Signs You're Dating A Loser

Yianna_F · 2020-04-06T09:18:48+00:00

Great resource OP! :-)

PART A:

"The Loser"

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Comment (September 27, 2003)

This article was published to the Internet several years ago and was originally written to help identify "Losers" in relationships. The e-mail feedback I have received on the article has been tremendous. It's clear the article is a way of identifying not only "losers" but controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals. It's also obvious these warning signs are not only found in dating relationships - but in our spouse, our parents, our friends, and our relatives. There are more victims in the environment of the Loser than his or her partner.

I've been contacted for help by the friends and loved ones of people involved in relationships with Losers (controlling and/or abusive partners). The loved ones want to understand the situation and ask for recommendations and guidance. For this group I have recently published "Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser". A link to this article is found at the end of this page.

Obviously, this article has created the need for sequels. I hope to publish a guide to assist Losers who want to change their life and behavior. An article addressing sons and daughters who were parented by Losers is also being planned. If our parent or parents have the characteristics listed in this article, our ability to function as a healthy adult may be hindered due to the dysfunctional family/parent model. My goal is to follow this issue and provide help and guidance to all those involved with controlling and abusive individuals - from partners to extended victims.

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

Edit: to add the excerpt

fenyx202 · 2020-04-06T13:15:51+00:00

This was painful to read. I hate being stuck.

With the SO, the waitress test doesn't work. He'll go on and on about the waitress test and how he's such a great person because "look at how I treat the waitress". It's nauseating.

persephones_torch · 2020-04-06T09:17:41+00:00

Saw this on the narc subs. Not sure if this has been posted here but it should be very helpful in identifying red flags for an abusive man.

Sewud · 2020-04-06T11:03:18+00:00

This should be required reading for teenage girls. However, I feel like even if I read this as a teenager, I would not have recognized "the loser" because the text projects a certain imagine in my head. To me this projects the image of like a loud gangster type especially with lines like "I don't take nothing from nobody". But I've encountered "the loser" in guys who were quiet introverts, shy and unpopular with women. So I think it should be read and discussed to stress the fact that it's the behaviors, not just the type of guy.

Queencake504 · 2020-04-06T10:52:06+00:00

8. Breakup Panic This one really stands out to me with my ex.I picked up on his slowfading towards the end of the relationsht.In a years time he went from hot to cold to breadcrumbing the rest of the way.When i picked up on the slowfade(pre FDS i didnt even know there was a term or it was a thing )i called him on it and was tellin him its over.He gaslit me and made me feel like the bad guy and i forgave him.🤡 😒 well a few days later he text me he had something to tell me.He didnt tell me that day dragged it out for 2 more days all dramatic then dumped me pathetically by text.Okay my thing was he was gonna dump me anyway but since i caught on to the games he had to lower me back to his level so he had the "power" to pull the rug out under my feet .It had to be on the loser's terms.Needless to say he's dead to me.With me there is NO comin back from that type of underhanded sht.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-04-06T10:52:06+00:00

ALL OF THIS is my ex. And it was all obvious within the first six months of the relationship. But I kept persisting - "he's a great person despite all the issues, and he loves me" - and ended up trapped with an emotionally disturbed narcissist for four fucking years.

I wish this shit was taught in high school or something. Like sex ed. I wish EVERY woman had easy access to this information. It can be lifesaving in many cases.

DejaBlue_Chump · 2020-04-06T18:23:06+00:00

This is a great resource.

Even during the honeymoon phase of the relationship LVM will start testing your boundaries. It is important to take notice of those seemingly small things; he is determining if you will stick around as he continues to ramp up the abusive behaviors.

I had a guy begin calling me insulting names during normal conversation. He told me it was an affectionate, teasing thing that was a compliment, and showed how comfortable he was around me. I told him I didn't like it, and that he had to stop immediately. He agreed, but unsurprisingly, broke things off a couple of days later. I set a boundary and the trash magically took itself out!

ErikaNaumann · 2020-04-06T14:32:26+00:00

Excellent reading. Should be taught to everyone in school. Thank you for posting.

imnotinthemoodbye · 2020-04-06T19:18:49+00:00

wow, so basically ive been with textbook definition “the loser” for 3 years and i’m SO happy i ended it. it sucks to acknowledge it but i’m happy for myself and that’s what counts the most.

2020-04-06T14:37:49+00:00

This should be in the sidebar, honestly. I first read Dr. Carver's article years ago when I was dealing with a string of NVM. He opened my eyes to the fact I wasn't crazy and that I needed to run.

darling89 · 2020-04-06T10:35:25+00:00

Thanks for this 🙂

quaintlyspoken · 2020-04-07T01:12:37+00:00

This should be pinned or added to the Handbook

grimreapersdtr · 2020-04-07T18:27:17+00:00

Great post

Title	Signs You're Dating A Loser
Author	persephones_torch
Upvotes	150
Comments	33
Date	April 6, 2020 9:16 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fvvkhe/signs_youre_dating_a_loser/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/signs-youre-dating-a-loser.678872 https://theredarchive.com/post/678872

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