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Advice for this new situation?

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Red-PillNoob
October 6, 2018
11 upvotes
askMRP

So I started improving myself a few months ago.. cardio now weights in the past month. Dropped 25lbs since May. Also cut out emotional bullshit (whining to my wife, sucking up when she’s mad, etc). Realized I don’t need her in my life (sure I love her but don’t need her for my happiness). Everything was improving. She seemed happier and I was happier. Was beta for over a decade so this is very new and I’m taking it slow.

I showed her the results of my weight on Wednesday and that I hadn’t been this skinny (still fat at 220 and 6’ 2”) since high school. At this point things started going downhill. She was mad that I was later Thursday night than usual because of an appointment she knew about. I just said yeah I was and moved on. Yesterday she had a Dr appointment so I was going to get the kids ready and she starts giving me step by step instructions. I told her I know what I need to do and don’t need to be instructed like a child.

Since then she’s been very distant - cold shoulder, near silent treatment,,”don’t touch me”. Yesterday I STFU and ignored it just went about my day. No emotional reactions, stayed positive, lifted, rode the exercise bike hard for 30 minutes, took care of the kids, etc. she’s still acting pissed and I feel it’s almost getting worse. Last night we were watching a movie with the kids and I was talking to my daughter. She told everyone to shut up, I whispered my last sentence I was half way through and she got kissed and left the room. One of the stupid shit I’ve tolerated is when she gets really mad she’ll take her wedding ring off. I fear that’s next despite me doing nothing (that I can see at least) to escalate this.

What’s your advice here? I’m way too early in for any thoughts of divorce. Is this a massive shit test already? It is causing me stress but I’m taking that out on exercise and keeping busy. How long could I expect this to go on for?


Post Information
Title Advice for this new situation?
Author Red-PillNoob
Upvotes 11
Comments 37
Date 06 October 2018 12:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203931
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9lvp60/advice_for_this_new_situation/
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betashit test
Comments

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret14 points15 points  (8 children) | Copy

I showed her the results of my weight on Wednesday and that I hadn’t been this skinny (still fat at 220 and 6’ 2”) since high school. At this point things started going downhill.

Still seeking validation from your wife.

She told everyone to shut up, I whispered my last sentence I was half way through and she got kissed and left the room.

Call her out for her inappropriate shitty behavior.

My advice is this is a big shit test due to power dynamics changing. Reset every day. Keep your boundaries. Push pull. Don't be stupid.

And stop fearing about the wedding ring. Who is the prize here.

[–]Red-PillNoob1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I suppose I was expecting validation on that - good point and didn’t think of it that way. I was excited as hell about my progress.

I’ll add she recently had a friend who was cheated on when he went on a business trip and I’m headed for a quick trip in a few weeks that she learned about Wednesday as well.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Here's the thing about the ring.

She's taking the ring off to try to punish you, to get under your skin. Because it's important to you, she's going to try to use it to get to you, to have you give in to her frame.

I have a little toddler girl who is cute as a button (and with her attitude, I fear for her future boyfriends). When she is mad, she gets all pouty, turns her eyes and face down, and does this shrug of both her shoulders at the same time. When she does this, she gets the absolute opposite reaction she is hoping for from me (assuming I'm the cause of her distress). I bust out laughing and continue what I was doing.

Picture your wife the same way. You just can't treat her seriously if she's like that. Oldest teenager in the house... hell, sometimes it's the oldest toddler in the house.

And believe me, I get it. Rings are symbols. Symbols of a promise. A sacred promise. A promise that you and her made in front of the community that you would have and hold. And for her to casually toss that aside, well, that's bullshit. How DARE she, right?

In my misgyonic opinion, these sorts of promises are more important to men then women. Add on hypergamy and intersexual dynamics, and you get AWALT. Again, it's a spectrum, but yeah. You have to factor that into this situation.

Try to give less fucks. She doesn't care. It's important that you do, but don't care as much. Rather, look at her actions. Actions speak louder than words.

[–]Red-PillNoob2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wow this hits home and makes perfect sense. Thanks. She’s stopped being a bitch after I told her to get in the car we were going to grab lunch out. Still was pissy for ten minutes but was then fine like nothing happened. Crazy how true all this stuff is.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ll add she recently had a friend who was cheated on when he went on a business trip and I’m headed for a quick trip in a few weeks that she learned about Wednesday as well.

