(Daily) [UPDATE] The neverending narrative of the headstrong hamster

strategos_autokrator · 2014-12-12T13:52:46+00:00

My wife would also have these freakouts about calling me at work. Usually it was she wanted attention, and when I was busy, she would also say "what if it was an emergency?". What stopped this for me was to say in a cool tone: "Did you call emergency services?" End of problem. The key always is not to engage in her level of emotion or play her imaginary games of what if.

I would use limit email and txts to concrete logistics. Don't fight over those. It comes off very weak, and only invites MORE email and txt fights. This is particularly bad because over email it is harder to project your frame, the reader can put a whiney tone on your words. Saying you will be busy is acceptable because it is logistics, but give the least amount of details as possible. You aren't reporting to your parole officer. That thing at night where she just cracked open the pussy doors and closed them again quickly to see if she gets your attention is predictable. More games. You did the right thing by showing you don't care for them.

The response to her long email about wanting to talk could be listening to her ONLY if you think you can maintain frame and not apologize. I've done this successfully using the tactics from "WISN,IFG" called "Fogging" and "Negative Inquiry" to keep things on concrete issues until her argument just dissolves into thin air and she asks for sex. This requires a lot of frame, and it took me a lot of time to get to this right. But it works like a super-power when I get it right.

Alternatively, if you can't pull this off, then switch to an easier tactic called "Broken Record". You just keep saying every single time you won't talk about the bowl issue again. Like this "I understand you are upset, but I'm not going to discuss this again." and variations of that "I hear, but I want X". This forces her to try different tactics. She will become more and more frustrated, until by a process of elimination she engages with you in a satisfactory way, i.e. no more drama. You didn't make her do this, you didn't ask her to change. You just were clear what you wouldn't tolerate, and she decided to be nice to you.

Remember, she is starting to realize now that she needs your attention more than you need her pussy. Stay firm. Be nice, but stay focused. No bragging, no brown-beating, no resentment, no need to be a dick. In fact, the more happy you seem to be away from her pussy, the better this works. And when she does open her legs, be graceful like a polite caveman, and fuck her brains out.

And if she wants to talk about the issue again after sex, broken record that you don't care about stupid bowls, and give her a nice smile that shows you don't hold grudges. Follow with something playful.

Archwinger · 2014-12-12T13:42:01+00:00

The way things were was her thinking it's acceptable to be a bitch about washing a piece of tupperware and withholding sex to induce behavior she wants out of you. The way things were was only working for one of you.

This is your wife, not a plate, so it's okay to compromise a little and give her comfort. She needs to know that even though you're the man of the house and you don't tolerate bullshit, you still love her. She should understand your boundaries, with exceptional clarity, and respect your leadership, but as your wife, she shouldn't doubt your love.

Don't give her what she thinks she wants. Give her what she actually needs instead

[deleted] · 2014-12-12T16:38:35+00:00

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En_sigma · 2014-12-12T16:37:56+00:00

NAH. She wants the narrative. No way.

Pulling the moves and then shutting it down WILL NOT HAPPEN EVER AGAIN. That was dirty, underhanded and disrespectful. She'll get respect when she deserves respect.

As soon as you responded with email she says you have time to email. So it is time you stopped doing that. She is going to hammer away until you respond, be tougher, no matter what.

When she complains you are not responding, and then dumps all over you when you respond, it is time to respond less - why would any man want to respond when that is what he can expect? Live your life like you have an ex and a kid. Get used to that idea. If it changes, then yay for you, but if it does not, you live like you have a pain in the back ex who calls all the time but you do not respond.

The weekend is coming. Take the kid to a movie, Christmas shopping or just out, but spend time ALONE with your kid. DO NOT TAKE THE WINE CELLAR ALONG. Have fun, be the fun parent, but live like you two are divorced and her being respected will mean absolutely nothing.

EDIT: let me clarify and say that I am not advocating divorce here - but I think you are fooling yourself if you think this is small.

ProjectShamrock · 2014-12-12T16:22:06+00:00

You know, something that I've seen missing in what you've posted is communication on your part. Yes, radio silence is a useful and necessary thing, but if you look at your job as being a leader, you're not really communicating what the mission is to your family. Instead, what you're doing is being taken as "he doesn't care" or "he is being chicken and avoiding talking to me" which still puts the blame on you.

