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Wife has found my frame weakness

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December 29, 2017

Married 2 together 5 just had our first (13 weeks). I've been working on killing my nice guy and strengthening my frame but this persistent and nonstop shit test started about 2 weeks before Christmas and has picked up steam since.

So my job was going away without a doubt and I applied and got great offer for a job 1000 miles away but with the same employer. This was in May, she was about 3 months pregnant but the offer allowed her the chance to stay at home with some very very modest scarficies. She was all about it and encouraged me to jump on the offer and bragged to her family and coworkers how she would get to live the dream and be a kept woman.

We move, life happens, she starts complaining about being so far away from her mom after her and my families both failed to get their shit together enough to be there for the birth or even to visit.

I've tried logically explaining how it a not feasible to move back as there are no jobs in my field that pay enough and it's a dead area to raise a kid in, Appalachian coalfields. I've done all i can to save face, STFU/AM/AA but nothing has got her to drop it and accept it's not financially possible not to mention I have zero desire to ever come back.

She'd done nothing but shit talk the situation to her mom/aunts/female cousins. I've just gone broken record and told her it's not happening and it's not good for our son. Shes got one more time to threaten to leave before I get papers, I guess. I in no way can afford a divorce without it devastating my life, possibly leading me job impacts, plus putting my son in a shitty situation.

Im doing my best to lead and be the captain but seems she is trying to burn the boat for attention from her family in the form of pity. She seems hell bent in painting me as the bad guy holding her away from everyone.

Im out of ideas on how to handle this.

Post Information
Title Wife has found my frame weakness
Author fatguytough
Upvotes 8
Comments 34
Date 29 December 2017 02:52 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
frameshit test

[–]rocknrollchuck21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy

Whoa, slow down there Rambo. Take a deep breath and read this.

Give your wife some time to adjust here. She has no friends or family around after the birth, which is a huge deal for most women.

Then read this to help you get your mindset right so you can get your emotions under control.

[–]fatguytough2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn... on point

[–]ellifino7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

I’m generally new here, but I know enough of the ropes. You care too much about what your wife thinks. She doesn’t respect you in the least, but do you deserve to be respected?

I checked your post history and it looks like you’ve had weight problems in the past. Are you someone that’s worked on yourself enough to deserve respect? Have you worked your way from 400 down to 200 pounds, and jacked now? What kind of lifting are you doing? Do you turn heads for the right reasons or because you’re a size XXXXXL?

You haven’t mentioned what kind of reading you’ve been doing. You’re in some deep shit and going to need the help from some experts that understand and have written about the shit you’re dealing with.

You’ve got a kid. That makes this a million times worse. Your wife is unhappy? Who gives a shit? She’s got all sorts of hormones she’s getting rid of since the kid came out. She’s in a new location away from her family and has no friends. What exciting things have you gotten involved in with the new location? How are you leading her in a way to enjoy the changes? How have you encouraged her socially?

This is where DNGAF really applies. She’s shitting all over you to her family. DNGAF. She hates it there. DNGAF. STFU. Work on yourself. Lose weight, gain muscle, read, meet people, make friends, have fun with her. You can lead her, but you must be a leader. Be a worthy man that leads, not a drunk captain, that you’ve probably been.

The same shit thinking that got you into this mess is not going to get you out of it. Become a man with such a high value that she wants nothing else to stay with you in your new location. STFU with the divorce talk. You’re butthurt she’s bad mouthing you. DNGAF about that. Be a man, improve yourself with every book, every meal, every workout. Good luck, you’re gonna need it.

[–]fatguytough1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've fought my weight my entire life, and still am. Shes fat too but im not under any delusion that there wont be some guy with a slightly higher smv that may fuck her. Im working on me and really understand my need for more male companionship and a life separate from her to grow as a person. So far my direct co-workers are video game obsessed cucks that married the first lay they got. I know working on me personally and socially is the stay or go plan. Just trying to stay a bit longer for my son if possible.

[–]officerkondo3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ve fought my weight my entire life

If you had, you’d have been jacked before you met your wife. You haven’t fought your weight - you let it make you its bitch.

That said, start actually dropping fat. I prefer intermittent fasting but just find a non-retarded plan that you can follow consistently.

Not sure what you’re making now (can’t remember if you said and I’m on mobile) but if it’s $100k or more, you are in the top 12% of US men by income. Get in shape, and you’ll be even more rare. The rarer you get, the scarier it gets for Wife.

Do not tank your career for her (although I think you already got that).

[–]BobbyPeru5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've just gone broken record and told her it's not happening and it's not good for our son. Shes got one more time to threaten to leave before I get papers,

Right technique (broken record) wrong subject. You’re DEERing.

You’re broken record should be, “If you want out, the door is right there.”

