Husband No Longer Passionate

RPAlternate42 · 2016-06-23T18:41:37+00:00

Also, my pregnancy was a very rough time for us relationship-wise. I know this had something to do with it. But I have tried almost everything I can think of, short of total separation, to right any wrongs and to do my part to do what I can to make the relationship good again.

Specifically:

to right any wrongs

What wrongs?

Clearly you are aware that you did something... so what was it?

This entire question is framed around stuff he's doing. From your description of him, he seems like a guy who had an idea of what his wife is and discovered at some point (probably around the time that these wrongs you mentioned occurred) that you were not what he thought. For men in MRP this is an all to common occurrence; our wife was a unicorn and then we discovered the truth of things: she isn't.

By your own admission, you tainted the rose-colored glasses, and now he can't reconcile that. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do (in my mind) to help him with that. Trying to guide him in anyway to an introspective reconciliation of his thoughts and feelings is as unproductive as him telling you how you should feel about anything; neither one of you can make the other feel anything.

What this entire question-post lacks is you owning your own shit and actually saying what YOUR malfunctions are. You paint this beautiful portrait of a woman so self-involved that she actually believes her magic pussy and "feminine mystique" should be enough to inspire man-tingles.

Read this nonsense again:

I'm constantly told how beautiful I am and am constantly hit on by strangers, and am constantly told I should model.

La-di-fucking-da. I hope you never told your husband this. If you did, then 3the first thing to do is to stop saying stupid shit like this. No man wants to here from his wife how other men find her attractive and desirable. We may know this at any given moment, but the second YOU say it to us, we immediately categorize you into the column of "women we would plate, only." A woman saying things like this to her husband means that she is actively advertising herself to other men for the sole goal of gaining male validation.

If he isn't validating your sexuality enough for you, saying that other men are isn't going to help that or your marriage. Saying this is shallowly self-serving and short-sighted. It is a mark of a low-value woman.

I look at him, and know he has to be wanting to act passionately, at least sometimes, and I look at me and think that physically at least I should be inspiring at least something.

I don't know you or what you look like, but this post-modern age of sexuality and relationships has a lot of fat land whales saying the same thing. When most women are nasty pigs, the one who is only "slightly chubby" (by comparison) starts to think she is hot shit.

I'm not saying you are a fat pig or slightly chubby... and I'm not saying you are hot, either. My point here is that your entire post sings your praises and complains about him without once saying one specific thing about any thing YOU are doing wrong... except that you "my pregnancy was a very rough time for us relationship-wise". This is a roundabout way of blaming anyone but yourself for the problems... in this case, the pregnancy was the problem.

The delivery room has nothing to do with this. I watched both C-sections on my wife... saw her uterus, ovaries, muscle wall, sub-cutaneous fat, blood, all of it. I saw them pull a small human out her like a god-damned Alien movie. I saw those little bastards covered in baby cheese, fluid, and all matter of bodily secretions. I've had sex with my wife on her period and less-than-pristine anal sex with her. None of that shit has any effect on anything else.

The biggest thing that turns me off to her is a shitty attitude. If she's being dismissive, insulting, and altogether unpleasant she is a non-person to me. The idea of kissing her is a turn off to me. She could give me all the sex I want, but if she's ALSO a shitty person, I will just see her as a warm cum receptacle; I will enjoy the sex. If she is pleasant, feminine, and supportive, then I will see her as a woman and a person and I will not only enjoy the sex, but I will enjoy the sex WITH her.

I can't believe that he is 100% at fault for issues in your marriage and that you were the pure snowflake free of all blame in the marriage.

You did (are doing) some things, specifically, that you aren't writing out because you don't want to admit to the world and to yourself that you aren't a special little snowflake. Until you are willing to spell out, explicitly, what you did to contribute to this problem beyond "pregnancy," no one here is going to offer you anything you can do to help. And until you spell out what you have done (if anything) to help correct this issue, no one is going to have any empathy for your troubles. No one in the MRP network is going to try to help anyone who isn't helping themselves.

We only help people who own their shit.

So own your shit.

J_Incognito · 2016-06-23T19:43:59+00:00

Sidebar - women's posts are instantly recognizable (and were the downfall of MMSL forum for me). Geez, what a bunch of random, incoherent, half-formed thoughts.

