Thanks for the wake up call

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Probles08
December 4, 2019
19 upvotes
askMRP

27m 5'9" 220lbs 30%BF 5x5 lifts

Sorry couldnt recall the other required stats. First off my punctuation sucks so I'm not gonna go back and fix those as long as my words are used properly I think the message will get across fine.

Just wanna say thanks for those who responded to my first post on here. I knew I would get alot of painful truths but it was worth it. I'd be lying if I said I'm magically red pilled like you all but I'm thankful for the side bar and resources.

Ive been reading in my spare time whenever I can NMMNG and its a great read and big wake up call to who i was. Id be lying if i said i wasnt still devastated by my wife leaving me for another man but you know after reading this I do take ownership for my fuck ups and I see now that I was losing my manhood and sense of identity to be a "good guy" I am very guilty of submitting and just trying too hard to avoid conflict and i cause more lies than truths in order to please my wife.

I wish I would have found you guys sooner or else I'd still be married. I cant change whats now but definitely own up to what i did wrong and move forward.

As of lately when my wife does message me about things regarding the divorce or our kids I am more honest and speak my mind. Considering shes already screwing another guy and is jobless she asked me to take the kids overnight since I'm still at home so it could be more stable so I said fine. But also in relation to her being jobless she also asked if I could print her papers out needed for this job and maybe i should have to help her out being my kids mom but i had to be honest and say I'm sorry I cant do that anymore any extra help im giving you is just making me a doormat. She didnt take it too kindly but I said its the truth . shes gone through many jobs and I would always print things scan them and fax them so she thought this time would be no different. Also she got very heated with me when i typed a formal document to have her sign saying she agrees to let me take the kids in so I could have it in writing and she started saying I hate you and I'm trying to take the kids away and blew up and again just said im sorry you hate me I cant change or fix how you feel but I dont have hate for you and wish you well and ended the conversation. I hope this kind of honesty is the at least the direction i need to be in?

It still sucks all in all but through this experience I am learning I am in control of my own choices and not everyone may like them but I cant run back and cowar my choices. I'll start trying to get the other books as well and do some more self discovery. Thanks


Post Information
Title Thanks for the wake up call
Author Probles08
Upvotes 19
Comments 70
Date 04 December 2019 08:03 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/297808
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/e64x1y/thanks_for_the_wake_up_call/
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NMMNG
Comments

[–]JCX_Pulse17 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy

Alright, seems like everyone is obsessing over your weight, so I’ll skip that aspect of it.

As a guy in a remarkably similar situation to you I can give you some suggestions that you can either take or leave. Doesn’t matter to me.

Work on your self confidence and self esteem first. If you don’t think your worth anything no one else will either. This event was a tremendous ego hit and your first post demonstrates that. Try and work away from comparing yourself to anyone else.

Snip you’re validation seeking in the bud. Don’t equate your value to women or lifts or anything else.

Heal fully the way you need to. Therapy, bjj, whatever your method is, work through it, not around it. Don’t let this be the moment your life stops. Find a way to let this be where you begin anew. Process your pain, your insecurity, your self esteem hit, and move on better for it.

Grow your friend circle and don’t be afraid to be selfish. It’s time for you to take charge of your life.

For the love of god learn how to write coherently. Hopefully you will pick something up with all the reading you will do.

Lastly, don’t give up. You’ll only be giving up on yourself. No one here will miss you. You’ll just be another failure to wash out. Do this for you. Know it will take time to change and enjoy the process.

[–]Probles08[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thank you for your insight. I know for me the biggest issue was my need for validation. Its been a poison in me all my life and it sucks it took this long to become aware but better late than never.

These last couple of days from my first post to reading NMMNG I have started to feel a sense of hope as I keep reminding myself my happiness starts with me . I will need more to read of course, but I'm glad i came here.

[–]JCX_Pulse3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Keep putting in the work. Even when it doesn’t feel good. You’ll have your ups and downs. Having something to focus on (TRP) is a big help but it’s hard to measure your growth sometimes so don’t let it be the only thing you focus on.

[–]Probles08[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Will do thanks again for your help.

