Refusing to have sex in a relationship

summerspring_ · 2020-03-05T16:52:40+00:00

You need to first decide what you want. Lets say you want to be abstinent/celibate? (I assume this might be what you want, by your post) Great. Now set it as your boundary and a promise/non negotiable to yourself. When you meet men, when you get to know them, you should tell this boundary. Idk when exactly you should tell them (maybe someone else has advice and how to). You will quickly sift through the guys who just wanted sex, as you were worried about, because they will vanish quickly.

Also beware of men who will agree and say they respect that you have this boundary, but later will try to cross it. I dont want to scare you, but telling you to be safe... this is what happened to me. I ignored red flags before hand, but I was abstinent, and the guy I was dating (LVM) said he respected me at first. Until a month later did a 180, he was like a different person, and sexualy assaulted of me... multiple times.

By the way, if that is the way you want to go, even tho it may seem uncommon, there are still people who are abstinence or celibate. Even like, Justin Bieber and Hailey. I also have a close couple friend who didnt have sex until marriage. And they are both HVM&W, and their relationship is great.

So if this is what YOU want, do it. Dont listen to other people telling you that you may not find someone because blah blah BLAH. I mean you also said yourself you'd rather stay single if the case was that they primarily want sex. You do what's right for you. There is a really good book, called How to find your Soulmate without losing your Soul.

2020-03-05T21:28:58+00:00

At this point I don't think I'd be comfortable having sex til marriage. I've never had sex and am a Christian though so I have some good excuses to point to. But I think even if I wasn't, I still would only feel fully safe in a committed relationship where I was totally certain the person wouldn't use it to fuck with my emotions.

I think the answer is, do not compromise if you aren't comfortable.

noodlepoodle123 · 2020-03-05T16:30:45+00:00

For a long time I felt uncomfortable having sex with guys I’m seeing unless he makes me feel very reassured that he sees us as a long term thing. But when the right guy came along, I realize the reason I felt that way was because the previous dudes were all LVM. The right guy should make you feel comfortable and wait for you while continuing to take you on nice dates etc, but like other me have commented, every relationship has some risk. I would try withholding sex until you feel completely comfortable with the guy. Even then, try withholding a bit longer lol. FDS Handbook recommends 90 day period before sex and I totally agree.

rinabean · 2020-03-05T17:20:54+00:00

What do you mean? Ever or for a time?

This sub recommends not sleeping with men for at least a few months, and also not really doing "relationships" in general. Yeah it puts a lot of men off, that's the point really. And keeps your head clearer.

But like ever? What's the point of a sexless relationship? Staying in a relationship that turned sexless is different, I would assume we would be talking about a marriage and the loyalty you would have to your spouse at that point, and some kind of health condition. But just... never having sex? I don't see why you would want that.

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-05T16:09:16+00:00

You're going to find it hard to get into a relationship if you're not wanting to get intimate at all, just telling the truth. I'm sure there are relationships in which one partner is asexual and they make it work somehow, but that's rare.

Totally feel you on not wanting to be deceived. Many men are getting what they want out of a relationship with a woman: sex, emotional support, ego boosts, etc and it leaves women feeling under-appreciated and used when the same energy isn't being returned.

As for finding something that's more authentic, all you can do is keep vetting him. Explaining this to him is just going to give him access to possibly being deceitful by telling you all the right things. Either way, if he's not chasing after you, he's not worth it. If he wants it to be easy, he's probably sleazy.

I would just continue withholding sex until you're comfortable with it. You're under no obligation to put out, if he's not putting effort in to allowing this to evolve naturally with you being eased into it, he's not respecting you. I don't think men are necessarily primal creatures that can't handle themselves, but sex is very important to them as well. You may as well be in control of what many of them want. If he's just into trying to bed you it will likely be obvious.

Pumpkinhead82 · 2020-03-05T16:08:46+00:00

This is a tricky subject. Just ended my LTR because I decided to stay abstinent until marriage. We were previously having sex, but my values changed because I’ve gotten deeper into my faith. It didn’t take my ex long to leave because of “resentment”. I didn’t expect him to stay to be honest.

I haven’t dated since, but I’m a little nervous about what it’s going to be like when I get back into the game. My advice would be for you to come up with a goal In mind. Do you want to wait until marriage? Or do you just want to wait until you are comfortable with the person that you’re with? I don’t expect you to answer those questions for me, but you should be thinking about them.

djburokas · 2020-03-05T18:54:09+00:00

my previous relationship failed because of this too . it wasnt intimate a lot because i was simply disappointed with sex in general because its always only men can feel pleasure and women are just like sex dolls and they wont try to pleasure their partner even so in the end everything failed because for a relationahip to work you have to have intimacy

krisy1990 · 2020-03-06T10:01:00+00:00

Have sex only when and if you want to.

