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Vampiresquid's husband

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[deleted]
November 19, 2015
18 upvotes

Hello MRP,

Vampiresquid is my wife. She told me she'd posted here, and I am beyond pissed. I haven't looked at Reddit in a long time and I didn't get to read her post. It sounds like she stirred a lot of shit, and for that I apologize. She also said you all wanted to hear my side of the story, so here it is. (This is my first time posting on Reddit, so sorry if the formatting sucks.)

I'm 36 and she's 34. We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. We lived together for a year before getting hitched. We have 2 kids (1 boy, 1 girl), and she is a good mother. We actually have a pretty good sex life. I guess I'm lucky that we're compatible that way and she just likes sex.

I found the red pill about 1.5 years ago. I'd been feeling pissed off and frustrated at work and at home, and I'd just seen my best friend completely screwed over by his wife (cheated on and then divorce raped) so the red pill ideas resonated with me. I realized that I'd been fucking things up my entire life by being a Nice Guy who needed external validation while blaming other people for my problems. I also admitted to myself that I was basically being a lazy motherfucker in general. It was holding me back from being successful at work and enjoying my life. So I decided to man up.

I read NMMNG and spent a lot of time on Rational Male and Red Pill Room, and some time lurking on MRP and TRP. I started lifting, dressing better, and working on my social skills by striking up conversations with random people and flirting with women as much as possible. I reconnected with my buds and started hanging out with them a couple times a week. I'm doing shit for myself, and cultivating an IDGAF attitude if those things are inconvenient for my wife.

It's been paying off in a lot of ways. I've been taking on more responsibility and standing out more at work, and got a small promotion as a result. I'm taking care of shit around the house, instead of asking the wife to call a plumber, etc. I'm spending more time with my kids, taking them places and teaching them stuff. And, I'm getting more attention from women. This has been a revelation for me, as I've never thought I was very attractive.

Here's where my wife comes in. She is, honestly, drop-dead gorgeous. When we met, she had just quit a career in modeling and had been earning enough from that to put herself through college. Even at 34, she gets shitloads of male attention, and guys have hit on her right in front of me, knowing we were together. Before RP, I did the typical beta thing and put her on a pedestal and bent over backward to make her happy. Even though she's beautiful and fairly intelligent, she has low self-esteem (from her crappy childhood) and I basically became a validation faucet for her. And I got the validation of being the average looking dude with the smoking hot girlfriend/wife.

I decided it's time to end all that. I'm slowly killing my oneitis, and I'm showing my wife that I'm an attractive man with options and important stuff to do. I'm the prize now. I'm not her validation faucet anymore, and I'm not dependent on her, either. I love her, and I love my kids more than anything, and I want to lead us to better things. But she's both insecure and strong willed, and now that she's learned about MRP, she has lost her mind. It's just like one big hamster in there. It's like I'm under a microscope, and she always thinks that I'm wanting to leave her or I'm trying to trick her with some tactic. Sometimes I get things like "oh, are you being 'alpha'?" It's fucking infuriating.

Her finding out about MRP was an extreme fuck-up on my part, and I don't know where to go from here. Do any of you have experience with a wife finding out about MRP and fighting you over it?


Post Information
Title Vampiresquid's husband
Author
Upvotes 18
Comments 81
Date 19 November 2015 05:35 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207891
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3teawd/vampiresquids_husband/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Absolutely zero surprises here.
 
You're still trying to prove something to her. Stop it. You're still looking for external validation, you're just too blind to see it. The focus of your self-improvement is yourself. Your implementation of active dread here makes no sense other than punishing her for being more attractive than you. Quit being a dick and just be awesome.
 
Passive dread is hard when your SMV is lower than your wife's. Your life is improving, your SMV is rising, hers is gradually falling. You are getting respect from her except when you try active dread. You are getting the quantity and quality of sex that you want. It sounds like she is bringing value to your life. Yet you are implementing techniques that are usually used when those conditions are not satisfied.
 