And?

You mentioning this because you think it should spur some mate retention out of her or because you're worried about her insecurity?

You see how both of those things are something to ngaf about?

SpPoiLerS

1st is a covert contract builder 2nd is building her frame for her "I shouldn't do x because it really will send the wrong message"

[–]JudgeDoom693 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I suppose I was expecting validation on that

You are getting in shape for yourself, not to get praise from "mommy". She knows you're looking better whether she says so or not.

The next time she makes a big fuss about taking her ring off, do not react. Just quietly slip your ring into your pocket as well. This will demonstrate her ring trick has no power over you.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Here's the problem - too many of these fucks are trying to play games and be sneaky about it, while being 100% transparent. This is why no one gives a fuck.

This is a pure attempt at shitty manipulation and is going to bite OP in the ass. OP has no congruence - so everything he does is bullshit anyway.

Even your advice, while well intentioned, if OP implemented, would be 100% crap because it's a weak attempt at some powerplay he doesn't have the fortitude to see through. If he had the fortitude, he wouldn't need to do it anyway. And that's always the catch 22.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Whelp, deleted post faggotry.

Good thing I write mostly for myself.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Was on a road trip, so didn't get to respond, but yes, I agree with you on this - because of this line: If he had the fortitude, he wouldn't need to do it anyway. Change fortitude to frame, and there you go.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

She told everyone to shut up

This is where you calmly get up and ask your wife to join you in another room away from kids. Insist it is urgent and that you just need to tell her something. This is not a discussion. When she joins you, sit her down like the child she is. Look her straight in the eyes and say something like:

"Although I don't know why, I understand you are upset and frustrated. Regardless of how you feel, you will not talk to me or our children that way. I don't know what kind of household you were raised in, but that behavior is unacceptable in my family."

End of talk. Walk away and go do something fun with the kid or whatever. This is how to set a boundary.

[–]lololasaurus4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This but only do this if you will follow through all the way.

If you think you're going to end up apologizing or DEERing for goodness sake don't make it worse by doing this.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Same with the wedding ring bullshit. I would laugh in her face and say "dont threaten me with a good time."

Unfortunately, until OP is ready to watch it all burn, hell still be working his ass off putting out fires.

[–]lionmenden5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Some people will say to ignore her. Don’t let her affect you. Bad advice. She’s acting like a child. Don’t whisper. Treat her like a child. Call her out and move on, same as you do a child. You don’t let a child act like that.

For the rings, if she were going to cheat she’d put them in her purse when she left, not walk around the house with then on the night stand. She’s trying to be a bitch to you. I would be totally over the top about how she lost them and you need to file an insurance claim and just make fun of her. If you can’t do this without appearing butthurt (you probably can’t) then just ignore it because this one doesn’t matter.

You have to not give a shit, which means not giving a shit about calling her out for being a bitch to you and the kids while also not giving a shit about taking off her rings. So you call one out and ignore one, both because you don’t give a shit.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Keep focused on the work @ hand and remember the go plan = the stay plan

Many come here, get to work and lose sight of one of the biggest detractors of the relationship and their fall from grace. It's fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of her taking off her wedding ring, fear of all the mundane child like reactions she is going to come up with next, to get you to get back into line, and most of you fall right into them hook, line and sinker. Get educated, seek the advice of an attorney, read many of the posts on post divorce, read many of the posts on going through the process. Most of all, stay true to what is really happening

the next time you lift, lift to absolute failure and see how many fucks you have about her taking off her rings, or your reaction to her telling you to be quiet

Men do, and they do not show results in writing, unless it to a superior. Is she yours ?

[–]Red-PillNoob1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Still working on the push pull. Trying to keep it light in the house, touch her ass, her back. She just says don’t touch me or get away at this point. I just smile and keep doing what I was. Any other tips here? You’re 100% right on the fear. It’s less but still there. Working on it. As I said I don’t think I’m even near far enough down this journey to think divorce but I’ve stopped being so scared of it... I need to eliminate that fear completely and am working to do that.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Still working on the push pull.

Cut the bullshit.