BTW, I knew you were fat before I even read it in the comments. Lift, and get in the gym ... that will remove some of the fear. You’re scared to death of her and what she thinks.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You mean the user name didn't give it away? :-)

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't have kids, so I don't know what it's like to have a new baby, but I do know what it's like to move with your girl to a new place where you don't know anyone and her social circle has shrunk to just one person (you).

I'm sure it's difficult taking care of a new baby, and when women experience difficulty, they rely on their social network for help, and for validation that she is doing a good job. What is your social circle like in your new town? Does she have friends she can go out with? Do you have friends you can go out with and take her along, that will accept her and make her feel like she is a part of your group? A man alone in the woods can survive, a woman alone in the woods won't last long.

Check out this post by /u/archwinger on the importance of being socially active and cultivating a good social circle.

Whenever a new opportunity or a big change occurs, women always seem to imagine the best possible outcome, or expect you to be able to achieve that outcome. When I moved away with my girlfriend (prior to discovering the redpill), I could tell she had this fantasy that I would show up, conquer this new town and be getting invited out every weekend by my new group of cool friends that I suddenly became the defacto leader of. Needless to say that didn't happen, and it was mostly just her and I eating pizza and watching Netflix on weekends and she was miserable. It wasn't until I actually got out there and made friends that she could consider "in" with that she began to enjoy our new home.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Read WISNIFG and start setting boundaries. Take a look at your post and you tell us what boundary needs to be set first.


[–]fatguytough0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I do need to reread that. I need to set the boundary of our personal business being just that.

[–]SeamusAwl2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Seriously. You need to stop DEERing your wife. Her constant shit testing of you is her asking you “Are you my man?” And your DEERing is telling her “No, i am more of an emotional bitch than you”. She knows she has no support system of friends, she NEEDS you to be her rock. So stop being an emotional bitch. Let her be that.

[–]BostonBrakeJob3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

The best use I've found for logic is to figure out whether my wife and I are having a conversation, or if she's speaking in her native, womanese tongue. When air-tight logic fails, it's not a conversation. And any attempt to look at it as such is a step further into her frame.

So, what do you suppose she's really saying when "I want to move back" comes outta her mouth?

And, is "if she brings it up 1 more time I'm divorcing her ass" really the best position to be in as the Captain of the ship that is now anchored 1,000 miles away from everything familiar to you both?

Pull back, look at the bigger picture, figure out what she's really saying, and address that the way a Capt. would to his FO.

[–]fatguytough-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

She feels out of place and lonely on our new place. It's uncomfortable because she had more control due to dependence on her income to the house and leverage due to it. She has possible emotional issues (post partum) that i don't know how to lead her in finding help.

[–]BostonBrakeJob2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good. You've recognized that here, to me.

Now, are you showing her the same recognition, or are you trying to fix her feelz with logic? That's a loaded question, you don't have to answer.

She turned to her family because you failed to be present when she spewed her feels to you.

Now is not the time to try setting a boundry. You want your personal business to stay between the two of you? Then learn to interpret her womanese and be the oak when she's being a woman. She may not feel the need to talk about it with anyone else when you get to that point. Just be glad it was to her family and not Beta-Billy down the block this time. If, when you are consistently remaining present and unmoved during these feelz-pukes of hers, she is still telling her family about your relationship problems...then you can start thinking about setting a boundry.

Be her oak about this. Then, get her out of the house and show her a good time. Meet new people with her, introduce her to some coworkers and their families. Lead your guys' new life, the possibilities are endless man.

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

[–]BostonBrakeJob0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Do you happen to have a link to jackten's comment on what he called advanced fogging? OP seems to be pretty wordy with his wife, 10's example would be a perfect template for OP to use until he gets to a point where a confident smile and warm hug is all it takes to replace all those words.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

[–]IndependentKirk3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

A woman 3 months pregnant versus 12 weeks post-birth can be WORLDS apart in their mentality. Her entire support system has been removed and now she is stuck at home with a new baby every day. Does she have any friends? Do you attend a church? Does she have any social structure or support system at all? If not, then it can be incredibly daunting especially if the baby is anything but the perfect angel. Difficulty with breast feeding, sleep deprivation, feeling trapped, postpartum depression. All these things could be at play here.

If you're going to stay put, I would recommend start putting down some roots. Get some friends. Go to a local church. Something! This can be a difficult time for a woman. All those happy pregnancy hormones and post-delivery oxytocin are crashing and she's feeling terrible.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

It is not a fucking shit test you fat fuck. A shit test is something that a woman does to a man she finds vaguely attractive. No one finds your fat ass attractive. How about you lose 50lbs then revisit the issues.

[–]SeamusAwl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She is fat to. Just because an HB4 wouldnt find him attractive, doesnt mean his HB1 doesnt see his SMV higher than hers. And with her post pregnancy body, probably even lower SMV than before she started cooking the kid. So she would shit test him. There also had to have been some level of attraction between the two enough to hookup, marry, and have children. We are not talking about a 10+ year relationship so we can make the presumption that they were always fat together.

