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Am I just rooting through the trash?

Reddit View
March 22, 2017

It's been a year since I discovered my wife's messages -almost three years' worth of sporadic texting/emails to a superior. Nothing indicating an actual affair, but absolutely indicating an affinity/soft pursuit on her part. His responses...sterile/professional.

This is how I discovered hypergamy, MRP, dread, etc.

The ordeal woke me up considerably, and I've been able to clean up my act in numerous ways. I had been very dismissive of her, in many ways, over our 11-year marriage. I had fantasized about starting over many times, the two of us have four kids, so perhaps we both felt hemmed in/resigned.

Since the initial discovery, a lot has changed, and our sex life has increased dramatically over the past year. We have a lot of fun, with a big caveat:

I have to admit I live in a constant, nagging dread state, due to the erosion of security. She has unwittingly played the dread card on me, and it is this alone that has motivated me in this journey. I have no way of knowing if she's continued her behaviors (I suspect she has, to some extent).

Am I rooting through the trash, so to speak, with respect to this relationship? My red pill conversion is not sincere until I can somehow overcome this.

Bring on the tough talk. I require it.

Post Information
Title Am I just rooting through the trash?
Author KickerOfElves12
Upvotes 6
Comments 42
Date 22 March 2017 08:16 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
dread gamehypergamythe red pill

[–]trp_dude13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

I must quote u/jacktenofhearts (whom we miss dearly) who posted in in response to a guy like you:

your story isn't the case of the long-suffering beta bucks who served his wife hand and foot while she fucked a bunch of Chads and not him. You willingly admit you spent roughly 60% of your marriage as some combination of being an obese fatass, a drug-addicted loser, or both. Of the balance of your marriage, you were just college kids for half that time. So your wife has only gotten to experience approximately 16.6% of your marriage having an attractive and competence husband.

Anyway. I say this because I did fuck up my life similar to yours (although apparently I had more consistency among my prescription drug addictions) and my wife did have an emotional affair... and then we got divorced. The emotional affair was something of a catalyst, because I found out and confronted her and after some half-hearted denials, her response was essentially, can you blame me, you worthless piece of shit?

And I'm sure I responded with something other than "no," because that would have been the truth and I wasn't really big on the truth in those days.

But, come on. I've turned my life around, just like you did. So I want to tell you something you may have not heard very often. But this whole "life turnaround" thing you did, you don't get extra points for it. This may come as news to you, because our society loves giving drug-addicted losers who decided to stop being drug-addicted losers extra points. I remember watching the Home Run Derby in 2010 (EDIT: 2008) and tearing my hair out because of how much ball-washing Josh Hamilton was getting from the announcers, because he was "so brave" and "endured so much" in "fighting" his addiction, and he's a true fucking American Hero.

So, yeah, fucking your life up and then un-fucking it does seem to give you extra points from everyone... except for your loves ones, since they're the ones that had to endure your bullshit. My sister once told me, "you were a terrible person, and every day I had to decide whether I wanted to help a terrible person, or whether I wanted to watch my brother die."

By the end of 2014 my SMV was getting high and higher than hers. So, see, buddy, that's not how it works. It's great and all your family descended from their ivory tower to tell you to knock off the adderall-and-pot routine, and helping you get your shit together by paying for your Equinox personal trainer and law school tuition, but come on. You dragged your wife through some dark, depressing, shit, and so maybe you should realize there was going to be a cost to that, and that it wasn't just your subcutaneous layers of fat that were holding back her vagina from getting all hot and wet from you. How many times did your wife consider leaving you, and only stayed because of some combination of religious obligation and fearing that if she'd leave, she'd be the figurative nail in your literal coffin? Seriously, how many fucking times did she think about that over those years?

So, let's tie this all together.

Look, I want to suggest something to the RP community here. As far as I see it, AWALT is what we say when we hear yet another story about the long-suffering beta bucks guy who invests his entire life into his wife, always at the expense of himself, and ends up ditched and divorced anyway. But when some guy takes a literal shit on his wife, then finds his wife texting some guy, I really think it's overusing the principle when that guy says, "AWALT, huh? Just like a woman to branch swing to another guy the second her husband drops a few pounds of feces on her. That fucking slut."

If she wasn't going to divorce you, what was she supposed to do? Seriously? It was either divorce you and reckon with a failed marriage, fling herself off a bridge, or shut off all those thoughts by fantasizing about an alternate reality with PT Chad.

So I have one question for you. This was an AWALT lesson for me. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU NEED RED PILL TO EXPLAIN WHY SHE'D ACT THIS WAY?

