What would a young HVM look like?

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-10-29T16:52:48+00:00

-no more than 1-2 years older than you (this loosens a tiny bit once you’re over 30, I’d maybe do five years older at my age but at your age, stay away from anyone older, particularly if they only date younger)

-working on his career/school etc. he should already be somewhat self sufficient in early twenties but unless he’s a millionaire, he should be investing in himself and his future. No bar-hopping, binge-drinking, pot smoking, those behaviors don’t magically resolve themselves. If he wants to get married and have a family, he needs to be able to support that

-cooks for himself (no jokes about how you can do it for him)

-cleans for himself (no jokes about how you can do it for him

-minimal social media, no Snapchat. If he has social media it should be for family/business, no insta-thirst accounts. These men do not change, they only hide what you already know about them

-there should be a balance of wanting to see you, talk to you, spend time with you but also respecting that you are also working on establishing yourself in your twenties and not monopolizing your time to an unhealthy degree. There should be no expectation of you prioritizing his school/work/life priorities over your own, in fact he should be supportive of your classes/promotions/investments in yourself

-able to articulate emotions in a healthy manner. No jokes about “men only have one emotion” or “I can only think with one brain and it’s the one in my pants”. If he likes you, he should be able to say it. He also should be able to have a disagreement about things in a healthy manner, where there is resolution. Note that it shouldn’t always be like this, but there will always be a few disagreements and how men handle them is important as this doesn’t often change as they get older. ( I personally would stay away from any mental disorders unless he is actively managing them with health care professionals, and even then there’s no guarantee that it won’t take a turn for the worse. I also stay away from men with abusive childhoods or bad relationships with their mother as most men don’t do the emotional work to heal things like that and they come out)

-treats EVERYONE with respect. It’s cliche but how he treats the waiter, or the bus boy, or the random woman walking down the street says more about him then how he treats you in the beginning.

-his actions speak more than his words. In my experience LVM flap their gums about what they’re “going to do”. HVM just do it, it’s done and they’re on to the next thing. They’re too busy doing to waste time talking about it

-timeline should be steadily moving forward, with you included in it. You should not feel like you’re sitting around wondering where he’s at or what’s happening with you. It’s 100% fine to set an age (25) that you want to wait til (in fact I think that’s a really smart decision, you will change a lot from 20-30) but there should still be discussion that that is the goal. He should have already talked about it, made his intentions known, be saving for a ring etc. I personally wouldn’t move in prior to being engaged (and definitely not early in the vetting process) but it can be enlightening about people (provided you have a bullet proof exit plan. I personally like to semi-move myself in to their place once it gets more serious, they maintain their own bills etc and I maintain my place so I can see what it’s like to spend a lot of time co-existing but with no commitment on my part, I can leave and go home at any moment)

The one time I dated someone who was really in to me and not playing games it was noticable. What I had through were “normal” parts of relationships (stress, disagreements, drama, struggle) were nowhere to be found and it was just... easy and enjoyable. I could tell he enjoyed being around me, and he was open about it. He unfortunately had some unresolved childhood issues that he nursed with alcohol (never abusive, never mean, he just wanted to drink more than I was comfortable with coming from an alcoholic household as a kid) so I had to leave (he’s also the only guy that was respectful and understanding of my feelings and reasons when I ended it, no bullying, harassment or anger) but it made it really obvious that most men are emotionally abusive but society covers for them.

bye-raspberry · 2020-10-29T16:34:43+00:00

Physical green flags:

Good hygiene 100% of the time. Hair and facial hair are styled appropriately. Dressed respectably even when in very casual clothing - no holes or stains on his clothes. Owns a car, and lives alone with no roommates (unless he is still in college). Said car and home are clean and tidy. On dates, he's a good tipper. He uses good grammar when texting. He has a job and isn't still riding on his parents' insurance (again, unless he's in college). MUST know how to cook and clean.

Mental/emotional green flags:

Knows what he wants for the future re: career, family, life in general. Doesn't watch porn. People enjoy being around him. He has a good sense of humor. He is kind to people and animals. He has goals that align with yours. No "crazy ex" stories.

All of these things are just green flags and don't automatically make a HVM. It takes a few months at least to determine that. If a man fails to meet any of these, really consider whether he even has the potential to be a HVM.

throwRA8935747835 · 2020-10-29T18:39:48+00:00

Okay, so my partner is past his mid-twenties, but I'd still say the following:

Good relationship with family, but not dependent on them. You dont want or need to compete with his mum.
His place doesn't look like a shithole - he has clean clothes, bedding, etc - he gives a damn about appearance.
Open, healthy communication. A feeling of being on the same team.
You don't need to have drama, you don't need to talk about exes, nor are you interested in hearing about his.
He has ambitions and a clear plan for what he wants to do in the next few years. He is not just sitting on his ass playing games.
In terms of seriousness - he introduces you to parents and friends. He is comfortable being in a relationship. He makes specific plans - not just "oh maybe one day we should.." but remembers what plans you guys have and wants to work on them. Does not shy away from thinking about the future.

Gertrudethecurious · 2020-10-29T17:26:31+00:00

Heres my advice from someone who did all the wrong things.

