Advice for this new situation?

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-10-06T13:00:14+00:00

I showed her the results of my weight on Wednesday and that I hadn’t been this skinny (still fat at 220 and 6’ 2”) since high school. At this point things started going downhill.

Still seeking validation from your wife.

She told everyone to shut up, I whispered my last sentence I was half way through and she got kissed and left the room.

Call her out for her inappropriate shitty behavior.

My advice is this is a big shit test due to power dynamics changing. Reset every day. Keep your boundaries. Push pull. Don't be stupid.

And stop fearing about the wedding ring. Who is the prize here.

youscum · 2018-10-06T14:01:18+00:00

She told everyone to shut up

This is where you calmly get up and ask your wife to join you in another room away from kids. Insist it is urgent and that you just need to tell her something. This is not a discussion. When she joins you, sit her down like the child she is. Look her straight in the eyes and say something like:

"Although I don't know why, I understand you are upset and frustrated. Regardless of how you feel, you will not talk to me or our children that way. I don't know what kind of household you were raised in, but that behavior is unacceptable in my family."

End of talk. Walk away and go do something fun with the kid or whatever. This is how to set a boundary.

wildnight98 · 2018-10-06T17:30:53+00:00

You are at the stage, if you want to call it that, where you need to learn not to be afraid of your wife’s anger. My wife is a short 110-lb female and apart from sneaking up on me or attacking me in my sleep (both unlikely) she can’t hurt me. She certainly can’t hurt me with words or passive aggressive bullshit (like taking off her wedding ring, which mine tried once until I took mine off too, then she put hers back on and asked why I wasn’t wearing mine LOL) or pouting. Here are a couple tips to start you in the right direction:

Tips:.

If she says something bitchy (which is also likely a shit test), think of something funny—to you—to say back. You get more points for the less seriously you take whatever she said. For instance when she gave you step by step instructions, instead of being a bitch, you could have grinned and said, “sorry baby, could you repeat all that? I wasn’t listening.” Or when she said “don’t touch me,” you could have grinned and said “how about I don’t touch you anywhere but the boobs and ass?”
If she acts bitchy or passive-aggressive, get happy. This is your time to do whatever you want. Go to the gym, a movie you wanted to see, hang out with a friend. My wife asked me once, ONCE, “you never think about me. why didn’t you invite me to come along this morning when you went to XX.” I said, matter of factly, “because you have not been very nice and I don’t feel like hanging around with people who aren’t nice.” This also happened to be in front of the kids because that’s where she started it. She had no comeback. While it didn’t cure the passive aggressive shit it dramatically reduced it from that day forward, and she’s never asked me why I left her out of something again.
If she says something mean or disrespectful to you, DON’T RESPOND WITH YOUR FIRST IMPULSE. Repeat what she just said in your head in a Minnie Mouse voice. Then laugh and say something funny, or if you can’t think of something, just say “that’s hilarious baby. Great burn.”
Final tip. This is a big one. Learn to change the mental channel. All the time you spend thinking about her, about your resentments about her words or behavior, you are in her frame. When you catch yourself doing it, change the mental channel and think about something you -want- to think about. I.e., your lifts, your mobility exercises, what you just read in NMMNG etc.

You’ re on the right track and asking the right questions. Practice makes perfect, and don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Learn from your mistakes.

lionmenden · 2018-10-06T18:13:29+00:00

Some people will say to ignore her. Don’t let her affect you. Bad advice. She’s acting like a child. Don’t whisper. Treat her like a child. Call her out and move on, same as you do a child. You don’t let a child act like that.

For the rings, if she were going to cheat she’d put them in her purse when she left, not walk around the house with then on the night stand. She’s trying to be a bitch to you. I would be totally over the top about how she lost them and you need to file an insurance claim and just make fun of her. If you can’t do this without appearing butthurt (you probably can’t) then just ignore it because this one doesn’t matter.

