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Children fighting

by pursuing_the_ideal | September 07, 2019 | askMRP

14 upvotes

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May be slightly off topic but definitely is family and marriage affecting. I have two young boys under the age of 6 that love to fight and wrestle. This of course escalates to violence and tears consistently. I did the same thing when I was younger with my brother and I know it drove my parents, especially my mom, insane.

Any tips on how to keep the peace with young kids who always pick fights with each other? This place has taught me that most likely the problem lies with me.


Post Information
Title Children fighting
Author pursuing_the_ideal
Upvotes 14
Comments 27
Date 07 September 2019 04:09 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/252214
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/d0rezf/children_fighting/
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Comments

[–]WorkingThePath9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

What can you do with your kids while not being an ass hole that will change the dynamic of the current situation and take them from a destructive to a submissive state?

For example: dipshit #1 says something to start a fight with dipshit #2.

You need to step in and immediately change their focus.

In my house I do this:

“Are you starting fights? I have chores we can do if you’re bored”. I say it as if I was asking about the weather.

That changes focus from starting fights to making a decision about whether they want to do chores for the next 15 minutes or keep their free time.

I personally like doing chores with them so it’s easy for me to do this without being an asshole.

You gotta find the right one for you. But when disciplining kids keeping frame is just as important as with the wife.

[–]NMMNG_10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is good. Thanks for the idea!

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

Boxing gloves, and a set time and place.

[–]redwall921 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I took boxing lessons with my oldest - 15yo son.

The 12yo son now wants to get the gloves and go at it. And I let them. And I join in from time to time.

When we have another family over or if the boys have friends over, the gloves normally come out. It's great.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's good for them! A man should be able to defend himself, know the taste of his own blood, and that he can take a hit and drive on, boys especially have an energy that you have to shape and focus or they are going to get in trouble. Boxing/BJJ/Krav all of these build character, and instills confidence, which can be sorely lacking for a great many people.

[–]Balls_Wellington_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Plus fighting sports more than anything else teach humility. You learn really quick that yeah, you have a limit, and yeah, there's always someone badder than you.

Props on the name btw.

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy

Do you discipline them at all for the fighting or just shout "No" and "Stop" at them?

By discipline I mean, remove them from the situation, physically if you need to, and take them somewhere seperate and boring to sit for 5 minutes. Get an apology and then apologise to each other and carry on.

If it continues, do it again. Theyll get bored of having this happen to them and after enough repetitions it should die down.

There's other methods of discipline of course, but I think you stepping up and being consistent is the key.

[–]FoxShitNasty838 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

I agree, I have two young boys and time out works a treat. Also taking them to bjj with me so they can learn too.

Separating them is crucial as well as giving them one to one time frequently with you. Sometimes they act our simply because they are bored and want attention.

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

A martial art like bjj is a great idea. That will also teach them discipline and respect.

Plan to get my two into something coming up. Maybe kick boxing as I used to do that and always enjoyed it.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Brazilian Jiu jitsu will solve all your issues.

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck it, I'll look into it

[–]elrojozul6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have three boys under 10. As with dogs, they play up when they're under-exercised.

When I get them out early in the day for something physical they're much more chilled out in the afternoon and more likely to calmly get on with their own thing.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Kids will always fight - boys fight physically, girls fight emotionally. There's nothing you can do to stop it but there's a lot you can do to limit it.

This, to me is the most telling part of your post..

I did the same thing when I was younger with my brother and I know it drove my parents, especially my mom, insane.

.. it was the norm when you were a kid and it's the norm now that you are an adult. The behaviour persists because you allow it to. So yes, the problem does lie with you - it's a lack of leadership.

I used to fight with my brother all the time when we were kids. My Dad was rarely at home to keep us in check and my Mum couldn't control us. Shit got nastier as the years went on and both of us ended up in A&E a couple of times with broken fingers, cuts that needed stitches, glass that had to be removed etc. Despite all that, we were still best buddies but by the time we were teenagers, the violence panned out but then the psychological warfare kicked in. That was even worse. It might be playful aggression at the minute but if you allow it to continue as they develop, you will end up with real problems.

Fixing it is easy but I'm not going to spoon feed you shit that you can find on Google. Step up, learn what you need to learn and take control.

[–]WesternhagenWinner4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

When I grew up in the 70s, it was expected that boys would fight from time to time. I didn't have a brother but I had plenty of fights with neighborhood friends and in the schoolyard. Sometimes it was good-natured, sometimes "serious". The attitude of the male teachers (yes, they still existed back then) was not "you must never fight and we have failed if you do" but, in the case of serious fights, "OK, you had your punch-up, it's over, now shake hands and be friends". Two of my best buddies, at different times, one of them, I broke his nose, another one, he broke my nose.

