FR: Don't be unattractive

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December 15, 2016

I play social sport after work a couple of times a week. Talking to my wife yesterday morning, she asked what time I'd be home, and I said probably 7.30-8ish...

Fast forward to the evening, I decide to grab a beer with teammates afterward. My wife calls me just after 7.30 asking where I am. Apparently she was planning on going xmas shopping tonight when I got home, and is steaming that I'm not home already. I say "OK, I'll finish this drink and come home.", and can hear her starting to rant as I take the phone away from my ear and hang up.

I casually sit down, and keep chatting with the guys until I've finished my drink, wish them all a merry xmas etc, then head home. Get there around 8, and she storms out of the house ranting. I smile and tell her to enjoy the shopping.

I go inside and find all three kids still up, despite their regular bedtime being 7.30. I shower, grab a snack, and put them to bed. By this time, the youngest is losing her shit, but I just laugh at her protests, and she falls asleep pretty quickly. I then go and check on the 5 year old, who somehow has a glow stick in his room and is waving it around. I sit with him for a bit, do a little glow stick dancing, then leave him to fall asleep by himself. I then go to the oldest's room and turn out her light- that kid would read until midnight if we let her.

I heat up my dinner, and sit down on the couch and start watching an episode of 'Black Mirror'. I get some chicken stuck between my teeth, and remember that we're out of floss. I text my wife, who is probably still be fuming at me, and ask her to grab some floss while she's out.

She gets home a little while later, in a good mood, and with the floss. I get that pesky bit of chicken that had been annoying me. We discuss plans for the weekend, how we're going to get to her work xmas party the following night, and other bits of idle chit chat. We head off to bed, but I'm tired and don't feel like sex so don't initiate anything, and we fall asleep.

None of this is remarkable. None of this make me attractive. This is all about not being unattractive. This is just how a person should act when they don't live with their heads up someone else's ass. What is remarkable is the contrast of this unremarkable evening against how old me would have handled it all by doing one, or more, or possibly all of the following:

(a) DEERed like shit over the phone about how she didn't tell me that she needed me at home by a certain time bla bla bla, and probably gotten into a heated argument. (b) Left the drinks immediately after making a rude comment about my wife to the guys I was drinking with (c) Continued the argument when I got home (d) Flipped out when I saw the kids were still awake (e) Lost my shit with the youngest when she kicked up a fit (f) Snapped at the 5 year old for playing with the glow stick (g) Continued the argument with my wife via text once the kids were asleep (h) Would have asked for the floss, but my wife would likely have ignored the request (i) Given wife silent treatment when she got home (j) Decided to punish my wife by not initiating sex

This wasn't a once off either, I've become the balancing force in my household for the last few months now, but last night was just a good example of fighting off a series of shit tests that I would have failed miserably in the past. Things aren't perfect, but inside my head and inside my household, things are finally unremarkable. I am finally not unattractive.

Post Information
Title FR: Don't be unattractive
Author omarcoming16
Upvotes 43
Comments 29
Date 15 December 2016 10:05 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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Red Pill terms found in post:
shit test

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Should have put this on the main, good field report

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Unremarkable isn't a bad place to be with three kids at bed time.

[–]bigtuna456 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Jesus man. I have no kids and feel like I would lose my shit in that situation. Props to you.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

And,she came home in a decent mood - cause you handled all your shit, on your terms...... Amen brother. Confidence, it does a man good

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy

I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, you maintained frame very well. On the other hand, your wife was disrespectful on so many levels. So, the question is should the disrespect be addressed?

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not everything your wife will do is a shit test. Sometimes there is a real logistics failure or a mismatch in your expectations. For most MRP newbies, this normally boils over into conflict, but it doesn't have to. It's getting into the mindset where you don't take everything personally, but just another place where maybe your leadership was lacking.

DNGAF and OI aren't about ignoring your wife, but taking taking her (and her emotions) in stride without losing your cool. It certainly shouldn't be a reason to start throwing boundaries around, unless it's become a constant problem.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

I think he did really well. The Floss, in particular, was a great way to deal with her disrespect. He dealt with it by rising above it. Showed that disrespectful conduct yields no reaction.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

The question is whether it gives her a license to act disrespectful in the future. I honestly don't know the answer. Perhaps an MRP approved member wants to chime in.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Bobby P.

At a certain point, it's not about keeping score. Disrespect comes in degrees, and a logistics issue dealing with a range of times for OP'S ETA home could be viewed as vague leadership and her not completing the bedtime ritual as a minor rebellion. OP treated the minor tantrum appropriately, and his GZF won out.

Good parenting, and crisis averted. If she fails to provide value over an extended period, then OP may have some decisions to make. Micromanaging any relationship and demanding fealty to routine will eventually make everyone miserable. The goal is happy, not always right.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Micromanaging any relationship and demanding fealty to routine will eventually make everyone miserable. The goal is happy, not always right

Thus, STFU, AA, and AM

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you're going to treat her like the oldest child in the house, then you need to give her a little room now and then to let off some steam. He handled it like an adult, IMHO.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Solid post. Also one of the things I have really worked on, no losing frame period. Not just with the wife, but also with the kids. Especially when shit is hitting the fan. I'm not 100% there yet but i've made a ton of improvement.

I can see a lot of myself in the contrast between your present and past state. Reading a lot of Eastern/Buddhist philosophy as well as starting to look into Stoicism has helped tremendously.

Really helps to put into perspective what is worth giving a shit about and what is not. Well done.

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your wife set you up. She only heard the early time in your estimate and when you weren't home she suddenly had someplace to be...

Never tell them what time you'll be home. Just say, "later."

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you must give a time estimate always under promise and over deliver, not just in relationships but life in general. I always leave myself a window for unexpected shit coming up.

Great way to never be late, and always give the appearance of being "early", all the while making it appear effortless.

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good post. I commented about a similar interaction. Got home and shit was not in order. Old me would have bitched at her. Instead directed her on what to do (put up groceries and bathe son while I picked up dinner). House was not a mess anymore, kids went to bed happy and enthusiastic sex was had.

Someone else wrote a similar post about families with no stories. There were no stories since there was no drama. Good stuff.

[–]redearththeory0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. What she does is largely irrelevant.

[–]sars4450 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is an outstanding MRP FR. Great stuff for newbies to read. I love getting through situations like this and thinking how old me would have royally fucked things up. Nice job OP

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

things are finally unremarkable

Good place to be. Drama for dramas sake be gone!

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is gold. Newbs should really read this. Didnt let her shit affect you, did the shit that had to be done, didnt DEER, she had her rollerocoaster of emotions and felt the FEELZ she needs so badly and came home to her unnafected oak. New guys, this is how you "man", not the BP shit fed to you every day. Oh and she hadnt planned the xmas shopping at the first call, it "came up" after she realized he wouldnt be home when she wanted liked a good trained puppy.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I like this man. Even if she turned you down on a fuck, it still would have been a good FR. This is exactly where I am. It seems trivial in comparison to some of the shit people are doing here, but to me it's huge knowing that she can't break my frame. It hasn't resulted in my desired goal. Regardless, I've never been happier. Great stuff man.

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This has nothing to do with attractiveness. Its all about maintaining frame and taking care of business. Which you did.


[–]ofthehighdesert[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Really liked the post. Hadn't really thought of that perspective before, but it makes sense.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nice job.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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