Husband is concerned that everything we do is "family stuff" and there is no "us" anymore. (Married 4 years, 3 year old child)

teaandtalk · 2017-06-12T02:14:00+00:00

Argh. This post is depressing as. This isn't what a marriage should be like! Reading between the lines/highlighting the important bits in my view:

He's feeling bad about having a lower income & is taking it out on you by being more micromanaging of things like how hot the truck is
He feels like you don't love him like a husband anymore, just like a provider

The other stuff, in my view, is tangential. How do you a) get that lovin' feeling back, and b), show your husband that you love him? Some suggestions:

Try some new things together. Honeymoons/new relationships are fun not only because you're getting to know a new person, but because you do new things together (eg motorbike riding, hiking, etc). Why not plan an outing (SANS CHILD) where you do something totally new - go to Chinatown and eat a sea urchin, borrow some bicycles & have a picnic, book an 'escape room' or a whiskey tasting or etc/
Do some self-reflection, then try to be more verbal with your affection - it sounds like he needs it. You could say, straight out, 'I'm sorry that I didn't have any good answers when you asked me what I got out of our relationship. I did some thinking, and I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate/admire/etc you for x/y/z'.
Keep trying to initiate sex, and not just in a 'come to bed for some missionary & the lights out' way, in a slutty-lingerie-and-blowjobs way. After a few years, and especially after children, a lot of couples get in a rut that way. He probably doesn't want more starfish sex, he wants more sex that makes him feel like you really desire him. If he says he's too stressed, offer him a massage & light a candle...chances are, he'll get in the mood relatively quickly.
Can you outsource the kiddo more often? Is there a mother or mother in law to whom you can say 'hey, I need a date night with my husband, can you take him?'?

I hope there's some useful stuff in here. Your relationship is in dire straits, don't let it stay the way it is.

loneliness-inc · 2017-06-12T03:51:48+00:00

Before I address your issue, I'd like to say that I'll only be addressing what his issues are and you can change. Why? Because you're asking for advice. You can only change your end of things. Having said that - let's get started.

I can tell you with 99% certainty that I know exactly what he's feeling. Exactly! in fact, he told you how he's feeling quite clearly, you're just stuck with your own feelings which prevent you from accepting what he said. This is because his feelings hurt your feelings. All of this is understandable but it's unhelpful. RPW promotes taking helpful action.

So what's he feeling?

He feels taken for granted. As if you don't really need him, you just need the things he provides. You need his money, his help around the house and with the child. His companionship and anything else he provides for you, but you don't need him. Additionally, he feels like he's fulfilling 100% of his side of the deal and part of your side of the deal as well. In return for this, he feels that you receive full benefits there is to receive, while he only receives part

So let's break this down a bit.

Let's face it, everything in marriage is transactional at its core, some of us are more honest in admitting this, others are less honest. Some of us learn to infuse these transactions with love, purpose and meaning, others allow their marriages to wither away once the NRE wears off. The truth still remains that everyone is trading something for something else, even if the trade isn't nitty gritty, down to the penny. Therefore, when one person is investing way more than the return, they feel taken advantage of.

This is your husband. He's footing the entire bill + he helps you with some of the domestic tasks. He does a lot for you. What does he get in return?

You drag your feet in making food for him, aren't really interested in sex, aren't appreciative of what he does for you (which is not the same as gratitude) and several other things that you listed.

Look, I get it. It's hard. You're with the little one, the hormones aren't exactly favorable for passionate sex and it's easy to overlook his contribution. I understand that. That's understandable. But you want to fix your marriage, you don't want understanding for its ultimate failure. If you don't do a 180, it will fail sooner or later!

I'd suggest by starting with appreciation as is described in the post I linked above. Appreciation that's expressed in actions is worth a lot more that appreciation expressed in words (which is also important). Set yourself a goal to express appreciation at least 3 times a day.

Next thing to start right away is sex. Become the woman who craves his touch and craves to pleas him. I know. It's not easy to turn on your body with the drop of a hat like a man can do. The good news is, you don't have to. You don't have to be fueled by desire for sex every time. What you do need is to be fueled by an intense desire for him! It's this desire that fuels pleasing him and making him feel like a sexual G-d. (Just like you'll feed and bathe your child with a smile even when you're really not in the mood of doing that task. Because you desire the child, even if you don't desire the task).

Additionally, please read the captain - first mate dynamic as well as my grandparents' marriage

Finally - if I can be of help, please don't hesitate to reach out.

-drukpa-kunley- · 2017-06-12T18:54:34+00:00

Everyone that has replied in this thread has got it wrong.

Those alleged statements by him scream narcissism. OP, please read up on narcissism and see if the behavioral descriptions match his personality.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2017-06-12T14:13:35+00:00

Sounds like someone is not liking the role of father/husband/provider he signed up for.

I'd watch this guy like a CIA spook.

pinkdrawings · 2017-06-12T03:39:26+00:00

This doesn't sound like its about you. It sounds like its about his emotions.

Go into girlfriend mode. He thinks you think of him just a provider and helper with the kid. Plan to do fun things JUST with him. Show him things you find funny.
Be his slut. I agree with teaandtalk that boring missionary sex won't cut it. Do you know if he has any fetishes or kinks or any fantasies? Bust that out. He has a teacher/professor fantasy? Go buy that little skirt.
You can't pull your weight financially, but is the house clean? Are you cooking every night?

