Seemingly alpha BF (23) turning beta as relationship progresses?

onacasserole · 2016-11-29T02:25:45+00:00

So, you're having mind blowing sex with a guy who used to be spinning plates and who now only wants to be with you? To me, his words and actions seem indicative of a man who is highly taken with you and wants you to feel comfortable and confident. Plus, you've only been together a few months. This behavior is not a bad thing at this point.

Now, if he's a complete pushover, get's lazy and soft, starts looking to you to make every decision, etc, begging for your approval, exhibiting feelings of jealousy, then I get it. But, as RPW states, the ideal partner for a LTR is not a pure 100% alpha, but a man with a mix of traits.

My Captain is excellent at making high level decisions. He's definitely the man in the relationship and I am definitely the traditional wife. He is happy to lead and I am happy to support him. That said, he buys me flowers on occasion, not only because it makes me happy but because it makes HIM feel good about providing. He is romantic in gesture and word, but not in a way that is weak and pandering.

Only you know what type of man you want, but just as you don't want a weak beta who needs you more than you need him, you don't want a pure alpha who leaves you guessing 24/7, stays out all night with other women, and never commits.

PinkTulipz · 2016-11-29T02:04:23+00:00

Those are normal honeymoon phase gestures. If that's something you'd be willing to break up over, then... I don't think he's the problem here.

If it makes you uncomfortable, be direct but polite about it. That's something you should practice with all types of relationships (friendship, work, family) to begin with.

Kara_El · 2016-11-29T06:57:09+00:00

"I'd love you even if you gained 50 pounds!"

"That's sweet, but I think we should encourage each other to be our best selves, so you really don't need to say that."

At the moment, you're that girl who only likes assholes. Having plates would've actually been a turnoff for me, when I met my fiance. I'd have seen that as a sign that he wasn't ready for something serious. I understand that many RPW's see this as evidence that he has a life and isn't desperately beta, but even given that, the fact that you're not attracted to a man with whom you have a committed relationship, essentially for being faithful, says you might not be ready for something serious.

As far as his kind and sweet gestures go, it seems from what you've said, that he's just trying to figure out your love language and discover the right way to appreciate you. I'd suggest you think hard about what you actually want right now. If it's a serious relationship with this man, then work on communicating what you need in a relationship as you also figure out what he needs.

Sunshine12e · 2016-11-29T04:46:31+00:00

Yes, you are wrong for not being appreciative. Perhaps you have some sort of issues and do not feel that you should be treated well.

TheLaughingRhino · 2016-11-30T04:32:35+00:00

Am I in the wrong for not being appreciative?

Used to work with a girl who was emotionally abused as a child. She was drawn to men who treated her very badly. This was "normal" Someone who treated her well would always throw her off, she would go out of her way to sabotage those relationships. The worse you treated her, the more she latched on and tried to win the approval of who was hurting her. She learned these lessons from her brutal father ( and some from her mother) and that was her "conditioning"

The "answer" is NOT TRYING to find ways to get this person to act differently to make you feel more comfortable. The answer is asking yourself what is it about you that makes you uncomfortable when someone appears to want to accept you and treat you well without condition. If this is the case, many people in life would give everything they owned to find a person who could and would accept them without condition.

This is where I think I find a lot of weariness in modern Western male/female relationships. When the woman has a problem, it's the guys "job" to do something to make a change. Whats to change here? Is he neglecting you? Is he treating you badly? Is he not trying? If you want to blame him and his "intensity" go ahead, but holding that "narrative" only will ensure that any guy who might treat you well without condition will have no chance to ever be in a relationship with you. Is that what you want?

I know a guy who was engaged. Told his girl he loved her every day. She told him once, no no, don't say that to me every day, it bothers me. He dumped her.

I dated a girl who was taking the Bar Exam, a lot of stress in her life at the time. During the time she was studying, I did most of the cooking, most of the errands, just tried to make it a bit easier for her to focus on doing well. Morning of the first day of the exam, I told her I was proud of her and wished her luck. Her response was " I don't need a damn pep talk " Snapped at me, was irritated, and left for the exam. Cooked her dinner that night. Said nothing. Was a three day exam. Just maintained my cool and composure. Stayed supportive in effort but simply said nothing to her. She came home from the last day of the exam and I was gone. Told her I wished her the best in all things moving forward.

Here's what she did not consider. I grew up with zero support from anyone regarding my education. It took a lot of push on my part to put myself in her shoes, be empathetic and consider how to be supportive. I didn't need that thrown in my face.

This guy, maybe he grew up with nothing, no one, and if so, showing his support and affection, it might actually be a challenge for him. Not because he's trying to win you over, but because he's trying to give you something he never had himself. To me, that's a real "gift"

Lesson I learned, never stay with a girl where I have to treat her badly just for her to find a way to be civil to me.

Asking someone to change for the crime of simply being kind, I'm not sure if that's more a statement of how much he is not loved, or how much you are not loved by yourself. He deserve better, you deserve better for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck. Happy holidays.

loneliness-inc · 2016-11-29T18:42:13+00:00

For example: when we first met he was very stoic, had plates, took care of himself and was dominant towards me.

Basically, you were attracted to him when he had many other options and couldn't care less about you. While this may be good strategy for a man who only wants sex, it is a terrible strategy for a LTR. It's a very bad foundation upon which to start a real relationship.

When a building is built upon a shaky foundation, it's only a matter of time before it crumbles.

As we became official his behavior became more about courting me, and he has become very affectionate, writing me love letters, buying me flowers, insisting on doing what I want all the time, catering to needs I haven't stated.

