Sometimes when vetting men it can be hard to remember all the strategies, green flags and red flags. Here's an easy hack to remember: are you proud to be with him? At all times, in all ways.

  1. Are you proud of his looks? Even at the height of my Pick Me days, I had the sense to be embarrassed when I went out with a guy who looked subpar. Maybe I was in a beautiful sundress and he was in a crumpled, probably dirty, t-shirt and shorts. I was shapely and fit, he was obese and sloppy. I was clean and neat, with my hair done and expensive perfume on, he was unshowered and unshaven. If you would want to hide if someone you knew walked by and saw him right now, he's not the one. You can do better. Think about how good you feel, how proud you are when you're out with a high-quality, handsome, put-together man.
  2. Are you proud of how he treats you? We often say if you are too ashamed to tell your family and friends about how the relationship is going, that's a huge red flag. But it works in reverse, too. Does he take you on dates you're proud to describe? For holidays and special occasions are you excited to tell your friends what he got you? I remember back in 00s, my first BF and I made it official right before Valentine's Day. For the holiday, he came up to see me at college, gave me multiple handwritten cards, and an Ipod loaded with all my favorite songs, Disney movies, and tv shows. I told everyone I knew! I was so proud to be with a guy who valued me that much. If you find yourself changing the subject or making excuses when someone asks you what your SO gave you for Christmas or your anniversary, time to reexamine the relationship.
  3. Are you proud of how he talks to you/about you? I've heard women say they never disagree with their husbands in public because they don't know what he'll say back. RED FLAG. Your SO should be respectful, gentle, and thoughtful in your interactions. Are you proud when people report back what he says about you when you aren't around? You should be getting reports of him gushing over you, about how great your relationship is or how beautiful and brilliant you are! At the very least, he should be telling stories that include you, letting people know you exist. Too many men hide the fact they have an SO when they go to work or hang with friends because they want to double dip. If a man truly loves you, he's going to talk about you all the time. He wants people to know he's found a treasure. If you don't feel valued, red flag.
  4. Are you proud of who he is? Are you proud to talk about him and later introduce him to the people in your life? In every trash relationship I was in, I was furtive. I would slip, slide, and hide to avoid introducing the SO to my family. Because I was ashamed. Conversely, when I dated good guys, I felt just the opposite. I was open about everything because there was nothing to hide. You have to go on seeing your intimate circle for the rest of your life. It's one thing to be selective about who meets them, but if you've been with a guy a while and your people know nothing about him, that's a sign he's not the one. You wouldn't hesitate to introduce a truly wonderful man to the people you love.
  5. Are you proud of his habits? This is a big one. What you do repetitively is who you are. Obviously, we all know the red flags of porn or video-game addiction. But does he have other habits you keep to yourself? A habit of coming home late with no explanation. A habit of lying. A habit of ignoring you. If he had good habits, like volunteering at shelters, running marathons, or teaching kids to read, you'd brag about them. Do you tell people what he's doing consistently? Why or why not?

There are a million different ways to apply this strategy. But remember, you should be relatively proud of all of the above. I've had guys who I was proud to be seen with-but they never took me anywhere to be proud of. I've had others who treated me well but they had glaring red flags in their backgrounds. You might be more proud of him in one area than another, but overall, you should be proud of every area.