Your wife on the AWALT-unicorn scale is closer to unicorn than most of the wives of our subscribers. She's closer to unicorn than my wife, and I haven't had to go beyond dread level 5.
 
You are both incapable of assertive communication. Both of you, for the love of God, please read and apply WISNIFG. Go back through dread stages 1-5, and spend a good long while at stage 5 while you both get over your lifelong self esteem issues. And please, please read /u/jacktenofhearts responses to your wife before you fuck things up.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I haven't read WISNIFG. I'll get it and have her read it, too. Thanks for the suggestion.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm glad to see you respond. I wasn't sure what kind of ego you'd have.
 
NMMNG resonated with you, and applying what you read has had a positive impact in many ways. The MRP sidebar has a list of useful books that might not have been there when you first looked around that can have an equally dramatic impact. After WISNIFG you can consider MMSLP and MAP. It's backwards from the order suggested by most, but there's a method to my madness.
 
My impression of your wife lurking around here is that she has issues that make her uncomfortable with conflict. She has a hard time being direct and gets emotionally overwhelmed. You have been her emotional safety net. You should still be her emotional safety net, but from a position of masculine strength. The oak metaphor mentioned by BluepillProfessor in this thread is a good one. The books listed above and the confidence that comes from self-improvement can help with that.
 
If you want some understanding of how PUA and IDGAF can work without the resentment and frustration, The Book of Pook is outstanding, fun, and free.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (47 children) | Copy

Going to ammend. I agre with /u/iratemd . this has nothing to do with her. you're insecure, you don't value yourself, and you seem to want to prove something with her. /u/whinemoreplease had a great point, where she probably wasn't a shit wife, but just not able to self reflect on what she needs, but the fact that she came here and honestly hung out in the locker room says a lot.

I get it, you married above your SMV. you're insecure about it, and trying to fix it. Get the chip off your shoulder and just be the better man. Other guys are going to hit on her... thank them, wouldn't it suck if everyone avoided her like the plague? she won't look one day and think that you lied to her all those years.

if shes fucking on the regular, you don't need dread. the rest is just taking the reigns. since she's seen MRP for the most part, and seems receptive, just own it. K hun, heres the roadmap, since you're on board, heres what we have to do.

Now you're leading, and she's submitting. you promise her a happier life, with a more cofident man. who woudn't want that? Go be awesome.


~~This is the tamest pill I've read. ~~

~~Keep doing what you're doing... I get the impression this is what goes through girls heads before the main event. ~~

As for the dead, why active? It sounds like you want to improve your leadership and oi, the sex is good, why dread past 5? As for getting called out, good. Ok babe, if this is technique x, then just submit and do behaviour y and I can get back to rewarding good behaviour. Kiss on forehead, Pat on butt

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As for getting called out, good. Ok babe, if this is technique x, then just submit and do behaviour y and I can get back to rewarding good behaviour. Kiss on forehead, Pat on butt

Ding Ding, bonus for maintaining frame and amused mastery

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (45 children) | Copy

The dread is to drive the point home to her that she's not on a pedestal anymore, and that I'm killing my oneitis. She's been he prize for too long. She gets so much male attention, I'm counteracting that by giving my attention to other women. Plus, it'll boost my SMV in her eyes to see other chicks give me IOIs.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret9 points10 points  (15 children) | Copy

Dread is not for that. It is not to punish her for being hot. That kind of thinking is oneitis, insecure and comes out of beta resentement.

Dread is to make her desire you sexually to improve the quality or quantity of sex.

Why are you doing these things? What is it in your marriage that you want to fix?

If what you want to fix is your own self image, it has nothing to do with her. If what you want to fix is her self image, it has nothing to do with this sub.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (14 children) | Copy

I'm not trying to punish her, but for her to respect me she's got to know I have options. She's got options coming out of the woodwork, so it's hard to get her to appreciate that I have them, too.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy

If you are having the quality and quantity of sex you want, why are you worried about whether you're overtly displaying you have options? What is the point? Is there a behavior change you want from her or do you just not like her getting so much attention?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

I want her to respect me and follow my lead, and my demonstrating that I'm a high value man promotes that. Right now she is fighting me for control.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Control of... Finances? Your time outside the home? How the kids are handled?