Turbulent_Jicama · 2020-03-05T16:20:39+00:00

Ignore all these PICKMES discouraging you by telling you that it's going to be hard or that you will potentially lose out on a man. But porn sickness is a valid concern, but I believe that you can vet that without being sexually active with a person. At FDS we encourage women to never lower their standards or they will regret it later on. If a man truly sees you as his one and only queen, then he will wait ten years. You know why? Because you are irreplaceable and there is not another women like you. I have seen relationships where the other aspects of the relationship outweigh the physical relations and so the man does not mind waiting. They love the women that much.

But, I also think that in order to not feel tempted to compromise, you should try to develop some close friendships with women. This

DauphineOfViennois · 2020-03-05T21:41:35+00:00

Wow, there's some weird comments on this. I mean, obviously you can't be in a relationship for the rest of your life and literally never have sex so I don't suppose that's what you're talking about. I'm religious so sex before marriage just isn't happening... yes I've been dumped for it but even aside from beliefs would you really want to give it up, with all the risks that entails, for someone because they're holding the relationship over your head if you don't? That seems coercive. Though I do agree that this is a strong filter that will weed out many men. Like I said I've been dumped for it. That was before I understood the importance of dating within my faith. If you're not part of a religious community that believes this that will make it difficult (and I recommend cultivating your connections to any such community that's available/comfortable for you) but I don't think it's impossible. To avoid disappointment and frustration the rest of your filtering has to be very very rigorous. Try to avoid finding yourself in the position of suddenly figuring out a guy is LV only once you refuse sex. Cultivate yourself in terms of appearance and interests/activities so you will be seen as a prize who inspires patience and a highly interesting woman who's worth much more than her body. Of course we don't trade our bodies for dinner, but if you do a very traditional girly thing of dressing alluringly and accepting many romantic, white tablecloth dates, not having sex will seem much more incongruous and surprising than if you present a well-rounded persona. Also, have a firm threshold for when you will have sex, be it marriage, engagement, one year+vet his family, or what have you. (Other than an explicit belief about marriage, don't tell him what the threshold is. And if it's marriage, have firm guidelines you don't tell him about for when you will move in that direction.) I guess what I'm trying to say is - don't rest your whole strategy for defending your heart on not having sex, as such. Work the whole strategy. If you have other filters up you will have a much easier time protecting your intimate boundaries.

Nearby-Armadillo · 2020-03-05T16:05:50+00:00

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easteuropeangirl · 2020-03-05T16:15:18+00:00

I am in relationship and it’s totally fine if one of us isn’t in mood for sex. We just tell each other and we will make love next time then both of us will be happy with this. Is no joy in forcing your partner in sex, is abuse and rape and high valued people don’t do that, in special with beloved ones

TheOGJammies · 2020-03-05T15:56:56+00:00

I think that’s unhealthy - every relationship is a risk, it will never be zero. FDS is helping you lower your risk as much as possible. Not having sex at all increases your risk of unhappiness later because you will have No idea if the man can sexually satisfy you or if he’s a porn sick weirdo, which is important.

Using FDS methods is meant to help you weed out men who are flight risks or going to hurt you more than add value. Once you have identified a man who is not, then you focus on the next task which is overall life compatibility.

aclumsygirl · 2020-03-05T16:08:50+00:00

I understand where you're coming from, but the reality is that you will dramatically decrease the pool of men willing to date you. Sex is important to HVM, too.

This arrangement will only appeal to low-T beta guys, probably with some sexual dysfunctions, who are looking for fully platonic companionship. That's just not a lot of men.

quaintlyspoken · 2020-03-05T22:53:32+00:00

You don't ever have to have sex if you don't want to.

I was a virgin (intentionally) years beyond my peers and even after experiencing sex was celibate for a few years. I've actually debated going celibate/WGHOW or a lesbian to entirely circumvent men.

There are men who physically are unable to or naturally have a very low desire for sex - and we're not talking about porn sick, limp dicks.

That means that your dating pool will be much smaller and opens up the question of alternative relationship styles - if they suit your FDS style.

Friends leave for their romantic partners in this day and age so it's understandable why you would still want a partner to love and care for you.

Beyond that you don't need any reason to want to not have sex.

Understand that true love is generally only experienced between humans and their pet companions or mothers and their children. Some men know what love is.

You might want to check out some Asexual or ACE spaces for more information. Here on Reddit or off. I'm sure you'll find many resources.

I am beyond certain that you will find your exact person if you want this. Just expect to be shown the way, set your intent on being connected with them, and follow your intuition.

Edit: There are men out there who want out of the "Sex Matrix". Wutang even cut his own dick off. I don't imagine these men will walk around bragging about mutilating themselves to escape their beast selves but they exist.

Pipulka · 2020-03-05T17:01:30+00:00

I expect sex and will dump any man who doesn't want it. What's the point of dating without sex?

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