Red pill or douche bag ?

mr_nate_ · 2015-07-18T16:56:46+00:00

Keep holding your frame bro, you've done good holding it this far. I know it took effort, but keep going. It's better to have a woman either see you as hot or cold rather than lukewarm. In the end, hold your frame, focus on self improvement, and make sure she doesn't go schizo and try to fuck you over or something.

RPSentinel · 2015-07-18T21:18:47+00:00

One rule of thumb that I live by is if given an opportunity to act or talk, I always choose action. Blue pill guys in particular have the mindset of talking everything out to reach a resolution in a relationship. Some things require a conversation for clarification. Most things, particularly when a boundary is crossed, do not. If you have a conversation with her you legitimise her view, and it becomes a matter of perspective. She feels entitled to disagree with you and it becomes about convincing. This is a terrible position to be in. Instead, understand that the matter is not up for discussion. You're not trying to convince her that she needs to respect you, or not talk down to you. You're letting her know, that is all. If you choose to mention it at all, you can mention it once, briefly and to the point (in private), letting her know that the behavior is unacceptable. There is no discussion there. If it comes up again, act. Mentioning it again or trying to make her understand will only work against you in that a. She understands there are no consequences, just more talk, and b. You've acknowledged her behavior and now she can disagree with you regarding that boundary - that's just like, your opinion man.

Like I said, act instead, and not only will she get the message, she'll think long and hard before thinking of pushing you again. Steer clear of "discussions" regarding things like this.

Oh, also - I disagree regarding the not caring what she says in private. That's how this stuff starts in the first place. There's certain things my girl never gets to say to me or call me, period. This happened a few weeks back where my girl called me something insulting(I can't recall what it was) three times that day. I could tell she meant it jokingly, which is why I let it slide the first two times. By the third time I changed my tone and let her know she would not be calling that anymore. "You're getting a little too comfortable if you think you can call me that, joking or otherwise. Cut it out." She's been good since.

I'd also like to mention that this approach might not be as effective if I didn't balance it out with the fact that the majority of the time I'm very easy going. Very few things get to me and most things slide. The sharp contrast adds weight to the times when a boundary is crossed and things need to become serious.

RealGucciSosa · 2015-07-18T18:42:44+00:00

Her being a 9 is precisely why she's an arrogant bitch. She's been surrounded by stepstools and yes-men her whole life. I can't fathom how you can LTR her. Demote to plate status or next.

You might be gorilla fucking her every night. But as far as the people who have seen you get shamed and mocked by a HB9, they probably think you're a simp. Its hurting your reputation. You should have broken up the moment she asked you to apologize.

abdada · 2015-07-18T16:37:36+00:00

I like to look at pre-Wall bitches as if they're retarded.

The next time she talks tough in public, pat her on the head and say "down, boy".

TA_2985_A6E1_9FC3 · 2015-07-18T19:12:53+00:00

9 notwithstanding, her mother disparages her father openly. Her mother has probably been doing this for years, so long infact, that the behavior has been transferred to the daughter and will be nearly permanent. It is that level of contempt that destroys relationships more effectively that any other cause.

Plate her if you want, but I'd leave this one alone completely. She will rag on you forever no matter what you do. It's not worth the hassle.

Whisper · 2015-07-18T20:21:54+00:00

I probably would have left already is she wasn't a 9

That's your problem. Your power in a relationship comes from your ability to walk away.

Soft next.

TheBadGod · 2015-07-18T17:16:50+00:00

Girls like that only seem to respond to a strong hand, as you may have noticed.

Yank the chain when she misbehaves. Girls with attitude can be fun, but she's got to know where her boundaries are.

NiceTryDisaster · 2015-07-18T20:14:51+00:00

At the end of the night she told me I should apologize...

I would dump her.

RPSentinel · 2015-07-18T20:50:56+00:00

There's some major red flags here. For whatever reason, you've allowed her to talk down enough to you (probably thinking it was playful) that she feels like she can walk over you. I don't like elevating her shitty behavior to a legitimate level by addressing her in front of others verbally. Instead, I prefer staring her down like a child with a cold and serious stare until the awkwardness becomes too much for her to handle and she backs down on the spot. Once she's come around and backpedals, in front of others, I pat her on the head, kiss her forehead, or perhaps squeeze her a little. This diffuses the tension I previously created, which subconsciously she's thankful for - this in turn makes her like you and appreciate you more - what with being the person who makes her feel safe and all (despite the fact that you escalated the tension to begin with).

If she blows me off, instead of responding appropriately, I let her know in a neutral voice that this conversation is done, and proceed to engage the other people present in a charming and easy going manner, as if nothing at all had happened. The conversation continues, the guests are thankful that I've moved things along and diffused the tension which I created, and she's effectively cut off from the conversation temporarily because you just stone walled her and she's internally fuming, thinking of ways to engage you. Unfortunately for her, that opportunity has passed. It's my frame, and she's cut from it now. That type of nonsense is cut out pretty quickly after that in future scenarios, since there's no way for her to win, and she either respects me more and gets in line or she turns on me in which case good riddance. Next.

reddit-junkie · 2015-07-18T16:40:21+00:00

She's a douche.

ActuallyARaptor · 2015-07-18T20:01:53+00:00

You held your frame entirely. She knew better than to talk to you like that. You said you had JUST told her not to be disrespectful in public yet the next day she goes and does this. This was eithet a shittily placed shit test, or a potential red flag. She still thinks she can control you. Hold frame and when you see her at work act unaffected. She's probably going to throw some shade your way but just remain stoic.

