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FR: My Return; Dread, Frame, and Amusement

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September 20, 2018
21 upvotes

Gents, First I want say thank you for all of the advice, name calling, and general support over the year. I have to say I can see the dividends paying but it's only the start. This will be a long review since my last post and there will be some questions sprinkled in.

The last update was that I returned from deployment to an empty rental house with nothing but dust bunnies. The first night I was back in town I wanted to see my daughter but I realized the road trip brain was a no go. Spent the first full day finding a place, a gym, and furnishing my citadel to say the least. It was interesting being a bachelor again but I was noticing IoIs from most of the girls that dealt with throughout the day. It is fun.

Reached out to the wife and I found myself first amused that she didn't have a plan which I pulled out of her for our return.I found myself developing the plan and instead of asking "Where do you want to meet" I was more leading and directing where we would meet before we picked my kid up from school. My focus was on my kid and I realized through this process that I have to be co-parent with the StBX.

We discussed the process forward in which I explained we will be separate and there is no "Honey, let me sleep in the guest room" or any of that. While we talking she must of realized that I was not considering going back.

It was a mixed bag of emotions but I held frame. Multiple times she would try to state something that was "I want this for the kid" when it was actually for her. I was amused by it and shut it down saying that would be discussed later (ie per legal document). We had an hour together before picking the kid up which I voice memo'd on my phone, which got some major points on record that we agreed with (I understand this could change).

We picked up my daughter and I was just focused on her and how I know moving forward I will be a better man and father for her. I feel an intense focus on our relationship that I know was lacking before I found the RP and the paradigm shifted.

After that we went to dinner and it was a nice hipster-esque place. I just loved on my daughter throughout the night and I had to say that when I left to go to the restroom she must have got jealous at our waitress who I caught glimpsing at me when I was walking past. It felt good. In seriousness I would say I'm a decent 8.5 and my wife was looking like a 6 because she didn't clean herself up or anything like that.

I really saw past that and I was amused by how I see her as a X-partner. If that makes sense. During the dinner, I held frame as she tested some boundaries trying to see if I was actually doing leaving which I am. I AA and AM multiple shit tests and everything that I was expecting to come my way.

After dinner we went back to "mommy's house" and we played with our daughter as a family. It was really fun time for my daughter and sadly it was something that we should have been doing before but we were both in two different places and I was not leading the family.

We had a fun time and I told the wife I was putting the kid down. I put her down and read her a book. In that moment there was a flash of "Let's work this out" and BP/cuckiness in my brain that was seeping through. I killed it and I went and focused on the moment with my daughter. It was definitely something that I would have used to dread because I was a little bitch not leading my family.

After the kid was down, I walked around the house and I could see there was a lot of work to be done. My StBX was looking like the weight was unbearable as it was a manageable project and she had chosen a decent house with good bones. She chose her actions and I wasn't going to shoulder any of it.

During this period, I noticed there was no attempt to victim puke, no "Take me back", no name calling, or anything that would make me ugly. It was flowing very well and it was most likely a shock to her system but I didn't care.

When I was about to leave, I could see that I needed to stroke her emotions a little bit. She looked like she realized that "Fuck, the RP broneilbro is what I created and it's what I want"

I could see the hamster spinning and spinning how to justify not taking me to bed. She went for a hug for a goodnight and she just held on. In that moment she realized the BP me was leaving and this new RP was moving on without her.

She started crying and in that moment I was torn between just leaving her there and being petty or just be that Oak tree. Since she is the mother of my child, and I am looking at the long game here I just held her and told her everything is new and the new paradigm is what it is. There was no "I'll be back" or "We will get back together" it was me driving again the fact that OP was moving on. She was shocked by this but then in a moment she was looking for a kiss that I just decided not to because I'm going somewhere else and her throwing pussy at me would be the save all.

She asked me "Do you want to stay the night?" and I replied with a look that stated that "No". I could see how she again realized that broneilbro was out the door.

I'll be truthful there was a glimpse of BP cuck that wanted me just to forget about everything that has transpired over the deployment. I wanted it to be comfortable again and I wanted us to be a family and live that Norman Rockwell life that everybody dreams about.

As a dim light RP started to shine and reminded me that the through the deployment I have personally grown, mentally, physically (she couldn't stop talking about my arms) and emotionally that I was not going to threaten that and revert back to my old ways.

I see her for the true person she is and I probably understand her musings better than her, but moving forward I know the delicacies in the relationships that we have but I will still be the first to file as I am meeting with potential lawyers this week to finalize it. It will best to file while things are cordial and still focused on the kid.

The road isn't done and will never be done. I am just saying that putting RP into practice is the key to actually making shit happen. Acta non Verba is my new motto and I am taking the actions that I need to live the life that I want. This is just getting fun...