What is your question?

If you want to have sex with your husband, it's easy - touch his dick.

If you want a passionate, intimate & fun relationship, be pleasant and fun to be around. Try this - sitter, pizza, beer, BJ and, most important, no talking about feelings. And repeat regularly. We're pretty simple to make happy and you're failing.

Archwinger · 2016-06-23T18:35:10+00:00

My guess would be that you sex-starved him during your pregnancy, you're not as hot as you used to be thanks to that baby, and what you're facing now is a mixture of the fact that he started jerking off to porn and revenge for him feeling hurt over your past rejections.

I'm just tossing out a blind guess, though. Your post is full of a lot of fluff and emotion and speculation and is very centered on your own thoughts, but kind of lacking in facts.

sexyshoulderdevil · 2016-06-23T17:45:22+00:00

Also, my pregnancy was a very rough time for us relationship-wise. I know this had something to do with it. But I have tried almost everything I can think of, short of total separation, to right any wrongs and to do my part to do what I can to make the relationship good again.

You mention that something happened to the point where you need to right some wrongs and total separation is on the table...what happened? You do something really dumb or are you talking about just the regular difficulties of being pregnant and how that can impact a marriage sometimes?

killingblueme · 2016-06-23T20:10:05+00:00

I was an emotional disaster, and would often accuse him of being cold and withdrawn. He was, but I did not see then my my accusations just made things worse.

Duh.

And again, there is a gap here about why he was cold and withdrawn in the first place. Me thinks you have a major blindspot.

Things started going bad when we found out I was pregnant. I don't think either of us were ready, and when he coped with it by lashing out and pulling away,

I'll come back to this "lashing out" below.

so I freaked the heck out and panicked, and would tear him down trying to get him to see my needs. Didn't really mean to -

Bullshit, yes you did mean to.

Oh, and "tearing someone down" so that they will "see your needs"....if you don't see what is wrong with that no one can help you.

I just saw it as pointing out the obvious and asking for a solution,

It's called "rationalization", dear, and your post is full of it.

but now that I think back, I totally ripped him apart.

Repeatedly, without mercy or remorse and without a 2nd thought about anyone but yourself.

It's funny that we tell men to think about themselves and care for themselves here, and have to tell women the opposite.

He, in turn, was very distant, which I reacted to, and then he reacted by becoming MORE distant than before.

No shit Sherlock. If by "reacted to" you mean "behaved like a soul sucking self centered harpy", then yes, he did what should be expected.

At one point he told me that I needed to move out.

Good for him for asking you to move out and shame on him for not making you do it.

This is where your narrative totally falls apart for me. I have seen men be distant because they couldn't handle intimacy in general or they are just dicks but many times it is because they were being the nice guy, the guy they thought they were supposed to be and then their woman starts lashing out at them, tearing them down and emasculating them. Admittedly the man allows this to happen, but your husband was never educated to be anything more than he is now.

You said earlier that he "lashed out" at you and pulled away as if that happened first, before all these things you did. WHY? What the hell did you do to this guy or is he just a dick and always been this way? There seems like there is still a huge hole in your story here about why he would have done this. Maybe he is an asshole, and maybe you were an asshole, probably both.

I try not to ask anything of him that isn't necessary, because it seems like the past year he really felt like I was just wanting him to foot the bill for my personal needs.

WERE YOU using him as a paycheck?? I have the same question: what the hell did you do to your marriage? It still feels like there is a major gap here that you are not admitting to. He has either always been this way or is a nice guy that reached the end of his rope somewhere and doesn't know what to do about you.

You should try making a list of everything you "did" and drop the "to <reason I did this>" statement at the end. Write it down and drop ANY justification or "reason" you had for doing it. Shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour and you don't get a free pass for ANY reason, period. Drop the excuses and fill in the gaps.

EDIT: Read the comment from /u/MRPCowboy....it is spot on I think.

jeeohnjones · 2016-06-23T19:38:19+00:00

The way women who dont physically desire their husbands get turned off, and begrudgingly give them starfish sex.

You emotionally turned him off and he's begrudgingly masturbating in you.

You say "but I'm so pretty, I dont understand" the same way a guy says "but I'm so nice, I dont understand"

Sapphire_Jizz · 2016-06-23T18:09:05+00:00

Sounds like a sub-optimal situation for sure.

