EDIT:Thank you all for your responses. This has helped me tremendously. I have been struggling so bad with this, and I realize now that I'm being a big pussy, and I need to just focus on the MAP. I'm not going to do any investigating. I've already done a shit ton, and found absolutely nothing. I'm tired of beating myself up and wearing myself down with this thing. I have the live an awesome life, and it starts today
I posted one other time about this, and there were very mixed reactions and opinions. I get it that I need to work on MAP and SMV and focus on myself, but I have a ways to go to be there. I DO GAF, unfortunately.
She travels a lot, and she's gone most of the week, and we mainly see each other on weekends. I've had this nagging feeling she's been cheating, and it just won't go away. Still, I have absolutely no proof. It's possible, if she is cheating, it's with someone at work or on work trips, so they'd only talk in person - probably someone also in an LTR or marriage. That way, there would be absolutely no electronic trials whatsoever. But, this is all just gut feelings, or maybe just fear from my head.
I've read all the sidebar and I'm even starting to see some dread working. Sex has been better in general, but recently she dried up on me pretty good as I've been doing a lot of shit for her and her family. I'm doing it because I want to, but I fear that she sees it as me going back to my old beta ways. I see it though, and she is in for a rude awakening if she things I'm going back to errand boy again. LOL
Anyway, about a week ago, she took a shower in the morning, and then when she came home from work, I smelled sweat on her shoulder when I hugged her. She never sweats. I thought that was strange, but I didn't say anything. Then, she goes into the bathroom and washes up a whole bunch. Then, she comes to bed and lays on me for a while. Then, she goes and takes her 2nd shower of the day. The following morning, she takes another shower. So, that's 3 showers in a 24 hour period. I took her panties and put them in a plastic bag, and I was going to test them for semen. But, after researching those semen testing kits, I came to the conclusion they are not reliable, so I didn't.
So, in a couple weeks, I'm supposed to join her on a business trip. My plan is to show up a day or 2 early, and use GPS to see what she's up to, or just show up in her room unannounced.
Shit, as I type this I feel like a crazy person, like the psycho in that Julia Robert's movie where she faked her own death to get away from the guy. I don't want to be that guy, but I think I need to do due diligence to get some piece of mind. And, YES, I am prepared mentally to accept if there is anything.
Another thing that happened, is she went out of her way to show me that she had a meeting with a guy I always suspected there was a mutual crush , or more. The guy used to work for her, but he doesn't anymore, and the meeting title said "catch up with Joe." I felt like it was a shit test, and it caught me off guard. I failed, although I have been passing most tests with STFU.
So far, it's been just a lot of little circumstantial stuff, but after reading Rollo's latest post, I wonder if they are what he calls "breadcrumbs." Little pieces of evidence she allows me to see to put the puzzle together and let me become pissed enough to just end it. I will not do that without concrete proof. One time, we got so close to divorce that I was about to go to the bank to start splitting assets. But, she would only go along with it if it was my choice or idea, and she wouldn't make the call, which also goes along with Rollo's hamster theory.
I'm just so tired of checking stuff - it's fucking exhausting, but I can't stop myself. I need to find out soon one way or the other.