As we all know, that datingoverthirty sub can be quite the shit-show. We have fixated on thirty as this turning point and there seems to be a general agreement among women (and some men) that things get “harder”; the quality and quantity of men diminish. Opportunities to meet single men shrink. And the men you do meet seem somehow worse than the guys you met in your twenties.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of reasons why this is the case, many of which come down to demographics and opportunity. More male babies are born then female babies, but infant mortality is higher for male babies than for female babies. Men are also more likely to die in their teens and twenties from suicide, drug use, or generally stupid/dangerous behaviour, and men, as we know, generally have a shorter life expectancy than women. There are more men than women in all age cohorts from 0-39 in the US; at 40, it switches, and women outnumber men.

In many large metropolitan areas, this demographic imbalance is even worse. There are 4.5 million women in New York City compared to 4.1 million men. In the McAllen-Edinburg-Mission area of Texas, there are 28.5% more women then there are men. El Pas has 27.3% more women. Washington DC sits at 11.3% more women.

If those numbers aren’t depressing enough, consider this aggravating factor: in 2017, there were 9.4 million women enrolling in a degree-granting institution, compared to just 7.3 million men. Women make up nearly 60% of post-graduate enrollment. Why does this matter? Well, as I am sure you are well aware, most women want to eventually marry men who are at least as educated as they are. Unfortunately, fewer men are making the cut. They would also prefer to date men who earn as much or more than they do, which is becoming increasingly difficult to do without a college degree.

Anecdotally, women report that dating in environments with these kinds of larger sex imbalances is worse: the men treat them worse, are less conscientious, less willing to commit, etc. It is also worth noting that men are often happy to date younger women, but women are less interested in dating younger men, further tilting the gender imbalance for women over 30. Finally, while it is impossible to demonstrate causality, it does seem that older, single individuals have issues with attachment anxiety that younger single individuals do not. Whether this is because they have developed anxiety over the years (which the youthful singles will themselves develop if they remain single) or whether they were anxious to begin with (and this kept them single) doesn’t really matter for us.

Ultimately, I am not telling you all this to get you to lower your standards. This is not a clarion-call for settling. Instead, I want to reassure you that you are not crazy, that your personal experience is shared by women all over the US and Canada. It behooves you to be aware of these stats and the ways in which the gender imbalance is supporting men’s bad behaviour.

So the question is: what can I do about this? Moving to a metropolitan area with a better male-to-female seems extreme, unless it’s somewhere that makes sense for you for other reasons. Expanding your dating pool into younger men is certainly an option, not that they don’t come with their own issues and hang-ups.

Consider this: asortive mating (marrying someone like you) has become the norm. Male doctors used to marry female nurses, but as women surged into medicine, male and female doctors have started marrying each other. This matters: 39% of married adults in the US making less than $20,000/year will end up divorced, compared to just 22% of those making over $75,000. One of the single biggest predictors of marital success is income.

Building yourself and your career will be good for you whether you ever get married. Work on you and level up, and don't get too discouraged - you are not alone!

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(P.S. I do have references for all of this - they have been omitted for brevity)