[–]hack3geRed Beret19 points20 points  (16 children) | Copy

1 - Wow you are fat....

2 - Do whatever it takes to get her a job it helps you in the long run.

3 - If you work hard in 18-24 months you will be unrecognizable and you can be slaying pussy half her age and twice as tight.

4 - Remember you are a faggot and deserve nothing you don’t earn so it’s all up to you. This should be the most empowering thing you ever realize in your life.

And for fuck sakes put the fork down and pick up something heavy.

[–]Probles08[S] 1 point2 points  (14 children) | Copy

To be honest I already lost 10 lbs I was at 230 and the 30% reading was from then just haven't updated . I also was lifting like a strongman so i packed alot of calories before. I still do 5x5 lifts deadlift 410 squat 405 bench 265 power clean 265 . im not as strong as i used to be but I maintained over 200 lbs on my lifts .

[–]redwall9212 points13 points  (13 children) | Copy

So, I was driving on the Parkway over the holidays. And my wife said "Hey honey ... did you see that DEER on the side of the road?"

Was that you OP?

[–]Probles08[S] 3 points4 points  (12 children) | Copy

Could have been but who knows.

[–]hack3geRed Beret9 points10 points  (11 children) | Copy

You need to lose at least 40lbs and you likely underestimate your body fat - your lifts are decent so maintain them and clean up your diet. Try IF or keto should help.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Will do thanks.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

For reference I’m 190lbs, 12% BF, same height and have better lifts and I’m on gear.

You likely will need to get sub 180 to even get close to 10%.

[–]gameoflibidos6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm 4.5 years lifting.. 42 yo, no gear.

5' 11... 204lbs .. 330 dead, 275 squat, 215 bench

no gear is a demoralizing fucking grind bro. i've been on the edge of starting so many times and talk myself out of it.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I put on more muscle in 9 months on TRT / 1 blast than I did in 10 years of lifting - my situation is somewhat unique in that I took medication when I was younger that shut down my HPTA so my preTRT bloods were <200 TT, 5.5 FT and 6.5 E2. I had low T and low E symptoms that were miserable and actually causing me heart problems.

If you are mid range on bloods then likely a lack of progress is fuckarounditis

[–]Probles08[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah im not on gear. I was hoping to cut to 200 but I'll try 190 for size. And again will try on keto. Thanks again for the info

[–]OptimusRP1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

What is "on gear"?

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dat dere roids son...

I only mentioned it because it means he will likely lose a ton of muscle as he cuts and thus have to go even lower in weight. Muscle loss when not on gear is inevitable when cutting whereas on TRT or gear you barely lose any muscle and sometimes put some on.

[–]OptimusRP1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

10-4 good buddy.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Eh, 5,9 180lbs should put him around 12-15%. Im 5’10 185lbs but on a cut sit at 175lbs. 195 during bulk.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You realize it depends on body comp right? You are likely right based on his lifts but if he’s mostly fat then all he will get is skinny fat at 180. Before really putting on mass I was 150lbs at 10% same height as him.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes I agree.

[–]OptimusRP7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't look back. Keep looking forward. Improve yourself and take care of your kids. Better days are ahead.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

OYS, every week.

You post on Tuesday, no excuses. Be the first to class.

Start developing your MAP now. it doesn't have to be great. It's a vision of the guy you'll be in a year to 24 months, u/hack3ge pointed this out.

Your punctuation and formatting matter. You don't get to piss on this Sub's carpet and then ask us to analyse the patterns. Write like you mean it. It'll still be garbage. But iit'll be garbage that you won't believe you wrote in a year because the guy who wrote it will be long gone.

Go Keto, you'll look in the mirror in a few months and won't recognise who is looking back at you. That is not an exaggeration. This feedback loop will be very positive for you. It is eye opening to see how differently people will treat you.

No games with the ex-wife. Communications are for logistics. No pouting, complaining or displays of butthurt. No leveraging the kids.

Let her go.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Be the first to class.

I did this for the first 8 months of my journey. You want help? Be first in line. I usually waltz into that OYS thread now around 7:30am each Tuesday morning and there are like... 10ppl that have posted there. They are usually the ones that get a response. I help people who are eager for help and are doing the work.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you, I will do my best with all of this.

