I'm a white guy, but I've heard lots of good things about South Asian arranged marriages. How do I get into an arranged marriage as opposed to a dating-based relationship?

rulenumber303 · 2016-12-20T01:24:39+00:00

OK, I'm not Indian but just applying common sense brings up a few issues. Most importantly you probably are not aware of the sorts of work and effort on your part that will be expected from you and possibly even from the rest of your family to meet the expectations involved in that sort of thing, it isn't just a matter of getting some parents to approve of you for their daughter and then winning their daughter over... those sort of families have expectations once you are married and if once you are married you don't meet expectations she's going to be as likely to argue and cause you misery as any other person you married and then don't fulfill expectations for might. These expectations are something you or I can not fully understand because we haven't lived in that culture. You may find yourself suddenly being called upon to host one cousin after another in the USA while they get a degree and then a job... is doing so a reasonable expectation in that marriage or not? Does the fact you live in a one bedroom apartment cut you any slack or are you just expected to effing deal with it for the sake of the family? What things make it more reasonable or not in the sort of family set ups that are common in India? Does the $10,000 her family outright gave you to help buy your first house make it reasonable? What about the fact they always pay for your plane trips to go visit? You don't know. You just don't know. They come from a different tradition. It will be like you're playing one board game and she's playing another and it would be no wonder if the whole thing went to hell because something that is totally an expectation in her culture is a major major problem to you. You're also likely to get taken advantage of badly if you more or less write them a blank cheque to impose on you because of cultural differences you don't understand.

Oh, and if you don't meet her family's expectations, and they get annoyed enough at you to side 100% with her, and she runs back home to them with the kids, well won't that be fun.

I suggest you look for a job that involves you moving to India for a while so you can observe how things are there, and what the expectations are and what life as a husband and father in an Indian family is like.

IndoAmericanKiller · 2016-12-20T05:28:55+00:00

Am Indian, am getting an arranged marriage.

No, it is not possible for Whites to get arranged marriages.

This isn't just a situation where a man trades resources for female sexuality and exclusivity. There is a huge cultural, religious, communal, and familial component to this.

You are expected to navigate all those things. I of course have the religious and familial components down, but I have to spend time after work drilling my Hindi just to look better to prospective in-laws. You are starting from a further deficit than me: you are a white dude from America, with absolutely no ties to an Indian community.

I think your time would be better suited to procuring a mail-order bride, if you are dead-set on a trade of resources for sexuality.

2016-12-20T04:23:23+00:00

You really don't have a clue how arranged marriage works, do you? You don't get to pick. Your family picks, and it's based on your caste and social status. What you're describing is a mail-order bride.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2016-12-20T03:04:39+00:00

its not successful if you dont share a culture

2016-12-20T05:04:15+00:00

I recommend asking your family to set you up with someone who they think is suitable for marriage. And then immediately talking about marriage when you do meet her, as part of your courtship.

Because that's what a lot of arranged marriages essentially are (Indo-Canadian here). A lot of people have this idea in their head that arranged marriage means your dads decided to have you two married when you were 2 and that's that, and then you never meet until your wedding day.

Which probably happens (in more rural parts of India? I don't actually know anyone who got married like that). But a lot of arranged marriages are just accelerated dating with a clear goal in mind. Where there's still room for choice and yes, rejection.

You're not going to get an arranged marriage with an Indian woman, because the entire point is to be set up by family. If you want like a 'feminine submissive desi' stereotype, you can probably go to India and find one.

disposable_pants · 2016-12-20T01:00:34+00:00

The life changes and sacrifices you'd have to make to get into an arranged marriage are so significant that you'd be better off significantly improving yourself and finding the best partner you can (on the best terms you can) via the dating route.

alreadyredschool · 2016-12-20T00:53:20+00:00

Add more content to your post.

quotes, TL;DR, discussion points.

DashneDK2 · 2016-12-20T05:24:23+00:00

You can't of course. If for not other reason, than you'd also have to convert your parents to South Asian cultures and set them up with an instant wide network of South Asian relatives from which to find a bride.

