When to apologize?

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-07-18T09:11:36+00:00

When you actually fucked up. And only you judge that, not her.

redwall92 · 2018-07-18T12:41:10+00:00

If it's shit, and if it's yours, own it.

If my wife is pressing me on something in a way that shows she wants me to back down or say 'I'm sorry' or change what I'm doing because she doesn't like it or like me or whatever ... this is my standard reply:

"When you say that, it sounds like you think I'm doing something wrong."

That statement lets her feelings run around a bit and normally shuts things down. That statement has NEVER resulted in an explanation from my wife showing me where I have been wrong. If I needed to own some shit, it was already clear if I've got my eyes open. That statement lets her say what she feels like saying about how she feels something is wrong without me taking ownership of her feelings.

youscum · 2018-07-18T13:32:31+00:00

Some fellow MRPers will say to never apologize, but I don't treat this shit as gospel. There are a few guys here that go hard in the paint with this redpill stuff, but have failed or failing marriages. So, obviously, pick and choose what works for you.

I don't think there is anything wrong with apologizing depending on the severity of the issue.

Minor fuck up: "Oops!"

Medium fuck up: "Shit, my mistake."

Major fuck up: "I'm sorry for ____."

SBIII · 2018-07-18T10:21:03+00:00

When do you apologize to your wife?

Go on - spit it out. What did you do?

Senor_Martillo · 2018-07-18T11:46:16+00:00

I apologize if I think I have been malicious or neglectful. Nothing else.

RedPillCoach · 2018-07-21T16:41:26+00:00

It is often fine to apologize for now she feels. I am sorry you feel that way. This lets her know you care and so on.

It is fine to apologize when you screw up. My wife wanted me to move a bed. I told her I would then forgot. She complained. I said sorry, about that. I will do it right now.

It is NOT fine to apologize for her carping and complaining or for "You statements" like you never....

Apologize for your broken promises but not her demands. It is about you and your standards not hers.

Fucty_Artsy · 2018-07-18T10:49:01+00:00

Apologize cincerely, then move on with your day.

helaughsinhidden · 2018-07-18T12:25:24+00:00

Don't do hypotheticals

DanceMonkeeDance · 2018-07-18T13:42:09+00:00

Early in my journey, u/rian_stone said that he would only say he's sorry if his actions resulted in the dog dying (I'm paraphrasing). At that point, I consciously stopped saying "I'm sorry".

Why? Because she just wants that in order to make her feel better. You can do better than that, though. Provide comfort when comfort is needed, tingles when tingles are needed.

If I have actually made a mistake, I don't say I'm sorry. I say something like, "it was wrong of me to sign our daughter's homework without actually checking it".

It is also important to only admit wrongdoing when you are actually wrong. If you wouldn't apologize to a stranger for it, there is no need to apologize to your wife. If she cooks you some crap, unhealthy food, you don't have to apologize for not eating it any more than you would apologize to a clerk in a convenience store for not buying more chips.

Ration your sorrys carefully.

adeptintact · 2018-07-29T01:42:36+00:00

I like to follow CH's commandment #8 with regards to apologies.

VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary

I usually just say "my bad" if I did something wrong, even for serious things. The thinking is the more you apologize, the more she will expect it, and your value will lower in her eyes.

Fritz_Frauenraub · 2018-07-18T10:37:44+00:00

For a while, my policy has been "only when I feel like I really, really fucked up"; but I'm starting to lean towards "never". There's just nothing to be gained from it. Put the psychic energy spent apologizing to work improving.

Title	When to apologize?
Author	AlexGreenleaf
Upvotes	3
Comments	17
Date	July 18, 2018 8:55 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8zts3j/when_to_apologize/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/when-to-apologize.204193 https://theredarchive.com/post/204193

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