When I got older (middle school and high school), male physical aggression was channeled into sports and martial arts.

I suspect that the men in authority, at that time, would have been astonished at the idea that they showed "poor leadership" because boys sometimes got in fights. Part of me is thinking that this idea is the product of our feminized society - "boys are just hairy girls who misbehave, boys should be taught to sit quietly and play cooperatively like girls do!" Maybe the problem lies with you in the sense that you have accepted this premise, and the answer is "be more stoic about boys fighting". Just draw the line between "playfights" which you ignore and "bad behavior" fights which you will punish.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great points right here. Fighting, however traumatic, is part of a boy's passage to manhood. I'm not saying you should encourage your boys to fight like Michael Vick's dawgs but, this is a good sign that they are standing up for themselves, however primatively.

[–]dilberryhoundog5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your kids are acting up for a reason. And it’s the same reason that a dog will act up, or a wife will act up, or your workers will act up.

There is not enough attention being handed out for two kids and they are essentially fighting to the death over the scraps of attention they do get, of which, most will probably be negative from you guys. No amount of punishment or “time out” will put a stop to it.

You might give a dependent everything they need in life right now, but only accompanying attention will signal that these resources are also available in the future. Only attention will build their self confidence, make them happy and feel like they are loved.

I don’t need to look into your house to confirm. This WILL be the answer.

Your “emotionally unstable “ wife may also need some attention (she may be in survival mode herself), to function effectively as a mother as she needs to depend on you, if children are to depend on her. This will make your life significantly more difficult, as you are now responsible for not only your life but everybody else’s.

Edit: Only once both your children are getting enough attention, will they respond efficiently to punishment and reward. Attention is the base for everything else to work. Would I be right if I said “nobody listens to you” in your house?

If you haven’t already, spill your guts on the next OYS. Let everyone peer into your life and serve you up truth bombs.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I teach my boys what is playfight and what is bad behaviour. The oldest of course has the upper hand and knows my rule.... ' any tears and daddy gets to play'.

Tickle being my offensive, it exhausts him quickly

[–]maljo240 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Consequences. You fight you lose the TV or video game this evening.

[–]helaughsinhidden0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wow, such a wide range of options and opinions. My wife doesn't think our kids should have any conflict of any kind. No disagreements, no arguments, always share, always be tolerant, patient, kind, empathetic, etc.

That is not how the world works though. I'm pragmatic about it myself. First and foremost, are you teaching them effective communication skills? How to properly articulate their feelings, wants, and grievances? If they don't, you are the faggot then. How about good negotiation tactics? I rarely reprimand the fighting because that word encompasses a myriad of issues and sometimes a kid needs to know if he runs his mouth too much, people will call him out.

What does it look like? Step in only when I need too. Like when faced are red, spit is flying, one kid is wants to tap and the other doesn't get it. I'm consistent so they know when to stop and it doesn't get escalated too much. My older two kids were mainly policed by the "no fights ever" mother and as adults they do not communicate their feelings, grievances, wants, or desires because they are deathly afraid of conflict. I see myself as a coach or ref more than a warden. For what it's worth.

[–]DeplorableRay0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Winner has to fight Dad.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Along with /u/UEMcgill

Why do you allow it?

You must allow alot of other things as well.

[–]Iammrp20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

They're bored. Give them a job. You'll have to hover until they're competent doing the job. Create a structured environment.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Once my boys started bjj the physical fights stopped at home. They each know now that the other is on equal ground when it comes to skill. This is far from the truth but they don't see it that way. I don't support eye for an eye when they do get physical but the older is a pushover, so i explain that sometimes violence has to stop violence. I think the idea of encouraging negotiation and better communication is a worthy venture though.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would wager they get at least 3 hours of screen time a day.

Sports you dumb fuck.

[–]Praexology0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Tie one of them up and tell the other to beat him up for 15 seconds.

Once that's done tie the other up and give him a minute.

Proceed until you're in jail, decide to parent, or you only have one kid left to deal with.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are a grown up, and you have chikdren under your care. If you can’t provide some leadership to kids under 6, you win the pussy of the week award

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have a zero-tolerance policy in my house. You are not allowed to lay hands. The reason is exactly that, it's all fine and dandy until it isn't. Swift consequences will be had for violating it.

The long term solution? Keep them involved in sports and activities. Short term? Get a trampoline if you have space and can afford it. Things start getting crazy in the house? I throw them out and tell them to go play on the trampoline.



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