You can however arrange your own marriage to a mail-order bride. These marriages also appear to be at least as happy as other marriages and even tend to last longer. Otherwise you can consider joining a cult. I think the Moonists have arranged marriages?

Pria_Pus · 2016-12-20T05:02:07+00:00

unless you're indian i can't see it working...

i'm a white guy dating an indian girl and had no issues but i'm pretty sure some families don't like when their daughters date outisde their race. plus aren't rranged marriages usually done through the parents anyway so your folks would have to get together with an indian family and discuss it from there... which sounds like it wouldn't work out

SpaceWhiskey · 2016-12-20T08:06:47+00:00

From what I've observed, the sort of guys who are chosen for arranged marriages are usually rich, from a prestigious family or at least has parents who are friends with the girls parents, in a highly respected career and/or incredibly handsome. If you aren't any of those things, the odds of being picked for an arranged marriage are low, especially if you're a cultural outsider.

midnightvulpine · 2016-12-20T22:09:56+00:00

You really, really, really need to study up on what Indian culture is when it comes to arranged marriages, then study up on what might be expected of you if you get into one. You may not like what is expected of you if you marry into a traditional family. Do your research before you try. Deeply.

redmachines · 2016-12-20T02:46:02+00:00

White guys do not need arranged marriages because their race is not a detriment to getting women. Leave that for middle to high class ethnics in no man's land.

sunkindonut149 · 2016-12-20T06:12:57+00:00

There's also somewhat of a difference between Eastern cultures and most people in the West. If you want to join with a different culture be cognizant of this fact.

I mean as adults many people over there get pushed around by their parents invading their lives.

This isn't India but my friend said that back in Brazil where he's from, parents would rather build another floor to their house than allow you to move out of their house when you get married.

trudatness · 2016-12-20T06:50:41+00:00

Just about every woman willing to marry someone they don't know is doing it for a perceived materialistic benefit.

I've known a couple of guys (and girls!) who married to help someone get into America.

Holy fucking Christ talk about blue pill.

First the women that did it... They got paid. My understanding is the general rate is 10 grand. Yes they also gave up the pussy a few times at least. It ended up being a terrible thing for them because immigration fraud is actual crime. They can't just change their minds because the people they fuck over will roll on them fast as lightning.

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/fiance-marriage-visa-book/chapter1-9.html

Think about it - 2 years down the road they meet a guy they like and then the guy finds out they married some guy to get him a green card. You never see a dude run so fast in the other direction. If these women want companionship - they either become sad bar sluts or try to hit up the dude they married. 9 times out of 10 - he's got some girlfriend from his country already.

Although I have to admit I've seen women just say fuck it and divorce and get away with it totally. Dude gets deported and they kept the $$. LOL.

The dudes that do it are the bluest of the bluepill. They have a delusion that the woman they married actually love them. It's a very sad thing to witness as these men beg their wives for any kind of affection. In just about every instance, the sham of a marriage leads to resentment and arguments. Once it goes there then all the woman has to do is claim abuse and file a restraining order - and boom she's got guaranteed citizenship and he's scrambling looking to pick up the pieces after the woman basically just threw a bomb into his life.

There is no magic answer - no easy road.

despisedlove2 · 2016-12-20T18:53:48+00:00

Indian here, who didn't go for an arranged marriage.

Don't bother if you aren't rich. If you are rich, watch your back.

The last part is generally true around women. Indian women are among the most cut throat in the world. Especially in the US.

TheoremaEgregium · 2016-12-20T20:47:47+00:00

Thing is, it would be up to your family to find someone to you. It makes me shudder to think what would have happened if my parents had been in charge of that for me. I would have been incel, or maybe in the end been forced to marry my morbidly obese cousin. A nightmare.

I once heard a Pakistani guy explain that because he was an orphan he was basically screwed forever. He was in Saudi Arabia for a while where the situation was no different. His only chance was to make his way to Europe, and he did not succeed in that. I believe he became suicidal.

autoNFA · 2016-12-21T21:42:41+00:00

If you mean "arranged" in general, then sure - matchmaking services are still a thing, especially if you're part of certain religious groups or willing to convert (Catholicism comes to mind). There's still "dating" involved, though it will likely be different from the regular dating process.