Thing is... the overall gist of your post is a mix of the following:

Victim puke
Emotional plea to internet strangers to sympathize with you and validate your position
Damsel-in-distress-type cry for help (I just have no idea how to fix this, someone please tell me what to do!)

Not blaming or criticizing you here, just be aware that, ultimately, the information you provided is thin and makes it difficult to give you good advice. For example:

Also, my pregnancy was a very rough time for us relationship-wise. I know this had something to do with it. But I have tried almost everything I can think of, short of total separation, to right any wrongs and to do my part to do what I can to make the relationship good again.

... and that's all the information we get about what you have done. And it's extremely vague.

You also ask questions like "But where did the passion go, and why did it go so quickly?" as if we magically can see into both your lives through this reddit post and pin-point the exact moment.

We don't know shit from this.

I urge you to provide some concrete examples of what you've tried, or perhaps a recounting of one of the times when you really "tried anything you could" to save the relationship and what happened. Have you even brought these issues up with him? Give us concrete details that we can work with to help you.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-06-23T18:54:40+00:00

I'll indulge you there laady.

If he was here, what would he say? What would you say are your two biggest things you've done wrong, poorly, or against him in your story... How would he word it?

Those people hitting on you. How good looking are they? Desperate married guys with dad bods don't count.

We don't care about how good a person you are, or your reputation. If you want honest answers, you'll have to give an honest story

Scurvemuch · 2016-06-23T19:25:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

FistFullOfBitches · 2016-06-23T20:45:26+00:00

I freaked the heck out and panicked, and would tear him down trying to get him to see my needs

now that I think back, I totally ripped him apart.

I can't figure out what I've done to kill his desire

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you've pretty much answered your own question.

If you want advice as to how to make things better... we can advise specific actions for now, but until you can start to figure out obvious shit like this on your own, you're just going to keep fucking things up.

You can start by actually being honest with yourself about the way you've treated him, and asking yourself questions like "why should any self-respecting guy want to continue financing my debt when I'm spending months of my life tearing him down and acting like a headless monster towards him"? And "is it possible that a man wakes up and remembers being abused and disrespected yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and then decides it's a lot more pleasant to jerk it to porn than to spend time with me?"

On a more concrete level: start being actually nice to him, respectful, appreciative, pleasant to be around. To get the ball rolling, why not initiate more sex? Watch porn with him? Then when he's feeling good, don't ruin in by badgering him about his feelings and demanding that he acknowledge yours by getting all aggressive and in his face. Pretty basic stuff, actually.

RPAlternate42 · 2016-06-23T23:54:36+00:00

I'm commenting again as a separate thread.

I've read every single comment in here up to this point (63 in total.)

I've read your edits and I get the picture. The summary is this (and don't try to correct this... this is how I am reading things and my advice won't change:)

You were generally happy in a marriage together... but you were agressive (read: bitchy, to him) sometimes. This put stresses on the marriage and him, but as long as you fucked him regularly and he was otherwise generally happy, he let it slide.
seeing that he let some things slide, you ramped it up, slowly, over time.
you got pregnant, unplanned, more-or less. This added a concrete, in-correctable stressor to the marriage.
you ramped up the bitchiness during the pregnancy, I'm sure using the "I'm pregnant so I can be a bitch" excuse.
He reacted to your bitchiness by becoming distant and cold. He sees no value in providing comfort and good feelings to you if you aren't doing the same to him.
Your bitchiness is a physical manifestation as well. You may say that you are "DTF" all the time int he marriage, but men don't see starfish sex as "DTF" we see it as boring and dutiful. Sex with a woman who isn't interested in having sex with us is a huge turn off.
knowing that he at least has sexual access, he basically masturbates into you. For him, this is a step up from you holding a fleshlight for him.

Now maybe he isn't inspiring the tingles in you. Maybe he never really did. Maybe he doesn't lead or make decisions. Maybe you don't see him as physically dominating. Maybe sex with him is too tender. Maybe he has a dad-bod, or worse, he's straight fat and soft. Maybe he grooms poorly and dresses poorly. Those are issue for him, though. Since you seem to want to "fix" this whole marriage, we will ignore those things and focus on you.

