Hello all! So, I have been working on this post for a few weeks. I wasn’t sure if I should put it up or even if I could fully explain what needed to be said. I wasn’t sure if it was valuable to the community or what advice I could possibly seek on it. After some thinking, I messaged the mods, told them the situation and decided to post. It is a subject that I haven’t seen eloquently discussed here, r/theredpill or r/askmrp, so I thought I would take a crack at it. I know I can always learn more (so if you have some insight...lay it on!) and maybe my story will help someone else. I felt it was important to tell the story from the beginning. Had I seen this 4 years ago, it would have saved me some turmoil. That being said, It will be a long post...so grab your favorite sippy cup full of whiskey and take a seat.

Throwaway, Huh? I’ve been a member here for 4 years. I haven’t been very active in a little over 18 months because, well...the sub did its job. I knew the material, did the work and moved on to live the thing...always improving, always learning. This place is a tremendous community and has been a blessing to many, myself included. On that note, I have good reasons to add this from a throwaway and hope you all can respect that and focus on this post.

How did I start here? I found this sub on a stormy night while running away from r/deadbedrooms. I was hideous looking and covered with fleas. You all took me in and nursed me back to health. I thought I had a sex problem in my marriage. My wife never initiated and just seemed bored/apathetic to sex and anything sex-related. As I read the posts here, one by one, it all made sense. So many wives displayed the same patterns, same excuses. The advice was structured and the success stories were brilliant. I wanted to be one of those success stories and I wanted to be that man.

We have a hard time reflecting on ourselves and making judgments, or sometimes we are the best ones and the only ones who truly can see what we are. I have learned that we are the only ones who can make changes and that the end-goal and direction of the change...we should only be accountable to ourselves. I was judging my worth and the changes I needed to make by the “pay” I was receiving sexually from my wife. After reading a lot on here, my goal was simple...I wanted more sex. Not only did I want more sex, but I wanted good sex. I didn’t want the starfish-duty-sex we are all too familiar with, I wanted the begging, moaning, dripping success story sex that the prophets foretold us of. In order to get that, I needed to become a man who deserved it. This sub billed itself as a sexual strategy for married men and for the first time in a few years, I felt like I had a plan, that this was going to work!

Here is the truth. I never quite fully bonded with the experiences of other men here. I have been married for 8 years. My whole marriage, I led. I made the money, I paid the bills and I made the decisions. She didn’t question me, made a great first-mate and generally respected me. I could get sex whenever I wanted it and get an enthusiastic BJ at the drop of a hat. I was in good shape still from the military, although I got in better shape, and kept up my appearance well. That has always been me. The problem? She wasn’t wanting me...like at all. She had no kinks, desires and wanted nothing out of me sexually. She would do these things as a duty only. It was soul-crushing. There wasn’t that desire of being wanted that most of us can recognize, which is what I believe most of us are really after. That power of being a desirable man and not just and orgasm or a place to bust a nut. I had neighbors and friends that were lesser men that I was, being chased around and desired by their wives. I would hear wives complaining or begging them to leave a party so they could go fuck. It’s not good to compare yourself to others, but I couldn’t help but notice and it stung.

After reading the sub and making my way through the sidebar, I got to work. I went into the gym more often. I made gains. I became more selfish and less “nice.” I started two more businesses that are successful, I remodeled half the house, I became a better father. I used my new skills in business and personal dealing and it helped me out a lot. This stuff really worked and it paid off in many other aspects of my life. I was learning, observing and checking in here often. After a year or so passed, I understood the game well. I was giving advice to other men. I was getting thank you messages telling me how helpful my advice I was. I could see all the angles, but I just couldn’t be it myself. She still wasn’t “wanting” me, plenty of other women did, but not her. I tried dreading her with no luck. I tried being Ultra-Rambo-Chad...no luck. I had women grabbing and groping on me in front of her. Nothing! I withheld affection...NADA! In fact, all of that was just pissing her off more because it had no effect. She was getting no feedback loop off of it. It blew her comfort out of the water and pushed her away from trusting me as a valuable man.
The years went by and I plugged away at it. I didn’t give up and didn’t stop working on myself. About 18 months ago I stopped coming on here and decided to just live it. I made the choice that I didn’t care if she wanted me. I was going to just take what I wanted because I deserved it. I was the prize and she was lucky to have me. I went along my way kicking ass and porking away at her every which way. Things were going well until about 3 months ago. The darkness crept back in. “Why the fuck does she still not want me? What is wrong with me? Why are these guys better than me? What am I missing...it just doesn’t make sense?” A depression followed. I drank more, partied more and gave a fuck less. I got mean and started arguing with her. I felt like I was losing much of my progress but I didn’t care. I backslid.

Then, about a month ago, I read an article. It was about people who are asexual. I have an old friend who is “asexual” but never fully understood it. He never dated and had never had sex nor did he have any interest in it. That is what I thought it was. Apparently, it’s not all black and white...its a spectrum. I was and still am skeptical about the topic, but it was worth some research. As I read, I realized that some of these people sounded EXACTLY like my wife. I had her read it and she agreed as well. She always wanted to want sex...but couldn’t and in the past, I couldn’t understand when she’d say that. She said she felt a relief understanding it and being able to name the monster. From my previous reading, I understood feedback loops. Some of these people enjoyed sex, had orgasms (she does both), but just had no active desire for it. Their feedback loop was broken. Most normal men and women have this mechanism and it drives them. It’s how dread works. “Oh fuck, I’m going to lose him. I can’t do any better! DANGER! Hurry! Fuck his brains out...ahhhh safe.” Dopamine rush. Maybe it was her that was broke all along. In reflecting on our relationship and her past relationships...it makes sense. She had actually said to me on several occasions something to the effect of “I don’t care if I ever have sex again.” At the time, I thought “bullshit!” But maybe this was the elephant in the room all along?
If asexuality is a thing, she is definitely on the “spectrum.” Supposedly it is somewhere around 1% of the population. Where does this leave me? One part of me feels great because maybe it wasn’t me. She was the broke one and I wasn’t. The work I did benefited me greatly and I don’t regret that. The years of turmoil and self-doubt I could have done without. I’m not sure what to think at this point. Is this the type of sex-life I want? Can I accept this? She brings so much value into my life in so many other ways and she is very low drama. She respects me. She is a great wife and mother. In a few weeks, she is going in for a hormone panel. Maybe that will help? Some said it did. I hope if someone else is in a similar circumstance, maybe this post will help them avoid the darkness I felt and provide some answers. Gentlemen...please ask away if you have questions and blast away if you have advice.