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FR: The Infallible Fallacy

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September 6, 2016
7 upvotes

Field Report

Unplugging since April (5 Months), Married five years, together 10. Owning my shit is the new norm. As detailed in my last OYS I was in cruise control enjoying all that life had to offer. In the past, whenever I begin to feel comfortable, something goes wrong. In last week's OYS I mentioned a passion project that was coming to fruition and how grateful I was for the friends I was working with. Well, last week we brought it out into a public forum and it was glorious. We had media coverage and a lot of pats on the back. Reviews said what we came up with was, "Great!". I had no idea what to expect and was fucking head over heels that it was well received. Went to bed that night feeling so good. Next day I get a call from my friend and partner and he tells me he is moving to the other side of the country in 5 days time. Kept it a secret from me as he didn't want it to affect our project's unveiling. This may not seem like a big deal but, for me in this moment, it's my little house of cards crumbling. I've spent three nights a week with this person for the last two years. Now our project of two years that we just gave birth to is dead. Dead in the water and the third partner is dropping out as well as he thinks there is no way to continue. Moreover, this person is the only real friend I've had in this town since moving here 7 years ago and now he's gone. There is a massive void in his wake. I am currently undergoing the 5 stages of grief in real time. It's almost funny how exact the process is. Shock, Anger, Depression, Dialog, Acceptance. I'm not crying or making a scene but, I am off and most people that know me can tell. Not trying to share all this with my wife. However, I am not really repressing it either. Just letting it be. If you ask me how I'm doing I'll tell you, not well...

Since meeting my wife, whenever I've had any sort of problem, issue or fallacy, she turns on me like a rabid dog. It could be a bad cold / illness, issue at work, family member dying, a friend moving away. Anything where I show any sort of emotion other than calm joy I open myself up for attack and she does it every time like clockwork.

My wife takes off the next day to go spend labor day weekend with friends and family out of town. I had to stay for work. It was nice to have some time alone to process what was happening. My off time I went to the gym and went full throttle. Next day, ran 6 miles and 5000' of elevation. I get a call from my wife Sunday night, she asks me how I am and I tell her I am just working etc. She starts DEERing my friend's decision to move away. I try to dodge it because I don't really want to discuss it with her. Immediately, she asks, "Are you mad at me?". I say, "No. Not at all. I am just upset about my friend moving and everything that's happening". With a bunch of attitude, she says, "I gotta go". In my mind I'm thinking, you called me... I said alright and she hangs up. Went back to doing what I was doing before the call. After awhile, texts start rolling in with her trying to mend her behavior as the norm. "Hey, what are you doing? I love you..." I don't reply.

Next day, she is back from her trip when I come home from work. We have plans to go to a "last supper" with my friend that's leaving and his wife. It was nice to be with them and dinner was really enjoyable and a tad melancholy. I felt largely at peace with the whole thing. My rationalization is, we are all adults and shit happens, gotta do what you gotta do etc. As soon as we get in the truck my wife starts DEERing their decision to move again and kept on about it. Basically insinuating I have no right to be upset. I didn't engage in the conversation. I just let her talk and nod along. We get to the house and she asks again, "Are you mad at me?". I reply, "No. Not at all. I'm just upset about my friend leaving". She gets out in a huff and slams the door on my new truck. At this point the old BP me would have went into a rage. I take a few minutes in the truck and gather my wits. I go in the house, open the bedroom door, she's in bed watching something on my laptop. I calmly say to her, "I understand you have trouble when I am upset. I am just going trough something and it makes it that much more difficult when you act like this. I don't need you to be there and support me, but, I definitely don't need you to come home and kick me when I'm down". She replies, "Fuck you". I calmly reply, "I remember every time you've said those words to me and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing them". I calmly shut the door, went out to the living room put on a little relaxing music and just chilled for 30 minutes. Went into the spare bedroom and passed out. About 30 minutes later she comes into the spare bedroom and attempts to cuddle up with me. I'm stone cold. At this point I'm not butthurt, I'm am just tired of this shit. I have adversarial situations outside of my home and inside. No shelter from the storm.

TL;DR I am a man, I am fallible. You can own and handle your shit all you want. On occasion, the universe will throw mud in your eye and you have to fucking deal with it. This is to be expected. When you come home to a place of refuge, do you then need another adversary to spar zen master kung fu with? I have no control over anything or anyone but myself. I realize this situation is just another lesson, I am not a victim. Trying to process and learn is a motherfucker when you have enemies on all sides.


Post Information
Title FR: The Infallible Fallacy
Author pildorado
Upvotes 7
Comments 38
Date 06 September 2016 04:59 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207129
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/51g84s/fr_the_infallible_fallacy/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
butthurtfield report
Comments

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Women are great until shit starts going south.