If for example you lay out the vision for a vacation or even a Saturday afternoon, does she defy you outright and belittle the plan?

I'm not trying to be difficult. You seem to want control of...something. She kind of sounded like she's willing to help you get there. But it seems unclear what you want fixed or changed. What is it exactly?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

His wife had commented about his reaction when she disagreed with him about minor things. That means she is fighting him on insignificant details and minor issues at least some of the time.
 
She's definitely not blameless, and it was pointed out to her by several people here. He's not fucking up a perfect marriage. She picked him partly because she could act badly and he would say "yes dear." Now they both have to develop some new skills.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Clearly each have their own issues. But mixing them up here only increases their blame game. When she posted, I focused on telling her the shit she had to change, and forget about him changing at all. Now that he is posting, i suggest we tell him the shit HE has to change, and to never expect her to change.

ANything else is just feeding his hamster and her hamster, making their problems worse.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As you've probably guessed, that comment was for sexyshoulderdevil. The comments in this thread were turning into a dog pile. My comments elsewhere in the thread were for OP.
 
They need to learn how to deal with conflict in a way that is healthy for both of them. Practice makes perfect.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

She'll initially go along with a plan I have, and then want to pick it apart. She just can't relax and follow. It extends to all different areas (kids, home maintenance, finances, and even Saturday afternoons).

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Because you look for her approval, she can't trust you. Look at the problem, own your shit, handle it all. Say "Babe, i'm handling it".

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

For her to respect you all you have to do is respect yourself.

Again i ask: what is the problem in your marriage?

Dread is about about respect. Dread is about tingles.

To lead well you have to focus on your vision, NOT on teaching her her place. Not to be controlling just because you are insecure and it makes you feel powerful.

You know that kind of boss that acts all bossy and angry in an incoherent way to feel strong and nobody respects? That is what you are doing right now. Be the cool headed boss that gets shit done.

This is what i think: you are in the anger stage and fucking up. All your actions are about changing her and teaching her. While you have that mindset you are beta and fucking up your marriage more.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

you are in the anger stage and fucking up. All your actions are about changing her and teaching her. While you have that mindset you are beta and fucking up your marriage more.

I thought that from the beginning the second I saw Vamps post. A controlling wife with a dude in the anger stage. What could go wrong?

To lead well you have to focus on your vision, NOT on teaching her her place.

Do people really get that "MRP is about teaching the woman her place" from what we write? I sure hope not.

For the record, MRP is about YOU and improving YOU. It is about leading and leading her, NOT about "forcing" her to follow. Granted with the whole Dread thing it is strong medicine to induce her to at least follow your lead when you initiate sex....however, submission is a choice, not something you force on a woman. Getting "submission" from a wife in all the other areas of your life (except sex where Dread is the shiznit) means you have to demonstrate leadership competence NOT that you batter her into submission.

I can't believe I even have to explain that! Did we overlook something and how many guys are doing this?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

I said this in reply to to someone else, but I'll reiterate here to get your opinion. She's arguing over little things, shit testing me and somehow I am failing. Obviously I have more work to do. I had hoped that the dread (seeing that I've improved my social skills and am attractive to other women) would help, but it sounds like it's the wrong tool for the job.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Women always shit test about stupid shit. AWALT.

You are failing shit tests by getting pissy. This is why she shit tests sooo much. Stop getting butt hurt by the shit tests. Embrace them, they are a feature of man-woman relationships. Enjoy them.

Only when you start enjoying the tests, you really start passing them, and she starts trusting you.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Dread is definitely a hammer, not the fine screwdriver you need.

I really appreciate this by the way because I was able to clarify in my book that Dread is for sexual denials and is unlikely to make the Shit Testing or unpleasant behavior better.