If she tries anything again you need to tell her in front of people not to talk to you like that. I don't know if she'll learn her lesson but the experience may leave her embarrassed enough to not dare her to try it again

Moldy_Gecko · 2015-07-18T16:54:26+00:00

You did fine. You used the blow up method which is used to strike down bitches and put them in their place. I'd suggest radio silence. Let her hamster spin. Do you have other plates for abundance mentality?

Tom_The_Human · 2015-07-18T17:03:02+00:00

I wouldn't have bothered with taking her aside. Instead, I would have just put her in her place then.

SilentDeadlyKiller · 2015-07-18T22:40:14+00:00

Keep holding frame. You're almost there, she'll break soon. You don't necessarily need to next her just yet, your LTR dynamic is never set in stone. Use this as an opportunity to increase your position of power in the relationship. Don't contact her, let her come back to you. A bit of dread game is appropriate here if you want to twist the knife.

intelcorei5 · 2015-07-18T22:54:13+00:00

I expected to come here saying, you're being a douchebag. But no, she's being way out of line. I think you're letting her off easy. And when you finally did stand up for yourself, she didn't know how to handle it.

You did well.

That said, you shouldn't date someone you work with, or work with someone you're dating. You will be seen as the bad guy if she raises your relationship problems with anyone in any official capacity.

InformalCriticism · 2015-07-18T23:03:51+00:00

Yeah, keeping frame seems to have been effective for you.

Only concern I have is that you're listening to what she's saying as though she was equal to you. I made this mistake last month, (after several months of taking the pill, mind you - I took the pill with massive success, and then I found someone I actually liked and lost all my training/experience - couldn't hold frame or initiate confidently), and finally a good RP friend of mine looked at the situation for me. He told me I put her on the pedestal which crushed my game. It wasn't easy, but I started shaping my frame and within a week started seeing her interest rise, (turns out she is the type to respond way better to neg'ing than anything else).

I see your situation as pre-pedestal; you're letting her affect you. And yeah, the "a" instead of the "e" means something in that word.

You need to frame that YOU are in HER head, not the other way around. As soon as you do that, you can have a more natural control.

This may sound like too much technicality, but I make the nuanced remarks, because it sounds like you absolutely DO NOT have an LTR on your hands. This is a volatile plate, and if you want to keep her, it's going to be work.

eREKTi0n · 2015-07-19T02:58:40+00:00

Hey OP!

I hope you see this, but have you considered that she might have escalated things because you broke her frame in front of a potential suitor? She might be mad because you cockblocked her by basically telling him that her pussy's worn.

thelotusknyte · 2015-07-18T19:53:36+00:00

Good job.

RVazzer · 2015-07-18T20:28:16+00:00

I appreciate everyone who took the time to read and share their words but the post has no notion of whether or not you would leave her if you were me. I'm asking if the situation was handled correctly and any input on the specific incident.

Phil_Dakuchi · 2015-07-18T20:32:43+00:00

Honestly dude, you're not in the wrong. However, I suggest you try to play it cool when she makes those comments because getting all defensive will make you look like a bitch (although in that situation about the pussy comment what you said gave me a laugh; and dont apologize because double standards are bs). The first chance you get when you're both alone just remind her you don't like that shit. If she keeps doing it man, fuckin dump her who gives a fuck if shes a 9. id rather have a nice GF than a bitch 9. If you dump her you will forever have one over her xD

cray-cray-cray · 2015-07-18T21:00:52+00:00

She told me in front of a coworker to suck a dick and I held frame until after work and told her she doesn't talk to me like that.

You gotta hold frame all the time, man... not just until after work.

she calls me over to say "hey you look miserable is your pussy ok?" To which I responded "yea is yours after last night?" To make her understand how it feels in a sense. She loses her shit comes up to me asking why they hell I would talk like that in front of somebody and gets all pissy.

Epic shit test fail, and you witnessed the result of that.

If she's a 9 as you say, then she gets hit on all of the time at work. The competition is always on your heels, and always will be. Not the worst thing in the world, but you have to deal. And maybe even worse, she knows you're not getting hit on every hour where you work.

[deleted] · 2015-07-19T00:15:20+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Psychedelic_Leg · 2015-07-19T01:14:05+00:00

lmao that was dope, i'm working on reaching the point where i can crack those kind of witty responses, i just think slow

whatgold · 2015-07-19T02:59:23+00:00

Broke a rule already, don't have intimate relations with coworkers.

SexistFlyingPig · 2015-07-19T05:52:31+00:00

Rock Steady. She was shitty, you called her on it. Your holding true is really important.

flying_cumshot · 2015-07-19T00:09:25+00:00

Good job. Don't back down. Keep that bitch in check.

himynamesdre · 2015-07-19T02:35:26+00:00

You are definitely not a douchebag. The girl is a douchebag (if the story isn't missing any details). Sounds like you did the right thing to me, you'd have more fun with a woman that is respectful towards you and your interests and is concerned with things other than herself and her ego. She might be nearly a dime, but she will lose face value over time. Without any other qualities, this depreciating asset does not seem to be worth the investment of your time and efforts.

Title	Red pill or douche bag ?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	38
Comments	55
Date	July 18, 2015 4:19 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3dqwm7/red_pill_or_douche_bag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/red-pill-or-douche-bag.189720 https://theredarchive.com/post/189720

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