Stats:

  • late 30’s, Married for 6 years, together 8, 5 year old daughter
  • No sex for 6 months, before that a bi-monthly trickle, half starfish since daughter was born
  • I'm 2.5 months into the red pill although I found it 1 year ago
  • I've read NMMNG, WISNIFG, Both of MMSL books, BluePillProf's book, Book of Pook, alot of Red Pill Sidebar, 16 commandments of poon, and have just started Rational male.
  • I've been lifting solidly for 20 years up until 5 years ago, an injured shoulder and a bad knee and a daughter being born gave me all the excuse I needed to stop lifting, I've been lifting as heavy as my joints can allow again for 2.5 months although it is no where near my old weights and I'm making little progress because my focus is on losing weight.
  • I'm a fuckin fat lardass, my lifting was an excuse to eat my feelings away and claim it was beefcake like I was Cartman, I then continued to eat my feels even after I stopped lifting. At my high weight 5 months ago I was 306lbs at 6 foot tall. I'm currently at 250 (the weight I met my wife at) and if my weight loss continues on the same trend I will be at my goal of 10-15% bodyfat (200 lbs) around December. Thanks to this sub suggesting keto I finally have some self respect and self control back.
  • Removing the wife goggles I'd say my wife is a 4, likely a 5 when we got married. I was married before to an 8 she cheated so I left her. I changed from a greater beta/lower alpha with a few plates into a provider boring beta. I chose my current wife because she seemed fairly well grounded, was conservative, was eager to please me and although she wasn't pretty she at least was a normal weight with no kids. I thought the marriage would be easier because she wasn’t that attractive and so I figured I’d have to do less work (fucking shit I’m a sad sack of crap).
  • My Wife's family has a diagnosed history of paranoid Schizophrenia. Specifically her mother was committed on numerous occasions (according to my wife and her brother). Since my daughter was born I have noticed strange behavior from my wife where she thinks people are out to get her. She has cut off many of her family members and is quick to accuse other friends and family of being out to get her. She has never been to the doctor about this though and refuses to talk about it.
  • My wife is a SAHM, constantly gaslights me, has been hiding bottles of alcohol around the house and occasionally goes through them at an alarming rate. Whenever I find one hidden stash if I let her know about it she will leave a half empty bottle in there and make a new stash elsewhere.
  • My daughter has some severe food allergies, as a result my wife obsesses over her. These allergies are manageable with vigilance but my wife never relaxes. On the few times when she has actually let someone besides me or her babysit her she will literally call about every 15 minutes and stares at her phone constantly so she doesn’t miss a text message. She usually sleeps in my daughter's bed with her in case she needs something in the night. Most of this is totally unnecessary in my opinion but whenever I try to get her to relax she immediately starts verbally berating me about how our daughter needs her and that she cares if my daughter lives or dies even if I don’t.
  • I have a number of hobbies, friends, and activities that keep me busy and take me away from the house a couple hours every couple of days and for a few hours on the weekend. My guy friends and I take one day a month to just go out and have some fun. My wife and I have no mutual social life though. When I am at the house I do a good chunk of the house work because my wife doesn't do it to my satisfaction and doesn't care if I'm displeased about it, so I just do it myself to make sure it gets done right.

The event that led me officially taking the pill we had a huge fight over sex (3 months no sex). I was calm the whole time but was trying to negotiate desire. My calmness seemed to piss her off so she got increasingly abusive the less I'd react, she told me I looked like I wanted to rape her, said I’m a sex aholoic and deviant and then when I eventually disengaged and went alone into the bedroom she followed me in there, threw a book at my head got nose to nose with me and told me I looked like I wanted to hit her. If it wasn’t for my daughter I would have divorced her the next day. From my small exposure to the pill the prior year though I knew enough to know I was responsible for my own situation and it was time to finally accept it. A few weeks later after I thought i detected a comfort test while we were talking about some family health issues and goals and I patted her on the hip and told her it would be OK (she refuses all hugs so I couldn’t hug her). After I did this she accused me of hitting her. I told her that I guessed our conversation was over and left the room. The next day I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that if she ever accused me of stuff like that again I’d file for divorce the next day. She hasn’t crossed that boundary yet but she dances around it (will accuse me of yelling when I'm not or says I'm scaring my daughter and my daughter and I are like huh) and now she says I said something different and that I just want a divorce.

Things I keep fucking up:

  1. My frame is built of straw. The slightest push and it falls apart. I normally start off ok trying to keep to the STFU and A&A but eventually she will say something and I start engaging and then it goes downhill from there. As an example I was trying to get her to stay out of my daughter's room at night. I tell her my desire to have our daughter learn to sleep alone and she verbally attacks me. I STFU at first and then try fogging and broken record but nothing makes any difference, I was in front of my daughters bedroom door and my wife tries to go past me. I put my arm in front of the door to try to slow her down so I can make my case and then I’m ‘physically abusive’ and don’t care about her wants and needs. I try to suggest some workable compromises but she nopes them all. I complete my frame break and try to plead with her to just give this a shot. I eventually give up.

