Godliness isn't sexy

Godliness is important. You should live godly. It’s an appealing trait in a partner.

But it’s not sexually appealing.

To be clear, let's define godliness.

In a reply on this post, u/Red-Curious wrote:

The only thing I'll note, which has been alluded to in less clear terms by a couple people: what you really mean is "godliness" in the way churchianity defines the word. True godliness does, of course, inherently encompass a variety of attractive traits, including the significance of maintaining one's physical appearance (at least to a degree - one doesn't necessarily need to be a male model to be godly, but one does at least have to conquer basic obesity and have a modicum of pragmatically valuable strength).

This is true. Much of modern Christianity or "churchianity," as it's become increasingly known, has become feminized and "soft," their characterization of gender roles being one example. They leave out the masculine traits for men, while downplaying the submissive, feminine nature of women.

Their view of godliness is more narrowly defined and/or they redefine it, leaving out the masculine and feminine traits for each gender that can make one more sexually appealing, and often completely excluding they physical. When's the last time you heard even part of a sermon on men being assertive or dominant? For strength to be something more than something internal? Or for men and women physically care for their bodies since it's the temple of the Holy Spirit?

With this in mind, and a focus on piety and just being a good man or a good woman, but neglecting the physical, their dating advice amounts to "Just find a good person, and don't focus on physical attraction."

What's more, it's not just a "don't focus on it" but sometimes, an outright opposition to it. As if wanting an attractive mate is so superficial it borders on being an ungodly trait.

The only thing I'll note, which has been alluded to in less clear terms by a couple people: what you really mean is "godliness" in the way churchianity defines the word. True godliness does, of course, inherently encompass a variety of attractive traits, including the significance of maintaining one's physical appearance (at least to a degree - one doesn't necessarily need to be a male model to be godly, but one does at least have to conquer basic obesity and have a modicum of pragmatically valuable strength).

 

In short, "godliness" for some has become a substitute for attraction, and it's hurting relationships.

Too often, I see others talking about godliness and treating it as if it’s something that generates sex appeal or physical attraction.

It doesn’t.

Since godliness is a characteristic one should cultivate in yourself and look for in a potential spouse (living godly is a biblical command, after all), and seeing that characteristic expressed in actions can make you like, admire and respect a potential mate more.

You may confuse those thoughts or emotions with physical attraction, though, and you do well to recognize the difference.

Because what happens is one can think “I need to find a godly spouse, and if I do, then the physical stuff, the attraction and all of that, will take care of itself.”

And when it doesn’t work out that way, you find yourself in a bit of a conundrum and it’s hard to get out of.

 

Priorities, priorities.

One of the counter arguments you often hear is that “abc attribute” is more important, therefore “xyz attribute” shouldn’t or doesn’t matter.

This is dangerous thinking, and wrong.

So let’s get this out of the way and be exceptionally clear.

Yes, godliness (and many other traits that God says we are to be), are far more important than, say, physical attractiveness.

It’s not even close.

But that doesn’t mean attractiveness isn’t important, or that it doesn’t play a very big role in your life and relationships.

It does.

And you should seek a partner that you are physically attracted to, because a lack of attraction can (and very likely will) cause problems in your relationship.

Prioritize godliness. Make it (far) more important than physical attractiveness.

But do not make it a substitute for sex appeal.

When choosing a spouse, get your priorities straight and focus on their walk with God (and yours, of course), but do make sure you are sexually attracted to the woman you want to marry.

And the more attracted, the better.

You’ll be happier, your relationship will go better and life will be more enjoyable!

Quick note: Attraction is important for both sexes, and the relationship dynamic benefits when you’re each attracted to the other (and suffers when one is not), but I’d argue it’s even more important for men when choosing a mate. Women can “settle” attraction wise a little more compared to men and still enjoy a great relationship, but there still has to be attraction on both sides.

Take note of this, and act accordingly.

Second note: We’re all born with the raw materials we have, but physical attraction can be improved. So to a significant degree, it’s a fixable issue if one is willing to work on it.

That’s the thing, though. Are they? If you place your hopes in thinking they’ll be committed to improving themselves, you may be let down. Find one already committed to being the best version of themselves, including the physical.

Again, don’t discount the fact this is a fixable issue to varying degrees, but keep in mind you (and your future mate) have got to want it, and be willing to put in the effort.

Cross posted from Godliness isn't sexy

Since I was watching the movie Road House tonight, I’ll include these lines:

Dalton: “Why you’d stay?”

Red: “Oh, I got married. To an ugly woman. Don’t ever do that. Just takes the energy right out of ya.”

Dalton: [smile/laughter]