Landry86 · 2017-06-12T18:28:54+00:00

Ask him what he is getting out of it besides you raising his kids

HB3234 · 2017-06-13T00:53:11+00:00

He is frustrated at the loss of his wife. He's at the "bitch eating crackers" stage, which is where the micromanaging and pointless, stupid criticisms are rooted.

It sounds like he's at a breaking point in feeling used and unloved. I don't know if those feelings are rooted in an egotistical, unmet need to be worshipped and catered to, or a reasonable, unmet need of a man to have a spouse who adores him. Only you can make that call.

But for a man to ask what you see him for, other than a paycheck, and for you to draw a blank? Were he my friend I would be referring him to a divorce lawyer.

justanotherusername4 · 2017-06-12T10:12:52+00:00

I have little information to go on regarding your ages, marital status etc, but I'll give it a go.

First things first: is it possible that you are having a post partum depression? If you doubt that, please go see a doctor. It doesn't have to be like this, it can (and will) get better. Only read the rest of my post if you are positive you are not having a depression.

Now, with that out of the way. Be honest with yourself: if it weren't for your son, would you date this man?

A husband is not a duty.

Your husband is apparently feeling insecure about his work situation and the home situation. He is feeling inadequate.

If you do love him, please try to restore his confidence and self worth. The rest will follow.

TheBunk_TB · 2017-06-12T02:24:25+00:00

I must add on to what teaandtalk said. I am the other half of your equation. You don't think of us hardly. Be his girlfriend. You might have forgot that. You settled on the family end and forgot how to be a girlfriend. Some of the top stuff (charger, etc) is out of frustration. If you want to be supportive, even if he is struggling professionally, pick up on the "secretarial needs" of his.

PumpkinSub · 2017-06-12T12:44:11+00:00

Date your man! Get a babysitter, you and hubby need some dates. It sounds like a lot of work and no fun lately. Dating will help light that spark again.

anothergoodbook · 2017-06-12T13:13:04+00:00

When things come up in my marriage I always ask, "what can I control?". Well, me! I can't change my husband in any way shape or form. I can influence him, but that comes in later. What I can do is become the person I want to be in a marriage (and in life in general).
One thing I've been thinking about lately especially being the sounding board for my sister who is going through a rough patch... What is your end goal? So my husband and I agreed to never divorce. We take our vows very seriously and divorce is the ultimate "4 letter word" in our house. Within that framework then, my goal is to have the greatest marriage possible. Therefore, I overlook the petty everyday "annoyances" until, now, I can barely see them (you know....the can't ever find XYZ or eating loudly or a sarcastic comment said because no one slept because of babies and no one I'd in a good mood). What about really serious issues then thay can't be overlooked? 1st is attitude - having hope and gratefulness and positivity goes a long way. 2nd is working on yourself. What areas where he has genuine concern, can you change? Maybe getting dolled up before he comes home from work to show him you we thinking about him.... I don't know the exact things you need to work on.
A couple of random thoughts follow lol... He may feel disrespected. Read The Empowered Wife and do each chapter like a week at a time implementing them into your life. Sex drives come and go... I have to work to keep myself wanting sex and my husband who is stressed out is sounding very similar to my husband. I upped my respect and my seduction game(doing regular self care to fill up my energy reserve, wearing cute/sexy pajamas every night, wearing makeup and looking feminine, etc) - those things there go a long way in getting me "reved up".
Being kind goes a very long way. Sometimes we wives start getting snippy or sound like we are taking to our children instead of our man. You may not be aware of it at all. Or you may say, "he deserves it" - but then you are back to looking at your ultimate goal. Maybe he does absolutely deserve it... Will it serve you in the long term goals for your marriage.

My husband and I have very little in common... The things e do together are because we like being together doing things not because we like that thing we are doing. .. well, except sex lol. I am a book need, he hates reading. He loves roller coasters - I want to per my pants looking at them. .. we hate the other's selection of music, movies, youtube content. . the list goes on. We are insanly happy together. Having things in common is not a necessity.

gloopgloop22 · 2017-06-19T23:58:57+00:00

Your husband sounds like an entitled jackass. No amount of reframing or positive thinking on your part is going to change that. I don't think you're the same person you were when you married him, and it sounds like you've learned to stand on your own feet and don't need someone to tell you what to do constantly. Might be time to consider divorce.

Gymnokids · 2017-06-12T06:49:56+00:00

This is more of a reason for why I don't ever want kids and I see it happen a lot with moms. You need to change your attitude and quick before you end up divorced which by the sound of things is what's gonna happen when the kid leaves. I think what a lot of moms forget is they put the kids before the husband and then wonder why in 18 years when the kid leaves she's left with a complete stranger and the husband wants a divorce because as far as he's concerned you checked out of the relationship as soon as the kid happened.

downvote_isnt_disagr · 2017-06-12T18:40:33+00:00

Marriages take work, and right now all your work is going to your son and not your husband. Very bad.

Try this: wake up 15 mins early and make breakfast. SMILE and kiss him when you serve it, then give him a compliment. He will feel amazing and your entire world will be lifted up for the rest of the day. Effort: 30 mins of work. Payoff: 24 hours of happiness and bliss. Maybe even 2 days. I promise he'll rock your world later that night too.

And don't even start with me about having ONE kid in this day and age is even CLOSE to having a full time job. Start showing some appreciation to your husband's sacrifices!!!

APatriotsWomyn · 2017-06-12T12:41:33+00:00

but I told him half-joking that I would have to start logging all the times he turned me down.

Do not joke about it. Do it.

and then being micromanaged in every aspect of my life since then.

This would not fly with me. Micromanaging is never ok. Tell him that it bothers you and that you expect it to stop.

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