This is what he's supposed to do!

Here's a key difference between the culture at TRP and RPW. TRP is about male sexual strategy to the exclusion of all else. RPW is about female sexual strategy and how to make it work for both the man and the woman. Building a family is a huge part of the female imperative. A healthy family must include a healthy relationship between husband and wife. This means that there needs to be a perfect blend, a balance between needs and desires which may at times be opposing. In order to do so, you must rid yourself of impulses which are destructive to this union.

One such impulse is to be disgusted or turned off by gestures of love and romance. Being turned off by this will send him a message that you aren't really interested in a serious relationship with him. This isn't something you can't help. You can definitely work on yourself to allow yourself to appreciate his beta qualities as well. No marriage can survive with a pure alpha male. He has to have a mix between alpha and beta traits.

You need to differ to him as the captain. Make sure he knows that he's the leader. However, you also need to accept his acceptance and loving kindness.

And the gaining 50 lbs thing, don't try that at home. He's trying to express his undying acceptance of and commitment to you. Don't actually put it to the test.

Respectfully,

itchymuller · 2016-11-29T20:30:50+00:00

I am looking at the lake

rainyweathergirl · 2016-11-30T23:48:59+00:00

It seems to me like he's gotten comfortable enough to reveal his true colors. People don't 'change', you just get to know them better. It sounds to me like when you first met him he was putting up a front. This is who he really is.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2016-12-02T07:25:44+00:00

I heard the same thing from BF about the gaining weight bit. That means he likes your personality which is great! That doesn't mean he will want to fuck if you gained 50lbs. After some discussion I found out from my bf although he wouldn't stop loving me if I Get "fat", he wouldn't be as attracted. Since attraction is required for sex, and sex is required for relationships, its important to realize he might be making these romantic gestures but comfort and attraction still remain separate...

pewpsprinkler · 2016-12-02T17:48:00+00:00

After reading your edit, I don't think you addressed the root problem.

You need to confess your attraction to him as being tied to his being ALPHA and HIGH VALUE. His romantic gushing, particularly to excess, is a DLV.

Also, your problem is not that you won't "open up", it is that he is making big assumptions about what you SHOULD like, and he is wrong. He thinks that, as a woman, the way he is behaving now should be your dream come true. You need to set him straight.

Also, the deeper, darker reason you are getting turned off is that his current behavior makes him seem like a FRAUD to you. All that stoic plate spinning was all an act, and deep down he was just a lame guy keeping up appearances. Opening up? Yeah, he opened up, and showed you that deep down he is a loser who needs to work overtime kissing up to his girlfriend in order to keep her, since he knows you're actually too good for him.

It might not be true, but you are wired to think this way. You need to accept, embrace, and address it, and NOT by saying "I'm a bitch or a bad person to think this way."

plein_old · 2016-11-29T06:38:46+00:00

Is there any way to guide him

I advise subtle hints... see how that goes.

Then if that doesn't work, try making them less subtle.

perfect even if I gained 50 pounds

This reminds me of guys who literally and overtly want their wives to be fat and ugly, so as to feel more of a sense of ownership and control over them. It's like dragging another human being down into a pit of ugliness and despair, in the hope that somehow mutual happiness will be the eventual outcome.

doing what I want all the time

This can be a form of manipulation. Which is why it can feel creepy at times.

Anyway, really depends on how accurately you're seeing and describing the situation. If you're describing it accurately, then yes, it sounds a bit creepy. Maybe he'll outgrow it. Depends what other influences he has in his life, maybe.

Good luck!

JackGetsIt · 2016-11-29T13:49:56+00:00

Op please listen to the veteran posters on this one. Their spot on. You need to look inward a bit and think about why there's such a change in attraction. I've heard the phrase, "I feel like I should be grateful" multiple times. It almost always leads to bad relationship outcomes. You need to switch to a mindset of "I'm going to practice being grateful" and see what happens there.

Your flair also says. LDR. Could you expand? That could also be related to all this.

Toussant · 2016-11-29T18:56:23+00:00

If I may, since you mentioned plates, was it an open relationship at first? And do you find it less thrilling now that you have a monopoly on his love life, would prefer he have plates again?

MangoMangue · 2016-11-29T20:00:06+00:00

Sounds like you're in a perfect relationship to me. You scored a HMV alpha who is devoting attention and love to you; would you rather he go back to spinning plates and being emotionally distant?

Willow-girl · 2016-11-30T03:45:35+00:00

I'm wondering what your relationship with your dad was like. Was he someone you admired from afar? A manly man, but emotionally unavailable? Because I can see how that could set a girl up to desire a manly man but struggle with dealing with one who WAS emotionally available! (I think we're most comfortable with the dynamics we grew up with in our families of origin because they're so familiar. We know what to expect, and what's expected of us. And it can be hard to move outside of our comfort zones ...)

Of course, I could be totally off base here. Just a shot in the dark, really. :-)

remsleeper93 · 2016-11-29T01:42:12+00:00

He was probably a fake alpha. Sounds like he was faking it until he makes it. Love isn't real and there's no such thing as a perfect someone. Buying you flowers cmon, your dating a beta, sorry.

[deleted] · 2016-11-29T03:53:26+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Seemingly alpha BF (23) turning beta as relationship progresses?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	21
Comments	36
Date	November 29, 2016 1:35 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5ffs9p/seemingly_alpha_bf_23_turning_beta_as/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/seemingly-alpha-bf-23-turning-beta-as-relationship.167025 https://theredarchive.com/post/167025

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