You have to not give a shit, which means not giving a shit about calling her out for being a bitch to you and the kids while also not giving a shit about taking off her rings. So you call one out and ignore one, both because you don’t give a shit.

screechhater · 2018-10-06T13:20:15+00:00

Keep focused on the work @ hand and remember the go plan = the stay plan

Many come here, get to work and lose sight of one of the biggest detractors of the relationship and their fall from grace. It's fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of her taking off her wedding ring, fear of all the mundane child like reactions she is going to come up with next, to get you to get back into line, and most of you fall right into them hook, line and sinker. Get educated, seek the advice of an attorney, read many of the posts on post divorce, read many of the posts on going through the process. Most of all, stay true to what is really happening

the next time you lift, lift to absolute failure and see how many fucks you have about her taking off her rings, or your reaction to her telling you to be quiet

Men do, and they do not show results in writing, unless it to a superior. Is she yours ?

RedLiftingStraps · 2018-10-07T15:32:04+00:00

You're not understanding the power imbalance here. Rollo (I think) has a great post where he explores the phrase "whoever cares the least has the most power in a relationship". When you care more than she does about things, all she has to do is say "no" or withold whatever it is you're asking for. And she gets the upper hand. Now saying no is the easiest thing in the world for her, she's been doing it since she was a child. So she denies you your goal, she has the satisfaction of seeing you grovel, the gets the feeling of having all the power, and where are you? Frustrated and upset and bitchy. The problem is that you care too much about things. It's not a blame statement on you, it the way you've been conditioned all your life.

You value the ring as a symbol so much and need her to feel the same way. All she has to do is take it off to hurt you.

You value her approval of your weight loss so much, and need for her to appreciate it. All she has to do is deny you the approval to hurt you.

You value her affection so much and need her to always be happy and in a good mood for you. All she has to do is to give you the silent treatment for her to hurt you.

This right here is why DGAF and internal validation instead of external validation is one of the key points of unfucking your mental model. You have to stop being so invested in her and so needy of all those things. This isn't to say you're now an angry sperg-like robot who doesn't need nothing from no one and shouts FUCK THE WORLD from the rooftops. It means you have a healthy sense of self respect and if she decides to try to manipulate you by "punishing" you with the silent treatment or taking of her ring, you see right through it and start seeing her for what she is: either a manipulative child, or an emotionally manipulative personality type/disrespectful cunt who cares less about your relationship and you as a person than she does about being in control, being on top of the power dynamic, and putting you in your place.

Think about this dynamic and this context as you read the rest of the comments here.

MrChad_Thundercock · 2018-10-06T14:24:46+00:00

Look at me mommy...

Still a fat fuck.

Stfu.

BobbyPeru · 2018-10-06T16:08:01+00:00

Holy fuck. Are all you guys going off the same template?

Was alpha.. became beta... now alpha again...

But I’m totally in my wife’s frame and miserable...

But IDGAF

Oh wait, I do GAF. Help me?

rockstarsheep · 2018-10-06T13:13:39+00:00

Is she in shape?

RandomlyChosenTitle · 2018-10-06T15:41:15+00:00

What does it really matter if she has her ring on or not? How does the presence of some metal trinket on her hand affect you in any way?

You're living in her frame. Step one to getting out of it is to stop giving a fuck about petty things like this.

RedPill-BlackLotus · 2018-10-06T19:13:50+00:00

Acta non verba.

SuperCrazy07 · 2018-10-06T19:33:25+00:00

Wow, you’re 100% in her frame.

When she takes off her ring at home, she’s trying to get a reaction of fear out of you. Who cares?

I haven’t worn my ring anywhere in almost 15 years. It’s not comfortable. My wife often doesn’t wear them around the house. It doesn’t mean anything.

Good job on the weight loss and lifting. Keep it up!

Title	Advice for this new situation?
Author	Red-PillNoob
Upvotes	11
Comments	38
Date	October 6, 2018 12:49 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9lvp60/advice_for_this_new_situation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/advice-for-this-new-situation.203931 https://theredarchive.com/post/203931

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