Kicked gf out

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December 14, 2015

Early Sunday morning I kicked my GF out of 1 year (We don't live together, she was sleeping over) for breaking one of the boundaries I had set with her.

Friday night we were laying down together and she got a text message from her ex saying "hey" - I've made it very clear I will not tolerate communicating with exs and she seems to understand, or so i thought.

She assured me she will/would not respond.

I wake up early Sunday morning because her phone goes off and it's a text from him, saying "Yes" so it was very obvious she responded in some manner.

I took a few moments to collect my thoughts, woke her up and told her that I know she responded to her ex after telling me to my face that she wouldn't. I kept my cool, told her she was a liar and that I was done with her.

The rest of the day I had about 10 missed calls and a bunch of texts apologizing, trying to tell me how they are just friends and barely ever talk and all this shit. I think it's important to note that they dated for 8 years in total, which makes me feel insecure about our relationship and it plays a part in why I want him to be gone from her life for good.

We barely communicated, I responded to one or two texts while drunk but I didn't give her much info - she also said that she "loves me" something we have never exchanged before. I ignored it.

My question for those that take the time to respond, am I being to harsh here? Do any of you allow exs in your partners life if they "promise and plead" that it is platonic? - talking maybe once a month, "checking in on how their family is doing?" Never hanging out? What's the point?

How should I handle ex's in the future? I feel that by trying to tell her who she can and can't speak to, reduces my power over her. I have no complaints otherwise with the relationship. She keeps me happy, we have sex as much as I want, and she helps around the house and cooks for me.

Post Information
Title Kicked gf out
Author CaptainRP
Upvotes 8
Comments 29
Date 14 December 2015 05:41 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

Girls don't talk to exes just to "catch-up". She either still wants him back or wants to keep him on standby if things get bad with you. I would never tolerate my gf talking to any exes, or any guys she's ever fucked before. Obviously I won't physically stop her if she wants to talk to them, she just won't be in a relationship with me anymore if she chooses to. You made the right decision. Also, there are plenty of other girls out there who will do all those same things you mentioned that she does, but without the lying and talking to ex's. She's nothing special, get that out of your head.

[–]CaptainRP[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

They were in relationship from 14 - 22.

She told me that he was a huge part of her life, blah blah, no more sexual feelings, she only sees him as a friend, and that if I dump her she wouldn't go back to him anyways.

My struggle is that I can accept that it's a long time to be with someone, and it may be harder to discard that person aside.

"Theres no bad blood and they are still friends, they dont hate each other"

I take everything she says with a grain of salt, though. I don't want to become another story you see on the main sub.

At what point do I say fuck it and let it be?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

I've heard this all before. Same old same old.

"I loved him once upon a time."

"I don't feel that way about him anymore."

"He's just a friend."

"I'll always have feelings for him, but just not like that."

"It's just a friend, just texting. That's all."

You did the right thing. It was a boundary you set. She understood the boundary. She violated it, and lied to you about it.

It's done.

[–]CaptainRP[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I know all of this, but it's much harder when it's you in the driver seat.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

I saw it written somewhere around here. It was something like this:

If you ask a girl to do something that is not illegal or wrong and will cost her relatively little, and it's within her power to do it for you, and she either cannot or will not do it, then that should be a strong indicator of how little respect she has for you.

[–]CaptainRP[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She told me that he was a huge part of her life, blah blah, no more sexual feelings, she only sees him as a friend, and that if I dump her she wouldn't go back to him anyways.

She's not lying. He's the ultimate validation/beta bucks. Doesn't mean she wouldn't fuck him a time or two if the situation was right. Also, you don't need her keeping her #1 orbiter on your ship... you set the boundary, now can you stick to your guns? If you next her on this shit and take her back what kind of precedent are you setting? You could have woken her up and not lost control and kicked her out and set a harder boundary... if she rationalized to you, just tell her she has a choice to make. Now that you kicked her out and caused mass drama good luck when you inevitably take her back. GG frame.

"Theres no bad blood and they are still friends, they dont hate each other"

She broke up with him because he turned into a beta. He still wants to fuck her/be with her so he will constantly hit her up. Something is wrong with you/your relationship so she is keeping him in orbit (not to mention AWALT). She knows right now if you dump her she'll have all the emotions and feels she can handle from this other guy because he's made it clear he's always going to be waiting on deck.

You should have not lost control and set a harder boundary. "I saw your phone and I know you responded to your ex. You specifically told me that you weren't going to do that."

And.... IMO (maybe unpopular here) you're just making this guy more attractive by saying she "can't" talk to him. Girls want things that represent status and things they can't have. You setting such a strict and overt boundary is making her question why you're so threatened by this guy she already wrote off as a beta/emotional tampon.... so she's thinking, "man maybe I misjudged him."