What I would suggest is to take the excellent advice from /u/strategos_autokrator and talk to her in person. Don't let it be an emotional discussion (maybe a little is ok on her part), don't let it turn into a rant. You control the conversation, bring up how you understand things are tougher for you both as new parents, and lay out some goals that you have for your family. Right now, in her eyes, you're adrift at sea. If you set some goals and let her have a glimpse of your vision, I think it will help her understand your position of leadership and how you're trying to bring stability and control to your lives.

newlifeasredpill · 2014-12-12T14:38:05+00:00

If I were you. I would come home and tell her to stay for the weekend and pull her in for a big kiss. "Surprised me last night when I was sleeping..cant keep your hands off me huh?

No mention of the fight. Let her vent and vent but there is no apology and no discussion of dishes or sex. Just amused mastery and act like she is a five year old girl who colored crayons on the wall.

Escalate into make up sex.

If she continues to pull the power play then you rinse repeat the attention withholding.

Because this is new she is fighting very hard. After some time when she sees this is real then she will learn that her behavior sucked and you are the magnanimous daddy who will forgive her WHEN She acts right

BooksofMagic · 2014-12-12T20:51:57+00:00

Sex is not how we will amend this situation. I would like to talk things out first. If I don't feel emotionally content and respected in this relationship then we are not ready to have sex. I am so hurt, by the way you handled things yesterday and do not feel respected in this relationship or that you want to make it better. If you want things to remain the way that they are, then let me know and I will head to my parents for the weekend. I can't bare living like this....

1) Translation: You're winning. Her hamster is in overdrive trying to figure out what is going on with you.

Now don't let her confuse you with a nice, heart to heart talk. It will end up being a blame game - first she will tell you how you are to blame for why things are the way they are now while you will fight hard to keep from becoming defensive in the face of it.

I would head this off at the pass, so to speak. Don't let her dictate when you will talk - you do that. Then when you do sit down, make it clear that, as far as you are concerned, there IS NO SITUATION, and the only thing you are willing to discuss is how disappointed you are in the fact that she is withholding sex for any reason at all, let alone because of some stupid dish forgotten on the counter, that, BTW, you wouldn't have thought twice about washing if positions were reversed. That is called a true partnership - both sides looking out for each other, not getting all pissy for little things that don't matter in the long run. Make it clear that you find that behavior extremely manipulative and you thought better of her than that.

Me being me, I would also be tempted to regurgitate that "Now I see YOUR true colors" line she spouted at you before back in her face again to sum it up, but then I'm far enough along to not care about the shit storm that it may start.

2) Cutting off all communication the way you have is the real issue she wants to talk about because it's driving her crazy. Personally, I think you are overdoing the no-contact thing you have going on during the day but I'm not in your shoes. I do ignore texts from my wife when I am busy, but I don't ignore her just for the sake of it. Remember in MMSL he makes it clear that while Alpha makes her wet, Beta makes her feel safe, and the combo of the two are what you need for good LTR's.

nopbeentheredonethat · 2014-12-12T13:43:56+00:00

Heard of this saying "Give a little take a little" Now it's time to have that discussion.

Don't make to much of it. Talk about boundary and respect. Stay calm and to the point. She made amend and realize that using sex in that way is a bad thing to do. Reward that with a kind gesture.

You went full radio silence on her and applied soft dread. Now she need some "comfort" It's a balancing act. Instead of an apology just said that this "silly" situation went overboard and that you should have handle it better.

Enjoy the make up sex.

BluepillProfessor · 2014-12-12T17:39:06+00:00

I find your use of sex as a bargaining chip very unattractive. If you think that the way you've been acting the past few days is acceptable, I'd rather spend my time productively and enjoyably."

Her response: "You are right...using sex as a bargaining tool is not the right approach, but having sex when feeling angry and annoyed is not the right approach either.

I don't think you show me much respect in this relationship. The way you have been talking to me and your inability to apologize has only made this situation worse. Also, I would NEVER not answer your call, if you called me a few times. You didn't have the decency to email me or text me telling me you couldn't talk. Better off you just ignored me."

I don't think total radio silence is the right approach. The captain has a duty to respond to the FO. What if it is an emergency? Somebody died or was injured and what not. Call 911 doesn't cover that. I think the radio silence is the emotionless response. You still have to take one of her calls and confirm it is more of the same (before coldly dismissing her). IMHO.

