"At least he's not abusive..."

myousername · 2020-03-29T17:18:53+00:00

Apparently, until I read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" I didn't actually understand what it means to be abusive. I thought it was only abusive if he was actively beating her and leaving marks. In the book, he mentions other ways men use their physical size/strength to intimidate women, and realized, holy shit, most of the guys I have dated have done one or more of these things:

-Blocking you from leaving, for example standing in the doorframe not allowing you to pass

-Destroying your personal belongings during an "uncontrollable" rage (but not his things)

-Slamming doors, cupboards, stomping around violently

-Throwing objects in in your general direction and missing you narrowly

-Grabbing your arm or other body part to prevent you from leaving, hold you in place, or drag you along with him

Ms_Tilly · 2020-03-29T14:45:43+00:00

When I told people I got out of an abusive relationship, the first thing they would ask was "did he hit you?" Like people can only be physically abusive🤦🏻‍♀️

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-03-29T17:36:40+00:00

“You’re lucky I don’t hit you.”

grimreapersdtr · 2020-03-29T18:15:43+00:00

I think I've heard shit like this from women in my family, too.
For many people, having young women in their family remain married is like a status-symbol for them. Having women who are single and/or divorced somehow makes their family "lose face", so they will pressure/coerce women into accepting the unacceptable in order to "keep the peace... and be socially acceptable to everyone else".
THIS is why I warn women NOT to be surprised if their families DON'T support them when they leave abusers, and to fully expect their family to rally behind the man. Happened to me, and my family is in a "progressive country", and nobody is extremely religious or politically conservative, either. People can say one thing, but their behavior is the complete opposite.

circescircus · 2020-03-29T15:20:02+00:00

I haven't heard this in my family, but I've heard it from family friends/in general.

One of my aunts was married to a womanizing gambler alcoholic who wouldn't come home for 2-3 days at a time. She wanted a divorce, but she was 21, broke and with a baby. My grandfather paid for a divorce attorney with his social security checks, his only income. He hated seeing her miserable, he didn't care about gossip. Mind you, my grandfather was an old man who didn't speak English, immigrated to the US with a lot of old world mentalities.

I think the way families are set up, way back in the day, sets the tone for generations to come.

2020-03-29T18:18:28+00:00

I got the next step down, which was "he's had a hard life," so excuses for abuse and anger that I'd be upset about it.

2020-03-29T21:42:29+00:00

This hit close to home. Two of my ex boyfriends were abusive. One didn’t necessarily hit me but he sure did push me, threatened me, invaded my privacy and called me the worst names. When I FINALLY came to my senses and broke it off, his two sisters who I despise literally said “Theres no way our sweet little brother can do that! He didnt physically abuse you or even leave marks”. Then I also realized that they are extremely dependent on their LV husbands and will tolerate just about anything lmao.

Sewud · 2020-03-29T18:56:35+00:00

How do you even establish someone was abusive? Whenever I say someone did something abusive, they just deny it and say it never happened.

riotous486saturn · 2020-03-30T05:11:25+00:00

What I do is leave after the first strike. I don’t allow them to explain. I just say: that isn’t okay. Usually abusers will test the waters. They’ll start small. Like joking about smacking you or about your insecurities. They think they can hide it under the “just a joke” category but they’re not kidding. It’s not a joke. It shocked/hurt you and they know it. Leave. Leave at the FIRST sign of a red flag. Always.

Edit for clarity: strike as in red flag, not them hitting me.

WinterMist44 · 2020-03-30T07:13:40+00:00

My parents are verbally abusive. They think they're good people because they're not physically abusive. It was still traumatic for me growing up in a house with shouting all the time.

Title	"At least he's not abusive..."
Author	cachecowgirl
Upvotes	117
Comments	38
Date	March 29, 2020 2:32 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fr6qhi/at_least_hes_not_abusive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/at-least-hes-not-abusive.679386 https://theredarchive.com/post/679386

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