My opinion is that you monitor interactions with exes (is he texting her all the time and she says "hey" back and then a few texts in stops responding? or is she continuously trying to hold conversations with him/flirt?) and draw a hard line at them physically hanging out. If she's texting him all the time (and not hiding it b/c she doesn't think you care - see the positives?) you would then have options of nexting because she's probably not LTR material, bringing up boundaries then, or going an alternate route like teasing her for leading on a guy who is clearly in love with her for the sake of personal validation (she'll deny but she knows inside it's true).

TLDR: You failed here. This was all a big fucking shit test and you lost frame. If the US accidentally invades Russian airspace, they don't shoot down the plane without warning. I think you should have fired a warning shot and been very clear on your boundary and the lying shit as well. I don't think nexting her was the worst choice, because hey... I mean nexting is almost never the wrong choice, but if you even have any thoughts about taking her back now you're going to take a hit to your frame because she thinks you hand out bullshit ultimatums that you don't have the balls to stick to.

[–]chief_slap_ahoe1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

^ this exactly

[–]Griever1146 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just want to add to this a bit:

If you decide to let her back into your life, your frame will be absolute shit. This was a glorified shit test and an affront to your frame/self:

  1. She lied to your face that she would stop

  2. She did it anyways (shows NO respect for your boundaries)

  3. Is making excuses AFTER the fact.

If he was such an important part of her life, she should have made this argument BEFORE lying to you.

Dump the trash and go no contact. She is not a quality woman.

[–]jacktenofheartsRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You set a boundary, but you recognize it's literally just a chalk line on the ground. If she's not a shitty person, she won't cross the boundary. But you recognize that nothing, really, can stepping over whenever she wants to. That's why what she did is so fucked up. You said, look, go wherever you want, just don't step over this line, I can't stop you from doing it, but it's important to me that you don't.

And what'd she do? Stepped over the goddamn line. So you can't trust her. You literally cannot trust her. Every time her cell phone beeps, every time she's vague about plans, every time you walk into a room and hear her say, 'oh hey I have t go bye.' did she step over the line? Maybe! How do you know? You already know she did it?

You're not controlling her social life. You're just stating boundaries. If you were married and had kids, it may be worth deconstructing why she did this, and how badly she stepped over the line, but this is barely an LTR. I'm sure she fucks a lot and she's sweet, but she also has a weak grasp of consequences.

Eventually she'll date some guy who doesn't to past plate status because he's still obsessed with his ex, and that's when she'll realize what she did was shitty. Or she'll say, "please don't do X, I can't stop you but it's important to me," and have done X to her a week later. But until then she literally can't comprehend what's the big deal and why the consequences seen so severe.

Just tell her you think she's just too emotionally invested in her ex for this to work out long-term. It's not controlling or mate guarding. Mate guarding is when you demand to see her texts every day to make sure he didn't text . you don't want to stop her from talking to her ex. You want to date a girl who you don't even have to tell that to, and would respect your request if you did make it explicit. This is just you pointing out a boundary and then ending a relationship when it was clear your girlfriend didn't care about that boundary.

[–]ma-trpta2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

To me, the point isn't that she's in contact with the Ex. The point is that she lied to you about it.

I'm a newbie and my opinion isn't worth the used toilet paper I wrote it on, but lying should be the real crossed boundary here.

Did she delete the texts in between the "hey" and the "yes"? If so, she's being shady about it and covering something up - even if it's just that she's in contact with him - and that crosses the lying line.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No, that's pretty succinct.

[–]enfier2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I never do controlling. I can't control her behavior, I can just choose my reaction to it. At some level you know that every woman out there has an imagined "backup" plan and sometimes it's an ex. I certainly know what my wife's backup plans are, but my continuous self improvement and high standards mean that any backup would be a serious downgrade. You'd be lying to yourself if you pretended you didn't have a backup woman somewhere in the back of your mind too. It's human nature.

Telling your LTR that she can't do something makes your frame weaker and increases the temptation to do it. If my wife wants to leave me for her backup, I'll help her pack her shit. I wouldn't even be angry. Why would I waste my time being in a relationship with a woman that thinks she'd rather be with someone else?

Rather than say she can't, I say that I find such contact inappropriate for a person in a committed relationship. I don't talk to my exes and I'm not going to make my wife compete with my imagination because the dream is always better than the reality.

I draw the line at physical meetings. If my wife were to physically meet up with an ex without me present, she'd find herself removed from the house. It's a lot easier to listen to logic when the contact is over the phone, it's a lot easier to give into feels when the contact is in person.

[–]CaptainRP[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the reply, reading what you wrote helped piece together some of my thoughts.

What worries me is that the texting leaves a door open for a possible meet.

[–]fakefalse0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Are you in or out? There is technology to block her entirely.

Hard next & Ghost.

[–]the_Zambony2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

they are just friends

For some insight on this common phrase, read, "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

am I being to harsh here?

Fuck no. You have boundaries. They become useless if they are not enforced.

I feel that by trying to tell her who she can and can't speak to, reduces my power over her.

Honestly, you have no power over her anyway you look at it. If she wants to cheat on you she will and nothing you do or say will stop it.

