6'1", 220 Separated from ex wife 13 months ago. Dated several women since. Did all the reading and then some. Bench 230, deadlift 280, preacher barbell curl 90, etc.
I'm 4 months into a good, serious relationship with a great woman. 3 weeks ago her daughter passed away unexpectedly, while her and I were on holidays together. She was, of course, devastated. I comforted her as best I could, got her home, met her family, and became her rock for the next week as she worked through all the stuff that came at her. She was darn appreciative to have me during this and complimented me several times for just being there and being so stable. Not that I needed or cared about the compliment.
My woman is darn strong, but also stubborn. During this time she would ignore her feelings and tell people she was "fine", etc, when she clearly was not. I was the only one close enough to her to see it. Rightly or wrongly I gently called her on this behaviour and kept her focused on her own grief. Not my monkey, right ? I did it anyway, for her. The week went as well as can be expected.
The next week I had 2 weeks of holidays scheduled with my kids, far away from her. A memorial for her daughter was being planned for a few days after I was to get back. Her and I discussed this several times. She was fine with me going, she had it all under control, her family and friends were going to be there, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'd be back for the memorial. All was good.
So I went on the holiday. I checked in with her daily. Things were going well for her. On day 8 she started falling apart. I was a bit distracted with all the fun we were having on our holiday. On day 10 I got text messages and emails from her questioning if I loved her at all, she wasn't getting her needs met, etc. Classic comfort test, right ?
At this point I was a bit pissed, but shared almost none of it with her. I get providing comfort during times of grief. Truth be known, I was sympathy grieving too. But having to get her to stay focused on her grief rather than denying it wasn't my responsibility. And yet what would happen to her if I didn't ?
And the comfort test email really pissed me off. I knew when I left it was doubtful that she was going to keep it together without me. Yet she wouldn't friggin admit that she needed me. So what was I to do, follow her around like a lost puppy taking care of her ? Nope. I went on the holiday.
I called her and we briefly discussed the email. I immediately got her to focus on her needs and when she did, she broke down and said she needed me home ASAP.
So on day 11, I informed the kids I had to get back to her, packed everything up and came home to take care of her. For which she has been very appreciative. She is better now, but is going to need a lot of comfort and support going forward.
So... how do I handle all this ?
First off this woman has issues expressing needs and expects me to read her mind. This isn't the first time it has happened. I read between the lines while she was first grieving, but I am not going to do that long term. I can and have mostly broke her of this habit prior to this incident, but now it seems like she's regressed and I'm worried it is going to become entrenched while I provide comfort for the next while.
How do you "force" your FO to speak directly about her needs, or do you ? How would you handle this during a time of grieving ?
The next issue is that she keeps saying "you are so nice" and stuff like that when I comfort her. It makes my skin crawl. I am not "nice" to women. I treat her fairly. I have boundaries, I get respect, I get my needs met or I leave. Now she is getting this perception that I'm a nice guy. No More Mr. Nice Guy, right ? And yet in her state she needs a lot of comfort and so... play the role ? Obviously she has a lot on her mind since her daughter passed and hasn't been in the mood for a lot of sex. But there has been some hot and passionate sex none the less. So she still sees me as a man.
The third issue is the decrease in sex. I'm kind of OK with not having a lot of sex during this, but it triggers me. Because it feels like I'm back in a dead bedroom relationship. Supporting her, reading her feelings, providing all this comfort, toning things down and now the sex has dropped off to once a week or so. Part of me feels like a needy bitch that I need sex during this time. And yet she is sexy and I'm a man. I need sex daily. The night I came back from my holiday she said she couldn't be sexual right then but yet somehow SHE escalated things and had 3 orgasms that night and told me she loves it when I fuck her hard. I see that this was a feigned shit test. I feel good about that night but feel bad initiating anything further and haven't. Ignore what she says and look at her behaviour, right ?
Help me sort this all out.
TL;DR LT gf suffered tragic loss and needs a lot of comfort. I feel like I'm going beta when I provide it.
Edit: I'll update you guys as to how this all turns out.
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