. Been dating him since. So sex first, emotional tampon second.

It's hard because you want someone who'll respect you as a human.. but not beta. Guys suck at finding a happy medium. Even thought I gave you my experience, I wouldn't necessarily do it again. he just ended up falling in love. It wasn't guaranteed.

You don't have to hook up. You just need to swallow the red pill.

Title	Feeling discouraged and restricted about hookup culture, I need advice...
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	27
Comments	41
Date	June 29, 2015 7:52 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3bhlky/feeling_discouraged_and_restricted_about_hookup/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/feeling-discouraged-and-restricted-about-hookup.166338 https://theredarchive.com/post/166338

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