How do you sustain a mutually awesome sex life?

PureCaitie · 2018-06-07T16:27:31+00:00

I am going to give you some opposite advice. Men like to solve problems and to do this they need to be given a brief summary of what the main issues are. For him to help you figure it out he needs some sort of actionable problem. (I unfortunately do this to my husband all the time where I am figuring it out and never expressing what the problem is or what I want or need. From what you said in post, "I wish sex was playful and explorative" - so describing what those mean and then speaking to him is going to be easier for him then asking him to discover a feeling you have by reading a book with you. Heck, make bullet points, make a power point, im sure he has ideas on some explorative things he would like too.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2018-06-07T21:54:10+00:00

So it sounds like you’re trying to figure out what you want sexually, and you want him to wait for you to come to a conclusion before sex or bj’s?

I don’t think him reading a book on female sexuality is going to help anything. He doesn’t want to read it, it’s not his mind to figure out. You might not even agree with the book, then all of his reading is pointless on a book targeted specifically for women that he can’t relate to. This book is to help YOU, not him.

As for your own sexuality and enjoyment, it’s really not complicated. What do you like to do in bed? What don’t you like to do in bed? Are these things reasonable requests or refusals?

If you don’t like anal and your bf only wants anal, I could see why you don’t like sex. If you don’t like facials, and he does, makes sense right? If cunnilingus doesn’t do anything for you and he loves going down, boring right?

I think you need to understand that this is your problem, and you’re turning your problem (uncertainty about sexual desires) into his problem (lack of sexual intimacy). Sex is important, and just stopping sex will cause issues in your relationship.

Whisper · 2018-06-07T23:23:31+00:00

When he wants to have sex, the way he kisses me changes, and I know what’s impending. I clam up. And I get annoyed. My brain starts up with “He wants something from me, isn’t trying to create much of an intimate setting here, I’m just going to disappoint him and feel guilty”

Overthinking.

That little LED light on the turned-off television isn't the reason you can't sleep... it's just a thing you're focusing on because you have insomnia.

strategic_expert · 2018-06-07T16:42:19+00:00

If you want to be playful and explorative, just do it! I believe I know how you're feeling right now (I think.) You're waiting for permission to perform the way you want to or you're waiting for the feeling to be just right or you're waiting for him to do that thing that's exactly right without you telling him what that thing is so that you feel the most comfortable.

If you want something a certain way, express it fully. You're shy and nervous right now, and that's okay! Express that as well! If he doesn't understand or isn't doing whatever it is the way you wanted, continue to try and communicate in different ways. Be playful!!

This is new for you and you are nervous. So that hamster wheel is a spinnin'. But don't worry! If he does love you then he may very well be excited at whatever new sexual adventure you want to bestow upon him.

cherryhearts · 2018-06-07T17:08:57+00:00

I like to remind my guy about how good he is at pleasuring me. Makes him feel proud of himself and eager to do it again. So positive reinforcement that he's soooooooooo good at turning you on is really helpful.

Honey_Mommy_82 · 2018-06-07T15:35:45+00:00

He needs to read Sex God Method. I harp on this book all the time,but it is the best book out there for the majority of men.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ghqyx3c8t6bq69b/SGM.pdf?dl=0

It sounds like you need more comfort and soft time with him, which you need to be upfront about your needs. And, when he does meet your emotional needs, for heaven's sake, TELL HIM. Reward him, thank him, appreciate him when he does. Otherwise he just hears that whatever he does isn't enough, and when he does try you don't notice.

injusticeresearch · 2018-06-07T15:56:46+00:00

I just made a similar post so I'm gonna copy and paste it with a little embellishment

be vocal and kind when explaining how you feel

Nothing he is doing is trying to oppress you but it's ok to speak to him about how the things he says make you feel because of social context- explain you feel this way even though you understand this is not his intention and offer solutions on how to rephrase the initiation to make you feel more supported and appreciated

ex: Could I get a blowjob vs, honey it's amazing the way you do X, I'm getting amped up just thinking about it

Both came from the same place of love for you and the desire for a blowjob but one felt like an expectation and one made you feel appreciated

phrasing and body language is so important

With a long term partner, just as you pay attention emotionally to each other you also need to pay attention sexually. A relationship that is constantly growing, evolving and changing with two people pursuing the best versions, and understanding of themselves while supporting each other will never be dull or stale. This applies to their love lives as well.

Often, esp early in the relationship you can just jump right in to sex! But over time this may change, and people tend to neglect the "not inherently sexual forms of foreplay" needed before sex.

Sometimes you need to be put in a situation with sexual tension, or context - like a

-candle lit dinner

-Romantic movie, or less planning/energy intensive things like

-Just purposely paying a little extra attention to appearance to impress your partner (even if it's as simple as cleaning up your living space, putting on a nice outfit, or gel in your hair, or brushing teeth)

-Making out without the expectation of sex

-A massage,

-Or straight up casually watching porn together (helps him to know your fantasy porn pref, and vice versa)

none of these mean that you'll be having sex after but they increase your intimacy and desire for sex

it's on you to talk to him about your preferences, what sort of things put you in the mood- also give back what you get and feel free to initiate these and ask what acts of service he likes to put him in the mood, seeing the reactions and pleasing your partner can often be a big turn on for yourself

This also explains why you may not feel tempted to initiate sex while in casual contact i.e. boxers and chill town.

Physical appearance is an important aspect of desire- keep up healthy gym and diet aspects that will only improve your health longterm

the biggest sex organ is the brain and it's closely bonded with them eyes (and ears- dirty talk is fun too!)

If there are things he does or wears you like, be vocal! Say hey I liked when you did/wore X would you do the same tonight?