Honestly, I wouldn't sweat her attitude and shit tests too hard. If she really didn't give a shit she would have checked out completely and be planning to branch swing instead of testing you all the time.

Just remember, your wife isn't on your team, she never was and never will be. She views you as a job. Right now that "job" is looking a little shaky. If you were an employee at a business that just experienced a massive loss, what would you want the CEO to be doing? Quietly sulking around or holding a meeting to reassure the staff what he is going to do to solve the problem and be successful going forward? A week of sulking might be what you need to get over it and clear your head, but that's a week of not knowing if you're going to have a job next week in your wife's eyes.

My advice is once she stops being a bitch, make yourself into the positive and upbeat CEO. Throw on your best Patrick Bateman power-suit, slick that hair back and give one hell of a motivational speech to your shareholders.

Or just accept that she doesn't really care about you the way you want her to, and lower your standards for her behavior while you continue moping around.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Immediately, she asks, "Are you mad at me?". I say, "No. Not at all. I am just upset about my friend moving and everything that's happening".

See to me that's already too much "sharing". You threw a little drop of blood in the water.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Should I be?"

"No, you know you're acting like you're mad at me?"

"That's weird."

FOG, AM or AA. Sharing any kind of weakness with a woman gets you on a spectrum of pity->fitness test. You want nothing on that spectrum.

If you start to feel like sharing, and she'd demonstrated time and again that she doesn't like weakness that she's probed for... find a reason to get off the phone/ out of the convo.

"Hey, what are you doing? I love you..." I don't reply.

Best course of action.

Since she keeps using the "Are you mad at me?" mantra, I see it more and more like her probing.

Either for you to flip/fog.

Or say "Disappointed is a better word."

It probably galls her when you react more to a friend leaving than her antics so she ramps hers up until she gets >any reaction< from you. She's a little kid punching you in the leg until you do something to stop her.

Stop engaging. Remove. OR give a good scold if she's needing it.

Occasionally women are wanting it. It's the leadership portion.

I'm being a brat. I'm showing you I'm being a brat. And it's a fail to not call her on it. Then if she throws a fit after you draw a line: O.I.

Find a copy of The Great Happiness Space if you haven't already watched it. Great insight in that video.

[–]pildorado[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It probably galls her when you react more to a friend leaving than her antics so she ramps hers up until she gets >any reaction< from you. She's a little kid punching you in the leg until you do something to stop her.

This is it. She is not used to me being so cool with or without her. She is not used to my OI of the last 5 month's and now to see me show some emotion she is probably taking it like, "He cares about this friend more than he cares about me".

Probably not far off the mark as this behavior on varying scales of intensity is just the norm. I'm not pissed, just sick of it.

All of the advice on here is correct and would certainly have worked. I guess that's what I am trying to figure out. Do I need to come home and AA, AM, FLIP / FOG "zen master kung fu" at all times with this woman? How does this add value to my life?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How does this add value to my life

Sometimes the mere reduction of a negative just that. Not necessarily a straight positive. But a gain nonetheless.

And stop moping. That's probably what she's after in her own way anyway. It's what she's interpreting you recent interactions as.

Nothing gained with brooding over a situation outside of your sphere of influence. So he's going. Now what are you going to do?

Morn privately then get on with it.

Can't fight off cave bears and pump manly jizz into her if you're moping that your bud went on to live in another tribe. It's giving her an angry vagina.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Seems like we are in similar situations. Think of the wife as the ultimate sparring partner. If she can still get to you, there is yet more training to be done. Realize however you are squarely in that inbetween stage. The part where you have improved, but have believed she hasn't. What happened was that you improved and she stayed the same. It takes a good year to unfuck yourself before you really see her baseline improve. She filled the shitty container you gave her, and then was flummoxed you poured out shit. The marching cadence is to continue improving yourself and that has never become more important than now. The scales are beginning to tip and I assume you don't want to come up wanting. First you got the noob gains and now you are at the part where you have started to plateau a bit. Sounds a bit like lifting? Yeah, because that's how life is.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Based on the level of disappointment all this was for you and the fact a good friend was leaving...after she said "Fuck you..." I would have calmly said..."No, fuck you sweetheart. How about you step back from my laptop and go be a bitch elsewhere for the evening. I'm in no mood for your antics."

There was a recent post about showing controlled anger. I would have let her seen some of mine.