I am pretty sure the real tool you need is Sex God Method.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (8 children) | Copy

She's calling you out because you are transparent and you are using it as a poorly veiled communication with a covert contract on how she is supposed to react. Be a man and state your expectations. Your half-assed implementation of MRP is going to blow up your marriage. You have to do the basics first. Keep raising your SMV, kill the covert contracts, and learn to be direct.
 
Addendum:
Just to clarify, I am telling you that you are still at the stage where attempts at active dread come across as pathetic, creepy, manipulative, and angry. It lowers your SMV in her eyes at this stage and it may never be something that you need to do.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

It lowers your SMV in her eyes

If she's so disgusted and it's lowering my SMV, wouldn't she stop fucking me? That's what I would expect based on RP.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You've been raising your SMV in other ways by improving yourself over the past year. She's happy that you're taking time to play soccer and make friends, and she's proud of what you've accomplished at work.
Keep the self-improvement going. Never allow yourself to become complacent. Your job is to be the best version of yourself. Keep developing new skills. Keep raising the bar for yourself and your whole family will follow.
 
Edit: autocorrect

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

RP is a template or a cheat sheet, not the entire program.

In order to read the lines in the code for YOUR marriage you need to learn RP and THEN adapt it to your particular situation. RP explains trends. Even when we say "AWALT" we don't mean that EVERY woman will cheat when they are ovulating and run into the first haawt Alpha who seduces them. What we mean by AWALT is that ALL women have the tendency to cheat during ovulation with a hawt guy.

AWALT- all women will cut off sex with a dude who beta's up. That doesn't mean the ALL women will suddenly stop having sex. AWALT means that ALL women are turned off by Beta behaviors- whether they get turned off enough to stop having sex altogether is very much an individual issue.

I think a LOT of those Deadbedroom marriages with women saying they want to fuck but hubby doesn't is because the woman is so turned off by the husband that he gets turned off and stops fucking her. She would still fuck and wants to, but hubby knows she finds him disgusting on a visceral level.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Your last paragraph was exactly what I was thinking about today and relates back to a post I made some time ago about dead bedroom wives who want sex with their beta husbands....but the husbands don't want sex. It is a nuance that seems pretty important and might explain to detractors (not sure if we really care though) why so many men are here. But flushing out the theory further could help guys who get sex no matter what but can't get the rest. Like OP. And if that is the case, does MRP morph into something beyond just sexual strategy....and should it.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

We could call it neo-masculinity but that is taken.

I really like the idea of developing a full blown theory of "Marriage 3.0. Maybe my next book will be:

"Marriage 3.0: Love in the Ruins"

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

This issue with women wanting sex from beta husbands has been an itch I can't scratch. This Red Pill theory does an awesome job decoding a lot of women. But then there is a segment of women - again I don't know if I have this right - that defy the rules and still want sex despite the fact what we know says they shouldn't. It might be a vocal minority causing an outlier effect. But it seems OP actually has one of these women. How does the exception to the rule work or am I missing something that has already been explained in the framework.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

How does the exception to the rule work or am I missing something that has already been explained in the framework.

MRP is male sexual strategy. We have no idea how the female exception works. That is one of the things I am personally interested in figuring out, however.

[–]BradPill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe OP's wife (still) needs sex for the emotional connection and confirmation (of his love for her).
And, perhaps she's only a tad smarter than OP (which wouldn't take much, based on his high-school attitude) in recognizing that withholding sex (to whatever extent), would drive OP into some other bed - as he now feels completely rejected, which his little ego can't deal with. So, to save her marriage with the man she truly loves and married, she complies?

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Continuing to dread her at this level is like taking a puppy who is already potty trained out to the backyard and rubbing his face in his shit...just because people keep complimenting how easily he took to being potty trained. Doesn't make a lot of sense. And is likely going to confuse the fuck out of the puppy as he wonders what else is he supposed to do to make you happy.