TLDR: RP fucking works if you act...

Thanks again and please rip me where you see fit.


Post Information
Title FR: My Return; Dread, Frame, and Amusement
Author broneilbro
Upvotes 21
Comments 37
Date 20 September 2018 12:38 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204002
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9hexmv/fr_my_return_dread_frame_and_amusement/
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Comments

[–]JudgeDoom698 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Welcome back, and thank you for your service.

I would avoid going out to dinner with your STBX or hanging out at her place.

Keep communication to the bare minimum necessary for custody logistics and preferably in writing by text or email so there is a record of what was written.

In my phone, the contact name for my ex is DO NOT ANSWER, as a reminder not to pick up when she calls.

[–]2ndalRed Beret12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

Excellent introspection.

Funny how the old BP mentality so easily slides itself back into your frame. This is so, so hard for most men to resist. Deep down you want that comfort, you want things to be picturesque and warm. Who doesn't? But you know it's an illusion, it's never that way.

[–]broneilbro[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly. I think the biggest thing I have progressed in was my pushing out of my comfort zone and into new areas. I believe once you get comfortable being uncomfortable you have reached the new point.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

You often say how you "were amused" yet somehow I never believed it.

Strikes me that you're still somewhat buried deep within your wife's ass.

However...

In that moment there was a flash of "Let's work this out" and BP/cuckiness in my brain that was seeping through. I killed it...

Good. Keep killing it. You waiver between killer and week-kneed wannabe, so the more kills you get in, the better.

It was flowing very well and it was most likely a shock to her system but I didn't care.

Yah, you cared - but you were able to both (1) care and (2) do the right thing. You have butched up a bit.

She asked me "Do you want to stay the night?" and I replied with a look that stated that "No". I could see how she again realized that broneilbro was out the door.

Why didn't you actually say no?

I'll be truthful there was a glimpse of BP cuck that wanted me just to forget about everything that has transpired over the deployment.

That's quite obvious and has been for a while.

... broneilbro was out the door.

Good.

[–]becoming_alpha5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

So happy to hear about you spending quality time with your daughter after your long deployment. Keep that up.

After my wife falsely accused me of rape, we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. She started coming on to me more than she had in a decade and was dumbfounded when I turned her down (until she completely backed off and recanted on the rape allegation).

I think your STBX will ramp up significantly trying to keep you and literally throwing her pussy at you (much more explicitly than asking if you want to stay the night) especially once you file. I think you've developed the frame to handle that and make the right choices for yourself.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I loved reading this man! Solid ownership with the "not leading the family" and that royal stfu no look at the end was priceless.

This new you would be unrecognizable by the old you.

Elliot hulse has a cool saying.

"There is more to being strong than lifting heavy weights "

You gained a lot of strength.

Love your updates.

[–]Bedtimeshine4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Everytime you feel weak remember her playing family with another guy and YOUR kid.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

As a dim light RP started to shine and reminded me that the through the deployment I have personally grown, mentally, physically (she couldn't stop talking about my arms) and emotionally that I was not going to threaten that and revert back to my old ways.

Stands to applause....

Followed this closely. Fortunately this movie has the ending I wanted it to have. Power on Bro.

[–]broneilbro[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. I had been thinking about that day and preparing but I know my awareness is the best thing I moving forward and just bettering myself.

Right now I’m looking for a career that I can excel in and just focus on myself. I think the RP is going to bleed over but I’m excited and motivated for this next phase.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well done.

Now get to work.

[–]Walkebe2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

OP, does she know you know about Jodie?

[–]broneilbro[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Probably not, because I haven’t accused her directly but when I discussed “We don’t bring other people around our kid” she didn’t act surprise or defensive. She would have usually done this based off her MO.

Also BP would have been hounding and mate defending etc to the point and now I’m doing DGAF.

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I had a co-worker who married the same woman twice. Great guy, great kids.

His big mistake was letting marriage change him. Nowadays, he's spending a week every few months going on cross country rides, etc. Great guy.

I'm not saying you're him. I'm saying I knew a guy who married the same woman twice because he and his wife realized how they colossally fucked up their first shot.

The person writing this post and the person writing your first post are worlds apart.

[–]broneilbro[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree with that. If it was mutually separated that would have been possible but scorched earth while I’m gone shows how little intention she had of truly getting back together.

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

It took them a few years. Good luck to you.

[–]LaimbeerAdvocate3 points4 points  (18 children) | Copy

"what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?"

Great post, it sounds like you are in a really great place and have your shit on lockdown.