[–]darkscout591 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Married or divorced. The court won't let her move away. She can get her shit together and be a 1st officer or live in a row boat on her own near by. She can't go home unless she leaves the kid behind.

[–]officerkondo1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Ask my buddy whose wife divorced him and took both kids from Michigan to North Carolina.

[–]darkscout591 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Did he not have an attorney? Court order? Unless she had 100% custody it's likely not legal. Details please.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Each case is different, but in general terms you are right.

A friend of mine went machiavellian on his wife. Pissed her off to the point where she took the kids and left the state back home.

The day after she left he filed for divorce, told the courts she left not only the marital home, but the marital state. With no history of DA he had the kids back the next week via court order and she had no access to the kids for 6 months while the paperwork was done.

Not my kind of deal, but there is always an option if one wants.

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've tried logically explaining how it a not feasible to move back as there are no jobs in my field that pay enough

Framed yourself as a victim. She'll see it as a tragedy instead of an opportunity.

not to mention I have zero desire to ever come back

The reason that matters.

[–]Cre4tiveUserN4me1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

How often are you taking her out? Exploring the new town, finding social groups? Get her into a mother's group. Craft group, yoga, whatever.

Are you being awesome and giving her a reason to want to stay?

She needs bulk comfort and your giving her bulk dread.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like she needs to get a job.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

and ?

So, am I supposed to feel sorry for you since you are such a victim in this shitty life you live ?

[–]plein_old0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Have you tried being happy and joyful in spite of whatever your wife says?

Maybe she is feeding off your irritation, and expressing it as irrational complaints? Maybe she is picking up on your willingness to divorce her as a solution? Maybe the new child is making her feel anxious in ways she's not used to?

When people say "idgaf" what they mean is being happy and relaxed. You can listen to a loved one's irrational complaints, even daily for a few minutes, but you don't have to get butthurt about them unless you want to and think it will provide value to you and your family.

P.S. Do you have a man cave or a hobby or male friendships that you can take refuge in for a couple hours each week?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She was all about it and encouraged me to jump on the offer and bragged to her family and coworkers how she would get to live the dream and be a kept woman.

Did you take the job offer because YOU wanted it and YOU thought it was best for YOU and your family? Or because she wanted it?

We move, life happens, she starts complaining about being so far away from her mom after her and my families both failed to get their shit together enough to be there for the birth or even to visit.

This is a comfort test.

Shes got one more time to threaten to leave before I get papers, I guess.

Has she actually threatened to leave? Has she actually threatened to get a divorce? That is not a test. That is not a shit test or a comfort test. That is a statement that if x happens or does not happen, I will take y action. That isn't a test. That's a statement of intent.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Show weakness where you are strong, show strength where you are weak.

[–]zurgenfloggin-2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy

Listen, sometimes you figure out you chose poorly. I’d tell her clearly (perhaps you have), “I’m not ok with your behavior and if you are honest I think it’s because you are not happy. Perhaps we should just call it and split. You can find another guy. There are plenty of women for me. Listen, I’d like to make this work, but I have too much respect for myself to continue hearing the bullshit you keep saying. You’ve burned through my patience now.

If you want to make this work then I’m in. If I hear one more time xxxxxxxxx then you’ll get divorce papers. I’ll give you one day to answer me or I’ll make my decision without your input.”

[–]SeamusAwl4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Lets see. Relatively newly married, first kid just weeks old and moved far enough away that she no longer has a support system.

You have completely misread the situation. Telling her to shut up or go pound sand will just throw gasoline on the fire.

She is scared and lonely, has no support system. Her shit tests are just her crying out begging for him to be her man, her rock and safe harbour. When he fails them, she gets even more upset because she needs him to be her man. When he starts to own his shit, stops DEERing, and begins to show signs that he is not only willing, but fully capable of being what she needs. She will be fine. Giving her an ultimatum instead, just might nuke the marriage and he would have learned what?

[–]Senor_Martillo4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fully agree. My wife and I had both our kids 600 miles away from the nearest family. Absolutely crucial in this case to be the leader she needs right now. The following points are absolute musts in my mind if you want to stabilize your ship, captain: 1 - find some reliable childcare. Even if it's only for a couple days a week. Lots of daycares will take little babies 2 - hire a housekeeper. You're both working hard enough on life things, delegate some of that shit work. Fuck this might be even more important than daycare. 3 - get HER involved in some fitness activities too. Join a health club that has a weight room for you, and group fitness shit for her. Doesn't matter if it's spin, or Pilates, or Zumba or whatever. The basic act of getting moving and being around other women will take a ton of pressure off the whole "no support network" thing. Extra bonus if the place has daycare. She may even use it more. 4 - find some time for date nights. She's feeling fat and unlovable and like her youth is long gone. A nice dinner once a month will do wonders for her headspace. And unless you fuck it up, is an almost guaranteed non-starfish fuck every time.

Go forth and lead.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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