Your current dread level is a product of your own insecurities. You can't punish others for that.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Active Dread is used because it activates the tingles. It is highly seductive for a woman to realize that her man is desired by other women. However, it is often not so seductive if she thinks there is a good chance he will act on those opportunities.

Show that she is not on a pedestal any more by treating her like she is your loving wife, not your superior.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

that'll show her, youre the man!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

OP might not realize you're joking here.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

damn... i hope hes read on external validation

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

/u/Jacktenofhearts had OP nailed in that other thread. Jack10 needs a crystal ball icon next to his name...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He's first generation mrp for a reason

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Do any of you have experience with a wife finding out about MRP and fighting you over it?

Yah, I became a moderator and wrote a book on the topic. Blogging is just a fun hobby and my wife doesn't have to approve or disapprove. Perhaps it is a vice rather than a virtue, who knows?

"oh, are you being 'alpha'?"

Yes I am, it was sweet of you to notice. Nothing new there- your wife accused me of "gaming her" when I tried to be nice and explain why the mods moved her along from AskMRP.

I've never thought I was very attractive.

Have your read Rollo's SMV chart? The reason this is happening right now is because your wife can feeeeeeeel her eggs turning to dust. She is hitting the wall, bro and she knows that her privilege of being the "hot one" is soon going to be gone no matter what happens. If you continue unplugging it will be much sooner rather than later, thus the opposition and urgency. Her Hamster is running at 10,000 mph. I argued with the other mods that we could talk her down but I lost the vote because to many to many of you White Knight "woman hating" guys were feeding her hamster radioactive rodent juice and Strat in particular thought we were doing her more harm than good.

Second, why are you "pissed?" Your wife obviously loves you and is doing what she can to stay married to you. Make sure you know the difference between a woman who needs reassurance and comfort and a woman who needs more IDGAF. Make an effort to take more of a lead in bringing her emotions to a positive place when she is behaving.

The MRP plan is to reward her with validation for good behavior, remove validation for bad behavior, and reset every day.

There is nothing wrong with some "Beta." You don't have a marriage when your attitude is always IDGAF. Try to be more "Oak" (both Alpha attractive/hot AND Beta comforting/helfpul) at the same time.

Don't remove all validation from your wife just because you are trying to be more Alpha. The "Family Alpha" provides both validation, comfort, AND tingles.

One more thing, help is probably coming if your wife actually reads the book I recommended.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Second, why are you "pissed?"

I'm just angry that she would come on here, to a message board for men, and discuss our issues. Her hamstering is embarrassing.

help is probably coming if your wife actually reads the book I recommended.

She mentioned that she'd bought a book based on what you guys said. It would be great if it helps.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Who cares what she reads. You have t read the basicd yet. The one that isnt doing his work is you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

My wife found and read all my earlier field reports.

HERE is my victim pukey post on nmmng right after it happened 10ish months ago.

So yeah, I was pretty down about it. But after an uncertain month, I really just kept at it. She came to me and told me she saw mrp as "my guy space". Like we always say ACTIONS won out over words and I kept at it like a pack mule. One day, several weeks later, she symbolically shredded all the posts she had printed and swore off ever reading what I post. I guess she finally saw that I was doing it to save our sinking ship. Whether she stands by that or not is really on her. It changes nothing on my end.

All MRP and RP is, is a set of tolls and jargon for shit our dads should have told us. I think most wives know deep down they're emotional and irrational creatures. And while it may be fun that we have trouble figuring them out sometimes, once they grow up they realize we become shitty husbands if we STILL haven't figured out how to handle them. She openly criticizes if I don't lead. She'll try to reframe O.I. (when I get sick of a particular shit test and leave) as a "power play" or "game" so she's not using rp jargon and I actually feel like the toolset is now back in order.