I'm a long time lurker and this is where i go off the philosophical deep end. If you are newly home, and newly red pilled, why not attempt to lead your ex. Perhaps damage done is irreparable and you've decided to be Single RP Broneilbro. But this is AskMRP afterall... and if AWALT and you were BPCuck before deployment, isn't her failure on your prior BP self. Don't you owe it to your self to see what your new RP self capable of now that you're home?

[–]broneilbro[S] 10 points11 points  (16 children) | Copy

I understand the point but when she zero’d our relationship and decided to have overnight camping trips with Jodie (read fuck) I decided that was dead. The issue that I have is that if I wasn’t deployed and found MRP it would be different but with that it’s a no go.

[–]innominating6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stay resolute. You made your decision. You control whether it is the right one.

[–]suprathepeg-1 points0 points  (13 children) | Copy

Here’s the truth and I know it’s hard because I struggle with this all the time.

She fucked Jodi because YOU weren’t her fantasy. She nuked things because YOU left her with a shitty vision of a future with you when you got back. You can’t own her decisions nor should you respond to them, you gotta own yours. Yea I’m preaching to myself here as well...

Certainly flying back into each other’s arms isn’t the correct move in the immediate future but you’re going to have to contend with some realities like: - You’ll always be married to her based on a mutual child. Nothing short of completely cutting yourself off from you kid will cut you off from the wife. This lasts till one of you three dies, same as marriage 1.0. - Your child is measurably better off in a nuclear family. No amount of effort on your part or hers will change this. Your divorce immediately stacks the odds against your child for the rest of its life. -when the wife remarries the odds stack more against the child. -if you remarry or have another child the odds stack against your current child.

The best option you have moving forward is to lead this relationship with your STBX as best you can. Always stay plan = go plan. The difference between you doing that as married or divorced is largely academic.

I think I’ve said this to you before but your most likely productive path is plate status for the STBX. Show your leadership and gauge her response. Continue to better yourself at all times. I’d probably keep from fucking her for a set minimum time like X months, you set this limit.

Often TRP is just hacking human sexual biology, MRP is hacking your biology and your mind.

[–]hack3geRed Beret5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

Your child is measurably better off in a nuclear family. No amount of effort on your part or hers will change this. Your divorce immediately stacks the odds against your child for the rest of its life. -when the wife remarries the odds stack more against the child. -if you remarry or have another child the odds stack against your current child.

You should consider where you are getting this message from? Feminist agenda to keep cucks in marriages for the sake of children? I used to think this way but not anymore. All children are better off with two happy, healthy parents regardless of whether you are a nuclear family or not - sometimes its not possible for people to be this way when they are together.

 

Now the rub here is each man needs to decide based on their own situation whether your wife could be a healthy parent on her own or you think she will fuck that up. I've read a fair amount of stories here about guys who stayed or are staying for their children because they couldn't trust their wives to supervise their children 50% of the time and no one can judge them for that.

 

It's clearly a heavy factor in the decision of many men here especially the newly unplugged but you need to get past a certain point before you can make the assessment of what you want from your own mental point of origin.

[–]suprathepeg4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

There are no guarantees in life and exceptions to every rule. Statistically children of intact families report being happier, have lower instances of trauma, crime etc. Children of step parents are much more likely to be physically, sexually and or emotionally abused. It’s not to say there aren’t exceptions but the odds begin to stack up the more fucked up things get.

This is why I say your best bet is to lead the family as best you can. Stay plan = go plan. Telling yourself your the exception and doing everything you can to live that out is good but it doesn’t free you from the odds nor does it free you from having to essentially apply MRP.

I’m hardly suggesting he return to a BP state, stay or go we all know that doesn’t work.

I am saying once you are divorced your ability to ensure Chad doesn’t fuck the ex and finger the kids while she’s asleep is greatly reduced. I’ve seen this first hand, the damage is severe. Again this isn’t to scare anyone into BP, just the opposite.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed - I only advocate the hard NEXT without putting in work if your wife is cheating otherwise stay plan / go plan makes sense in almost all cases.

 

But I also take the statistics and news stories with a grain of salt - its like googling medical symptoms half the time you end up thinking you have a brain tumor, cancer or your dick is going to fall off (fuck that one was scary). Traumatic cases / events always get more visibility because no one goes onto the internet and posts that they are much happier their parents got divorced because it stopped all the fighting and showed them what healthy endings looked like - those people are too busy living normal lives to even think about it.

 

The issue I take with some of this is mostly because of the mental models it creates and it blinds a man from making the right decision for himself. Its kind of like the guys who unplug and freak the fuck out that their wife is banging Chad in the bathroom at Starbucks on her lunch break even though there's zero red flags. Sure could it be happening of course but likely that is an exception not a rule.

 

Or perhaps maybe these messages are exactly what men need and that's why they have developed over the years in MRP - now you have got me thinking...