Perhaps you could apologize for that lapse and assure her it will not happen again while you are in charge, and then you can declare that is sufficient. You need to lead her away from this argument and evaluate her hamsturbation. Mine it for things you do need to change and build some rapport that way. Again, IMHO.

These emails are not Shit Tests, these are the clear screams of comfort tests. Take her in your arms and assure her it is going to be OK but tell her firmly that using sexual denial games like that are not going to be tolerated any longer.

If that is "the way we were" then you are golden. Use that. If not, then you need to point out you are NOT going back to "the way we were" because we are going to a better place.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T15:49:16+00:00

you've already received a number of responses, but I'll add mine.

First, you need to learn the difference between a shit test and a comfort test. She's throwing both. Address them both, but differently. you ignore/overcome the shit test, you reaffirm the comfort test. Many people will have a hard time rededicating to the relationship if they are fairly certain the other party is walking out the door (some will latch on with utmost desperation, the rest will try to be the first out the door.)

I think you are approaching this from the wrong mindset. You're clearly trying to win a power struggle. It shouldn't be. This isn't about her bending to you will. This is about your having a path from which you cannot veer.

If she want's to talk, let her talk. Understand, for yourself, it's not a discussion or negotiation. If your resolve can't sustain that it isn't worth her following. If she's right (see above about difference between shit and comfort tests, and it also has to do with what your path is, you are the leader, but not all knowing, if she's right your silly to ignore) fine, pull it into your frame. If she's not say you heard her and keep on your path.

If she's calling, take the damn call, then tell her what you expect from her, both for that day and generally. It is beta as fuck to make her guess what's expected because you're too damn pussy to risk a confrontation by telling her what's expected. what captain can't give clear direction?

The next time she brings up the apology just look at her calmly and hold. Do not say anything or do anything just hold. For women, talking means the facts have not been fixed, that why they talk, so that the facts can be decided after the correct emotional context has been established that will determine what the facts are. For women, facts are negotiable. that how you know whether to discuss or not. If she's trying to establish facts, you don't. If she's trying to share emotional needs, you listen. The facts regarding the apology are set. There is nothing to discuss. Do not leave, literally hold your ground.

Sex, it's how you validate your relationship. It is tied only to your appreciation and love for her and hers for you. Do not ever allow it to be tied to anything else. Mostly, do not ever allow it to be personal validation, it will make you needy. If she isn't interested invalidating the relationship you two have then a) you two have a bad relationship that needs to be fixed, or b) you have a bad wife that needs to be divorced.

vitriolicnaivety · 2014-12-14T17:03:05+00:00

Sooooo, what happened? Time for another daily update!

cdnz0mbie · 2014-12-17T18:40:04+00:00

"I can't do this with the way you've been treating me lately. I need to talk this thing out and figure out what's going on before I can get physical with you."

Treating you lately? I'm about to treat you like the drop dead sexy woman you are(with a shit eating grin), then proceed to fuck her silly, problem solved.

You had won, then she threw once last wild swing, this was another small shit test before she gave up the almighty puss and unfortunately you failed imo. It's good that you didn't entertain the argument but she clearly got to you emotionally. Agree, and amplify, amused mastery etc etc.

GentleGiant350 · 2014-12-29T23:56:12+00:00

Maintain frame. SHE is disrespecting YOU, not the other way around. Demanding an apology for a dirty container? Fuck that noise.

Have you attempted to express to her how silly you find all of this?

[deleted] · 2014-12-12T14:45:06+00:00

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wombatinaburrow · 2014-12-13T15:05:58+00:00

So if your child had a febrile convulsion and she called 911 and didn't tell you, you'd be cool with that? Because that is what you're telling her you want her to do. What you're doing isn't being strong, it's weak, avoidant tactics that will only increase her escalating the situation.

Also; she needs to be throughly checked out for PND. You being an unsupportive child is going to drive her and your daughter away.

Title	(Daily) [UPDATE] The neverending narrative of the headstrong hamster
Author	ecofriendlythrowaway
Upvotes	18
Comments	89
Date	December 12, 2014 1:25 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2p2rnu/daily_update_the_neverending_narrative_of_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/daily-update-the-neverending-narrative-of-the.202823 https://theredarchive.com/post/202823

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