Why I’m here.

First off, I want to say that I just found this community a few weeks ago after hearing that it was essentially the “female version of MGTOW or any incel subreddit”. Interested to check out the “train wreck”, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by what I’ve found here and have found simultaneous solace and horror in the fact that my experiences are shared among so many in this community.

So why am I here? I have been divorced for six months now and some time/distance from the situation has given me a lot of perspective about my marriage. I met my ex-husband when I was 18. I’m 31 now. We were together for nearly 12 years. I thought he was the absolute love of my life, truly. He was my best friend. We got along great, seemingly had the same goals in life and just generally had a great marriage.

Last December, after a business trip, I picked him up at the car rental place to bring him home. We go grab some food, arrive home and a heaviness hung in the air. An awkwardness that I had never felt between us. Finally, his words come flying out of his mouth: “I don’t think I want to be married anymore”. I remember looking at him with complete surprise and confusion. It was so nonchalant and sudden like he was telling me that we needed more laundry detergent.

December was hell for me. We continued to live together through the whole month. I tried everything to fix our marriage. We went to one counseling session together, which was deemed a waste of time by him. I bought all the marriage books I could find and read them voraciously while he struggled to finish a chapter. I bought lingerie, got my hair done, dressed nicely, etc. I tried everything. I wasn’t just met with resistance but complete and total hostility and cruelty. I have never been so broken in my life. I lost about 25 pounds in December/January. I was struggling to do the most basic things.

He went out of his way to say hurtful things. Those things are seared into my memory. He looked me in the eye and told me that he didn’t love me on our wedding day and when I started to cry, he said this would all be a lot easier if I just got over it. He told me that there had to be something better out there than all this. After the last time we had sex, he told me that he felt gross. I was devastated by the the idea of divorce, but it was his words and cruelty that broke me. He continued to be horrible to me through December and I kicked him out several times, refusing to allow him to treat me that way. We spent the holidays away from each other. On January 5, after being out of the house for a few days, he asked for a divorce. He said there was nothing salvageable here. And he left.

Several weeks went by with no movement on filing the paperwork. We live in a state where there is no waiting period beyond the judge’s workload, so it all could be over very quick. Nearly three weeks went by and he had done none of the paperwork. I had had enough. My sadness turned to anger. I remember I put on my my best business professional outfit because I wanted to feel powerful and went to work that morning. I work in state government and just work a few blocks from the courthouse where the paperwork had to be filed. My ex had said that the paperwork was “hard” and “confusing”. I did it online in 30 minutes. Printed it out, walked it down to the courthouse and had it filed in an hour. I felt so incredibly empowered. I even paid for it be served to him at a work. I wanted him to have publicly acknowledge what he had done. He was angry about that. He said it embarrassed him.

He asked to meet, he wanted to talk about if we could work things out. I agreed to meet. We talked at his work and I asked if he wanted to met for dinner that evening. We had the first constructive conversation we had had in six weeks. I felt that maybe we could work it out but had huge reservations due to the things that he had said and how secretive he had been with his phone while he was still living at home. At dinner, he mentioned that he had kissed his co-worker since he had moved out. This co-worker had been on his business trip that proceeded the big “d-bomb” and I had previously been a bit concerned about their relationship. Then when he was secretive with his phone, I saw her name pop-up repeatedly.

When we talked that night, we parted ways with a little more hope that maybe we could reconcile. The next day we were texting and I told him some of my non-negotiable things that I needed to be able to work towards reconciliation. The biggest thing that I needed from him was to cut personal contact with the woman from work. I realized that they had to work together but there could be no outside of work contact and even that eventually he would need to find a new job. His response was “she’s going through a divorce and she really needs me”. I was at a gynecology appointment for my yearly exam and getting a full STD panel because I didn’t trust that my husband hadn’t fucked this woman while on his business trip. I filed the rest of the paperwork that day.

The day the divorce finalized was the worst day of my life. I felt like a ghost. I slowly but surely started stringing together good days. I bought myself a goal board. I put daily goals that were simple: eat two meals, stay hydrated, get 7+ hours of sleep, etc. I started getting my life back together and over the next few months, I built raised beds in my backyard, I finally broke my goal of a sub-30 minute 5k and then broke it again and again, I kept the weight off that I had lost but in a healthy way and I painted rooms the colors that I wanted. I was able to keep the house, the pets and one of the cars. My financial situation is better than it was while I was married. This has been the hardest year of my life. Add in quarantine and the uncertainty of the world and it has been crushing at points, but I did it. I have my best friend and her husband living with me and it has been amazing to reconnect with them and build this new, little family. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come in six months.

I have been almost completely no contact. There have been things that have come up that required contact for logistical reasons. In March, I texted him about a bill that had come for him. We caught up and then the conversation devolved into rehashing our relationship. He begged for me back and admitted that he had made a horrible mistake. I would’ve given anything to hear that in the previous months but at that point, I was strong enough to decline. And while I don’t get any joy from his pain, I felt so strong in my resolve. This week, another logistical conversation had to happen. Yet again, he talked about how much he missed me and how much he was struggling. He mentioned that he was thinking of checking himself into a mental health facility because he wasn’t getting any better. His depression and anxiety had not let up since December.

I suppose the moral of this whole story is that you cannot rely on others for your happiness or your healing. I have learned an incredible amount about myself this year. I have learned to stand up for myself in a huge way. I have solidified my self-worth and my strength. I have felt completely uncertain and completely certain of myself over the last six months, sometimes from moment to moment. The biggest lesson has been that I know that I can do anything and that I can stand on my own two feet. And it feels fucking great.

Edit: Forgot to add that as soon as lockdown was over, the affair partner found a new boyfriend after fucking around with my ex for a few months. Her divorce still isn’t finalized. She has two young daughters, potentially pickmeishas-in-training.