She enjoys the benefits of a traditional marriage. I didn't leave. And we have no more dead bed. Our money is now back on track, and here I am (modding too) on boards trying to pay this shit forward. Your wife may be grappling with trying to understand all of this, but actions are the compounding dividend that end up making your marriage rich. Like I let go of even trying to understand why her biology makes all of this necessary, the quicker she stops trying to quantify it all and just go with the flow then things will seem smoother.

Lastly: her finding out about MRP is just one more combo shit/comfort test that can manifest as a main event. But the genie is out of the bottle, you know now. You swallowed the pill. You just can't go back to be that clueless beta floating along. It's too late. You have the Rosetta stone now.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Reading your story helps. I hope I can turn things around the way you did. Thanks

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

No need to apologize. We tried to work with her a bit and tell her that if you were on RP that something was clearly not working for you. All she could do was retreat to ideas that were all basically equivalent to "I'm not in control anymore and I don't like it." Eventually one of our mods gave her a push toward either working with the women at RPW or to retire because we were at an impasse.

At any rate thanks for posting. This will be a useful lesson for our sub. There are several guys in here who need to learn not to feed the hamster. One can't take what women say at face value; hell that's a core RP tenet and yet when women post here our guys forget everything they think they know and rush in to 'help'.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

when women post here our guys forget everything they think they know and rush in to 'help'.

Damn white knights sure don't seem like women haters to me.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy

By the way, here's the OP:

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3spbff/wife_needing_advice

Sometimes I get things like "oh, are you being 'alpha'?" It's fucking infuriating.

Problem solved. Those are shit tests that you are failing by getting "infuriated". You are breaking frame there. She's trying to shame you (perhaps subconsciously) about what you are doing, and it's working. You need to stop losing your shit when she tests you like this.

By the way, it's really great to see you in here. I had some PM conversation with your wife and encouraged her to come over here for the male perspective. I think I picked her up on /r/redpillwomen. I think that she really sounds like she wants "this" to work, but it sounded like she was bitter about your attitude. The consensus was that you were doing something wrong. I think you've made great progress and your attitude seems straight. Just stop failing those obvious shit tests and you'll turn this shit around.

Her post caused a but of drama, but there is no need to apologise. Hamsters gonna hamster, and she actually did seem to be taking some if this on board. The fact that she told you and asked you to come here speaks volumes about her mindset. If she didn't like what you were doing, she'd be dragging you to therapy or something, not sending you back here for a few rounds in the ring with guys "trying to be alpha"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

You're right. I am failing her shit tests. Here's how it usually goes : she tests me, I either STFU and ignore her or try AA/AM, she escalates the issue by getting teary and calling me an asshole, and then I get a little frustrated and pissed. At that point, I usually walk away, but she'll follow me and then we end up yelling at each other. I need to control my temper and not lose frame, but I'm finding that hard, especially now that she knows about MRP.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

She found mrp because you fucked up. You havent even read all the beginner stuff. You think this is about teaching your wife her place and punishing her. It is so pathetic.

What are the problems in your marriage you want to fix? If it is leadership, the problem is you. Lack of respect? You. Weak self image? Your own fucking issue. Needing validation from her to feel good? Your weakness.

Getting pissy and all those problems worse.

You lack vision. Your actions focus on her always. You are beta as fuck.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I admit, I need to do more of the reading. I just picked up WISNIFG, so I'm going to start there.

And I'm starting to understand what you all are saying about still needing validation from her.

What I'm trying to fix is not being in charge of the marriage, or of our family. She's been handling just about everything (kids, money, house stuff, our social lives, etc.) and doesn't want to let go. She wants to argue with me over shit that doesn't matter, when she should just let me handle it. And unfortunately she's super articulate (despite the hamstering and crying) and I'm just not. It's hard to win those arguments, so I usually STFU, but that seems to get me nowhere.

I would think that I've proven myself with the changes I've made by now, but obviously I have more work to do. I thought the dread thing - seeing me as a man who is desirable to other women - might be the missing piece.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would think that I've proven myself with the changes I've made by now

This is the problem. You still want her approval. She won't give you your balls because she never took them away. They are right there between your legs, and all this time you are barking at her thinking she has them.