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am saying once you are divorced your ability to ensure Chad doesn’t fuck the ex and finger the kids while she’s asleep is greatly reduced.

His wife has shown that while they are married, Chad can still fuck the wife, and can finger the kids while OP is at work.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Melden. As a father, your daughter will model every meaningful relationship she ever has in her life after her relationship with you.....and she will look closely at how you allow her (and by extension, other women)
to treat you.

If you portray the perception that it's ok for the women in your life to shit in your cornflakes while continuing to eat from the bowl, she will do the same to every man she is ever involved with, and this will sabotage any possibility of her ever landing a man with any semblance of self-worth (and objective worth).

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

100% agree and this is exactly how I look at the situation - you definitely can do more harm than good by staying for the kids.

[–]oytrp2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Ignoring the past as BP man and moving forward as a RP man would be a contradiction.

He can't accept her back after crossing that boundary without consequence and still be RP.

[–]suprathepeg0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Why is that?

Any woman he fucks is pretty much guaranteed to have fucked someone in the past.

The basic premise of MRP as I understand it is that loser men ruin marriages so stop being a loser, fix yourself and chances are a better marriage should be the natural outcome.

[–]oytrp2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

She didn't just fuck someone in the past. She married a guy, had his child (presumably) and fucked another guy.

To take her back shows he can't enforce that boundary. Not being able to enforce a boundary shows you are weak.

Everything you said is true, but there are somethings there are just no coming back from. If she can get away with fucking another guy while he's deployed, play "house" with him, and even introducing him to their child, then what can't she get away with?

[–]suprathepeg2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I’m not disagreeing with the idea of boundaries. I’m just saying that boundary doesn’t help anyone 10 years from now when your daughter is a broken and messy puddle at your feet because Chad raped her regularly while he was with the STBX. I get that’s a bit extreme but it fuckin happens at far better than lottery odds. So for better or worse OP is faced with hard choices, as are all leaders.

There is a possibility that a well led, happy and successful family can be found on the other side of this hill.

I came to MRP ready to burn my marriage to the ground. Coming to terms with my own failures to date and how they sewered my marriage means I can’t judge the past outside of the context of my own failures. It also means I have to put in the time and work no matter what my wife has done.

Every choice has consequences.

[–]oytrp1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, a little extreme but I understand the thought process.

I think that's a legitimate choice to make, but if you go down that route she'll never see him as an alpha. He's a weak beta who took her back because he has no choice. Her actions have no consequences.

She'll ultimately cheat again and maybe this time she'll leave him for chad and you're in the situation you mentioned above anyway.

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The basic premise of MRP as I understand it is that loser men ruin marriages so stop being a loser, fix yourself and chances are a better marriage should be the natural outcome.

I think that your understanding is incorrect and/or incomplete. You are not mentioning the "If your wife is an unfixable whore, don't try to hang around like a cuck and fix her."

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I completely disagree based on my own personal experience. My daughter was seven years old when I divorced her mother. She went through an anger and rejection phase, but by the time she turned 11, things started to come around.

In the last 11 years I have missed one visitation with my children when I was out of the state on a trip. That kind of consistency and being there, has resulted in a very strong relationship with my daughter.

When statistics do not support my position, my mantra is to be the exception. My 17-year-old daughter seeks my attention almost every single day, we hang out together at least twice a week, there is absolutely nothing we cannot talk about, and as to being well developed and emotionally healthy, she is going to graduate high school with her associates degree and start a pre-law program as a junior at 18 years of age in college.

I did not give a fuck about the statistics that told me my kids weren’t going to turn out well. Aside from my daughter, I have a son who is entering the United States Army Rangers, and my other son is going to be a forensic scientist. I know why I got divorced, I know that it was the right thing to do, and my insistence on continuing to do the right thing, has paid off handsomely.

And I absolutely, unequivocally, deny that maintaining any kind of relationship with the ex-wife is necessary. I have said four words to my first wife in the last four years. And I have not been within 50 feet of her or seen her formerly in the last five years.

In my mind, she is dead. Call it a fantasy if you want. But she is not there to help me with anything, I solve all of my own problems and she does not exist on any level in my world. When my children talk about her and the crazy shit that she does, I simply acknowledge what they say and then move on and I don’t discuss it with them. Her mother is a fucking useless living piece of shit floating in the flotsam and jetsam of life.

So if she is dead to me, why would I ever talk to a dead person? Or expect anything from them?

This is a time when the OP can make his life exactly what he wants it to be, and he does not have to include her on any level, or in any way.

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't you owe it to your self to see what your new RP self capable of now that you're home?

Try this: "Don't you owe it to yourself to take your wife back, after she fucked some other dude?" or, "Don't you owe it to yourself to leave a whore wife?"



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