[–]pildorado[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Not bad advice. However, I am currently a little deflated. Managing to keep it tight at work and not show my hand. At home I just want to relax and mend. I wasn't even angry when she said that to me. It was like watching a movie I had seen 100 times before. Like, wait for it.... wait for it... Yep, there it is. Knew I had a "fuck you" waiting for me at home tonight. Ahh, home sweet home.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

All the more reason to do it. Some shit you just ignore. Some shit you set a hard boundary.

If you have worked hard enough to have some baseline frame and she's acting like a bitch after it's clear you took a hard blow recently, I'd be pissed. And I'd tell her she can actively stay away from me.

If you're still in semi-pussy state, then this may not work for you. She still sees you as weak and doesn't give a fuck about your setbacks.

[–]Chump_No_More3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Several issues going on here.

You're still living in a scarcity mindset. Is your bestie leaving and third partner's catastrophizing a setback? Only if you allow it to be. This is not a disaster, this is a fucking opportunity! As Gunny Highway says, "Adapt! Improvise! Overcome!" Seriously, have you ever heard of Skype?!? You can still work together... just do it remotely.

And your response to losing your bestie also reeks of scarcity. People move in and out of your life... always will.

You made a huge mistake of allowing your wife to see your vulnerability.... huuuuge. Especially considering her past behavior.

Acknowledging, confronting, and doing battle with your vulnerabilities is part & parcel of being a man, but you never let your woman see it. Keep that shit on lockdown! Come here when you need to victim puke.

Lastly, your home is not your refuge or Zen Happy Place. Your home is for fucking and raising kids. Your Fortress of Solitude is primarily in your head... find solace and refuge in the quiet moments of pursuing your passion.

[–]pildorado[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are right. This shit rocked me a bit. My friend is a bit of a fucker for keeping it secret. Unfortunately, what we do requires proximity of space. I do have a scarcity mindset in relation to this situation as I'm still in shock. It won't last. I will overcome.

I will admit I am being a big fat pussy about it and I don't really give a fuck. I'll come around in time.

In the meantime, going to meditate on this little pearl

Lastly, your home is not your refuge or Zen Happy Place. Your home is for fucking and raising kids. Your Fortress of Solitude is primarily in your head... find solace and refuge in the quiet moments of pursuing your passion.

I don't want kids and right now I don't want to fuck her, so...

[–]pildorado[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I understand the theory of not showing vulnerability and the repercussions. Contrary to that, within the context of NMMNG. I believe it's important to not repress emotions. I never went crying to my wife. However, to just mask everything and walk around with some fake smile on my face would be unbelievable.

[–]anythingincRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

some fake smile on my face

Get a real one bro. You're alive. Your dick works. You have a MAP. Listen to some Dashboard Confessional in the car and get over it.

The worst day of your life is a boring story somebody heard on a Tuesday.

Best RP advice I've ever heard in real life. Your Red Pill may not have been a full dose. High Value Men don't mope for a week.

[–]anythingincRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Almost like she's acting like the beta male here.

Woman isn't acting right, but men can't have that, so we probe for information and try to fix all their problems and use rationality and logic when we just need to STFU and give them a hug....except in this case it's reverse..because for 5 years she has been the one responsible for everything. And we all know that pisses women off when men do it...just like it is pissing you off now.

Six Days Ago.

We have been having little to no sex, no snuggling or cuddling at night. I am just not feeling it and I don't initiate... Again, the lack of intimacy does not feel sustainable. I think this is bothering my wife more than me. I feel complete without it. At the beginning of MRP and reading MMSLP I really poured on the sexual attention and she liked it. Now we are 180' out and she notices. I will say I think she is trying to be sweet and show affection. She is luring me in for the kill (she wants to be pregnant badly). The more I think about children, the more I don't want it. I am super vocal about it. We spent last Saturday with some old friends and they all have kids now. There were a couple babies and a toddler there. Not a single thing about the situation was appealing. My wife was gushing on the babies asking me to hold them etc. I declined. The fact that I don't want children rings louder daily.

Your wife does think something is wrong, because there is, and that you're just mad at her, all this just coincides...and so when she asks if you are mad at her, and you say your friend is moving, she doesn't really believe you, because shit has been different lately, as stated in your OYS, before you found out about the move...so when you respond "friend move" she doesn't believe that is the real problem, and then tries to DEER you so that you'll get to the real problem...the one she has been feeling for 5 months.

Moral of the story, she doesn't give a shit about why you're mopey right now, she just doesn't want you mopey, how many times have you read that shit here, you're trying to blame a duck for quacking. She sees you mopey and wonders if it is involved with the changes over the past few months, or if she's getting to you, which prima facie, look kinda like you are mad at her. She is actually trying to talk about fight club, so just do what we always do when women want to talk about fight club, STFU, AA, AM, etc...

