Ladies, settle in, this may be a longer one.

I found FDS a year ago after ending a pretty good LTR of many years. Seeming HVM in a lot of respects who I'd known most of my life. He wanted marriage, I didn't. I had a female relative who was a bit too opinionated back in the day and ended up in an asylum put there by her husband and I swore I would never be in a position to have my partner commit me for any reason. (For those who may not know, in the 30s/40s/50s/60s it was not uncommon for women to be locked up by their husbands for literally no valid reason except speaking out/not obeying men). Relationship was great until he turned into a workaholic who put me on the back burner and stopped showing affection. When I ended the relationship we'd had a dead bedroom where sex 10x a year was normal. He was aspie as opposed to Cluster B if you feel me.

I then met narc ex who was fantastic at first (lol). The sex was ahmazing and he was a true PEK. I slowly found out just how horrible and deviant he was as love bombing turned to devaluation. Didn't want to give up the sex, but slowly, that got rote, the adoration and multiple orgasms left and I kept finding out more and more depraved shit about him. Then, here's what happened. He was at my house, committed to making things up to fight about. About an hour into word salad and those EXHAUSTING circular conversations that go nowhere, I looked over at him.

At his large, palid gut jiggling and heaving as he expressed his (self) victimization. The doughy hairless chest, each nipple ringed in coarse black hair at least as long as the penis he was so insecure about. The large moles that drew attention away from heavy purple under eye bags on a face who's pores hadn't been properly cleansed since 1993. His large, sagging, furry scrotum that hung nearly a foot lower than it had in his prime. I listened to the high, whiny, lispy voice that was inventorying all of my supposed flaws. I gazed at the ungroomed, cracked hairy feet w/talon toes; and I thought why the fuck am I putting up with this when I can just kick him out and chill with my dog?

So I did. Went NC and got active here. Started reading and focusing all of my love, time, attention and energy on myself. Found Florence Givens (from a queen here) and schooled myself in radical feminism. Realized I'd been conditioned by family and society to praise and pedestal men over my own best interest, for the entirety of my life. Now? It's like I've been woken up. Not by a prince's kiss but by the wise words of my sisters. I see males now as they really are without my rose colored conditioning glasses. And let me tell you, they are unimpressive AF, both individually and as a whole. I feel like Shallow Hal after he got the "spell" taken off. I don't think I will ever seek anything from a man again and don't plan on exerting one ounce of energy on them going forward.

Just wanted to thank you all, especially the ruthless strategists that didn't sugar coat shit. Brava :)