Unplugging since April (5 Months), Married five years, together 10. Owning my shit is the new norm. As detailed in my last OYS I was in cruise control enjoying all that life had to offer. In the past, whenever I begin to feel comfortable, something goes wrong. In last week's OYS I mentioned a passion project that was coming to fruition and how grateful I was for the friends I was working with. Well, last week we brought it out into a public forum and it was glorious. We had media coverage and a lot of pats on the back. Reviews said what we came up with was, "Great!". I had no idea what to expect and was fucking head over heels that it was well received. Went to bed that night feeling so good. Next day I get a call from my friend and partner and he tells me he is moving to the other side of the country in 5 days time. Kept it a secret from me as he didn't want it to affect our project's unveiling. This may not seem like a big deal but, for me in this moment, it's my little house of cards crumbling. I've spent three nights a week with this person for the last two years. Now our project of two years that we just gave birth to is dead. Dead in the water and the third partner is dropping out as well as he thinks there is no way to continue. Moreover, this person is the only real friend I've had in this town since moving here 7 years ago and now he's gone. There is a massive void in his wake. I am currently undergoing the 5 stages of grief in real time. It's almost funny how exact the process is. Shock, Anger, Depression, Dialog, Acceptance. I'm not crying or making a scene but, I am off and most people that know me can tell. Not trying to share all this with my wife. However, I am not really repressing it either. Just letting it be. If you ask me how I'm doing I'll tell you, not well...
Since meeting my wife, whenever I've had any sort of problem, issue or fallacy, she turns on me like a rabid dog. It could be a bad cold / illness, issue at work, family member dying, a friend moving away. Anything where I show any sort of emotion other than calm joy I open myself up for attack and she does it every time like clockwork.
My wife takes off the next day to go spend labor day weekend with friends and family out of town. I had to stay for work. It was nice to have some time alone to process what was happening. My off time I went to the gym and went full throttle. Next day, ran 6 miles and 5000' of elevation. I get a call from my wife Sunday night, she asks me how I am and I tell her I am just working etc. She starts DEERing my friend's decision to move away. I try to dodge it because I don't really want to discuss it with her. Immediately, she asks, "Are you mad at me?". I say, "No. Not at all. I am just upset about my friend moving and everything that's happening". With a bunch of attitude, she says, "I gotta go". In my mind I'm thinking, you called me... I said alright and she hangs up. Went back to doing what I was doing before the call. After awhile, texts start rolling in with her trying to mend her behavior as the norm. "Hey, what are you doing? I love you..." I don't reply.
Next day, she is back from her trip when I come home from work. We have plans to go to a "last supper" with my friend that's leaving and his wife. It was nice to be with them and dinner was really enjoyable and a tad melancholy. I felt largely at peace with the whole thing. My rationalization is, we are all adults and shit happens, gotta do what you gotta do etc. As soon as we get in the truck my wife starts DEERing their decision to move again and kept on about it. Basically insinuating I have no right to be upset. I didn't engage in the conversation. I just let her talk and nod along. We get to the house and she asks again, "Are you mad at me?". I reply, "No. Not at all. I'm just upset about my friend leaving". She gets out in a huff and slams the door on my new truck. At this point the old BP me would have went into a rage. I take a few minutes in the truck and gather my wits. I go in the house, open the bedroom door, she's in bed watching something on my laptop. I calmly say to her, "I understand you have trouble when I am upset. I am just going trough something and it makes it that much more difficult when you act like this. I don't need you to be there and support me, but, I definitely don't need you to come home and kick me when I'm down". She replies, "Fuck you". I calmly reply, "I remember every time you've said those words to me and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing them". I calmly shut the door, went out to the living room put on a little relaxing music and just chilled for 30 minutes. Went into the spare bedroom and passed out. About 30 minutes later she comes into the spare bedroom and attempts to cuddle up with me. I'm stone cold. At this point I'm not butthurt, I'm am just tired of this shit. I have adversarial situations outside of my home and inside. No shelter from the storm.
TL;DR I am a man, I am fallible. You can own and handle your shit all you want. On occasion, the universe will throw mud in your eye and you have to fucking deal with it. This is to be expected. When you come home to a place of refuge, do you then need another adversary to spar zen master kung fu with? I have no control over anything or anyone but myself. I realize this situation is just another lesson, I am not a victim. Trying to process and learn is a motherfucker when you have enemies on all sides.