[–]jjj25763 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

You are going in the right direction, slowly. That’s okay. Swallowing the pill takes time.

What book are you reading after NMMNG? Consider using audiobooks and listen to them when driving/lifting.

[–]Probles08[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

I was thinking of reading the rational male someone here recommended that as well but I was thinking audio books as well.

[–]jjj25762 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I started with The Rationale Male. Then I did Pook, while doing WISNIFG & NMMNG. Stepped away for a stint to focus on other readings (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and fantasy shit)— going into the 48 Laws of Power now.

The Rationale Male will help you figure out where you fucked up— it’s the rules of inter gender dynamics. It is an absolutely required read.

Pook will help you actualize your own value— abundance mentality. Do other books first, imo.

WISNIFG will help you understand emotional manipulation and Shit Tests way better. You’ll need this so you can stop asking strangers online for validation after every shit test you pass or fail.

[–]Probles08[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thats good to know thanks for this info.

[–]RedPillGlasses0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Rational Male is the best book you will ever read to realize that your wife isn’t special. And never was.

[–]NoCoast825 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy

in relation to her being jobless she also asked if I could print her papers out needed for this job and maybe i should have to help her out being my kids mom but i had to be honest and say I'm sorry I cant do that anymore any extra help im giving you is just making me a doormat.

​

Her having a job benefits you, you're still messing this up man

​

Also she got very heated with me when i typed a formal document to have her sign saying she agrees to let me take the kids in so I could have it in writing

​

You don't have a lawyer yet do you?

[–]Probles08[S] -1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

No i dont have a lawyer yet and thats why i asked if me denying her that help was good or bad only cause she sees me as a reliable resource for things like this and in my mind i thought by removing this resource she would start to see my value but I get that was a mistake.

[–]BlackDogRamblin2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Go read the divorce advice posts by red-curious on the main sub. Then go find an attorney for Christ’s sake. Until you have solid legal advice, keep your communication with her to an absolute minimum.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Jesus Fucking Christ go get a fucking Lawyer. NOW.

You fucking dumbass! GO LOOK ON THE INTERNET AND FIND 3 IN YOUR AREA TO CALL TOMORROW. Make consultations with at least 2 of them in the next few days. Pick one. Put down a retainer.

Most that is going to cost you is $500. The retainer you can get back if you don't use it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

The retainer you can get back if you don't use it.

Sure can!

OP is a dumb fuck

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Especially if she makes you a pot of chili. Always get the retainer back for chili.

[–]lololasaurus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Also don't tell her you're getting a lawyer. Just do it and follow their advice. DO NOT TELL HER.

[–]helaughsinhidden5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Whatever you do for her, do it out of your abundance, not out of obligation or to get something in return. There is nothing that says you HAVE to be a dick because she's sucking on someone else's.

Good move getting it in writing that you and her agree to the arraignment, I've heard of other ex-wives verbally changing the pickups to make it look like the dad is either keeping them too long or trying to take them when not authorized to fuck them in court. That's the truth too. A common tactic is to tell him to show up when she knows the kids aren't going to be there, then call the cops because she's feeling afraid, getting an order for protection, then trying to make you break it to get you tossed in jail. All women are capable of turning into a mega bitch at any moment, but in the future, an email where she replies that she acknowledges your last message is as good as a signed piece of paper these days.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thats good to know and thats the thing i even as a "nice guy" I really did help her with stuff cause I truly wanted her to succeed and such. But yeah I did most of the adulting things like schedule dr appointments for the kids or any kind of appointments for them cause she would be too nervous or when she got selected for jury duty I'd be the one to look up her summons .

stuff like this she had me do that maybe or maybe not were out of using me but really never felt like an inconvenience to me so I did them but thats why I started to put my foot down cause it should no longer be my place but again im a newbie and still trying to find that balance in all this.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well done on returning post puke with new resolution - phase 1 complete

Phase 2 - determine your ideal outcome in the short term (1 - 3 years for divorce, frame, physique)

Phase 3 - Decide how to make ideal outcome happen

Phase 4 - DO NOT under any circumstances (within reason of normal human behaviour) , waver from your new mission. No DEER, no excuses, no apologies, no getting back together, no printing job forms.