Don't sacrifice your life's path and goals for your partner.

Never let your dreams and goals take a back seat for your partner's goals. They won't appreciate it and you can end up broke and stuck if the relationship ends.

Make sure you always keep a separate bank account, even if you have a joint one for mutual expenses.

Most guys want to have sex with you. Even your guy friends. They get worse and more obvious as they get older. I used to be flattered that men found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me but men will fuck anything and it is NOT a compliment. If in doubt, keep your clothes on.

I've never met a women who shagged a guy for a bet. But I know plenty of men who've shagged women for a bet.

I'm sure I sound bitter but I've been there, got the beer stained t-shirt.

Carpedictum · 2020-10-29T20:20:33+00:00

Here’s the only “test” for a HVM at your age: Do you feel fabulous nearly all the time about your relationship? When you do not feel fabulous, does he listen and genuinely work to fix the problem?

That’s it. Commitment? Pretty early on he should tell you he only wants to be with you. Doesn’t need to be a separate rule though because if he didn’t, you’d feel crummy, wouldn’t you?

Judging a man on potential is high risk at best, but in your age range that’s really all you’ve got to work with. So focus on yourself and what you want. I HIGHLY recommend you wait until about 30 to start really judging the long term value of someone. If a person makes you feel great, keep them around. If they don’t, bounce.

I definitely wouldn’t ask or care about “body count.” And for goodness sake, don’t call it that. At 24, I guess 20 is high, but that could be one girlfriend every school year, and a couple of bonkers spring breaks. I’d care more how he regarded any of the women he’s been involved with.

LizardInFirst · 2020-10-30T17:09:58+00:00

Doesn’t get involved with women, or have casual sex, unless/until he’s emotionally and financially ready for commitment. Takes time to get over someone if he needs to.

warinmymind94 · 2020-10-30T19:13:55+00:00

I'm gonna use my cousin, who is a HVM, as an example.

-close to your own age. Maybe 3 years older, max. -similar ideology/faith

-sense of independence and responsibility. Has a stable job hes sticking with. He has his own, reliable car.

-has a degree /trade school certificate

gets along well with the people around and respects them. My cousin hangs out with his family. He stepped up to help my grandpa a lot as he now is end stage Parkinson. He goes to run groceries for them, does lifting, yardwork, helps my grandpa shower and even cleans up if he had an accident. He doesn't get mad, he doesn't complain. He tries to talk nice to my grandpa to not make him feel bad.

-dresses nice and maintains good hygiene/maintains facial hair. Even in his days off my cousin keeps himself looking shaven and neat.

has friends. They should be like minded. My cousins friends are a lot like him and most married really young. They're all religious and college grads.

-has actual hobbies and interests that aren't anime or video games. My cousin likes travel, sightseeing, and going to events. He doesn't mind driving at all. Nothing is too far.

-shows up on time, well mannered, calm and patient disposition, polite to workers and others, makes sure you are taken care of. He won't mind holding your purse or wearing pink to support a beast cancer fundraiser. He will take your coat and hold doors. In social circles he will introduce you to everyone so you dont feel awkward.

-he will plan and initiate quality dates. He will walk you home/to your door/to your car. He will make sure you get home safe.

-doesnt rush to meet the family but after some time he will have you meet his family and be willing to meet yours. He will be polite and respectful not moaning and groaning. He won't tolerate family dragging his lady down or poking fun at things about her.

-he will be genuinely supportive of you but also won't smother or love bomb you

-he will want to include you on his events. If he gets invited to a work party or wedding he will want you coming along.

-he will make an effort to get to know your hobbies, interests, etc. Gifts and dates will be thoughtful as he keeps in mind what you enjoy.

-he won't be rushing to move in together or pressure you. My cousin lives at home and paid down his student loans and got a new car and himself financially secure before he even thought about popping the question. Hes been putting money away now for a while to save for the wedding and a house they can buy together.

My cousin is 24 and engaged for about a year now for reference. They started dating after he had been 21 for a little.

AbundantOverflow · 2020-10-30T00:48:16+00:00

I realize this is not what was asked for, but it's what I wish someone had told me at 21:

NO man deserves your time, energy, and focus right now. Invest heavily in yourself and only yourself. Focus on your education, career, wealth building, and self-discovery. Men will *always* be there. Your time at this season is such a precious and wonderful resource to be used laying the foundation for the life you want.

Society attempts to scare women into stressing about men and relationships and timelines way before we need to.

If I had it to do over, I'd spend most of my 20s on myself and only casually date here and there. Once I reached my late 20s/early 30s, I'd consider dating for a serious relationship or marriage if that was a goal.

You will never get this time back. It's unlikely you'll regret betting on yourself instead of endlessly vetting temporary boyfriends, ill-prepared suitors, and predatory 30 somethings.

Title	What would a young HVM look like?
Author	daenerystargaryenfan
Upvotes	106
Comments	17
Date	October 29, 2020 4:07 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jkcvha/what_would_a_young_hvm_look_like/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-would-a-young-hvm-look-like.327437 https://theredarchive.com/post/327437

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