But like I said, to call this an "AWALT lesson" is asinine to me. Look man, you can go ahead and insist her vagina should lubricate on demand now that you're a successful, high-powered, 500-lb dead-lifting attorney. You left out whether that was actually happened -- whether you're now satisfied with your sex life after your ultimatum -- but if it has, I will raise one last point. It occurred to me you could have left out the Year 0-8 part of your post, which I'm sure you were tempted to. Why didn't you? I suspect because you knew that context mattered, and without that context you'd just get the straightforward "fuck that ungrateful bitch" response from MRP.

So I suppose your true question is this: "does my past mean this typically unforgivable violation is, in fact, forgivable?"

Only you can answer this, but if I were you, I would spend a lot of time thinking about whether those were acceptable consequences for your own violations in your marriage, and maybe it's time to just bury this shit and move on.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great stuff, and the main thrust of it probably holds true for me, sans a few details. To this day, I can't get her to admit any dissatisfaction/unhappiness with the marriage. Complete denial.

I don't ask her anymore. It was probably a beta question to begin with.

[–]mrpthrowa1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What happened to that man?

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Your brain is full of trash. You keep dumpster diving back into your own insecurities.

Either accept what your wife did and work to move forward with your vision of the relationship. Or cut her loose and go your own way. Doing lap after lap over the past is a zero sum game.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I obviously opt for the latter option, though I feel like plate-spinning on the side might help my outlook. Working through some inertia in that area.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now ask yourself, are you a high enough value man where you could look at your wife and say, "You're not meeting my needs, if you don't improve in area xyz, I'll be getting these needs met elsewhere." If you don't think you could pull that scenario off, then keep working until you can before you pull the plate-spinning-while-married rip cord. Be Genghis Khan in your want more women then be awesome enough to have as many as you want without giving any fucks.

[–]creating_my_life6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

due to the erosion of security.

The security was never there. Now you're just aware of it.

our sex life has increased dramatically over the past year. We have a lot of fun

Are you getting what you want out of this marriage? EVERY other woman you date is going to have the same challenge. And know that you know about MRP you can't unsee it.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely can't unsee it. Blessing, and a curse. Seems to match my experience, however.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Completely disagree.

I don't think you are insecure. Your actions say you are angry. Angry enough to shrivel your dick. Angry enough to send you to MRP for help. Angry enough to often consider leaving the marriage.

You are distracting yourself from your own potential progress my puking about your "loss of security". Sadly, you are believing your own bullshit here.

Whining about the reality of woman's wiring is a useless waste of your energy. Underneath it all you are blaming her for your plight.

Come out of your own shadow and come into the light of reality. Let it warm you to the possibilities that you could not access before. Simply put, quit whining about and blaming your wife, and start working on you (more).

We've all been there, get over it. Best

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. Solid commentary.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I read through your responses. YOu are seriously hung up on the idea of plating other women.

You do you. No one here is going to give you permission. But let me tell you, I know.

I am cheating on my wife. After a year or more of red pill, hard work, I can tell you that you have to have solid frame in order to do it. You have to go the distance to absolutely guaran-fucking-tee you've done everything.

It isn't about just getting laid. That's easy. You are bringing another woman into your life, follow the TRP idea all you want. Call it plating, cheating, running around, whatever.

Fact is if you can't handle one you can't handle two....or even three. Getting a plate isn't your issue.

This is your issue

I have to admit I live in a constant, nagging dread state

You are stuck in her frame. YOu have none. YOu constantly think about her what she did. She dreaded you and it's all you can think about. You don't have the mindset, the cast iron frame to deal with having an affair. That much I can tell you.

But do you. Just don't come here looking for help and when you get oneitits there. IMO You still have a long way to go.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You really hit on something. I'm still totally in her frame, at least most of the time. In fact, it's probably frame (rather than abundance mentality) that represents my biggest deficit.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't actually want/need an affair. I need an abundance mentality. I need to outgrow this paranoia mentality.

[–]myrpjourney1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She is not yours; it's just your turn.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

My red pill conversion is not sincere until I can somehow overcome this.

No one is going to reach into your skull with some magic words that will make your change sincere.

Stop chasing the transcendance or whatever moronic idea it is you have. It doesn't work like that. Just do it. And keep on doing it. And keep on. You'll never be converted into some red pill butterfly who is always properly motivated to do the right thing. It's just you, handling your shit and giving fewer fucks.

Being courageous isn't about not being scared, it's about doing what you have to do anyway.

Let. It. Go. Your wife had the hots for her boss, boo hoo, dry your eyes and move on. Maybe you'll always be scared that she's going to cheat or leave you; tough shit, deal with it.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Maybe I'm just looking for the RP solution to this dilemma/mental bind. Maybe I'm looking for easy shortcuts. Maybe there are none.