What you do have are boundaries (no talking/seeing exes) and consequences (we are done) for crossing them. However, you have to follow through and enforce them. If you don't, she will not respect you, ever again and you can expect more of the same.

Do any of you allow exs in your partners life if they "promise and plead" that it is platonic?

Any time there are 'exes' lurking in the background, you can count on bad news. Here is how it goes:

  • We were just catching up.

  • He was going through a rough breakup.

  • He understands me and I understand him.

  • I feel I have no one else to talk to about this stuff.

  • It is just a meetup for coffee.

  • We just hung out at his apartment/house for a little while.

  • It was just a hug/kiss.

  • It was just a short make out.

  • It was just feeling each other up, over the clothes of course.

  • It was just oral.

  • It was just one time.

  • It was multiple times in any position he wanted.

edit formatting

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Are your boundaries important, or aren't they?

It's up to you whether this is too far or not. But if it's a show stopper, then it's a show stopper.

This is how vetting works. If you're with someone who thinks staying in contact with an 8 year ex is in anyway acceptable (unless it's a baby daddy scenario, which is a red flag itself) then do you really want to put in the effort to put up with it?

I'd rather find someone who isn't alpha widowed with their ex.

I had my dick in crazy, once (sure... once) Charlie... I remember she pulled all kinds of bullshit, and I sucked it up, because hot chicks fuck well. Tried calling me out of the blue a few years later, reminiscing. I showed it to the girl I was dating at the time (current spouse) and we had a good laugh over it.

Time heals all wounds, but it sure as fuck doesn't remove the memories.

[–]CaptainRP[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

My boundaries are important, absolutely - but isn't context important?

I learned the "no exs" from TRP, however there has to be certain scenarios where it's OK within certain guidelines?

I suppose I wrote this to hear how other men would react to similar situations.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

of course it is.

Seems like a good thing to talk about before contacting him.

you feel bad becuase you hurt a girls feelings. get over it.

[–]CaptainRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

contacting him?

feel bad because I hurt a girls feelings?

What are you talking about..?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There are exceptions, and she would have told you about them before contacting him.

You sound like you feel bad, and are asking people if you went to far (as if we were the judges of your behaivour) because you feel bad you hurt a girl.

It's put in here that you can't control women, but you tried, so might as well own it. you laid out what you put up with, and she crossed the line, keeping it from you because 'reasons'

what... you think this is the only barrier she would then try to circumvent? You think you're ready to have a girl respect your boundries? Based off the little I see here, theres a no on both.

Continue with the breakup (or demote her to plate status, guarantee her Ex already has, now) and work on being the kind of man who a girl wouldn't dream of having an ex orbiter (way worse than one that hasn't been inside her) on the sly.

Though she will always have some kind of backup plan, so I wouldn't go off half cocked if there was 0 chance of it being an alpha widow scenario

[–]Trekneck1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Whatever the rest of us do is irrelevant.

Your boundaries are your boundaries. Keeping in touch with the ex-boyfriend is a deal breaker for you? Let it break the deal then, move on and don't look back.

Your other option, of course, is to allow her to break your boundaries, and instead throw a pissing whiny tantrum about how she upset you, betrayed your trust and that you can't believe how she'd do this behind your back. But that option leaves you in a weak position, and tells her that she can ignore your boundaries entirely, so long as she's capable of handling a tantrum when she does it.

[–]BleedingWithPassion1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You killed it buddy. Not many have that sort of courage. I don't think it was harsh especially if you set guidelines before the relationship took off, she should know when not to cross the line, she made a mistake she's trying to own up to but you've stuck to your words. That's honesty and what she was doing was deceptive, good call.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Some bitch says "she loves you" and you're quivering in insecurity and self doubt about your boundaries like a little bitch?

C'mon man

[–]CaptainRP[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

No, not at all.

I added it because it shows what length they will go to cover their ass.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Whatever bullshit you gotta tell yourself.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I see one problem with just nexting her. So many people are not used to people being firm with their boundaries. They can't imagine there'd be actual consequences that they couldn't just "I'm sorry" their way out from. The chances of finding a girl who will think that you're serious about your boundaries before you've enforced them are unfortunately pretty slim.

It's like rookies in boot camp, they need to learn discipline first and until they learn they'll fuck up a lot. If you kicked out everyone who fucked up in boot camp there'd be no soldiers. After boot camp however, it's a different matter: what back then got your squad a 1 mile stretcher race with gas masks now gets you a dishonorable discharge.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are obviously looking for an excuse to take her back so here you go. Treat it like a cheating wife that would be to expensive to divorce. According to Athol Kay (May Peace Be Upon Him) you take her back with a Level 5 ultimatum: No contact with affair partner. Open social media, sex on demand etc.

However, since your not married, the only possible answer is neexxxt.

[–]exbp-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

If I don't fulfill all your man needs, there's the door. If I do then send this guy a Christmas card once a year and nothing more. There is no in-between with me.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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