I note that Subclause A to phase 2 - 4 - clearly states lift, read and stfu - become the man you want to be.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Absolutely I plan to keep moving forward thank you.

[–]lololasaurus2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

2 years and 7 days ago - Thanksgiving of 2017 - I walked with my brother around town from about 9pm until perhaps 1 in the morning so I could have a private conversation without my wife there. Because I was afraid of her hearing me.

I victim puked to him about how my wife was planning to leave me and how awful she was acting and recounted all the things she was doing.

He reminded me of the existence of the red pill and said she's working hypergamy. I thus found married red pill.

When I started I was fatter than you - I would have to go back to my logs but 245 or 235, I forget which. 5-9". I'd never lifted in my life. Never been in a martial art. Considered gym rats meatheads. My wife wouldn't have sex with me. I slept on a cot in my office frequently all butthurt at her behavior. She had separate finances and I put my money in a joint account, which she cleaned out all the time.

I started lifting. With the barbell. Strong lifts 5x5. I was a weak man. Not good at being a man. Not good at saying no. I couldn't avoid being butthurt. I had zero frame.

She fought back vehemently. Twice filed for divorce and withdrew it. That shifted a few months ago when she realized I'm willing to nuke it now myself (yeah, took me awhile to get through my whole unconditional marriage stuff) and I still remember the day I saw her face change when she tried to suggest she would violate a hard boundary for me and I told her I can't be married to someone who won't respect me and she realized who is more ok walking away.

I literally changed my life between now and then. I'm a different guy. I say no, now. That doesn't mean I have no struggles. We're still married, and I don't know if that will last, honestly. But I am ok with either way. I now weigh 178lb. DL 477, SQ 403, bench 210, ohp 143. I'm well into the 1000lb club. I train jiu jitsu and it turns out I'm actually pretty good at it usually. My children treat me differently now. My wife has gone from refusing to have sex with me to initiating on her own and doing all sorts of stuff that I thought was impossible to get. Only for the unattractive man though. I don't share finances anymore. If I don't want to spend money on something I say no. My marriage isn't where I want it and there are still some bad things, partly because of the many years I sucked at life, and partly because my wife really can be a challenge too.

I still suck at a lot of things. She is slowly becoming more amenable to my leadership but who can blame her; what kind of woman wants to follow a man who let it get that bad?

But I have a real mission now and it's not my wife anymore, and I'll keep on it whether she's in my life adding value or not.

You can do it. One thing I strongly suggest is not jumping back into a relationship or sex. Learn to be alone. Learn to be ok with just you. Your head isn't healthy to end up where you are, and if you catch oneitus you aren't healthy enough to not start validation seeking and changing your mind for a woman again. And then you're right back in the same patterns.

Don't do that. Do the sidebar. Lift. Change your life.

In 2 years when you look back, know how far you've come and smile. I just did. Life is pretty good compared to then.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Thats a great story it obviously has some parallels to my situation. I dont know what will come of this but this past week just by focusing on myself and continuing to lift I have been feeling alot better. Now I'm just working on my mental strides to start believing the things im learning.

As this post shows I am being alot more honest with her now and when she doesnt like it . I kind of DARE her to extant by deflecting and telling her i cant change how you feel but this is my choice. Shes not really liking it right now cause maybe my approach still isnt my best but i am atleast speaking my mind.

[–]lololasaurus0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It took me awhile to drop the she she she bs too.

Stop worrying about her. She's choosing to not be part of your life, stop living as though you need her permission to live yours.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thats true your right I dont need her permission for anything anymore thanks for the reminder.

[–]BarracudaRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In 2 years when you look back, know how far you've come and smile. I just did.

Great write up, congrats on two years. Have you considered sharing your story? With a little tweaking, your comment here could be its own post on MRP proper.

[–]BarracudaRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In 2 years when you look back, know how far you've come and smile. I just did.

Me too. Great writeup, and congrats on two years. Have you considered sharing your story? With a little tweaking, I think your comment/story could be its own post on MRP.