Not sure how I let things on the homefront slip so badly. My career is almost as alpha as they come. I have abdicated too often to her over the past 11 years. I have to be done with that.

Your final line brings to mind the tenets of CL (Constructive Living):

Accept your feelings. Know your purpose. Do what needs to be done.

I should revisit that, with respect to this situation.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Your career is beta.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

She likes any opportunity to tell people what I do, however she demonstrates in other ways that she doesn't respect my career/hours/demands.

I guess we can call it beta.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Everyone's career is beta (maybe rockstars and top athletes are an exception). Making a fuckton of money is a lot of good beta, it never becomes alpha. Alpha is looks, frame and game, that's it.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Got it. Thanks for the distinction.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, on the one hand, it's hard to show her that you actually know what you're doing. You probably need more than a solid year of mastery before much changes for her. On the other hand, you can't manufacture genuine attraction for her because you can't get past this thing that you helped her do. I yes I'd leave you with this: if you are a solid man practicing the solid fundamentals of MRP, I'd say it's difficult to give you a hall moss to kick her to the curb. Do the work. Put in the pain. Plan for the outcome where you are the prize. At that point, marriage continues or divorce happens. But today you're more like a person that has purchased a car they can't afford and looking to dump it.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. Definitely working on it. I really want the marriage to work out, but I want to be equally okay that it doesn't work out, provided I did the things I need to do, on my terms.

[–]Redpillbrigade171 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

She she she. All about her. You need a big kick in the nuts. You're overthinking it and you're overthinking any affection she may have for you. The moment you stop worrying about whether she's into you or not is the moment she'll be head over heels (maybe) chasing your confident ass.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I'm beginning to see how the overthinking is futile.

[–]jeezydasnowman1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

As long as you're getting sex, minimal nagging, and she's validating you on public you're doing better than 99% of guys on here. Don't be insecure.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I seem to be doing pretty well, and I'm not ungrateful, but the lingering insecurity has real effects that have dogged my progress. The worst irony of the situation is that my libido has been hit really hard from the stress/insecurity.

[–]jeezydasnowman1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Wow, there's no way you've been lifting. Holy shit.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I just started recently. My libido problem is either psychogenic, or due to slow rebound from some bad habits. I'm starting to think it's more the former.

I get around it with a lot of propping (zinc, ashwagandha, etc).

[–]jeezydasnowman2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Its a lot harder to fuck when you have no strength/stamina. Get to the gym.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I hope my personal trainer will let me rock out to the new Pissed Jeans album this a.m.

I can't workout to pop. No way.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

you are lost in your fear of being alone.. or your insecurity.

Honestly - you somehow think this girl is special still.

nah. just pussy.

thank her for nearly cheating on you. It woke your ass up.

And fuck her like you hate her. I mean, right now you hate yourself, but you can't really hatefuck yourself.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That last line. Fantastic.

[–]abdadaRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

You have 4 kids with her? Or you have a few kids and she brought some into the relationship?

What's it going to cost you to divorce, and how likely are you to spin as many young plates as you desire?

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I brought one kid to the marriage. I have three with my present wife. Not enthusiastic about starting over/spinning plates, although I could learn to love it.

[–]abdadaRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Awesome. Figure out if you can date and plate cute women without stress. If not, then you aren't leading your marriage well enough yet to find solace in it.

It's the big rub of relationships: if you have abundance, you can actually make your LTR amazing. If you don't have abundance, all you have are fantasies that distract from reality.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Had I not made the discovery a year ago, I might have never known I suffered from oneitis. Getting over this, and spinning plates, would help me tremendously. However, I question how to effectively do this.

Spinning plates seems a lot easier for a single guy. Cop out?

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dude, the way you talk about spinning plates is cringe worthy. Your mindset at present with regards to plates is to seek validation from other women.

If you are knocked from your frame by something as trivial as the texts you describe, texts that are so insignificant your wife didn't even bother deleting them by the way, then you are not ready to spin plates.

Spinning plates takes a lot of time, time that you have to use to improve and get to a better mindset.

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe plate spinning is clumsy language. I'm not ready at all for that, based on the responses I've gotten. I'm just bantering, and trying to improve game, in the event things fall apart.

[–]p0inky0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How did you discover these exactly? I would picture most women doing this being smooth enough to delete their texts?

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nope. I'm pretty sure I had an established history of optimistic complacency, and general obliviousness. Not really a jealous bone in my body (for years).

It was last March that I started to detect some jealousy in myself. I didn't know exactly where it was coming from, but I initially liked it -I was actually feeling something other than resentment/resignation.

When I wised up and found the goods, I didn't like the jealousy as much anymore.

[–]p0inky0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So these were texts she just kept on her phone?

[–]KickerOfElves12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yep. Pretty much.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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