Newbie question: responding to requests for household help

BluepillProfessor · 2017-10-22T20:08:46+00:00

I'm clear on the fact that I shouldn't have responded that way.

I am not clear on that and neither are you. Reminding you of something that is your responsibility to do is something very different than nagging- just as doing what you are supposed to do is different than shirking your own responsibility. Which was it?

won't a massive fight immediately ensue

Only if you want to fight. She can complain, bitch, whine, and moan but only you can turn it into a "fight."

RuleZeroDAD · 2017-10-23T13:31:50+00:00

From one litigator to another, You're either full of shit, or begging to get sued (or fired) if your time management sucks this bad.

Why would you even leave the office? Nothing gets written well or quickly at home. Beyond that, I've beat up on the "reactive" personality for years in and out of the courtroom. If you're not pushing the agenda (discovery, motion practice, etc...) you are more likely to lose.

Same for your relationships. Your frame and goals should drive your personal agenda. You should be leading the family from a position of knowing everything that is going on (schedules, day-to-day) and in a position to delegate, instead of asking "how high?" when told to "jump" by your wife, clients, partners, etc...

You might make six figures, but your frame and general disposition are of a beta follower. You'll be dead of a heart attack before 60 if you continue to eat shit and ask for more, instead of asserting yourself.

hystericalbonding · 2017-10-22T20:23:34+00:00

One of the sidebar prerequisites is called *When I Say No I Feel Guilty.*

simbarlion · 2017-10-22T22:40:07+00:00

WN98,

Your other post referred to your wife being a high achieving corporate who spends her day supervising / bossing dudes around.

Well welcome home honey. Its her default behaviour, and I'm guessing that until she unwinds she does not think twice about telling you to do X task if:

a) it needs doing

b) she was going to do it

c) you were going to do it

d) no-one was going to do it

My point? Sounds like a task oriented manager who is constantly looking at the next thing to get done. Read up on boundaries and as you MRP-up she will respect you more and think twice about bothering you when you are busy.

For now, as the others have said, stay on top of shit, not to please her, because you OYS.

Neoduder · 2017-10-22T19:37:47+00:00

Did she have a better reason for not doing it? Like owning some of your other shit around the house? If not, shit test. Say "No, I'm busy".

wildnight98 · 2017-10-22T22:23:04+00:00

In this particular case, she didn't have a better reason for not doing it. It was more a "sharing the load" demand. I think she sat in the massage chair while I was getting them through the shower, ready for school tomorrow, etc. That sounds bad I guess. I often do get the kids ready for bed, no problem, was just busy that particular night.

drty_pr · 2017-10-23T10:41:27+00:00

Let's not be autistic here guys.

Sometimes, as when kids want to see dad before bed, its fine to just say sure and do it.

If wife asked me to pick up milk on way home, I would likely do it.

If we were both watching TV and she asked me to get Her a glass of water I'd ask if her legs are broken. If she started huffing and puffing than she is watching TV alone the rest of the evening

theoppositeopinion1 · 2017-10-23T20:50:50+00:00

If it was my wife: "Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'm in the middle of an important brief and I need you to take this one. Looks like I need to manage my time better on this case."

Result: she'll do it, be validated that she helped and brought it to your attention, but it's still framed as a fair leader who takes criticism well.

You start by admitting that you weren't/aren't owning your shit at home if she brought it up to you. You might not be ready to delegate, as the delegated need to trust the delegator, and you haven't earned it yet. You need to internalize that this conversation is not a shit test, it's a sign that you aren't leading your life as well as you should.

RealityTastesGreat · 2017-10-24T16:47:36+00:00

You already lost if you were unaware/clueless about the kids going to bed. A captain has situational awareness and would have already planned to himself or delegated the first mate to handle it. There's no way you can respond well having been caught clueless. Your wife could either nag you or resent you. In the big picture you should be able to say no to things but it won't work to say no just because you were caught unawares

Flagfootball99 · 2017-10-22T19:40:38+00:00

Since u r new to this, the correct response is actually no response was needed. You should have been Actively leading ur family at to that point.

If it was around bedtime and u knew u needed to work on ur briefing, u should have told ur kids to get ready to bed... Go brush ur teeth or take a bath, ill come tuck.u in in 15 minutes after i take out my work shit and get it organized. 15 min comes, go put them to bed. Easy. I do that all the time.

Yes, u were doing work and need to get it handled, but u were totally relying in ur wife to handle.up in bedtime.

Another option was.to say.to ur wife, i need to prepare.for my brief tomorrow i need u.to tuck kidos in, i already brushed their teeth. Thanks baby, ass slap, walk.away. Do ur work.

Title	Newbie question: responding to requests for household help
Author	wildnight98
Upvotes	2
Comments	40
Date	October 22, 2017 7:23 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/782bl1/newbie_question_responding_to_requests_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/newbie-question-responding-to-requests-for.205248 https://theredarchive.com/post/205248