You can do 1 thing right or fail at 10 things like you're doing currently.

STFU. Go lift heavy. Come back in 3 months. Because this post, like your mindset, is lazy and weak.

Since you've said nothing about your lifting, I'm assuming it doesn't happen. So you're just a 220 pound fatass with a weak body and a weak mind.

What exactly were you expecting? To be treated with respect and decency? You're a fat bitch who acts like a fat bitch and thinks like a fat bitch. Why are you so surprised that you get treated like a fat bitch?

Boggles my mind the bullshit some men tell themselves.

Here's a tip - no matter what you might think of you winning, you will never win because your bullshit is so fucking transparent. Stop deluding yourself. It'll only do you harm.

When she goes to the lawyer and points out all the abuse (psychological and otherwise) she's endured over the past 3 months - you're fucked. And I guarantee you money you're going to cry like the little bitch you're pretending you're not to be. Because that's all I see here - a weak man's poor attempt at manipulation and control - you can tell because of the number of times "She" is the main actor.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're not understanding the power imbalance here. Rollo (I think) has a great post where he explores the phrase "whoever cares the least has the most power in a relationship". When you care more than she does about things, all she has to do is say "no" or withold whatever it is you're asking for. And she gets the upper hand. Now saying no is the easiest thing in the world for her, she's been doing it since she was a child. So she denies you your goal, she has the satisfaction of seeing you grovel, the gets the feeling of having all the power, and where are you? Frustrated and upset and bitchy. The problem is that you care too much about things. It's not a blame statement on you, it the way you've been conditioned all your life.

You value the ring as a symbol so much and need her to feel the same way. All she has to do is take it off to hurt you.

You value her approval of your weight loss so much, and need for her to appreciate it. All she has to do is deny you the approval to hurt you.

You value her affection so much and need her to always be happy and in a good mood for you. All she has to do is to give you the silent treatment for her to hurt you.

This right here is why DGAF and internal validation instead of external validation is one of the key points of unfucking your mental model. You have to stop being so invested in her and so needy of all those things. This isn't to say you're now an angry sperg-like robot who doesn't need nothing from no one and shouts FUCK THE WORLD from the rooftops. It means you have a healthy sense of self respect and if she decides to try to manipulate you by "punishing" you with the silent treatment or taking of her ring, you see right through it and start seeing her for what she is: either a manipulative child, or an emotionally manipulative personality type/disrespectful cunt who cares less about your relationship and you as a person than she does about being in control, being on top of the power dynamic, and putting you in your place.

Think about this dynamic and this context as you read the rest of the comments here.

[–]Red-PillNoob0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for your post. Really solid advice here. My frame is non existent and I’ve at least realized it. Time to do something about it. While I still have a fuck about the ring I didn’t let it show, grovel, even point it out and then magically it was on her finger again the next day.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Look at me mommy...

Still a fat fuck.

Stfu.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Holy fuck. Are all you guys going off the same template?

Was alpha.. became beta... now alpha again...

But I’m totally in my wife’s frame and miserable...

But IDGAF

Oh wait, I do GAF. Help me?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

You forgot the part where their wives are all 8 and 9s.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

He's a 9, and gives milk and plows the fields......

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

MRP Pleasantville.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

My wifes morbidly obese. Do I fit in?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That sucks jimmy. :(

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It’s just easier to dole out the same shit than think, or god forbid, admit the truth, embrace it, then move forward

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt....

[–]rockstarsheep1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Is she in shape?

[–]Red-PillNoob0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Yeah. She’s pretty good looking.

[–]DeeMooreDeeMarriet1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She ain't pretty she just looks that way. Sounds like a 1st class manipulator to me. Don't give in to the terrorist.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What does it really matter if she has her ring on or not? How does the presence of some metal trinket on her hand affect you in any way?

You're living in her frame. Step one to getting out of it is to stop giving a fuck about petty things like this.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Acta non verba.

[–]SuperCrazy070 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wow, you’re 100% in her frame.

When she takes off her ring at home, she’s trying to get a reaction of fear out of you. Who cares?

I haven’t worn my ring anywhere in almost 15 years. It’s not comfortable. My wife often doesn’t wear them around the house. It doesn’t mean anything.

Good job on the weight loss and lifting. Keep it up!



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