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[Update] Boyfriend's Travel Plans with Female Friend

AGirlsJourney
April 19, 2015
44 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen
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Post Information
Title [Update] Boyfriend's Travel Plans with Female Friend
Author

AGirlsJourney
Upvotes 44
Comments 33
Date April 19, 2015 9:55 PM UTC
(11 years ago)
Subreddit Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3361ff/update_boyfriends_travel_plans_with_female_friend/
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/update-boyfriends-travel-plans-with-female-friend.2236
https://theredarchive.com/post/2236
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Comments

[–]HannahFree 28 points29 points30 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

I remember thinking you should break up with him from reading your previous post. This just seals the deal. Good on you for deciding not to waste your time and resources on someone you can't see yourself with in the long run.

[–]AGirlsJourney14 points 11 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! It's a lot harder to do it in practice! I'm trying to be as rational about it as possible, but feelings are complicated haha. :)

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

yeah I was worried about your self worth before, that you wouldn't think you were worthy of more. I'm really glad to hear that you've come to this decision. You are young enough to invest time in a good captain and be happy. You deserve better than a white knight

[–]AGirlsJourney 2 points2 points2 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Thank you! I do think I gave him more leeway since this was my first serious relationship, but his whole speech about her was just so awkward and I let him go on to see how long it would go on for and it kept going! The longer it went, the more viscerally repelled I was by him (and maybe that's part attraction-based and part self-protection based), so that is making things a little easier.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

if you saw the other reply, believe me I understand about the attraction thing. You can't help it, a white knight beta orbiter is about as unsexy as a butch girl to a man.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points18 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Are you Sure he's not a girl?

[–]vintagegirlgame 13 points14 points15 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

He admitted she's "very attractive" but then completely contradicted himself in saying their relationship is "totally platonic." And in the example of your male friend, he also admitted that a guy is just friendly to a pretty girl so he can swoop in on her. He was drunk so he probably doesn't even realize how bad he was setting himself up.

If he thinks she's hot, it will never be platonic. Platonic friendships between men and women only happen when there is no attraction. He's only being friendly to try to fuck her (even if he doesn't realize this and thinks he's just being "a good friend"). Even if they have contrasting backgrounds that prevent them from LTRing, there's nothing more sexy than a forbidden fuck on an exotic vacation away from parents, girlfriends, and the rest of reality.

[–]windlabyrinth7 points 11 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like you made the right call.

[–]TempestTcup 7 points8 points9 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, sounds like he is a beta orbiter and that's not a very attractive trait.

[–]AGirlsJourney2 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Exactly! It made me squicked out thinking about him in that light. He's very confident and self assured in general, so this took all that down a notch immediately. I was surprised at how much it mattered.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Someone like that would , excuse my crassness, leave me drier than the Sahara desert.

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Damn that's a major league white knight... Glad to see you're getting out of there.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I remember that other post. I had thought, if the guy likes to travel, whatever. But wow, that's some really pathetic white knighting/beta orbiting and had almost nothing to do with travelling in this case. The women in the other thread about dumping him had the call absolutely right.

[–]Katniss_GrangerEndorsed Contributor4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

Definitelty sounds like the right decision, of course it's a lot easier said than done, try to keep in mind that conversation and how turned off you were and it should make it a little easier.

He can say he's not into her all he likes but defending her so avidly when everyone else sees a reason to avoid her is just ridiculous and plainly illogical.

In your first post I could see how there was little wrong with his travelling but this thing with her isn't about the travelling it's about providing her with comfort that no one thinks she's deserving of.

Sorry it had to come to this, sooner it's ended the sooner you can heal and find someone worthy of your time :)

[–]AGirlsJourney3 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! It is definitely a lot easier said than done, but I am prepping myself. I didn't sleep well last night, but that will happen.

The illogical behavior was really bad - he always talks about how rational and logical he is and isn't a very emotional person, and he generally behaves in a manner supporting that. This was just way out of bounds.

It also makes me feel like - well jeez, I'm being held to this high standard by him and expected to be mature and rational and whatever else, but he's willing to do all these things for someone who is not those things and, in my eyes, is not "deserving" of his support, so why would I want to continue being a "high quality" woman for him if he's giving his time and energy away to some other girl? Though I shouldn't be, I do feel hurt by him, but it will pass! Onward! :)

[–]Katniss_GrangerEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, the hurt is unavoidable unfortunately, which is shit when it's wasted on someone like this! but you're absolutely right, why put in all the effort to be high quality LTR material if he's going to be orbiting all over some woman he'll never have and who most people seem to dislike! Find someone worth the effort!

and what kind of man sits there gushing all these compliments and justifications for some other girl right in front of his girlfriend?! Add that to the fact that he said "we're not compatible" rather than "No, I'm not remotely attracted to her" or "eh, she's nothing compared to you". Absent minded, illogical and not worth your time IMO :)

Let yourself feel what needs to be felt and things will get better soon enough :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Leave him. I'll be rooting for you.

[–]Panda_Love_23 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Leaving him is the right way to go here :)

If he is beta-orbiting right in front of you...that's just sad. Why would he even do that in the first place? He already has a girlfriend...

