How to break a trauma bond?

companyofwolves · 2021-02-23T22:21:25+00:00

Distance. Distance, distance, distance. The way you break the bond is to stay away from the source; block, delete, distance. You put up boundaries and then you never violate them. Trauma bonding is one of the laziest tactics of a LVM to keep a partner; it requires nothing but a few nice words/acts after being their inherently abusive selves.

Get away from them, get rid of things that have to do with them. Remove all traces of them from your life (within reason, ofc - some people have children with these men). Do not follow them on social media. Block even their email addresses. Do not keep "Switzerland Friends" aka, people who want to remain neutral about the abuser and be friends with both of you for the sake of harmony. If you catch yourself thinking about them, stop. The further away you get, the more the bond grows faint until you can see it for what it really was: abuse.

Jinxhourglass · 2021-02-23T23:12:18+00:00

Full no contact. Treat it like a drug addiction. He's your drug. You can't even have a little. So that means no sneaking a peak at his social media, no sneaking a peak at his friend's social media. No watching his YouTube. No signing up for OLD to read his profile. Nothing. He is dead and no longer exists. Block his phone number, block him on all SM, block all his friends, block his email. Throw out everything he gave you or that reminds you of him. It's rough at first, but it gets easier with time.

-pop-fizz-clink · 2021-02-23T23:20:30+00:00

No contact.

Go completely NC.

Common tactic to deal with narcissists, who are the main dealers of trauma bonds.

Block, delete, remove. Vanish into thin air. BUT, get ready to get a peace bond or restraining order. These people often show up at your home/work/known places of regular leisure because being cut off from their supply (YOU) is very disruptive to their ego.

Watzoo · 2021-02-24T03:42:18+00:00

Chump lady blog.

Lundy Bancroft books.

A good therapist with a lot of experience. Look for people who’ve had years of counseling experience with local women’s shelters. There are a lot of nuances to the patterns of long term abuse and gendered power imbalances and you need a therapist who gets that and has seen it all before.

Maybe even some pheromone perfumes (there are some with oxytocin that help rebond with others: friends, family, safe connections).

pugaczalla · 2021-02-24T11:40:24+00:00

Realise that you’re holding onto breadcrumbs. You’re holding onto something that isn’t there. You’re grabbing those crumbs of love and goodwill like you’re drowning and have no choice. When you realise that with full force, you’ll stop and think: ‘wait, why do I settle for this? I should deserve more. Fuck, I DO deserve more.’ Get into therapy and work through it and give yourself time, preferably without dating.

When you start dating, BE CAREFUL. Your trauma brain will probably want to fall for guys that are the worst for you. Educate yourself on all the red flags, even the tiniest ones, especially love bombing, hot and cold behaviour (learn all subtleties), gaslighting and selfish, abusive and narcissistic behaviour. Read about signs of LVMs here. Do you confuse admiration for him and nervousness as love? Does he make you feel crazy, needy, clingy, confused, overly emotional, demanding, like you’re the bitch, make you question yourself? Run. Can you really be yourself or do you feel like you need to perform in some ways to impress him or to keep him around, like you always have to be on your best behaviour, always ambitious/adventurous/happy/informed/sexual/whatever he values? Run.

When you start dating HVM, it will probably feel counterintuitive and slightly off. You might not feel the connection and want to break up or even think he’s boring. It’s your trauma brain telling you that you don’t deserve to just sit back and enjoy another human being to treat you like one and respect you and like/love you selflessly for you, not for what you can give him. I’m not saying you should stick to the boring guy or the one you’re not sexually attracted to, not at all. But the trauma brain might want to trick you. You should be healthily sexually attracted to the man. But don’t confuse trauma bonding for sexual attraction. After a while, things will start to feel more natural and you’ll built an aversion to all sorts of unhealthy behaviour that might’ve hooked you up in the past. Good luck sister.

Source: unfortunately life experience.

ReignOnYou95 · 2021-02-23T23:28:18+00:00

Can you explain what being trauma bonded with someone feels like? You dont have too and Im not trying to be rude or anything, I just want to know what to look out for

puddlesteps · 2021-02-24T02:36:46+00:00

Check out facing love addiction, when the body says no, love addicts anonymous and work the steps, get involved in causes you care about, get involved in hobbies that put you in a flow state (if you don’t know what these are yet, time to explore !)

AyemHerself · 2021-02-24T03:13:07+00:00

The first thing I did when leaving my ex was to move all my stuff into another room on the other side of the house. Even if you have a financial or legal constraint that makes walking out difficult, distance is still the key.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-02-24T03:08:38+00:00

For me, finding support - be it a counselor, support group, family etc. Figure out what aspect that you desperately crave from this relationship (e.g. physical touch, security, being wanted, companionship, etc.) and meet that need in another way. It can be as simple as holding your inner child in your mind and hugging a pillow. Feel the grief of the loss, and the freedom of what could be gained. Know your reason for why this relationship is no longer serving you. Reduce contact, or cut it off cold turkey. I personally reduced it, just worked better for me while I was building a life, focusing my energy on other things. Expect there to be hard days and go back to your reason why you must do this for yourself, and lean on your support. I found motivational videos that resonated with me that I listened to every morning to keep me going when things were tough.

I tried many times with no contact and failed. I only succeeded when I started focusing on myself first, building a life or just changing my focus, and having at least some support.

Every situation is different. Trust your intuition if you feel unsafe.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Dexaroo5716 · 2021-02-24T18:38:34+00:00

I’d read up on the chemicals being released in your brain at the different stages of your relationship. Recognize that there is a strong neurological component to it. Also go back to before you met the person. You were well able to live without them. Remind yourself of this often. Block all contact and actively list the qualities you want in a person, and put the ones your ex doesn’t possess at the TOP.

Title	How to break a trauma bond?
Author	chickennuggetspicyyy
Upvotes	76
Comments	25
Date	February 23, 2021 6:53 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lqpx5p/how_to_break_a_trauma_bond/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond.752779 https://theredarchive.com/post/752779

Comments