Nothing will be fixed unless HE wants to fix it too. you could literally be the perfect Stepford wife, and he still wouldn't give a shit if he doesn't want to be married. Understand and accept that at any given moment, DIVORCE is always an option for him... and you.

Know that this is advice from a married man. You would be better off getting advice from the women in /r/RedpillWives:

All that old shit is in the past. You WERE masculine, aggressive, and altogether unpleasant and unfeminine. That changes now.
Stop questioning his decisions. If he decides something... just let it go. He decided, let him run with it.
If he recruits you to help him do something or asks you to do something for him, or as a matter of something that needs to be done, do so with vigor and happiness. Your husband just let you help him; he is utilizing the captain-first officer model and he wants you to be a part of his team.
If he is successful in something, like he wins something, or displays something he made or built, praise him. Praise him not like a child but with reverence.
Don't ever insult him to his face or in private with friends. Never belittle, demean, or bemoan him or what he does to others. If others insult or belittle him in front of you, do not associate with these people in the short term, defend your husband, and if that behavior continues, know that these people are not friends of yours if they are belittling your husband. He is your husband and you should show respect to him in private and in public and when alone with him. He is a reflection of you and you of him. Belittling him does little to show value on your part.
Make him feel like a man. The best way to do this is through sex. If sex has been strafishy, then turn up the dial on that. I'm not saying to fake an orgasm... that's dishonest and disrespectful. I'm saying that sex should be fun and enjoyable... make it so. If you look like a wet rag during sex, he will not enjoy sex with you and will not want to interact with you. Sex is about the best barometer for a marriage.
Don;'t reject sex from him. You may not be into it but I guarantee that you will GET into it if you let yourself. Rejecting sex from a man is basically saying that you don't find him attractive.
To combine 6 and 7: if you are having sex... THEN HAVE SEX. Don't half ass it.
If you work part time, then you should DEFINITELY be working the rest of the time at home: cooking, cleaning, etc. Basically, classic gender roles int he home. If you work full time, this changes, but ultimately he has his gender-specific roles and you have yours. If you make the excuse that you can't vacuum the house because you work full time then his excuse that he can't mow the lawn because he works full time. If everyone thought this way, nothing gets done. You have a house, a home, and a family. Do your part to take care of it and let him do his part.

All of this basically comes down to one premise: be submissive. I'm not saying that you become a non person. You are welcome to make your own decisions, but when he is involved, you should be deferring to him. At first I would do this totally. Eventually has he grows to trust you, a teamwork aspect can become the norm. As it is now, I doubt he wants to be on your team.

Ask /r/RedPillWomen and /r/RedPillWives on being a submissive wife. Also, a popular book over there is "The Surrendered Wife" (I think it's called.) Try reading that for a starting point.

Boesman12 · 2016-06-23T18:30:52+00:00

Research nofap. See why the guy there do it. Your guy is whacking it to some internet pixels so much that he's got fuck all left for you at the end of the day.

I might be wrong about my assesment, but I'm willing to put some money on it.

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2016-06-23T18:55:03+00:00

I think you're getting bad advice here, because you're asking men, and they're telling you what they think they want in a woman - but not what they actually want.

My advice would be to (1) increase your sexual attractiveness, and (2) decrease your sexual availability to your husband. You're always there for him when he needs you, so he doesn't value you. Make yourself scarce and that'll change.

EDIT: Lol. I knew I'd be down voted to hell, but you guys are missing the point. My advice wouldn't work on anyone at this site, but that's because we've all lived through this shit, internalized MRP, and came out the other side determined never to make the same mistake again. But the vast majority of men are not that way. The right playbook if you're a woman is to do what women have always done, because it usually works. In fact, I'll bet it worked for most of the guys on this site for years before they stumbled their way here.

Everybody is giving her advice on how to make her husband happy. But she's not trying to make him happy - in fact, sounds like he's already happy. She's trying to make herself happy. Giving him what he wants is as foolish for a woman as giving a woman what she wants is for a man.

It's a rivalry. If you're gonna give advice to the other team, you gotta read from their playbook.

Title	Husband No Longer Passionate
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	98
Date	June 23, 2016 5:31 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4phxyi/husband_no_longer_passionate/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/husband-no-longer-passionate.207371 https://theredarchive.com/post/207371

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