My parents have friends that are now divorced, and they've been friends for 20 years. The female in the divorced relationship is very close to my dad, but she is also very close to my mom. They are truly friends, as established over time. She is also a great person, so it's hard not to friend her. I would vouch for your BF in a situation like that, but this is not the case. He sees a pretty girl, feels some kind of insecurity in your relationship, and is fostering another pretty girl's needs in case you disappear on him.

[–]jkonrad 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

He had to pause and think about whether he would sleep with Anna if she wanted to. 'Nuff said.

[–]TheLadyPainter 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

The more I think about this, the less it makes sense to me. Why is he still holding on to these feelings for this chick? If he liked her but found her incompatible, he should have stepped out of her life instead of continuing to hover and nurturing this crush. And uhh.. why is her Rabbi-father letting her go on a vacation alone with a man? It's leaving me scratching my head... Maybe he's trying to romanticize her situation by exaggerating facts.

Either way, good on you for deciding to dump him. Hope you'll report back when you go through with it. Best of luck!

[–]AGirlsJourney2 points 11 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link

Good points!! I think he's hamstered himself into thinking he really is just being a good friend. I'm nervous about the break up, I've never done it and not sure if I should be giving an explanation or just saying I think it's best we go separate ways. I've made a list for myself of the things I'm unhappy with just so I'm clear, but I would not share that.

As a good takeaway, I've learned a lot about what I want from a partner and what I won't accept! :)

[–]TheLadyPainter 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

For sure. I think the best way to go about it is to meet him for coffee somewhere. Don't say something like "I don't think this will work out" or "I'm uncomfortable with this and think we should stop seeing each other." It gives him room to debate it with you and try to come up with a way to 'make it up to you.' If you just say "I don't want to date you any more," it's a bit more direct. If he demands an explanation, tell him you're not attracted to him any more because of how he's handling himself and his emotions. That should stop it. Though, it can be seen as pretty mean... Idk, it's what I would do, but I'm pretty ruthless when laying out the situation to people.

[–]squirrellywhirly 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Sometimes you have to be "mean" in order to do what's right. At times, you have to be okay with the fact that you'll occasionally be the "bad guy".

There's a huge difference between being mean to someone in order to tear them down, break their spirit or otherwise harm them, and being "mean" by being firm and sticking to your guns when it's what's best for everyone involved.

[–]TheLadyPainter 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree 100%, though I still wimp out a lot of the time in the moment.

[–]NSA_web_spider 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Just a guy here, but I wanted to give you a vote of confidence that you did the right thing. He's not clear about what he wants, and that's a mess waiting to happen.

[–]AGirlsJourney1 points 11 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I appreciate that, I was nervous that people might think I was being too emotional or not understanding enough, so it's helpful to hear that I'm doing the right thing.

[–]NSA_web_spider 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm afraid that the sub might accidentally give you the idea that all men are grown up and ready to lead a relationship - like it's man's natural state. That's a good theory, but doesn't apply to all men in modern society, or even most of them. That was man's natural state, but it just isn't anymore.

A white knight is not someone that you can trust to act like a grown man. They're always trying to save a woman, which leads to them getting sulky when a woman doesn't need to be saved, (or want to be.)

You'd have been completely turned off by him by his own behavior soon enough. A fantasy romantic is really crappy at keeping a frame and that will become annoying eventually, no matter what Disney and /r/relationships may say on the matter.

[–]jb_trp 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

You're making the right choice. Break up with him.

Would he be okay with you taking a trip with a guy? Of course not. And (although I don't know you) I hope you'd respect him enough to not even consider taking a trip with a guy. He can say what he wants, but the bottom line is that he doesn't respect you as much as you do him. Time to move on.

[–]bunnylajoya8 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I see the "we're incompatible" line in reality to be more like "we're incompatible, but I'm working on it." If that makes sense? Definitely a lot of orbiting, hamstering and all that unpleasant stuff. You deserve better than that I think. :)

[–]Aine_of_knockaine 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

He admitted he found her attractive. He then says it's totally platonic and explains why. I think this has more to do with her friend zoning him than him not wanting her. It sounds to me like he got friend zoned and explained exactly what happens in male female relationships a lot of the time in these cases.

He set himself up and explained everything to you. He talked it all away in his own head.

I'm glad that you've come to decision to end things and find someone who is worthy of you and your time.

[–]AerobusTRP MOD 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

One thing I don't understand: why did your conversation with him turn you off?

[–]Panda_Love_23 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

He wasn't demonstrating his qualities as a great guy friend (how he wants the world to see it), but was rather beta-orbiting this girl.

Firstly, I'd be turned off if any BF of mine was beta-orbiting another woman. Why would he do that if I was sitting right there next to him? Also, while some beta characteristics can be desirable in a man, such as a need/want for a family, white knighting is not one of them. It's desperation. And that's the opposite of confidence. It's kind of similar to seeing a girl walk into a bar wearing a leopard print mini skirt, crop top, heals, and expensive purse. She can be gorgeous, but she just reeks attention seeker versus real confidence. She might be attractive, but her actual sex appeal is diminished. This happens when a guy enters white knight mode. There is a difference between defending his woman and being a white knight, with both having various influences on how a woman is subsequently attracted to him.

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