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

OP, you are letting your ego get in the way of working towards your best interests.

  1. It's in your own best interest that the stbx has a job and the playing field is leveled towards who would be the best caregiver in the eyes of the court. Do whatever it takes to help her get a job.

  2. It's in your best interest to establish a track record of who is providing primary care to your kids. If she moved in with Chad and the kids are home with you, that's enough. You don't have to mend your wounded ego by shaming her into wanting the kids.

Tell her you got the kids, take as much time as she needs to figure things out... and laugh all the way to family court.

Start a journal and document every thing you do for your kids. Every parent-teacher conference, every doctor visit, every meal you cook, every load of clothes you wash, every snotty nose you wipe. You get the picture.

Put your ego aside and make smart decisions that will benefit you in the short and long term.

[–]RedPillGlasses1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah,agreed, way better for you to have the kids.

You’ll REALLY be laughing when she gets her first job and you’re taking 1/3 of her paycheck too.

Ask me how I know.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for this i will have to get a journal for sure . I do know my ego is damaged hard right now so I admit it. I also admit my confusion in all this and just knowing when to be firm and when to ease up a bit i do feel I'm diving into this too deeply but I just wanna get myself back to the mental strenght i used to have

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Your posts sound fake.

[–]Probles08[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

They really arent. My situation is all sorts of messed up and none of this is a reality I ever thought id face. Again thanks to this place and the info from the side bar I do appreciate the honests truths and since i dont have many friends or family to talk to reddit is all i have.

[–]jjj25761 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your writing is too garbagio to be fake.

[–]Probles08[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

At least you recognize it.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

They are fake. When something just feels off it’s usually because it is.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, troll ... it’s especially noticeable in his comments after the post

[–]InChargeManRed Beret3 points4 points  (14 children) | Copy

Wait, is this little dick guy?

[–]Probles08[S] 1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy

Yup id say average dick guy but sure.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

Your wife seems to differ on that.

[–]redwall922 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

wife

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Now she does I know dick size isnt everything if you know how to use it and I do ive made her cum 4-5 times in a session more than once but I know (she didnt say how much bigger) even a one pump chump at 8 inches still fills more area than I do so that was the ego hit for me.

[–]bowhunter62 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dude, when bitches are into you and you fuck them properly, they will think you have a monster dong. Quit worrying about that shit. It literally doesn’t matter unless it’s microscopic.

[–]Probles08[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well thankfully its not microscopic, but yeah I'm not worried about that anymore . now that im post NMMNG I have a better outlook and once I start the rational male I'll probably feel even better

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You may think I'm an asshole troll the way I'm fucking with you about dick size, but realize that I may be doing you more of a service than you know. A man with frame would not have blinked at my comment, or AA, etc. You fell right in-line and even DEERed more about it, and further confirmed how much you are in her frame. You have a lot to learn, you are at the ground floor, possibly even underground at this point. Read the sidebar and get to work.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know you are and inappreciate the help thats why I responded with what my initial insecurity was but after reading NMMNG I dont even think of it anymore cause another poster was right when shes into you which she was any dick will feel good when your doing it right which i was. I realize sex was never my issue it was all the other stuff like my lack of FRAME and maybe I still did DEER to you but I know the harshest of words from you guys are for my own benefit and its really helping my footing so again thank you.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

MORE WORDS MAN!!! Throw more words at this guy.

This guy needs a temp ban to keep him from asking for more words from the group.

You are spot on about the DEER responses. They don't stop.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

quit worrying about your dick size.

it makes you insecure.

an insecure faggot.

Who the fuck thinks about other guys dicks? Faggots.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I dont care anymore my first post I did but after all the talks I got from that I atleast learned to move on from that. It was apart of my big insecurity in life but not the main source so that was easy to dump. The biggest part of my insecurity i need to work on is my need to be validated by others. So I'm gonna simply lift read and STFU and see how that helps me.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That's a great plan, and the same plan most men here need when the first arrive. Lift. Read. STFU.

Good luck on your journey.

[–]Probles08[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

my sides hurt lol



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