Just as you put thought effort and consistent communication into other parts of your relationship you can't neglect sex- it's good to talk about what you're feeling even if you don't know why (while minding to always make your partner feel secure and loved). It's good to experiment with possible solutions.

If you ever notice a severe drop in libido it could always be biological (new form of birth control, hormonal imbalance etc.) if you communicate and experiment with all these solutions consistently yet still find yourself questioning why the spark is gone you may want to talk with your gyno

MissNietzsche · Thu Jun 7 17:26:23 2018 UTC

My boyfriend seems to touch me more often than I touch him. He never asks for anything from me, but it compels me to give him the 2+ blowjobs a day he thrives on and actually enjoying what I'm doing.

It is amazing finding someone who is unselfish too.

subgirl182 · 2018-06-07T22:28:49+00:00

As soon as you start feeling like he wants something from you, you're going to struggle to get aroused. You need to try to remember that he wants to share intimacy with you rather than just take something from you. Your body is his and his yours. When you are giving you will find the confidence to make suggestions and get him to please you. Definitely worth resolving before kids if you can as once you have kids, there is always somebody wanting a piece of you!! x

sarahindewoods · 2018-06-08T07:50:37+00:00

I agree with a couple of the post above that you should talk to him about this. Sex is not an individual act, you do it together and together you build an environment and set boundaries (unconsciously most of the time) in which both of you can thrive. As such I do not see how you can “fix” this without him in the equation.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t have to work on it yourself. From your post I can see that you are a lot in your head while having sex (or in the moments leading up to sex). When I’m worried about other stuff this sometimes happens to me too. What I do in such situations is do a mindfulness-type of exercise. I try to focus on his touch on my body. If he touches the arch of my back, I try to feel every single finger touching my skin. Every time you catch yourself thinking something else, you recognize it, and try to refocus on his touch. It has really worked for me, because it brings you to the moment you are in right now, instead of what is coming after. Considering you actually like sex with him, this might help you to enjoy also the first part of it. Try to feel his change in kissing as his desire towards you.

Good luck!

Willow-girl · 2018-06-10T15:00:36+00:00

Cultivate your relationship. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place! Look at old pictures or reminisce on stuff you did while dating, etc. Try to spend quality time together outside of the bedroom, just chilling or having fun together. Touch each other a lot -- hugs, kisses, etc., not just in the bedroom.

Also, confine all of your sexual activity/expression to your relationship. Don't masturbate, look at porn (unless it's with your husband) or read erotica. Make your husband the sole source of your gratification.

If you start to panic when he initiates, it may help to keep the ball in your court, so to speak, by being the one to do the initiating. Look at your schedule and figure out times when you'll be free and not exhausted, and plan to jump his bones then! This will allow you to get into the proper mindset first instead of having to play "catch up" during the act.

WilliamWyattD · 2018-06-10T15:11:35+00:00

Is it possible that hypergamy is acting up, and you are simply no longer finding him that attractive on a deep level?

You mention how kind and even hot he is. In today's culture, it's easy for physical attractiveness to become overrated, especially for women who are attracted--at a deeper level--to a wider variety of things. So maybe his physical hotness had an inflated value for you in determining his SMV/RMV, but your relative valuation of superficial appearance has declined. You are seeing other things you don't like and implicitly recalculating his SMV/RMV to a lower level. Perhaps one that you implicitly feel is too low and below yours.

One hypothesis might be that your base reaction, and your "hamstering" about it, can all be explained by the all too common rationale of a woman having lost the right kind of admiration/respect for her man, and thus basic sexual attraction has gone out the window...replaced by repulsion.

RatedRDisney · 2018-06-07T15:28:57+00:00

I understand that it may be difficult to please someone 100% of the time without reciprocation. However, it takes two to have sex, is there anything he does for you sexually? The way you make it sound is that you are doing all of the work with no pleasure in return.

Are you both working on maintaining attraction for one another? If not your sex life will falter, its an active goal to work on, on both sides. Pulling away isn't going to help the situation either, and he will read that wrongly. It will lead to more problems as he might think you are losing attraction for him and react in a negative manner.

canyousmellechidna · 2018-06-07T23:44:28+00:00

Are you saying he doesn’t go down on you too much? Or doesn’t get you off first?

I think a true gentleman should spend most of his time getting his lady off before he gets off. You shouldn’t be able to move if he is doing it right. When I was younger my first boyfriend was like this, we called it “zombied”, because when he was done with me, I would be very incoherent and in a zombie-like state. In return I would pretty much do anything for him (he had some very interesting/odd roleplay requests lol).

How we got such good sex was communication and the fact that he was just a big pervert behind closed doors. Men are supposed to love sex, they should be more than willing to fulfill your sexual desires. Tell your man what you want and tell him you need more prepping and foreplay before the actual sex. You need to be held, make out a lot, make sure his hands wander to other parts of you, let him know you want him to spend more time making you feel good. Could it be possible he just doesn’t know how to? Porn can be a good teacher, if you two are willing to watch some together. Toys are great fun too if he is willing to use them on you.

Some men really are just shitty sexual lovers too.. Some people can be selfish and just want all the pleasure for themselves.

Finishedschool · 2018-06-08T11:40:24+00:00

It may not be possible to sustain a sex life that wives enjoy as much as husbands enjoy. And while not ideal, that's okay. Just think of it as a task? There's so much more to lose by NOT having sex with your husband (regardless of reason why) than there is to just doing it and getting it over with, no?

Title	How do you sustain a mutually awesome sex life?
Author	PureCaitie
Upvotes	26
Comments	33
Date	June 7, 2018 2:50 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8pawlk/how_do_you_sustain_a_mutually_awesome_sex_life/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-you-sustain-a-mutually-awesome-sex-life.74808 https://theredarchive.com/post/74808

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