“If you don’t know you want marriage in the next 5 years, I gotta move on.”

jakethesnake5000 · 2019-06-05T19:52:36+00:00

If you aren’t ready for it, then say that. If she doesn’t accept that, then you both will move on.

The worst thing you can do is be pressured into it, if you do then you basically have zero frame through the whole marriage

MentORPHEUS · 2019-06-05T20:01:54+00:00

She's hitting the wall. If marriage and family is her life goal, she's late at making this move which is honestly in her best interest.

This isn't a giant shit test, it's a giant comfort test. Recognize the difference.

_the_shape_ · 2019-06-05T21:11:25+00:00

I’ll be losing a good one if I let her go, but I’m tired of bearing the responsibility of her biological clock.

I was in almost your exact shoes once - we were just a little younger than you two (I was about 26, she was 28) - but the ultimatum dropped around the four year mark as well.

Sadly, I knew the relationship was over once she issued it, and anything the two of us had going on from that point onward was running on borrowed time. Why? Because I also knew that the resentment of caving in to something that great would have eaten me alive in the long run. Fuck, the growing pressure from her family alone to "put a ring on her" was really starting to get under my skin because I too knew I wasn't ready (it wasn't until a few years later that I decided that I'd never be "ready" because, well, fuck marriage forever - I digress)

Brother, I can't tell you what to do exactly, but from what you've divulged, the arrow seems to be pointing toward the exit sign. Oh, and fuck the fear of having to "build another relationship up from the ground". You can't ever hold proper frame with this sort of self-imposed dread running through your system - ever - and should you give in to her demands and marry her, I'd put money on it that it wouldn't be long before that exact fear would begin to transform into seething contempt and resentment toward both her and you for being such a trembling vagina.

The girl I referenced above who I cut ties with was also a "good one" - one of the best girls I've ever dated, truly - but does it really matter if they check off every single box, only to drop a bomb on you like this? This isn't a disagreement over where to have dinner next Friday night that we're talking about here; this is a massive commitment with serious ramifications should you decide to give in and later renege, and just you wait until the plot really thickens (i.e. you two have your first child together)

I'll leave you with this: get out of the mindset that it's "too late" or you're "too old" or it just sounds "too daunting" to play the field again immediately, and if marrying this girl is not what you truly want, harsh as this may sound, recognize that this decision is going to come down to standing up for yourself, or laying down on the floor ...for her sake.

TBtgoat · 2019-06-05T20:42:42+00:00

Your radar is everything you can see in your present and near future. It's the job you currently have, the education you're pursuing, the women you're currently talking to. Metaphorically, say it extends one foot. The radar of possibilities in your future is 1000 feet long and wide.

Many people make the mistake of trying to dictate the terms of their life based on their radar. I have to get this education bc I need to get into this business school and get this degree to get this job to make this much. And when it doesn't happen you feel discouraged. Life happens for you, it doesn't happen to you.

You don't consider the possibility of life and the universe rejecting your application bc you're supposed to go to school in this other city to meet this person that'll give you the opportunity you really need. That's not even on your radar of what you think is supposed to happen, but it's surely on the radar of what is possible in your life.

To relate to your scenario, yes she's great girl. Yes you put in probably thousands of hours in effort, money, attention to build what you two currently have. It would be a shame for that to go to waste and have to restart with a candidate less ideal. But that's just based on what you know right now, and what you can see right now.

That doesn't consider another amazing girl in the same situation as you, with the same mindset you have. She could be right around the corner, waiting for you to go with your gut. Do what you feel is right, and trust that it's happening for you, not to you. Because yo have the right mindset, and your approach and response to life will create the most ideal and perfect scenario for you. It's guaranteed to happen because you believe it that much. God speed.

itiswr1tten · 2019-06-05T23:42:31+00:00

If you're still reading, FUCK CORNY. We are all here to help guys like you.

Do what you want and trust your own decision making

GGrub8 · 2019-06-06T07:50:34+00:00

Dump her.

The very fact she said this means she values your commitment and money more than you as a person.

You're 30 and she's 29. Your best years are about to begin, while hers are about to end. SHE KNOWS THIS which is why she's trying to lock you down.

This isn't love, she only cares about scoring the biggest prize she can.

Is this what you want from the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with?

Or maybe she's just terrified you're going to dump her for a 20-25 y.o. girl in a few years when your SMV peaks and she starts aging and getting fat, many pre-wall women are terribly insecure like that. If you recognize this is indeed the case and she's worth keeping despite this bomb, reassure her you're not going anywhere but you will not marry her until YOU decide so. If she's not happy with this it's time to end things.

D0ctorwh010 · 2019-06-06T02:45:29+00:00

She said shit or get off the pot, you aren't ready to shit. Get off the pot. Don't force it. It's waY less satisfying.

FlyingSexistPig · 2019-06-06T01:27:18+00:00

Your smv is increasing. Hers peaked 5 years ago.

_sup_bro_ · 2019-06-05T22:21:39+00:00

"I gotta move on."

You: "K, sorry to see you go. You were a good one. I can't compromise my wants and values."

Anything less than that and you lose frame for the rest of your life.

Then you hop on Tinder hoes for a few months till the sting fades. Once it does go monk for a few months and finally get yourself someone younger, hotter and more capable.

throwitdownman · 2019-06-06T08:32:55+00:00

She is 29. In five years, she’ll be 34. Quite generous of her to give you a FIVE year window. She’s not saying marry me NAO like some of the commenters understand.