Contact with my wife is basically down to just Saturday's and morning coffee. My OI, is complete and omnipotent....I don't engage on an emotional level. If I do get emotional at all, I get short and to the point. Feels good to not be angry all the time. Not sure if this level of OI is sustainable as I feel a little checked out of the marriage.

I mean, that's some stone cold frame, like u/FireTempered said...ARE you mad at your wife?

I am just not feeling it and I don't initiate

That's what a defeated, mad, butthurt dude would say. Unless you really can't risk pregnancy before you decide about divorce or not, but in that case, why are you still with her?

[–]MPRThrowAway211 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm learning a lot from this thread.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dude if I were you and had no kids, i´d be out of that shit next second. Good lord. You feel down for a friend leaving and you get a "fuck you"? Fuck that shit. Fuck her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

If I am reading you correctly, she just can't stand for you to be upset, yet she does stuff that she (I think) knows will upset you.

She seems determined to talk you out of (negotiate) being upset with your friends leaving. Even seems to know she is over-doing it and tries to apologize. You can't negotiate desire, you can't talk a kid out of throwing a fit, you can't talk most anyone out of their feelz.

Your frame is that she is negative, I think her frame is that she is trying to help you rationalize past your friend leaving. I can't know her motives, but IF she was actually trying to help you, then you get the response "Fuck You"

She asked is you were mad at her, and you really wimped out and said no, it's my friend. I don't believe you and I don't think she did either.

[–]pildorado[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

You are correct. She cannot stand anyone's negative emotions other than her own. She was certainly trying to "un-upset" me with her DEERing of my friend's decision. I am upset and going through my stages of grief are my responsibility. It is a process and it takes time. I am not repressing anything, just accepting what is happening and trying to move through it. Truth told my relationship with this friend represents the first time in 7 years of moving to this town where I felt okay. I had a real connection with this person and also had this project that was a huge undertaking and was an accomplishment I could truly be proud of. It's a lot of eggs in one basket.

My wife just can't handle anything shaking her perception of reality. Don't rock her emotional boat or she will make you pay. My OI in terms of my wife is complete and omnipotent. She did not upset me. I am just upset. The "fuck you" is just me hearing a story I already heard 100 times. It's locked and loaded, ready to pop whenever I'm not calm and joyful.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

she asks again, "Are you mad at me?". I reply, "No. Not at all. I'm just upset about my friend leaving". She gets out in a huff and slams the door on my new truck

So you don't think you were mad at her? You don't think you acted butt-hurt?

[–]pildorado[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

I am acting quiet and may be perceived as butt-hurt. It's not about her. She always defends whatever outside adversary I am dealing with. Again, not shocking or upsetting, expected. Heard this song a thousand times. She is free to say and act however she feels. If it ticks my meter too much I disengage or engage like i did with the MINT BS a month ago. Last night I didn't have any gas in my tank after breaking my body with exercise and 10 hour work days.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I am acting quiet and may be perceived as butt-hurt.

I agree.

[–]pildorado[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I'll own that shit. Again, I am fallible. Denying it is untruth.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I'll own that shit. Again, I am fallible. Denying it is untruth.

There, fixed, bullshit removed.

[–]pildorado[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Got it. I'm acting like a big pussy cus my lil' buddy is moving away. I own it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

OK, one last time. Yes you are acting like a pussy, here we agree.

The point I think everyone is trying to make here, is that she doesn't want to see you being weak, or showing your feelz. She doesn't care WHY you are mister gloom and doom. That your problems are interfering with her desire to have an Oak for a husband. Your feelz are also interfering with her desire to have a child. Lastly, you are in her feelz territory, and she can't handle the competition for emo space. Get out of her space and get over your feelz. Best

[–]pildorado[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you sincerely for taking the time.

[–]KyfhoMyoba0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

OP: learn, study, and internalize the concept of Amused Mastery. I admit that in your situ it's gonna be super difficult, but learn it anyway, for other stuff.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As you continue to work on you and you are now in control and staying in frame, she is responding with mega shit. Why ? Because I think she may identify you are ready to identify her being low value.

"I calmly say to her, "I understand you have trouble when I am upset. I am just going trough something and it makes it that much more difficult when you act like this. I don't need you to be there and support me, but, I definitely don't need you to come home and kick me when I'm down". not necessary to have stated this, you did great to stay in frame until this.

"She replies, "Fuck you". Low value and excellent display of it in response

"I calmly reply, "I remember every time you've said those words to me and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing them". " Remember today is a new day and when she repeatedly states "fuck you" you need to start wondering, is this healthy, or what am I lacking that creates this



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