I wrote a post about "How to lead a wife that doesn't let you".

Read more of the sidebar. I think you need to review NMMNG as well. You are fucking up more than necessary.

A leader looks at his goal so others follow, not at the followers for approval to have a goal.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret3 points4 points  (11 children) | Copy

The consensus was that you were doing something wrong.

I disagree. All I read was her hamster hamster, saying he was a dick, and she saying she wants to be captain. The rest was feelingz because she isn't in control anymore. From all that hamstering, it is impossible to know what is he doing right or not, but clearly, she is feeling some dread. We all know how women act during the transition, it was all textbook stuff, and I'm surprised so many users believed her she is a 9.5 unicorn and her husband is a "dick" because of feelingz and pussy-pass.

I would advice OP to not even care about what she said. This is all her hamster, and I suspected she wrote all that hoping he would find it, and she now made sure he did. This is some sort of meta-shit test of her and emotional manipulation.

The best way for OP to handle is to NOT address the details of it, focus on himself and his self improvement, and keep going, keep passing those shit tests, dont' fall for the anger, and focus on being an oak now. You've got it.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

The best way for OP to handle is to NOT address the details of it, focus on himself and his self improvement, and keep going, keep passing those shit tests, dont' fall for the anger, and focus on being an oak now.

Yeah. OP admits here that he gets "infuriated" at some of the obvious shit tests that come his way. He's been failing on those, and his wife ended up here looking for a male perspective. She definitely got one. And, we can see the root cause of her initial hamstering was him failing shit tests. If he's losing his shit and throwing temper tantrums, but getting everything else right, it makes sense that his wife would interpret that as him being a total dick. It makes sense that she would spot his "alpha act" a mile off. That's red pill basics. She's shit testing him to confirm his alpha status, and he's been failing those tests.

I enjoyed reading what his wife posted because I was looking "through" what she said to see the red pill man behind it.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

What the man can do: pass shit test, don't let her shake his frame.

What the woman can do: stop being so controlling and manipulative.

What makes it worse: tell the woman the man has to change, especially when it is based only on what the woman says in MRP.

[–]Trekneck2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

She came in here upset over no longer being in control, and then got upset when she wasn't able to get any control (or validation) in here.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy

That was my reading too, from the beginning. This was just a hunch, and we had some mod discussion about it. I didn't have evidence, so we let it play itself out.

But when I saw her braging how she is deserving captain, and she had an SMV of 9.5 10 years ago, so it still counts, and she was a perfect unicorn that didn't need to change. well, i knew her motivation was just manipulation, she wasn't really interested in understanding.

I called her on it on a PM, saying:

I'm going to be even more frank than usual, because I can tell you are somewhat openminded. I suspect you are here posting all these emotional stuff hoping your husband reads what you write, and is manipulated by it. This is precisely why we don't let women in the locker room: they always hamster and try this emotional manipulation. The locker room is a place for men to discuss stuff away from those female dynamics. We need a break from this. The fact you followed your husband here to try to do this stuff to manipulate and control him IS the source of why you are unhappy in your marriage. He might have some problems, but the only problem you can control is to stop being so controlling, that is why your marriage is unhappy.

All you are doing here is just a cope out to not change yourself and blame your husband for you not doing your part in the marriage. Many have already indulged you with detailed explanations about what you can improve, and your hamster dismissed it all. If you can find in yourself something to own without letting your hamster ruin your marriage, go to /r/redpillwomen, and read up on girl game. That stuff is awesome, and is the way for both of you to communicate better.

(emphasis added now, with hope OP sees it).

The fact she then told her husband she was talking about him here makes it clear to me this type of female covert communication was the real reason she was engaging here, and she knew it, and she got scared when I caught her directly.

[–]Trekneck3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Unfortunately from what I saw she didn't take your advice. I checked out her posts sometime during all of it, and she was doing quite a bit of posting in the anti-RP subs. Just like many of the guys who come here to puke, she didn't like the feedback she got and it didn't fit what she wanted, so she went elsewhere to get the validation and "support" she needed.