If you’re RP aware, you know what the wall is. Good luck getting married if you’re a girl who’s 34. If you’re single at 34, you’ll have to meet and date before marriage. So you’re looking at a wedding at 36. All the while bearing the social pressure, female gossip, and insecurities she will face.

I had a friend. She was 24, Guy was 23. Brought up the marriage thing - she wanted kids in the foreseeable future. She broke up with him. She’s now 26, and casually dating a guy with no aims at marriage. So it can cut both ways, but it seems your girl is doing it out of necessity and not to manipulate you.

communistcontrolact · 2019-06-06T06:06:24+00:00

Not married by thirty? Come on don’t be a pussy and wife her up.

You said you’d be losing a good one

xoxuv · 2019-06-05T21:55:06+00:00

Women's hormones drop at 35. In 10 years she will be 40. What she is offering is the wall, and she is threatening you with abandonment.

This is the life she is offering: missing hot chicks, threats, demands, guilt.

She will despise you if you do what she wants, and also blame you if you don't.

Get an 18.

denchbench666 · 2019-06-05T23:33:33+00:00

If she was truly a good one, she wouldn't be throwing such an ultimatum onto you about marriage when marriage is in no way beneficial to you. Marriage does not make a relationship long lasting - it's a legal piece of paper that she can only reap the benefits from but you get nothing but be held over the proverbial barrel. A woman that truly loves you would never force you to put yourself freely over the barrel for her, so that she can decide to lash you whenever she wants and leave you there with nothing.

If she loves you that much as well, she will respect your decision and hold off for marriage as long as it takes for you - even if it means forever. She just wants marriage but doesn't care who marries her. Let her find some other pushover op, you have your life ahead of you going into your prime years while she is sat there with the sound of tick-tocking in her ears from that biological clock!

its_meKnightSwolaire · 2019-06-05T23:59:41+00:00

You’ve got that “time invested” mentality. Let that go, let her go.

Not worth it

adeptintact · 2019-06-06T03:11:48+00:00

You have a scarcity mindset which is why you think you can't find someone else. Time to move on as she hits the wall, and your SMV increases.

I bet she will come running back after you break up with her.

Greaterbird · 2019-06-06T04:27:25+00:00

Do you want a family in the next 5 years? Say the answer that is true.

You'll only resent your answer if you say something you don't mean. It's weak anyways. Hell yes, or no.

Atheist_Utopia · 2019-06-06T05:47:58+00:00

Sunk cost fallacy

temerity18 · 2019-06-06T06:47:04+00:00

Don't feel guilty for taking "the best years of her life". She got your "best years". An even exchange.

Distractingyou · 2019-06-06T08:16:37+00:00

This is just my opinion but i think if you could have the option of marrying only by the church and not by the state i think i would do it, pardon me for my ignorance but if i am right that means there is no legal consequence if you in some future want to divorce her because marriage by the state only helps woman not man, all said and done it's better to follow what you want and sadly but it will be necessary cut her so she can find a man that wants a family in the now.

Edit: forget what i said reading the other coments she wouldn't put an ultimatum if she really loved you fuck her.

teveza11 · 2019-06-06T13:29:02+00:00

I hate to say it.

I think she is right.

If she has been a good girlfriend for FOUR years, she is right to ask for marriage.. I'm surprised she gave you a 5 year window. She should have given you a one or two year window.

You're getting old yourself. Spinning plates and being perpetually single isn't for everyone. Someday you'll be 40 or 50 and if you still don't have kids, the quality of your life decreases. I don't care what MGTOW or feminists say, having a family is a huge plus in life.

If you want marriage and kids, then its time to start moving in that direction.

If you aren't going to marry her, let her know now. Don't be inconsiderate. Her biological clock is ticking too.

This is what it comes down to. You guys have been in an LTR for a long time, either she is the girl who will make you happy with marriage or she is not. If she IS NOT, then its time for you to part ways. If she is the girl, then I don't blame her one bit, you are both getting too old to start a family.

Irtotallynotrobot · 2019-06-06T15:08:47+00:00

Sounds like you're making the right call. you'll always have the option of picking up 25 yo when you're ready.

Irtotallynotrobot · 2019-06-06T15:10:55+00:00

Sounds like you're making the right call. you'll always have the option of picking up 25 yo when you're ready.

maljo24 · 2019-06-05T22:48:56+00:00

She is maintaining frame. She is following her life plan. You are just a plate to her. She has abundance. She knows you'll break but its ok because she is the prize. Lots of guys out there want her.

You are not ready to commit. Committing is a bit deal: marriage, kids, mortgage oh my! Takes a lot of courage. You are terrified. You may never be ready. Sometimes a guy just has to jump into the pool and swim.

MaxwellPancakesMcgee · 2019-06-05T19:55:25+00:00

Leave her. It'll be best for both of you. She wants kids, she has limited time, you don't have limited time.

BurnieSlander · 2019-06-06T05:02:52+00:00

What she is saying doesn’t really sound like an ultimatum- it seems like she’s just checking in to see where you’re at- because realistically, at 29 she SHOULD be thinking about kids/family. It’s natural.

If you didn’t see this coming, you’re an idiot. But you did see it coming- you just chose to ignore it and waste her time, which is kind of a dick move.

Title	“If you don’t know you want marriage in the next 5 years, I gotta move on.”
Author	SnowBastardThrowaway
Upvotes	30
Comments	46
Date	June 5, 2019 7:45 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/bx6yge/if_you_dont_know_you_want_marriage_in_the_next_5/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/if-you-dont-know-you-want-marriage-in-the-next-5.241254 https://theredarchive.com/post/241254

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