Applying high standards to friends

betsybasset · 2021-05-01T23:43:04+00:00

The more intellectual you get, the more solitude you tend to live.

Because your tolerance for bullshit is getting lower to the point of zero.

FDS do speed up this process 😇

fancypantsdance92 · 2021-05-01T23:23:12+00:00

Hey! I totally understand where you are coming from. In late 2019 I found FDS and got counselling to help me get out of patterns with internalizing dynamics in all kinds of bad relationships. I started applying my new mindset to everything and everyone.

Like you, I'm an extroverted and empathetic person - it's sad to write this but I remember crying on the phone to my mum when I was 23 and asking her "where are all the other 100% people?" She had no good answer. It would take me another 4 years to figure out that other people just aren't like this.

Last year after I got into the nuts and bolts of things with my physchologist I started cutting people out when they violated boundaries or couldn't give me the treatment I was giving them. It hurt bad. I lost almost all my friends.

You are doing the right thing by letting these people go and letting them fall to the wayside. If you'd kept trying you'd just be that clingy person and that would lead you to even worse dynamics for yourself. So just keep your head up and know it's for the best.

This year was the turning point for me: I have a few really good circles of friends now and they have all been here for me in my times of need. I met these girls by just saying yes to as many networking events (parties, work events etc) as possible. After I made a couple of friends I was the one who started suggesting dinners and girls nights. Someone suggested on FemaleLevelUpStrategy that a good way to go about this is to ask new acquaintances along to things you're doing already such as getting coffee. Not everyone will always be keen, so (as you know) you just stop asking those people unless they reach out within a realistic time frame. You will find however that there will be plenty of people who are in the same position as you and want to make more friends. Whenever I meet new women I make a point of saying it and asking about what there is to do, what they do for fun, what gym they go to (for example if you're a gym person) and sort of put myself into a position where I can relate with people to a point where going out with them again is natural because of shared interests etc. I'm sure you as an extrovert are good at this also... But just a thought for others who might be reading.

With women, particularly those I work with - if they are low effort - I will keep them in the periphery of my life and very silently detach. I do this to keep a good reputation and just in case I end up working on a project with them in the future. Unless they cross a boundary I won't out-and-out block and delete because that can often come with a bigger headache.

In the meantime I started a uni degree. I also have a dog so I am more than content in her company. I also like to remind myself of all the luxury I'm afforded by not having shitty friends anymore: I am my own best friend and I get to decide what I want to do when I want to do it, whether that be walk on the beach, go to the gym when I want or just have a lazy day and watch YouTube videos in bed.

You will get through it and I wish you the best in your new city!

millennialpink2000 · 2021-05-02T00:56:30+00:00

My best advice is to keep at it. I know for myself it took years before I began finding decent friends and colleagues after purging the old. There were very lonely stretches. It's like dating in that you sift through people. I'm still working on it, but just keep saying yes and showing up. As you get more comfortable being alone and doing your own thing, you'll meet people in your daily life/work/hobbies etc.

I ditched my oldest friend this year, and it sucks. What worked for me was sitting in the discomfort and not judging myself. Just feeling it and moving through it. It wasn't long before situations and memories would pop in my mind and I realized I should have cut it off years earlier. It's ok to be sad over it.

As you sit with yourself, you'll notice that being with people who make you feel alone is much worse than being alone. *hugs*

ScalesHaveFallen · 2021-05-01T23:26:48+00:00

[deleted]

burritogirl101 · 2021-05-01T23:11:53+00:00

I don't have any great advice because I also find this tough so interested to see what others say. I met a new friend via work a couple of years ago and she was a breath of fresh air - arranging catch-ups was straightforward, she made the effort and actually said yes to things, and it also felt SO effortless. Made me realise I was being dragged down by friends from school for years who were full of negativity and only wanted to catch up to gossip about people I've not seen for 10+ years.

pumpkin-pied · 2021-05-02T11:07:03+00:00

ever since i started living the fds principle, i have lost so so so many "friendships"

Attributum · 2021-05-01T23:18:18+00:00

I am just as picky about friends as I am about romantic partners. I just know what I like and what I don't like and there are a lot of behaviors that many women also do, that I don't want to be around.

Same thing here as with dating: You have to be ready to be alone, when noone good enough shows up and keep reaching out making new connections to increase your chances to run into worthwhile people.

I am sorry about your situation with friend B. I wouldnt fault a friend for moving somewhere just because I have a problem with their roommate. But yeah, it still sounds though that the very unfortunate consequence for you will be to step back from B then. Really sorry about that. But I think you are doing the right thing for you!

Maude2010 · 2021-05-02T02:32:36+00:00

I have one friend and I haven’t spoken to her in a few weeks because I found out she lied about something. So, I hear you.

haunted_vcr · 2021-05-04T17:15:42+00:00

Bad friends won't make your loneliness better. Being alone is fine until you meet your people, guarantee it.

If you have trusted people in your life like your parents or siblings, call them up.

shoesfromparis135 · 2021-05-02T18:36:51+00:00

I’ve gone through this. You’re not alone. I didn’t realize until very recently that the reason I had so much social anxiety and always felt so miserable in social situations was because I was hanging out with the wrong people. I realized I was giving up everything I valued and loved to fit in with people I didn’t even really like. It’s hard to be alone after you walk away from situations like that. I struggle with loneliness all the time. But I can fix my loneliness with a movie or a good book. I can’t fix the shittiness of other people.

For me, it’s really been a journey back to doing things I like and enjoy. I started attending virtual events a few months ago and I’ve had more fun at those events than I’ve had in the last 10 or 15 years of my life. Am I meeting people? That depends on whether or not you consider following the people there on social media “meeting people.” Either way, I now get to read posts from people who also like what I like and talk about those subjects passionately. I feel connected even though it’s just through a screen. Post-Covid, I’ll make an effort to go to the events IRL and make real connections. I didn’t know how to do it before, so the virtual events have been a nice cushion for me.

As others have said, the best way to make new friends is to make an effort to make plans, say yes, and show up. If you meet someone who can’t be bothered to do those three basic things, they’re probably not worth your time. Unfortunately, a lot of people these days are flaky AF. Flakiness is a huge red flag so I don’t even bother following up with people like that. Their behavior has nothing to do with me so I don’t take it personally. They showed me who they are and I believe them. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

devoushka · 2021-05-04T12:38:37+00:00

I just talked about this with my therapist. I have a couple of "friends" who have been taking weeks to reply to my texts lately. If it happens once okay, but if it happens consistently I start to lose interest in the friendship. My therapist said that I need to respect my own time and not waste it on people who might not want to be spending time with me. If anything, you are protecting yourself from people who don't actually care about you at all. Rejection is your protection.

Title	Applying high standards to friends
Author	monch-bred
Upvotes	107
Comments	16
Date	May 1, 2021 5:37 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/n2n5mm/applying_high_standards_to_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/applying-high-standards-to-friends.759781 https://theredarchive.com/post/759781

Comments