  2. Every time I open my mouth a stampede of DEER comes out. I was getting some good signs with her saying “I don’t even know who you are anymore” and “My husband doesn’t exercise/clean/take care of business what has gotten into you” I STFU these comments usually or just say something short like I have goals I want to achieve. Then last night I was trying to do my budget and I can’t access 3 of our credit cards in mint. I ask her if she changed the passwords and she says yes. I ask her to update our password manager and she refuses. She says she thinks I’m going to divorce her and that she needs credit cards inaccessible by me so I can’t run up charges and ruin her credit before I divorce her. I ask her what the hell she is talking about and i eventually realize she is talking about the boundary conversation. I tell her that isn’t what I said and she argues that I did. Then she starts accusing me of not caring about her and our daughter. I fall right into her frame and try to explain what I really meant. Eventually I realize she changed the subject from the initial problem of her changing passwords, she says she might provide them to me if I behave for 6 months and don’t talk about divorce so she can ‘trust’ me again. Eventually she does decide she wants to ‘compromise’ with me and will put the passwords into mint herself so I can still do my budget. I eventually agree to this as I just didn’t know what to do short of changing the account my paycheck goes into from work and refusing to pay for the cards if I don’t have access. I tell her that she isnt leaving me many options. She tells me that if I refuse to pay for her cards that it is spousal abandonment and that she will use that in court when I divorce her. I didn’t argue this because I didn’t know or really care anymore as long as I got a detailed list of charges.

  3. I don’t know how to be fun or flirty with her anymore and other than my money and babysitting she doesn’t seem to value any time with me. Any leading I try to do she fights or goes negative about. She refuses all physical contact other than a grandma peck on the lips when one of us is leaving or going to bed. The only time in the past 6 months that she has touched me is when my daughter asked her to hug me or hold my hand. As soon as I get home from work she leaves to go workout or starts some project that keeps her busy. On the weekend she will go do stuff like church or bowling with me and my daughter but she doesn’t have an interest in my hobbies or what I do as long as she gets her time away. I've tried thinking of fun things for us to do but usually I come up blank because either it is too expensive finding a babysitter. I did try a parents night out thing at my daughters gymnastics class, my wife seemed all for it but then wouldn't leave the parking lot in case daughter needed her. I tried to salvage by going and picking up dinner and breaking out the picnic blanket and grabbed a dice game to play. She ate and was nice but then went back to staring into the window to make sure daughter was OK.

  4. I'm on dread level 3 but can't figure out how to properly apply dread level 4 when she only values my money and babysitting.

What I think I should have done

On number 1 I likely should have just dropped it, STFU and left her presence when she tried to start the argument. I can't control her or what she does with my daughter so when she disagreed I should realized that I can't make her do something or not do something and since this would require her cooperation it was just a goal I'd have to work on later. Since I'm low value in her eyes she has no desire to please me and thus for the moment unless she agrees to something I want I have no carrot or stick to work with.

On number 2 when she refused to give the passwords I should have just said that it was unacceptable and then refused to pay the bill unless I was given access. This likely would have meant I would have needed to open a new bank account and move my direct deposit into it because she can pay it without my permission directly from the bank. This seems kind of nukeish though but I don't know what my other options would be. Every time I give in though I feel like a gigantic pussy but without leverage I don't know what other direction to go in.

On number 3 I'm lost. Actions say she doesn't find me attractive or value me beyond the minimum she feels she has to do to keep me around. So that means I'm obviously not attractive and I don't do a good job of being a fun guy around her. I guess my only option is to work harder to get more attractive, constantly keno even if she pulls away or nukes it, initiate alot despite the hard no, and find fun things to do that we can afford even if it is always as a family.

On number 4 I'm again lost. Perhaps I'm fucking up level 1 too much still to even be thinking about level 4. Although I'm unaffected by her sexual denials I obviously don't have control of myself or the discipline to consistently pass shit tests and keep frame yet.

I appreciate anyone's advice. I know some people are going to suggest divorce and that is an option on the table however a divorce would mean we wouldn't be able to home school my daughter and would have to put her into public school. Given her food allergies and age though doing that there is a strong likelihood that she would die if I did this, her allergies are not the normal ones but 3 of them are in tons of common food that gets served anywhere. Until she gets much older and responsible enough to police herself I don't think I can divorce without putting her at risk. Unfortunately I think my wife might realize this too.

EDIT

Thanks for the replies, I just wanted to add this in here since I wasn't expecting replies on my wifes mental state beyond to tell me I'm a faggot for even mentioning it. I do think my wife has some issues but I don't think she is a physical danger to me or my daughter yet. Other than her helicopter behavior she is a very loving attentive mother. The behavior she displays towards me I've never seen directed at our daughter. She also doesn't drink during the day when she is the only one with our daughter. I monitor the alcohol in the morning and night and it never changes then, it is almost always changed overnight. I have a nanny cam that I'll occasionally leave on to see what is going on during the day and everything is always normal. My daughter has never complained and my wife is very organized and disciplined in getting my daughter socalized with outside activities with other homeschool kids almost every day of the week. In other words if divorce is the most likely outcome from this I have the time to properly document everything to ensure the best possible outcome.