Looks like I’m getting divorced. The shit hit the fan this morning. My wife suspects cheating, and left the house and hasn't come back (unusual for her). This is a new account so I can't post yet in OYS on MRP. If this isn't appropriate for this, mods let me know and I'll repost in OYS.
Mission: To continue to help the sick the best way I can. To provide my children with a positive role model. To be a source of strength, for myself, and for others.
Age 56. Height 6’0”. Weight 175 lbs. Lifts: BP 225x8, DL (Hex bar) 345x2, Squat 265x5. Soon to be ex-wife 57 years old 5’0” 100 lbs. Married 29 years.
Reading: NMMNG, WISNIFG, SGM, MMSLP
Two young adult daughters, both are finished with college and are doing well in good careers. I am very close with both, as is my STBX.
I’m a golfer - I belong to a club and have a regular weekly golf game. I’m part of a larger group of guys and play in club tournaments occasionally. These guys though, are strictly golf friends. I don’t see them socially off the course. I neglected my social life for many many years, as I made the mistake of giving it up to give all to my family. I guess my kids benefited, but I see now that this was a big mistake. They would have been fine anyway, and I would have been much better off in the long run, if I actually had a social life away from my family when I was in my 30’s and 40’s. I’m doing better with it now (I started with the golf group just a couple of years ago), but I feel like I still have a long way to go here. I don’t have anybody I can call to go out for a drink or dinner, and I’m going to have to change that.
I am a physician, and I’m in a good practice. I’ve been the sole breadwinner for my entire marriage, even in the seven years after we were married, but before kids (looking back, this is a red flag). I started with zero after medical school, and have handled all the finances, always. We are debt free, and I have accumulated enough assets that I could probably retire at age 60 (4 years from now) if I chose. Well, that won’t be an option any more, after divorce, but I’ve come to accept that. My STBX has zero knowledge of money, saving, investing, etc. She shops, and I pay the bills. My fault for never putting a limit on this, although she was never abusive (compared to some women out there, I guess).
Married for 29 years. My STBX is a stay at home mom, never working (for money) except for a 2 year period, when she worked part time. She did tons of volunteer work as the kids were growing up. She developed a chronic illness about 11 years ago. It’s in the same category (to me) as fibromyalgia, Epstein Barr, and Chronic Fatigue syndrome - she has multiple debilitating symptoms, but there is no measurable disease. All blood work and scans are always normal. She has spent tens of thousands of dollars on non-conventional “treatments” to try and get better, without much success.
Zero. None. For 11+ years. Part of the time I had low testosterone (I was tested, but stupidly declined to treat), so the lack of sex didn’t seem as bad as it really was. When I finally decided to get treated, about 5 years ago, my libido came back, and the lack of sex became a huge issue.
I held out hope that things would get better, but I didn’t have a plan (not aware of MRP). There were some discussions, which of course, led nowhere. The final discussion ended with her saying, “I guess I just shut that part of myself off”. Onset of menopause probably didn’t help much.
I should have left years ago. I know it. I didn’t have the guts. I was afraid of being lonely. We got along well in every other way. I felt guilt, because I was abandoning a sick person.
I then broke with my lifelong values (honesty), and started cheating. In the last year, I’ve banged nine different women, most from online dating sites. I have a woman that I’ve been seeing regularly for the past 2 months. She just became suspicious this week (no hard proof), and immediately moved into the guest room. It’s fine with me, because this just can’t go on like this. I hate sneaking around. I should have just left, instead of cheating. But what’s done is done. I have to figure out a way forward.
I alternate between feeling fine, and planning what to do next week to move forward with a divorce, and sick to my stomach, because I’m losing someone who is like a sister (not a wife) to me, and I did it in a shitty way.
I would appreciate any insight you guys have. I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to about this, which is partly why I’m here.
Edited to add readings.