If you mean Indian specifically, you're facing long odds. Even Indians who are completely fine with their children marrying non-Indians in love marriages (i.e. non-arranged marriages) are going to question the motives of a non-Indian attempting to enter the arrangement process. Unless you have a deep connection to an Indian culture already, you're probably going to be viewed as someone who flunked out of the Western dating market, which sounds more or less accurate.

Edit: by "deep connection", I mean that you need to have personal relationships with people in the community who will put their reputations on the line to vouch for you as a good person and suitable candidate for marriage. Usually this would be people who have known the candidate for the candidate's entire life or most of it.

Attentive1 · 2016-12-20T08:28:03+00:00

It sounds like everyone is saying that the families are money hungry. Better get a Japanese chick straight from Japan where they still love Americans.

DarkLord0chinChin · 2016-12-20T14:15:30+00:00

Just get a Chinese wife if you want marry that badly

BPremium · 2016-12-20T14:16:48+00:00

Check out the first episode of "The Moaning of Life" on Netflix. Karl Pilkington goes to a marriage broker in India for this type of thing. Not only is it enlightening, but its also hilarious.

Entropy-7 · 2016-12-20T21:12:27+00:00

As a white dude, you don't really have access to this.

I live in China. It was a job decision rather than a pussy-chasing thing.

If you are fed up with white chicks then save some money and then get on the ground. I dunno, maybe your thing is Oriental girls, or maybe you like brown girls (back in the day I almost married one) in which case take a sojourn to India.

It is an UP HILL FUCKIN BATTLE. The parents will hate you and the grandparents. . .some are cool but some will hate you even more.

RED PILL WARNING

If you bring her to America, she will be just as fucked up as all other American girls within a year.

I am in situ so I don't have that worry.

dottywine · 2016-12-21T15:27:48+00:00

OP, my best friend is a shy, mild autistic, Indian and he had an arranged marriage with another Indian woman when he was about 30 that the parents helped arrange.

I don't know the details of why they waited so late - I think his parents just decided it was time for him to get married and they found this family with a woman who wanted a husband - He said it was made clear up front that this woman wanted a better life and to enjoy the fruits of his career and Europe/Canada citizenship.

The marriage was bad, in a few months she cheated on him and divorced him. He was knocked down hugely in confidence and hasn't seen her for years. He was also arrested in Canada for stalking her when he hung outside her new home (I'm not saying he didn't deserve that).

dottywine · 2017-01-08T04:30:38+00:00

Uhm -- it's hard. Arranged marriages work because of family support from both sides. You will have no family support for this. Your family likely knows mostly other white families. So even if they did "choose" for you and the girl wanted to date you, her family would not be on board for arranging the marriage and neither will she.

Maybe your best bet will be to figure out the ethnicity or community of people in your area who might do arranged marriages and try to join the community. Letting them know that you're a guy seeking a wife (not as an opener, but as a part of your conversation).

Even then, it's hard. While SOME Asian ethnicity DO want their children to marry a white person, I think MOST of them would not prefer it. As for Africans, I don't know a single community that does arranged or suggested marriages that would like for their children to prefer white.

So you're in a pickle here. But still, let people in these communities know you're a friend. Make friends with people your age there. Hang out. Let people know you're single and looking. You might find someone with a sister or cousin who they want you to meet. Then you'd get to know her family and things can be arranged. You'll never have an actual arranged marriage, but you could have a suggested marriage (marriage based on family recommendation).

P.S. I'm not Indian, but come from a culture where the other cultures around us do arranged marriage and my culture does family suggested marriages. I'm NOT doing it, but that's the norm.

P.S.S. Someone suggested a mail-order bride and I wanted to add that you can date women from anywhere in the world. There will always be a woman who will marry you even if only because you are a white man. You could be the most deadass deadbeat dude, and someone will marry you just because you're white. So you can take advantage of that.

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