My hope is that OP sees this, re-ups himself on the sidebar material and starts to lurk, CAREFULLY this time, and utilizes what he can. While not ideal, the benefit of her finding out about RP is that the dynamic of their marriage should be very clear at this point. He made positive changes (probably screwed up some shit tests) and she's getting caught up in her hamster, trying to regain control. Knowing this leaves him in a power position to continue to improve himself, knowing exactly what reaction he's going to get from her as he does it.

She'll either fall in line or get nexted for her unicorn flavored dictator BS.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Unfortunately from what I saw she didn't take your advice. I checked out her posts sometime during all of it, and she was doing quite a bit of posting in the anti-RP subs.

I think she will and her flailing around like that was a very womanly play at validation vampire. Even the name she chose was revealing and quite insightful and her behaviors were so predictable.

Pro Tip for OP: When she starts using girl game on you, for the love of God ENCOURAGE and REWARD IT. Is it manipulation? You bet! Enjoy the ride.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When she starts using girl game on you, for the love of God ENCOURAGE and REWARD IT. Is it manipulation? You bet! Enjoy the ride.

Ha ha! I will. I think she's already started...

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She'll either fall in line or get nexted for her unicorn flavored dictator BS.

Yup. But that was always what was at stake. It has nothing to do with the pill, and all with she deciding if she wants to improve her marriage or not. Her solipsism was too strong, i doubt she will do that.

[–]Trekneck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very good point.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

I hear what you're saying, but although she can be manipulative (AWALT) and might have been using you guys as a proxy for me, I don't know if she was hoping I would read her post. She's more likely to hide shit like this from me. Maybe it was a validation seeking thing?

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

But she didnt hide her actions. She told you to come here. I think she came here thinking she could manipulate us using her feelingZ and then we would take her side. That might have been for validation, but it is still manipulation.

She needs to fix her shit. And you are fixing yours. Read on Frame and Oak Moves. Pass shit test. Keep growing strong. This is good for both.

[–]NiftyDolphinRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When a woman finds that a man is successfully utilizing a tactic against her, she will attack his use of that tactic.

[–]plein_old0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Let's see

1) Your wife is beautiful, you have good sex, you love her and your children. 2) Your life is improving, you're hanging out with your bros again

Wait. What is the problem? What are you complaining about? Like the other people said, "dread" is for when things are bad, when she's taking you for granted. Don't play head games with her if she's openly insecure. That's just for women who are playing games of their own.

Yeah, you haven't actually described any problems yet, that I can tell, other than that you feel embarrassed that your wife anonymously asked for advice from RP people. And that she engages you and tests you a tiny bit.

Disclaimer: I didn't see the other post from your wife.

[–]plein_old0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you should get on your knees and be grateful.

Well, not literally but gratitude is more in the direction of RP than complaining. The way a man leads his wife is not by controlling everything in a petty way, or making his wife more insecure than she already is.

It's by not getting upset over petty things. Being a rock. Being happy. Dealing with your own issues, rather than trying to change other people so you'll feel less insecure. Read the Deida book on the side bar.

It's not easy; I feel you there.

[–]Stonesaint0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

"oh, are you being 'alpha'?"

As an answer, I will rephrase a famous dialogue from one of our regional movies.

To be an alpha, it's not enough to defeat them. You have to be the alpha's motherfucking daddy.

You can finish it off with, "Say hello to daddy" and a smirk.

[–]its-iceman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like a perfect opportunity to grab her ass and say, "My bad, didn't mean to get you all turned on."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lol - that's hilarious

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Own it. It doesn't change any of your actions. Keep doing what you are doing, because it is good for you.

This stuff works even when she knows. All that push back are just overt shit test. Handle them.

I didn't need to hear your side of the story at all. I had guessed it correctly through her hamstering, even if she tried to hide it.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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